I decided to come back to WIAW..in future will be my freedom foods because I want to find pride in that again...but today...today is special one...because today WIAW is about my first bite into recovery. Thanks Jenn for hosting.
You see the bagel is what I dropped from my intake when this relapse started. It is the thing ED has banned me from and taunted me with the past 15 days. Sadly..I have held out till I hit a certain weight..and that happened this morning. So eating this bagel should be easy right? WRONG!
As soon as I saw the weight on the scale ED said it was wrong. Somehow it didn’t count. He came up with a whole list of reasons I could let it count…and I started to buy into them. I had peed more than normal so it wasn’t the same. The scale one time said .2 higher so it wasn’t real. Let me just say…this is the psychosis my therapist talked about yesterday that comes in when you are so underweight and malnourished. Your brain literally buys into completely absurd things.
My mind was (and still is) saying since the weight I wanted wasn’t the first one I saw when stepped on scale and I had to pee a little extra to see it it doesn’t count (complete lie since I always pee before weigh) and thus I didn’t reach my goal. But reality is I have tried to pee before to lower my weight in days past and didn’t work…so this was real and bladder was as empty now as was then. This is how crazy ED makes you. Freaking urinating matters this much. Luckily God and my friends are reassuring me it counts…why wait another day for ED to just come up with more excuses it’s not real.
So then ED said…well your session with your nutritionist is tomorrow…so just wait till then. Luckily, again, God stepped in and had me reach out to my friends, therapist, and nutritionist about that. It took almost half the day (thanks Karen and Melissa for sticking with me), but then I decided that was a dumb excuse.
Okay let’s say I wait till tomorrow. Well first off it’s slapping God in the face along with everyone who I vowed to I would come out of relapse when I hit this weight. But of course being so deep in ED that didn’t matter. Instead it hit me when I realized let’s say my weight fluctuated up tomorrow? Well then ED would use that as an excuse not to start yet again and then this relapse extends out even more. There would never be an end to the relapse.
So here I was and I had the weight I thought would make getting into recovery easy and it didn’t. What was stopping me? What was making me all the sudden want to wait for tomorrow when I had been so excited to be able to start today? It took coming back from class and seeing the scale for me to realize. You see I all the sudden wanted to weigh again, to see if the weight would be same (it obviously wouldn’t because of food and water in me)…and I realized I was upset I had hit this goal (not in the way I had imagined because of the stupid urination) and it was over. The relapse was over. The time with ED was over…and forever it would be. That by choosing to eat the bagel I was saying this was good enough to start recovery. That I would never again be this weight. It was over. And it just didn’t feel right.
I just felt like I needed another day..more comfort that I had accomplished my goal. That I had reached this weight. And that would come by another day of scale saying this number. But that isn’t what I agreed to. Here was reality. Reality was I hit 86 lbs. I hit it so yes I was 86 lbs, I was also sick, miserable, crazed, and tired. I was also tortured every moment by ED and scared of everything. But now…now I was meant to be on the road to recovery. I was meant to not by 86 lbs anymore and instead start gaining weight. I was mean to be strong, courageous, and a fighter. This was my sign and I needed to take it.
Part of me (the ED part probably) says I will forever look back and regret not waiting another day. That I will forever regret I had to pee in order to hit 86 lbs. For some reason…I don’t think recovered me will even remember if I had to pee extra in order to hit the weight. Honestly..I don’t think I will find any pride in hitting 86 lbs. I think I will just be sad I had to get that low to recover. I think I would more regret putting it off till tomorrow just so ED can get the weigh-in he wants. Just so he can have more control. I would regret disobeying God. I would regret waiting, having wt randomly flux up, and then not being able to go into nutritionist session ready to recover. Plus...I look back on past lapses and I don't even remember what weights my "cut-off" was. And I even think one time I ended it .2 lbs higher than was "supposed" to and it never drove me to lapse...and see I don't even remember now. So I really think this is just ED.
I already had this 86.2 pee fiasco this weekend and regretted not starting then too. So…what am I going to do. I am going to eat bagel. Why? No, not because I hit a certain weight, but because this craziness sucks. Because I lost to 86 the way God wanted not the way ED wanted. Because by waiting till tom it is what ED wants…and that life…living for ED..it’s over. Btw, I am typing this trying to convince myself its okay. It’s not working and part of me is scared this will drive me to want to hit 86 the “right way” but maybe not doing that is meant to be my first victory against ED. All I know..is I know the right thing to do...so today...today I will eat a bagel. Because it will never be right time for ED for me to recover...but today..today is right day for me.
Just an update here it is :) Along with first bite! 10:45 PM Oct 22, 2013....God won, ED lost...Recovery started