Monday, October 5, 2015

When desires and actions clash

Starting to realize I am my own worst enemy. My intentions and behaviors don’t line up. Example: I want to connect with people so I try and do, do, do for others, but don’t take time to actually get to know them. To connect. To see what they want. So what ends up happening? Usually they see me as pest or annoyance and end up even more isolated/disconnected. So get opposite of what intended the whole time.

Or when someone gets upset and ask for space. What do I do? I overapologize and try to bake or reach out to them. This only makes them angrier because I am doing exactly what they asked me not to do.

Today has provided me with chance to reflect on this. I ended up angering someone one and they have requested space. At first wanted to overapologize, write them letter, bake for them. Something, anything to make it all okay. Then realized best thing for me to do was apologize, acknowledge their feelings, and give them space. It feels strange, but I think that is the best thing to do.

I wonder how many times I allow my deep longing to connect with others (after being so isolated due to PTSD and ED), lead me to only further isolate myself. I think I am going to begin to take a pause before I engage, react, or interact with others. Think to self:
(1) Am I being authentic and honest. It is important I present my true self, otherwise how can I expect to get to know other person or connect to them if not even connected to self.
(2) Am I doing this for them or for myself? If for myself then it doesn’t foster relationship and I should see what they want from the interaction.
(3) Is there a potential for misinterpretation or an adverse reaction? If so, don’t do whatever intending to do.
(4) Will this allow me to meet a need for them or to learn more about them?
(5) Is this appropriate for our stage of the relationship?

I believe taking time and slowing down will help me to better connect. All I know is what I am doing isn’t working and is hurting others. And that is not me. Please help hold me accountable and if my old patterns emerge let me know. 

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Blessings in Disguise

Well Roomie laid it on me, well that's how I take it anyway. Here I was thinking my late night eating was my dirty little secret. Little thing I got away with without affecting anyone. My own little rebellion I guess. Something uniquely mine. Just for me.

All that came crashing down when roomie lashed out at me about it. Made me feel selfish and rude. Said she hadn’t had a good night sleep since moved in with me. Seemed I was disturbed, abnormal, disgusting. I should know without her stating that someone eating at 3 AM would disturb her. I then established a 1 AM curfew for my kitchen use, hoping things get better. I was scared. Cornered. Judged. I freaked out to say the least.

Yes, I should be working towards eating earlier,but to leap from 4 AM to 1 AM when I have OCD, PTSD insomnia which reason I’m awake, and ED….it was too much. I felt angry, hurt, disgust, shame…everything and mind was spinning.

Finally I had to be assertive. I had to tell her I could work way to 1 AM but at this point I couldn’t leap to it. She doesn’t know about my ED and I don’t care to tell her. This angered her as she and made me feel even worse of my abnormality,disgusting behavior. Almost making me out to be a beast it seemed.

I felt my mind wandering down the rabbit hole of self-condemnation. Disgust. Shame. And a desire to use this as an excuse to give up and restrict. At least to appease her and eat earlier. But I stopped. Instead of looking at all the negatives and cluing to the anger, I accepted my responsibility. Eating later was something I wanted to change and this provided me an extrinsic motivation which was something I needed. I am a people pleaser and doing this for someone else was great motivation to keep me from slipping into delaying it over and over (as I have been for past weeks).

So that is how I am trying to look at it. What seems completely negative may be blessing in disguise. Choosing not to focus on the things said or how I feel about it. Instead going to look at it as motivator and a concrete time to aim at being done eating by. I wanted a good motivator and I wanted a concrete time and she gave it to me without knowing. So while it may be scary to actually have a reason to move to change, perhaps it won’t be so bad. Plus, in the end, I’m stuck here till May. So either I appease her and help myself, or I act passive aggressive, keep doing things way they are, and hurt myself in some weird way to hurt her. Who knows? Maybe with this out of the way we can connect.

She never has to know she is helping me….but she still can. That is how I am going to look at this and what I am going to do. Already helped me tonight to eat earlier and to not overcook things. Fingers crossed….maybe this was God’s only way to get me to snap out of it.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

New Recovery, New Blog, New Me

Think this is going to be a start to a new approach at life, and a new better me. In fact, I’m starting fresh with a new blog which, once I get it set up, I will link here. Anyway, had heart-to-heart with therapist today after had another anxiety attack and decided new approach needs to be taken.

I’ve realized a big root of my issues is a lack of trust in myself. Can’t choose what to eat because don’t trust self. Scared of foods because don’t trust body. Scared of relationship because don’t trust decision. This is why every time an opportunity to make a recovery decision comes I freak out. Because as much as I know it’s right thing to do, I don’t trust myself to do it. So I send out text after text to people who will tell me exactly what I want to hear. I wait to hear from them so I can get their approval and not have to take responsibility, because I feel if it’s my decision it won’t be right.

For example, today out of nowhere I got a cupcake. One with PB buttercream icing. Yes, I’ve been facing fear of cupcakes recently and discovered I actually don’t gain weight from eating them, but this one was different. It was PB buttercream icing and thus higher calorie and thus must be made up for by restricting a meal. That’s what ED was saying. But I didn’t want to listen to ED. I wanted to listen to me. To that little girl in me saying: “Can we please see if there is a different way of life.” That part of me with longing and hope that maybe I can eat freely. Just eat cupcake as snack and not gain.

And so my mind began to spin and the texting began. I needed someone, anyone to tell me it was possible to do right thing and just eat cupcake as snack. I couldn’t trust myself to say it. I needed someone to order me to do it. It’s crazy. This is the exact aspect of residential/inpatient I hate and yet find so comforting. I love IP/resi because someone else tells you what to do, taking all responsibility away from you. Yet this is exact thing that keeps me stuck. Not taking responsibility and choosing the right thing because I know it’s right or want to do it.

Finally my therapist called me. And she laid it to me straight. I needed to get out of these mental
tailspins either by going to higher level of care where decisions are made for me. Or by choosing scarier option always. No questions. No trying to logic way out of anxiety. Choosing anxious option and learning to cope with anxiety. Period.

So that’s what I am doing. Tonight, without an order from anyone but myself, I am doing the scarier. I am doing scary cupcake and counting it as just a snack. And you know what. As soon as commited to that, exact opposite of what ED said would happen happened. I didn’t get more anxious. No. I got more excited, more proud, more hopeful for a new life. The cupcake became victory not slavery and I felt free.

That’s why my new blog is called: Finding I’m Free. Because God has set me free. He has given me the strength to choose what’s right and He will help me trust myself. Trust His strength within me. Trust my spirit. And find, decision by decision, bite by bite, step by step that I am free.  

I’m going to take it one decision at a time. One moment at a time. One risk at a time. If I want life to be different I need to start living different. If I want to be able to choose recovery then that’s what I need to do. To make decisions myself and reach out to others to support, not make, my decisions. It’s time to take life and recovery by the horns. To ride out this crazy ride called life and be free. I deserve it. And I’m going to fight. Fight the fear and find I’m free.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Happily Never After?

Well date didn’t go so good and first reaction of course was to restrict. Mind raced to how this would mean I was never getting married, never going to achieve life I wanted and I guess somehow I deserved to be punished. But then I stopped. I stopped and I thought.

Reality….I didn’t really feel it either. He wasn’t at all like the guy I text and honestly physical attraction wasn’t there either. I mean it was nice to feel happy and feel like I was cared for and I think it is more the loss of that that hurt. But it doesn’t mean I need to restrict. It doesn’t mean I am a bad person. It doesn’t mean I will never be married.

It just means we weren’t right. I guess I am just impatient. I feel I am fighting so hard for recovery and I just want the pay off now. I want the dream I see in my mind of a normal life now. I hate this waiting and having to go on dates. I just want the ring, the marriage, the white picket fence (or in my case cozy cottage ) right now. I am scared with each relationship that ends it means I did something wrong and will never be in relationship which is what I want.

I guess that’s why I am scared to journal about what I want recovery to look like, because I honestly don’t feel it will ever come true and don’t want to put it down on paper and fail. But I see benefit to it and in fact…gonna go work on it now.

First though, time to do my meal plan, not let a date determine my life, accept it didn’t go well and move on. I won’t lie. Mind still tossing and turning and I still hear voice in my head saying I will never be good enough for anyone to get married to. Or “normal” enough. But I am just going to let those thoughts stay till can process in therapy tomorrow and do the next right thing.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Cupcake: Take (or shall I say Taste)2: Lemon Icebox Flavor

This time did Scrump's Lemon Icebox

So tart, but still soooo good. Think though this flavor is one you have to be in the mood for. It's definitely lemony. Some bites like a lemonhead and others like a lemon meringue.

And since it's still close to b-day made a wish

First bite the greatest

Even good as a tiny slice heated up

But be careful....a little top heavy and may have cupcake casuality.

Still...made it through.....stomach pain, nausea, and all. Here is to hope, victory freedom.

Choose Love, Lose Fear

Well I was in shock and awe when I weighed this morning. All of that fear yesterday, all of the anxiety….and my weight was DOWN this morning. Cupcake and all it was down. And you know what….this was one time where I didn’t have to say to myself: “Man I wish I didn’t let the fear thoughts rob me so much yesterday.” Because on my b-day I did something different. I felt the fear, I acknowledged it, and I just let it go. Instead of buying into and trying to counter all my fears about weight gain, etc. I just told myself. Yes…it’s possible I will gain. It’s also possible I won’t. I can choose which possibility I want to give more time to. And I did…I chose the later. And it allowed me to enjoy my birthday, my cupcake, and changed the fear to excitement.

Today, on the other hand…I learned what happens when fear gets to run free. You see, I woke up with stomach all kinds of upset (likely from cupcake) but then later on in day wanting to try another cupcake. And this time have it as I wanted to have it…as simply a snack, not a meal and snack (granted its my 350 calorie plus dairy/fruit/PB snack). This terrified me and ED began to tell me how weight was only down because overcounted and replaced meal and snack yesterday with the cupcake. Instead of listening and letting this fear go, I clung to it. I tried to battle it…and by doing that, it only increased.

It engulfed me like a wildfire. ED had a hold and he wasn’t letting go. He went on to tell me a new fear: weight was only down because cupcake hadn’t hit my system yet. So really, if I just waited for tomorrow, I would see. Weight would be up, ED would be right, and I would see I can’t eat desserts. Now surely if this was the case I couldn’t do cupcake today. Again, I tried to counter instead of release this fear and ED had his claws in deeper.

From here it became.  This is unhealthy and will cause you to become a binge eater. You can’t eat dessert two days in a row. If you do you will never be able to stop, will have dessert every day, will gain weight, and become obese. So what had started as a small, dismissable thought, had evolved into a fear rampaging my future.

Not only that, but once I let the spirit of fear seep over me it seeped into other aspects of my life. Suddenly the peace I had around school work become fear around failing again. Or around not having time to finish assignments.

And then the worst of my fears came…and I am sad to say I think it ruined a relationship I cherished
. My fear of inadequacy and people leaving me. I have started a new relationship and it was really blossoming. But I let this fear take over and I learned not only can fear ravage and spiral, but it also can become self-fulfilling. I was so so scared he would find out about ED that somehow in trying to hide ED, I talked about food way too much and he started to question how much I ate. I know weird questions right. Then I let my fear he would see the true me, the flawed, imperfect side of me, deem me too much, and leave. So I started to panic and text him way too much. And behave in the exact way to get him to back away…and at end of the night he did. And I am scared it’s done for good.

I didn’t even realize all this till went to gym and a guy hit on me and I didn’t have this fear of being left in my head and we ended up hitting it off. Even exchanging numbers. This is when I realized my great interaction with the new guy yesterday filled me with the same joy as interacting with the guy at the gym. You know what was missing in both these scenarios: fear.

So fear related to the cupcake (Which I did go out and get and am going to enjoy tonight despite fear) has led me to dread instead of be excited about havin another cupcake. Fear of class is making me dread and dislike course work and even avoid it. And fear of relationship led me to feel guilty and worthless in my interactions.

On the other hand, yesterday on my b-day when I let the fear go. Acknowledged but didn’t engage it…I felt joy. I felt love. I felt excitement. I felt expectancy. I believed for the potential of the best outcome…and I was happy. Truly happy. I was me again. So today I have learned a big thing I no longer want in my life: fear. I have learned what the scripture about love and fear really means. “Perfect love casts out all fear.” And it’s so true. When I didn’t have fear I was full of love, light, joy. But I think this goes the other way too..Fear casts out perfect love. Because today I wasted so many precious, amazing moments tormented by fear.

Still, I have ended up on top. Because I have this cupcake, I am releasing the fear, and I am trusting the Lord. Fear is just too draining. And with this relationship…I am not sure what will come or if damage can be undone, but I am sure I will learn from it and enter the next relationship or next interaction in this relationship differently. I am tired of clinging to what could go wrong and all the fear around that, and instead want to approach challenges, life, and relationships with an open mind to all that could go right.

Cupcake: I could see that I don’t gain and be able to have one every week
ClasseS: could be most amazing semester full of growth and repaired relationship
Relationship: could end up being most amazing, God-filled relationship and be person I marry.

See when I put that as my focus I already feel lighter and happier. Figure it’s worth a shot. Choosing to trust in perfect love and choosing to cast out all fear. One moment, one breath, one step (and bite) at a time (pics of cupcakes to come).