Wednesday, May 29, 2013

WIAW #6: May Freedom Foods

Alrighty, so this is just going to be a post about some fear freedom foods I have been eating. I am still getting used to my new meal plan and have been too anxious to even think about snapping pictures. Plus, I have essentially been eating the same thing for meals so its not that exciting. Good news though..despite gaining weight rapidly (3 lbs in a week) and it still not going back down I haven't been reducing portions or restricting at all. In fact, I have been so overwhlemed with anxiety I have been having to pray and ask God what to eat. Been doing that since yesterday and its led to a lot of freedom foods being faced. In fact, on menu today is a banana and nature valley bar AND fat free refried bean burritos...and you know what...I'm excited about it :) So without further ado...freedom food WIAW..thanks Jenn!
Peas and Crayons

 I figure I would share at least some meals. This is a dinner that came out of asking God what I should have. I call it Top Chef: Jesus Christ edition. My ED voice was very loud this day and I didn't want to eat at all, so I had to pray...or more like cry out for freedom. So I had this Spinach salad with mango vinagairette, chicken, and bell peppers and on the side a pita and (unpictured) unsalted pretzels. It honestly was an amazing meal :)

And here is another God-inspired meal. Grilled chicken and a side spinach salad with the mango vinagairette as well as peppers and cucumbers. Side of unsalted pretzels and even a fear food of brown rice! I forgot how much I loved brown rice and I remember feeling so overwhelmed in the moment with this meal...but looking at it now with all the bright colors and actually was a healthy dinner. Thank you Jesus for guiding me :)
 This freedom food was completely made possible by God. It was after a very stressful nutritionist session when we talked about bullying I endured. I was so full of emotions I didn't want to eat let alone eat a fear food. I blasted my Christian music and started driving when an intense hunger hit me and I remembered the bars the Clif sent me. I also had a huge craving for Peanut Butter...and that led me to face on of the scariest bars I had: Kit's Organic Peanut Butter Bar. These are honestly really healthy and full of healthy fats...but fats are still hard for me to eat. Nevertheless, God got me through. As you can see below, the bars are not granola-like but a made from dates, much like Larabar..only difference...these taste AMAZING! The PB taste isn't overwhelming, but it's there. The bars are soft and really enjoyable despite being so fearful. In fact...these bars were so good they deserved two corny pictures (see below).

 Another AMAZING fear food I face was peanut butter...but not just any peanut butter...PB&Co free sample to me that I have been avoiding for a few months now. It's their PB & Co Heat is On Peanut Butter. This is an amazing combo of creamy peanut butter and a pepper blend (red pepper, cayenne, and something else). Honestly..I didn't plan on opening it, but when you are home from college and your PB-loving mom finds the gets opened...and then when she won't stop talking about how amazing it is and everyone else taste test it...basically you HAVE TO face the fear. And I did, and it was AMAZING and spicy as heck! Like mouth was on fire. It was great on a tortilla. I want to face it again...because I am still so scared of it, but progress not perfection. 

 Well not all freedom foods bring freedom and this food showed just that: Clif Bar Peanut Butter Pretzel Mojo Bar. This bar is very granola-like and is held together by peanut butter and has peanuts and salty pretzels mix with that my fear of sodium and fat...and this was a HUGE FEAR FOOD! But Clif Bar sent me tons of bars to try so I need to get started. Well...I will always be honest on this blog and honesty hurts some times. I hated this bar. It was the hardest thing to do to have to eat the whole thing. I tried it cold, room temperature, even heated...but nothing helped. The peanut butter taste is overwhelming and it is so salty I chugged a ton of water just to finish it. And the texture is so weird's not crunchy but not's just..I don't would have to try it to understand. I think it may be good for peanut butter fanatics...which I thought I was...but I am NOT a salty peanut butter fanatic for sure. 

Well that's all for now. I miss the e-mails and comments people started leaving. I want to hear what you all are struggling with, triumphing in, experiencing in recovery. I want this not just to be a blog, I want it to be a place of honest recovery and I so deeply hope and pray that this journey of mine can help you all :) LOVE YOU!!!

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Accepting Reality As It Is

Today at my N session I realized something I do that I never realized. When things in life are going different than how I desire, I use anorexia to punish myself. Even if I don’t do anything wrong I just feel when things are going wrong something or someone needs to be blamed…so I turn to restriction to punish myself, thus taking the blame. It just makes it feel like the just thing is happening…that someone is being punished and the situation is being handled. The reality though is I never go through the pain and just carry the situation with me as I refuse to face reality….unless it’s the reality I want.

This came out at the end as I realized I am scared to lose my grandpa and I hate seeing him so upset and lonely. I don’t feel he deserves to be hurt like that. He deserves to have my grandma by his side but she is dead and I don’t feel that is right. And right after I saw him…I just wanted to restrict. I immediately started trying to figure out if I could skip meals later in the day. Why? Because I was mad and didn’t like reality and figured if I punished myself enough it would make everything feel alright like it always does. In fact, that whole day I restricted till after we left because it brought a strange peace. I felt like shit and was tired, but at least I didn’t have to feel the pain of the situation.

This happens with less so serious things too. A huge trigger for me…doing poorly or feeling I did poorly on an exam. Even if everyone is struggling with it and even if I studied all I could, if I don’t feel I did good enough then I feel I need to be punished and thus I need to restrict. I get this weird, sick peace because someone is being blamed. It just brings sense to the situation for me and because someone (me) is being punished I feel the wrong has been made right. But looking at it now…that makes me sad.

It makes sense though. Growing up in the house I did, someone always had to be punished…now I just play that out in my life. But I don’t feel I can punish anyone else….or control other people…so I punish the self. I can’t control life, so I control punishment…even though it’s not right either. You know why I can’t punish someone else…because no one is to blame for reality. Reality just’s not good or bad. Well actually..if I believe in God, the reality is always just as it should be. It may not seem it to me because it’s different than what I want..but it doesn’t mean it’s bad…it’s just different.  I just get uncomfortable sitting with something that doesn’t feel right because it’s not the way I want it. That’s why I punish myself and since no one wants to be punished…no wonder I spend so much time in the future…it keeps me from having to face reality.

But what if things could be different? What if I could stay in the reality of the present and accept it as just how it is supposed to be. What if when reality was different from what I want I accepted that and felt the emotions that come with it. What if I talked it out with someone, let the emotions out, and accepted reality…however imperfect it seems. Because though it may seem imperfect to me…if my life is in God’s hands as I believe it is…then right now…my life is exactly how it should be.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Getting in God's Business Gets You in Trouble

 So today the scale was up a whole lot more than the range me and my dietitian agreed on for weekly gain and a whole lot more than my plan is written for. I started today ready to throw in the towel…and now…at 7:48 pm I am about to eat a fear food. What happened? God.

You see I cried out to Him for answers….for why this is happening and why I should keep eating. He gave me the answer I needed: my future. No, no the generic to live or to have a happy life. Nope…specifically MY FUTURE. If I am going to help ppl with an ED obviously having a background full of all the different EDs and struggles with them, having been to all the different levels of treatment, and having a past full of different traumas will help me relate to them. I have always clung to that. But my recovery has to be relatable as well. What does this have to do with weight gain? Everything.

You see, God could easily make me gain weight always at the perfect .5-1 lb range that I desire. HE IS GOD! He made my body and this would be an easy thing for Him to do. But how relatable would that be for the majority of patients who will have to experience and endure a dramatic weight fluctuation at some point in their recovery? It wouldn’t be. It would be just like the people who keep telling me this is a fluctuation, but have never been through it so I throw it out the door. But then my friend who has been through the process told me of a specific time this happened to her and that it ended up being water weight mostly…and that brought me relief. It was concrete example I could cling on to for hope. Well…God wants me to be that example for others.

Now it wouldn’t be a very good example to be like: “Oh yes. I went through that rapid weight gain as well and I decided to relapse and not do my meal plan. “ Nope…that wouldn’t help. But to be able to say: “I’ve been where you are, I know the real and tangible fear, I know that you don’t and can’t believe that it is not real weight because the numbers tell you it is. I have been there. I have experienced it, but I am telling you…I pushed through. It took all the strength and courage I had but I pushed through and x, y, z happened.”
I still don’t know what x,y,z is. That’s up to God. But it gives me so much hope knowing that. Why? Because I know God wants my story to bring hope. So why in the world would He make my story this: “Yes, I pushed through and the weight kept piling on and I learned I couldn’t eat and couldn’t trust my team so eventually I went back to restricting and that is still what I do today.” Not seeing much hope there. But this story: “I pushed through. It was scary, but I did it. And guess what? Everyone was right. It was water weight, but I had to wait and keep eating. I had to trust. This is your moment to trust too. You can do it. If I can do it, you can too. Trust in God, your team, and my experience. I know you can.” Yep…a lot more hope there.

So now I see God is in control of the scale. That doesn’t mean it is going to move how I want it to move. It doesn’t mean only the non-scary changes are going to happen. Why? Because that isn’t recovery and isn’t useful for His Will for my life. What it does mean if every single fluctuation He knows before it happens and He knows I am going to get through and He has a purpose for it. I am taking the scale and my interpretations of it back from the enemy and giving it to God where it belongs. He is my Master, my Father…and He knows the future He has designed me for. This fear, this emotional turmoil, this panic…and in the end the triumph I will feel…it’s all part of the journey to my future.

Get Out of God's Business
Seriously thought God is showing me so much. All this time I had thought what God was saying with the scale going up and up was that I couldn’t trust food. That was the only thing that made sense to me. But what He has been trying to say is trust Me. Run to me, my Child. I have this…just trust me.

But no…what I would do/do when it goes up is I question it. I analyze it over and over looking for the answer to Why it happened. What food/action/exercise/nutrient was to blame. Over and over I go through what I consumed and did the day before to find something to blame. Here is the reality though. My weight did exactly what it was supposed to do. The reason I don’t understand it? Because I AM NOT GOD! Only God knows what my body will do and why it will do it. Only He knows what the next day, minute, second will bring. I need to stop analyzing the scale reading and just accept it as a part of my journey.

Another thing…this applies the reverse too. I need to stop questioning what I am eating in the moment for fear of what will happen at the weigh-in tomorrow. Only God knows what tomorrow will bring and with good reason. Only He needs to. If we knew what the next second, minute, day would bring we would be so consumed with worry and focus on tomorrow we wouldn’t ever truly live. Yet every day with weight/food/other concerns I worry about what tomorrow will bring. But honestly…when I venture to worrying about tomorrow I am trying to take God’s place. I am messing in His business. No wonder it overwhelms and scares me. I am not God and am not near strong enough to deal with His business. It reminds me of the Bruce Almighty movie…that scene where He is God and is hearing everyone’s prayers and it overwhelms Him as sticky notes flood His house. I am essentially doing the same thing. 
Trying to control and deal with tomorrow when really tomorrow is only God’s business. If He desires me to know something about tomorrow He will tell me. But for now..I just need to be in the moment. Listen to that still small voice inside. Listen to my cravings and desires that line up with His Word. If I follow that the next moment,  next hour, next day will be exactly as it should be.

It’s going to take practice and I am going to have to rely on God…but I need to learn to be in the moment and leave the future to God. This is going to be hard and be moment by moment…but hey…that just means more time talking to God…and that’s never ended badly. Thank you Father for always being there and for this insight. May these words bring glory to You. 

Monday, May 20, 2013

The Reality of Bullying

Today was one of the..if not THE hardest nutrition session I have ever had. I guess I had failed to mention to this nutritionist that I have been obese in my past and I definitely hadn’t told her about the horrid, horrid bullying I went through at the hands of classmates, family, and my own mother. Well, seeing as all of this hit me when I found out weight gain has started…she learned about it today.

She had me recount the bullying from my childhood. The horrible things kids used to say to me. The time the kid taped a Wide Load sign to my back at the beginning of school  and no one told me about it till the end of the school day. The way they used to crawl under the tables when I walked in the room and say “The earthquake is coming…take cover.” The times they would laugh….and the teachers who would join in. I recounted all this with no tears….but drowning in tears on the inside. And my N….she was holding back tears the whole time.

As I then went on to tell her the torment I endured at the hands of my own family. How they used to tell me and my brother we had the Guthrie butt and hips…making reference to my father who they hated. Ever since I was little..any time I looked in the mirror, my hips/thigh/butt area I have always wanted to change. Just so my family could accept me…so I wouldn’t remind them of the man they hated so much.

Again, my N held back tears (as was I), but we reached a new understanding together. I told her gaining weight was the biggest trigger for all of these memories. That when I saw the numbers going up I feel disgusted and mad at myself. The voice in my head relentlessly tells me I have been bad and how disgusting I am for doing this to myself. For eating more than I need and gaining weight. The weight on me (though I will admit its not much)…I just feel this desperation to get it off. And it all stems from the anger I have at MYSELF for what happened.

It’s weird. I forgive my family and the people who bullied me…in fact I do that easily. I don’t blame them for what happened…I blame myself. It was my binge eating that got me to that size. It was my lack of self-control that had me eating more than my body needed…a behavior I look at in disgust. My N tried to get me to see that my binge eating was just a means of survival. With this trauma of bullying that I endured from 1st grade, mixed with the abuse in my home, and with times of sexual abuse….binge eating was the only way to emotionally get through. Yet..I can’t see it that way. I just look at the whole behavior with disgust and anger.
And then my N asked if I have ever worked through this trauma….this PTSD. I mean the trauma from the bullying has scarred me far more than the sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect I endured in my childhood.

 Sadly though..the answer to her question was no. She then asked why. treatment they see sexual abuse and the kind of abuse in my home as more crucial to deal with than bullying. They said the exact same thing as my parents “Everyone gets bullied.” So we never talked about it and I just felt more and more stupid for having so many emotions tied to bullying. My mom has always said: “Kids will be kids. It’s just bullying. Everyone goes through it.” So I have never cried over what happened, I have never let myself feel hurt about it…I have just gotten angry at myself...and the last thing I have ever wanted to do is talk about it. 

 Despite the fact that it haunts me every day…that I hear those voices every day. That the sounds of the laughter have driven me to the darkness I am in now…I have never talked about it. But I see now I need to. I can’t keep hating myself so much. And I am never going to be able to gain weight if I don’t heal from this. Because even when the scale goes up by a measly .2 these voices go off. I hear the laughter and feel the disgust. My mind beats me up over and over saying: “You did this to yourself. You obviously ate too much. Now we have to figure out where you went wrong so we can fix it.” But the fact is I am underweight….and gaining weight is a good thing. It’s not something to be punished for…it’s something to be praised. But I can’t forgive myself for gaining weight till I was obese before…and so I can’t accept that I have to gain weight now. Until I learn to forgive…to leave the past in the past…I don’t think I can recover.

I must say though it was nice to bring this all to the surface and to be validated. My N is the first practicioner to say that this was intense trauma and that I had PTSD from bullying. The tears she was holding back finally letting me feel that it was okay to have such strong emotions around what happened to me. That kids weren’t just being kids. That I didn’t deserve it and it was wrong.

It also helped me because I have been wondering why anorexia and the fear of weight gain grips me so tight, but now it’s clear. Once I found a diet that “worked” and I lost weight…I began to see the bullying get less. I finally fit into American Eagle jeans and I saw the support written across my mom’s smiling face. I felt accepted for once…so I just kept going. And the more weight I lost…the less people picked on me. And once I got underweight….not only did people not pick on me..but they started to get concerned for me. Nobody wants to pick on the frail girl. Nobody wants to make her feel bad. So…anorexia kind of brought me protection. And that’s why I cling desperately to being underweight. The more underweight I am…the more concerned people get…and the less likely they are to hurt me.

I mean the scars of this torture and torment from bullying I felt are deep. They are so deep that the fear of dying isn’t as great as the fear of being obese again or of gaining weight and being picked on for that. People tell me being so underweight I could die…but to me the fear of gaining weight…the fear it won’t end…the fear I will eat my way back to obesity and that pain…it’s much greater than my fear of dying. This is when my N pointed out really I just want to be invisible. And I realized she is right. I want to get smaller and smaller so no one can see me….no one can hurt me…no one can bully me…I can escape the pain.
But I want to live. I want life. And honestly…the bullying is still happening to me…but I am the bully now. 

My own mind relentlessly bullies me day in and day out. So I have to face the demons of my past. I have to work through this bullying. I have to forgive myself…or maybe even accept the fact that the bullying is not my fault…that I never did anything wrong. If I don’t heal this wounds…I don’t think I will ever recover. Because I already have contemplated throwing in my meal plan because of a slightly over 1 lb gain in weight. Because the fear seems too great to feel….the torment has become as real as it was then. But thankfully…my N sees what others haven’t. That this is PTSD and I deserve and need help. And so she is going to find me another therapist…and I am hoping I will be able to heal from this hurt once and for all. Because I left elementary school…I left middle school…and I need to leave the torment and pain there too. I deserve to move forward with my life… I deserve to be free from the bullying..I deserve to recover. 

Friday, May 17, 2013

Panic of Increase to Peace of Insight

So I had a N session today. Yes, I did have two this week. I was so excited about this...then it hit me today that twice a week means twice the chance for N to increase my plan. And I opened my big mouth that I hadn't gained yet, so I got a seeming HUGE increase today. Add to this the fact that I decided I am FED UP with living by all these food rules I have made. I am tired of having to know what's for dinner to figure out what's for lunch. Trying to figure out my snacks based off my meals. I just want to eat what I WANT....not fight my mind every single second.

So today I have done two of the four increases (my N said I could add over two days) and have eaten what I WANTED. That includes doing Chicken at lunch despite higher calorie soup for dinner and having Skittles for snack. It feels good, but I am so scared.

You see I am maintaining now, so I figure adding 4 exchanges means I will start gaining and I am not sure if I am ready for that. I know I need to gain, I just still am so scared to gain. And so why I did my scary lunch I journaled about this and came to some amazing realizations.

You see I am not just scared of weight gain, I am scared of recovery as whole. I am scared because I am trusting God and doing a meal plan with full portions and doing this increase and instead of doing what I would typically do and trying to negotiate down meal plan since giving in and eating what I want no matter the calories I am doing both. This scares me because I know it is a plan for success.

I am scared to be successful at recovery. I am scared to do this recovery the right way. Why? It is a path I haven't chosen before and so I don't know where it leads. I know I already did a post on this but now I realize I am scared of even more. I am scared that it will somehow be worse than my life has been. I have had an ED my whole life I don't know anything different.

Plus without ED and without fear....there is just me. And what if I don't like me? I can't hide then. I can't fill my mind with food and anxiety and weight. There is just me, just my life. No escape. And I'm scared I won't like that. And then I would have fought for no reason. Thanks to journaling, I realized this is just another tactic of ED.

You see I have been following plan the past few days and attacking ED completely and relying on God. Basically living out true recovery and I have been happier than ever. I have been enjoying and experiencing life. Living more in the moment because not so consumed with food. And when it comes to myself...sure I see my body as getting bigger even though it's not, but I am liking who I am a little more and how I treat people. I have been able to work with horses and get enjoyment from that. People have been saying how they enjoy my company and how much happier I seem. I don't know, it's like the more I enjoy life the better I feel about myself. Like the more I let go of ED the more I like myself. It's like ED is the biggest blemish in me and as that goes I am the pure, perfect soul God created. And I am definitely liking life more the more I let go of ED.

So if I am just beginning in recovery and am liking myself and life more (probably because replacing ED with God and God is showing me the light in myself, others, and life) then how in the world can continuing on this path lead to a bad destination? How will I end up hating myself more (if that is even possible)? Answer: it's not. It's just a lie from ED to get me to stall my recovery.

I am definitely still scared and definitely still don't want to gain weight, but I also realized this increase won't necessarily make me gain. I haven't gained weight outpatient I honestly don't know how much it would take. So instead of assuming I am going to gain weight and living in that dread, I am going to try and focus on what I know will happen if I do increases and go with eating what I want not the rules. I will feel more freedom, I will grow in God, I will continue on the path of ever-increasing joy, I will open up my mind to be able to find more light in the world and in myself. Those are guarantees.  So for tonight I am going to cling to what is known...that doing these things, trusting the Spirit in me and trusting my N, will lead to more freedom and with freedom I am finding joy and peace. I will leave the unknown to God to handle when it becomes known to me. No need to fret about a wt gain that hasn't happened. Might as well enjoy the peace and joy while it is here. Well, off to enjoy my Skittles. God made rainbows...surely He wants me to taste them :)

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Beth Moore Breaking Free Study: Glory to God

Today I did Day 2 of the 2nd week of a Beth Moore study I am doing called Breaking Free. It is amazing and if anyone wants to join feel free. But today just blew my mind...God so revealed such an amazing new purpose to my recovery journey and my life. He made me see I am here to show people His nature, and thus I can be a part of the healing process of others before I even get my MSW. I just had to share this truth with everyone, because I think there is someone out there who needs to hear this. So here is my reflection. 

WOW! Another mind blowing study today. One thing I have never understood is God’s glory…like what that meant. I figured it was just His works on earth…but I learned it is so much more. It is how God makes Himself recognizable to us. How awesome is it that I have a Lord who knows how difficult it is for me to recognize Him so He goes out of His way to make Himself recognizable. Through nature, through Christ, through believers. But that isn’t the most amazing part of today. I learned God calls us to glorify Him. That means God wants to use my life to show other’s His nature…this blew my mind.

Sometimes in recovery and even in the past few days I take little shortcuts to full recovery thinking they are unimportant…don’t really matter. It has caused me to spend hours and hours milling and contemplating over decisions...luckily I have ended up making the right thing.  But now..with this call. It means every aspect of my life should glorify God...the decisions become easier in this way. I know in my heart what is right but ED makes me question myself and if I really deserve the right thing....but God deserves to be glorified and I am called to be a part of that...ED can't twist that. 

 Not only that, He sent the Spirit to live in me to allow ever-increasing glory (2 Corinthians 3:18). To help me continue to progress and work to have every moment of my life glorify Him. It’s like He put this light in me and it is up to me to make way so it can radiate out and be shown to others.

I just got overcome with this sense that my journey to recovery…it is going to be used by His glory. This means every decision I make whether it be as little as what to eat for lunch or as big as whether to eat at all…it all matters…I should try and capture my thoughts and make the decision that glorifies God. Make the decision I get that feeling in my heart is “right.” I have always thought that my path to recovery was supposed to be used to bring His healing to others, but I never realized the Bible told me that. This word I never understood—“glory”—it is the very definition of what I felt God wanted.

See for me in my recovery I need to see a purpose to my decisions. Sure I can focus on my hopes and dreams for the future, but ED finds a way of creeping in and telling me this or that decision doesn’t matter for that. How is leaving behind 3 peas going to keep me from social work? Another motivation is for those who have donated to me so I can go to nutrition…I want to make them proud. Again though..ED creeps in: “They will never know you are doing this. It’s so little…look at everything else you have done today.” But now I have this purpose: I need to make the decisions on my path to recovery that bring glory to God. ED can’t creep in there.

Do those 3 peas matter? Heck yes! Leaving them means doing what ED wants…not what God desires for my life. It means holding myself back from true recovery and freedom. It means dimming the view of His light…His works. It matters because those 3 peas in my body glorifies God…it is full nourishment and full conquering of the enemy. Left on the plate…I am leaving behind God’s glory. I am holding myself back from His call to me to glorify Him (Isiah 43:7).

And I can’t hide the 3 peas from God. Now you would think this would bring guilt..but it doesn’t. I don’t need to hide the struggle from God. In fact He wants to reveal these struggles to set me free (Romans 8:1). What I mean is God will know if I leave those three peas behind or do whatever ED thing I am being called to and it will break His heart because He has called me to such a great purpose of representing Him and CREATED me perfectly to attain this. He knows I can do it and it breaks His heart to see me hold myself back. He desires to do so much in my life…more than I can imagine (1 Cor 2:9) and He knows that not eating those peas or whatever the struggle is…it holds me back from that. And there is even better news in the fact that He sees this.

He sees the struggle..He desires me to glorify Him….He loves me enough to sacrifice His son so I could understand His love…and thus HE WILL GET ME THROUGH. If I put faith in Him (thus glorifying Him) and take the step that may seem scary…He will get me through the emotions that ensue. Why? Because He wants me to glorify Him and the best way I can do that is to recover. To turn from the ways of my past and walk the sometimes scary path, knowing His peace is accessible to me if I just ask. And as other see me make progress in this area I pray they will see the nature, power, and glory of my God. That somehow me…just an every day sinner…will help people see God. Will be a part of their amazing journey to Him where they will be saved by glorifying Him and making Him recognizable to others. I feel so humbled and blessed to be called to this…and I feel a new responsibility and purpose to my decisions in recovery…every single decision. Every single moment I want to make the choice that will bring glory to Him…that will make His nature more known to others J I am hoping this blog, my journal entries…every part of my journey will give people a glimpse at the awe and majesty of my God….of their God..of our God. 

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

WIAW#5: Hopes for future

So I do have a lot of freedom foods to share because I kept on forgetting to, but at this point...all of them are still scary so I figure I will share them next time I get around to facing them. Instead...I want to do something a little different for this WIAW. Instead of What I Ate Wednesday....I want it to be about what I look forward to eating in so many Wednesdays to come. Thanks again to Jenn for hosting.

Peas and Crayons
You see I got my new meal plan yesterday after meeting with my dietitian. I have so much hope after that session...she is exactly the kind of nutritionist I need. I am in a lot of prayer and dropping my pride to ask for donations so I can afford 11 more sessions so I can meet with her twice a week for the summer...that's $1,100. So if anyone has any ideas let me know haha.

Anyway, with my new meal plan in hand and a new freedom food list..I am looking forward to the Wednesdays to come. For that matter I am looking forward to the Monday, Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays as well. I am just looking forward to a future of freedom in eating what I want instead of what my brain says I can have. Because honestly...unless my body starts craving arsenic or poison...what I want and what I can have should be the same thing. are some things I hope I will once again be having in my Wednesdays to come.


I have much hope for my b-fast seeing as I have been eating the same three just rotating through them for the past two years of my are some (trust me there are more) things I hope to try. 

  French Toast Sticks: I actually don't even know if I like these because I was never allowed them as a child and I have never allowed myself to have them as an adult. I remember going to my friends houses and seeing them eating them while I sat by and ate my bowl of oatmeal thanks to the lovely diet I was on at the time. Yes...I was put on diets as young as 8 years old...and no...they didn't allow French Toast sticks.

Muffins: Every Sunday morning my mom bakes muffins. It's one of the few things she bakes very well (love you anyway mom). I have NEVER let myself have them even though I desperately want to. I am hoping sometime soon I will let myself.

Pancakes: My dad makes the best pancakes ever. He invents new flavors and they have fresh fruit from his garden and spices and everything...and I think I have eaten them like..once a while ago. I just sit over my bowl of bland grits....watching the rest of my family enviously while ED yells at me. But  I have hope...hope for a new future.


I miss the simple lunch sandwich. Thanks to fear of deli meat though...sandwiches have gone out the window. They used to be my favorite lunch. With some healthy sides. I always LOVED sandwich day in treatment. And when I was running XC PB and Banana sandwiches were my jam. Granted it was fake pb with really low fat..but still...even that I am too afraid of now. I hope one day to conquer a real PB and banana sandwich....or just a sandwich in general. Especially with how busy my life is about to get...being able to just pack a sandwich would be nice.

I don't honestly know anything else I miss for lunch...think its just the good ole' sandwich. Maybe a wrap one day would be nice. Oh and these..I miss these....BAKED LAY's. In treatment I would shove my way to the front of the line to get these once I got extra starch added to my lunch. It was my go-to side....that or...oh..chickpeas...I miss my chickpeas too. Stupid sodium fears.


I have always hated dinner. I just...I don't know..I don't like dinner food. Still..there are some bigger meal foods I guess I miss...or just want to allow myself to have again. 


So here I got: fish sticks (never had them) , white rice (was favorite thing but used to binge on), corn bread (mom amazing at cooking this), baked rolls (don't remember last one), grilled shrimp (just another protein source be nice to accept), fajitas (again love these)

There is one dinner I do miss a ton...especially with grills coming out. A good cookout. I so miss turkey burgers or salmon burgers on a toasted bun. Either corn on the cob or sweet potato fries on the side. With a side salad and maybe some fruit. Oh...that would be pure perfection...yet I am sooo scared of it. 

See the problem is my whole life and even now my mom gets in rut of cooking the same thing every week. So to me...dinner is always bland and I really don't know what else is out there. So please...give me ideas. Right now all we do is egg white omelettes (I am scared of and really don't like), refried bean on corn tortillas (faced this fear this week), grilled chicken salads or just fresh grilled chicken (faced this this week too), and then they go to Subway...which takes me to...

Restaraunt Eating

No pics necessary here...but will add anyway. The restaraunts I miss soooo much: Menchie's, Chick-fil-A, Jimmy John's, Subway, chinese food steamed, Starbuck's. Here are some entrees form those that I want to try...again I have all summer. 


So here are some old favorites from my brief time in "recovery" when running XC that I miss: PB and graham crackers and Nature Valley PB bars. 

Of course there are also plenty of snacks I have never been allowed or it's been so long I don't even know if I like them. 


I just look forward to allowing myself any desserts...but the ones I really, really hope I can one day eat again I put here. I haven't had these (outside of treatment) since....middle school I think. 

So obviously I have a long way to go...a lot of foods to face...but i am hopeful. And if you all have any favorites that I forgot let me know :)