I’m in a weird place. I thought I was doing so well last week…then I let one day…one bad day…throw me back weeks. This was last Wednesday. I freaked out about the weigh-in being so shocking in that I hadn’t gained and in fact had lost despite doing my plan. Somehow this made me delay eating and timing got horrible. I had fought so hard for the week to have good timing…but it got way off that day and I felt miserable. I went to bed determined Thursday would be a better day.
But then I let fear on Thursday take me over and everything messed up again. And Friday…well I had that weigh-in I had earned and it wasn’t exactly how I wanted or expected and I let that one moment…that one number…I let it throw me back. I didn’t even realize it till now. But I went home and commited to doing two three mile walks and convinced myself it was to socialize with family.
Well…when I went on the walks I added in the “challenge” for us to run too. And I made sure I was always ahead of the family so I could feel I was going faster and burning more. Then my family had dessert and my favorite Jimmy John’s to celebrate on Friday…I went with a safer option. Saturday another walk and I made sure I ate safe yet again. I also delayed eating all day and found ways to stay busy so I wouldn’t eat. So again timing sucked.
Sunday rolled around and I told myself I would get timing right, but just because I wanted the weigh-in to be perfect. I did everything right and went to bed, hoping and praying it would all be okay. That my N would be right and the slight increase in weight Friday would be a result of eating late. But Monday came and the weight was still there and I was in a tailspin. And I threw in the towel.
This was all after and amazing realization on Sunday about why I was so resistant to weight gain. When I realized my fears of losing my nutritionist and having to eat on my own. On being healthy and thus being alone. I am scared to get healthy weight before graduation and lose my team and have to do it all on my own. So on that Sunday….I made what I deemed was the perfect plan. I calculated when I needed to start gaining in order to only get to 115 by graduation…I e-mailed my team and told them that day (which I miscalculated as Nov 6 when it’s actually Oct 30) would be when I would start to gain from 88 lbs. I wouldn’t stand in the way because I would know if only gain 1 lb/week as promised…I would only get to 115 by graduation and I could live with that.
So..when Monday didn’t go well I threw in the towel. Because by still being 88.8 well my plan couldn’t work….and since that day I have been in a restriction to lose weight mode. I hate it. I hate every minute of it. I hate questioning everything again…wanting to eat more but telling myself no. I used to feel power and strength from this. Now…now I just feel disappointment…yet I can’t stop. I felt more in control when I was eating than I do now. Luckily I didn’t do the huge decrease I planned…but I still decreased my intake and I am still allowing myself to be miserable when all I need to do is eat.
So I am in a relapse of sorts I guess. But I feel my plan…the graduation plan…I feel it is really going to help…especially when I let my N change it. Why? Why did I let her change my plan and make perfectly safe one scary? Because she made me realize she cared…here is a recap and why I love my N so much.
N Session Recap
So I went to see my nutritionist on Wed after being on my reduced intake Monday. I was so overcome with guilt I e-mailed her asking if we even needed to meet. I hated coming in as relapsing Jessica yet again. I just hated to look her in the eyes and know I was standing in the way of our work yet again. I have been working with her for 3 years now and she is basically a second mom to me. I trust her more than I have ever trusted anyone.
She e-mailed and told me she still wanted to meet but that we could maybe take next week off. So I went in….so disappointed in myself…but ready to face her. We have an amazing heart-to-heart. I love that I am honest with my nutritionist for once…it really helps.
Anyway..we got around to talking about my plan and she brought up some great points that had actually already been in my mind since therapy on Monday. If I planned it out to gain 1 lb/week to get to the exact 115 at the last possible moment that (1) left no room for any slips (2) because of the 1st point it probably meant I was setting it up so I knew I wouldn’t get to 115 and (3) left me no room to learn to maintain.
I keep forgetting coming May 9th….Katherine will never again be my nutritionist because I won’t be a UGA student. After May 9th…I will lose her as my support. So let’s say I got to 115 (which most likely I wouldn’t with this plan because I tend to struggle over Thanksgiving and xmas break and there will be weeks I don’t gain because of my metabolism or whatever)….walked across the stage at this semi-healthy weight. What then? I go into summer without Katherin and having never maintained a healthy weight. Where would that leave me? Want to know where…set-up perfectly for relapse. For going home for summer, relapsing, losing all the weight….and not being able to go to Denver in the fall.
However if I took a step of faith..stopped trying to control…and decided to start gaining earlier. Katherine could help me learn how to cycle and maintain. How to live the life I have always wanted. This is the moment that changed it all and made me change my plan. She looked me in the eyes and told me this with such excitement in her voice: “Do you know how excited I am for that moment. Let me be honest, I am greedy. I want you to myself. I want to be the person who teaches you how to run or cycle and eat and maintain. I want to be a part of that journey with you. “
With that I knew she was right. I didn’t trust or want to learn to maintain with anyone else. I wanted to have that experience with Katherine. I wanted come graduation for us both to be standing victorious against this long battle I have had to recover. I want to look her in the eyes and be able to say: “Thank you. Thank you so much. We finally did it!” But to do that…it means starting the gain earlier.
So the plan now is come Oct 23rd I am going back to gaining. No ifs, ands, or buts in the process either. We are agreeing when I reach some weight between 110-115 (still working out what the weight is exactly) that we will maintain. Honestly…part of me wants to go ahead and get started….because what if something happens and it gets delayed and I still don’t get to that weight and never get to learn to maintain from Katherine. Will I be there…look back on this moment…and wonder why? Why did I do that? Why didn’t I just start. I don’t want to be full of regrets.
So right now I am committing to Oct 23rd…but after writing this…I wonder why not next week? I don’t want to look back and regret this next semester. Look back to this moment and be like…why…why did you put it off? We could have been maintaining with Katherine…but you had to wait….and now we are out of time. But yet I am scared to start earlier than that…because what if everything does go well and I could have had this extra week of time…will I regret that? Will I regret not spending an extra week in my ED?
I mean I guess not…but…I don’t know…I just want to do the right thing and I am lost. Because I am miserable right now, scared to wait too long and look back with regret, but scared to move forward before I have to. I am confused and lost..but good news is…THERAPY TOMORROW!