Sunday, July 21, 2013
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Saturday, July 13, 2013
|Yes please! Can I live here!|
|My image of recovery. Simple...yet I feel impossible.|
Friday, July 12, 2013
Alright so I ate stupid cake. I trusted and I did it...what happens? Worst fear! Ed is proven right and I gain 1.2 lbs overnight. Could it be from eating late? Yes. Could it be because didn't poo as much? Yes. Does my brain blame cake and meal plan? Yes!
What does this mean? It means I want to restrict and feel I can now. Hasn't even been a week and gained 2 lbs. It feels so wrong especially when wt was down slightly yesterday. But honestly a bigger part of me doesn't want to restrict. It's hungry and wants to give plan just one more day. Heck...if throw in towel now...well won't have even made it a week on this plan.
So I want to give it till tom. Now before you get all excited and proud of me for doing plan let me be honest. Right now I have plan in tom to eat low amt of calories so can lose this wt if its still there. And I plan on exercising. That is if wt is still up. So I'm hoping and praying its not...and I am gonna try and not think about fact having high sodium jimmy johns tonight. I'm scared to eat today...but know tom I can just to back. Will take the two weeks till school off from nutritionist and then when go back to school will try again.
I know its crazy and makes no sense. This cycle I have where gain, get scared, and lose back. That's why I am hoping this wt be down tom and have only gained a lb or less in this week.
For today...just keep with plan. And get timing on track. That's my focus. Wish me luck.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Friday, July 5, 2013
Thursday, July 4, 2013
See here is the reality. I am miserable every time I choose to do one of these relapses and I realized I have kind of been doing recovery waiting for the next relapse instead of accepting and agreeing to recover. I jumped on new plan, knowing this trip would come and planning to not do plan. Even now, going back to plan my mind drifts to the fact I will be back at school soon and probably lapse then. But I am tired of it. I am tired of living relapse to relapse and misery to misery, I want to choose to leave victory to victory, to love glory to glory with God.
So in some desperate prayer time with God this morning when I realized just how far I had slipped and that the only comfort I would find in getting back on my plan (and only way it will be possible) is dependence and trust in Him…he revealed the date to me…4th of July. Today is Independence Day. It’s Independence Day and today…once and for all…I am declaring my independence from ED and dependence on God. My body, my mind, my spirit…they can’t take these relapses anymore. They just can’t.
So I am going to learn from this…from seeing that I can’t choose to just slip and get out of it. Because this isn’t just a battle over behaviors, but over mind. And every time I choose to use symptoms…the ED mindset takes back over. I have to surrender it. I have to stop looking for an ending point of recovery and just jump on board. It’s scary, yes. It’s scary to venture to the unknown and commit to not turning back….but I have to. There may be slips along the way, but I am going to stop trying to seek out chances to slip and as my brain puts its not “take a break” from recovery. Because each of these relapses I am miserable. At the end of them I beg and plead to God to make my wt or something be a sign I should get better…why? Because I don’t want this ED. As scary as that is…it’s the truth. I want life and I want victory. And you know what…I deserve it.
I know it won’t be easy…and it won’t feel natural.I know my mind may wander back to trying to find the next excuse to slip..to stop gaining…to lose back weight, but in those moments I will take my thoughts captive and turn them to God. I will learn to reach out for support and take the advice I am given. All those years ago America declared its independence from Britain.Were they excited…I bet they were. But were they scared…I can almost guarantee it. There were probably so many unanswered questions. They had never run a country….never been independent of the Brits…but they took the leap of faith…and look at America now. Look at how it is a top nation in the world. But it wasn’t without a literal battle. It wasn’t without fear. And it wasn’t without a leap of faith.
Update: You can see the two declarations here and here.