Saturday, November 16, 2013

I'm truly this desperate...

Seriously..this is how desperate I am to want a sign about Mon. This is how distrusting I am. I can’t just have faith…blind faith. I need knowledge. So I search for a sign about my weight come Mon in anything. I was okay and understanding of it when it was based off how my clothes fit or body looked. I mean even though seem tighter/bigger I have been sticking to plan..but this…what just happened…is not okay.

2013-11-16 aubrn ricardo louis
I was watching UGA v Auburn and saw we were actually ahead. So I prayed for our team’s safety in that final minute…I didn’t pray for victory..just God’s will. Right then…an unbelievable play happens…we miss a fumble and the ball falls right into Auburn player’s hand and he runs for a touchdown that leads to their victory. There was less than a minute left in the game. All the sudden I felt it was my fault. Because I sent up that prayer…that’s why they lost. And then I thought it was a sign about Mon. A sign that I can’t trust and that everyone out to get me. A sign that come Mon weight is going to be shot up. What the heck is wrong with me?

Why am I saying a football play has anything to do with my weight. How am I  making a lucky catch have to do with my ability to trust my nutritionist. And even bigger…why am I letting football tell me anything about the character, nature, and relationship with God. I honestly want to know what is wrong with me and how I can fix it.

I know this is just because I am not weighing every day. And honestly…sometimes…I feel my clothes are looser and that I really haven’t gained. Actually was feeling that before the football play. I think that scares me most. Because I am scared I will be let down come Mon. If I hope too much for the good and actually trust the good…only bad can happen. It’s like I feel I always need to set low expectations..that way I won’t let myself down. I always need to plan for worst case scenario because I don’t deserve or won’t get the good things in life.

However if I look back to all the times I have trusted God and my N and been obedient…everything has worked out fine…including my weigh-ins. Why can’t I just trust that. Why do I have to get so desperate I let football dictate whether I can trust God or my N. I get I was addicted to scale to tell me how plan affecting body…and now without scale I am turning to football…I just don’t get it..and it sucks. I just want to trust, believe, and leave Mon to Mon. 

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