Usually I don’t celebrate Halloween…but this year…I started the celebration yesterday on Halloween Eve. I started the celebration by accepting all the tricks of my nutritionist. By accepting the trick that I gained more than a lb. By accepting the treats of freedom foods I will be facing this week (will share last weeks probably tomorrow). And while these are all well and good..it wasn’t the biggest treat o all.
You see, my dining hall celebrates Halloween by having pumpkin decorating and tons of extra goodies in the form of candies and cupcakes and such. I had NO INTENTIONS of eating any of them, expecially after being giving my Halloween task (more in a bit). Then I saw those cookies…the ones that come out only Halloween, Xmas, Easter, and Valentine’s. The sugar cookies with sprinkles baked in…I saw them…and I wanted one. But I couldn’t…I just couldn’t…so I snuck some out to stash till next week.
Of course I started thinking how they might be stale the next week and how much I wanted to be normal and just eat a cookie in the moment because I wanted to. Still, I snuck out the cookie and stored it in my room for safe-keeping…but that cookie haunted me. So I did the only thing I knew to do..I e-mailed my RD. And in one simple line she told me to have the cookie. There it was…there was the answer I wanted to hear…the permission I couldn’t give myself. Yet…I still didn’t want to take it. Here is why.
During session we chose my dessert for the week and decided it would be Halloween candy on Halloween. The last time I had candy on Halloween was freshmen year of HIGH SCHOOL (I’m a senior in college so this was 8 years ago) and I still remember it was a single piece of bubblegum (Double Bubble Sour Apple). That’s all I had that whole night. Before that I hadn’t had candy since 5th grade of elementary school and even then on Halloween it was only 2 pieces. I felt ashamed to eat more than that in front of people because I thought they would think of how fat I was.
So when my N said we were doing Halloween candy this week I thought 2 pieces. To me that is what I had learned to be appropriate. The only time I did more than 2 pieces was in my binges in elementary school….and those haunt me to this day. When my N said 5 pieces I literally was speechless. FIVE PIECES! Was she crazy. We discussed how normal that was and how she was trying to teach me what my parents hadn’t about moderation (the dieting mentality was more present in my household). How on Halloween it was normal for people to have a piece put in their lunchbox by their parents, then sneak a piece before they went out, then have pieces when they came back from trick or treating (usually way more than 3 pieces) so 5 was totally normal. But in my mind all I did was add up the calories.
So back to the cookie…here I was knowing the next day (today) I would have to eat 5 pieces of candy and now my N wanted me to eat a cookie. I was sure this cookie would make me gain a ton and then I wouldn’t be able to do the candy. I asked her if I could do the cookie and then 2 pieces of candy today instead, but she wanted me to do the cookie that day, in the moment, when I wanted it. So…I did what I was scared (and excited) to do…and I had the cookie. Honestly…I was happy…so happy. It wasn’t even that good of a cookie..but yet it is the best cookie I ever had because I had it on a day I didn’t plan instead of my healthier fruit and starch snack because I wanted it. And guess what…(TRIGGER WARNING) I ended up losing weight last night…okay it is probably a fluctuation but still (TRIGGER OVER).
And now it’s Halloween…and so I wanted to chronicle putting the Happy back in Halloween. Giving this holiday to God by giving it to recovery. I was a panic this morning trying to figure out what 5 pieces I would have and it was all numbers not taste to me. So I e-mailed my N what I wanted (snickers, twix, skittlesx2, and taffy piece), what I was scared to do because of tummy ache (all chocolate), and what ED wanted (all fruity and low cal like dum dums and taffy). So we came down to this: snickers, twix, skittles, taffy, and a dum-dum. But I honestly didn’t want dum-dum because knew that was ED and luckily someone at work surprised me with pumpkin lollipops…so I’m doing one of those. So…here we go…ready, set, trick ED and get a treat (or 5)!
Snickers: This was the first one I wanted to do because I literally don’t think I have ever had a snickers outside of a binge when I was in 3rd/4th grade. So after lunch was when this one was and OMG it was amazing. I had half frozen, then let it thaw and had other half. ED wanted me to weigh it on food scale, but I didn’t. And I tasted it and IT WAS AMAZING. I was so excited to eat candy on Halloween that I actually didn’t even think about the numbers. I want the chance to see it’s okay…so for today I am going to believe it is and just eat the candy. Without a thought of my weight tomorrow..giving that part to God. Oh…btw the pumpkins name is Elmer and he is helping me push through. So here is the first bite (thumbs up) and the pure joy, excitement, and slight fear!
|Now I will admit something scary did happen and the snickers like triggered something in me to want more and more because of the sweetness. This is what happens when you deprive yourself of something so long. I resisted the urge and told myself there was more candy for later. I don’t know if that was good or bad to do…but it’s what I did.|
Twix: This one wasn’t so good due to circumstances. I was on duty tonight and there was an emergency I had to go to instead of being able to eat dinner. This meant dinner got pushed later and I was super full after. But wanted me twix…so even though full I ate it which made me feel guilty, but I figure I wanted it and it was okay and I knew fullness result of fiber from dinner. I must admit…shouldn’t eat these frozen…and not as good as Snickers…but still a victory!
And I started to worry about weigh-in tomorrow because of eating late. But I realized worrying wasn’t going to change anything..it was just going to take away from joy of this moment. So gave weigh-in to God and enjoyed Halloween…it only comes once a year you know.
Taffy: Tummy still didn’t feel well, but had the taffy anyway and it was freaking delicious. I was in rush on way to do rounds…so no pics. But it was candy corn flavored salt water taffy…LOVED it!
Darkside Skittles: These are really good and ate them as I used to love to do…piece by piece based on flavors. I love skittles so much…sadly these were room temp and I like them best really cold, but still enjoyed them…even with tummy not feeling well.
Pumpkin Lollipop: I don’t think this is one of those lollies you crave, but its one you eat because its Halloween and you want it. It was really sweet and wasn’t bad, but not something I will be reaching for. But I finished with a smile even bigger than the one on the sucker.
So tonight was a victory…it put happy back in my Halloween and gave this holiday back to God. It’s only by His strength I pushed through the fears and the tummy pain. I think tummy pain more from tummy upset earlier in day and the messed up timing than any of the candy though ED say otherwise. Well vote is definitely that Snickers rock! Oh…and to settle tummy I faced a banana tonight too. Let’s check score here ED 0—Jess and Jesus 1