After those 5 candies last night (close to 300 extra calories) my weight didn’t change at all…well actually it did..it WENT DOWN .2 lbs! It’s crazy to be. This slaps ED in the face. ED said eating even a single piece of candy would cause weight gain and 5…well that was gonna be up a lb. Plus it was a non-exercise day. And yet my weight is down. And the day before with the cookie same thing. So maybe..just maybe…ED is wrong. Maybe I can be free to eat what I want when I want it….maybe.
Even better though today was I experienced a day that made me realize in recovery…this is the life I really want. You see today a friend of mine sent me a message about how she wished she could be as brave and strong as me. Me? She had the wrong person. Yes..I had eaten cookie and even candy…but it wasn’t me. It was completely God. So I told her the only thing I could…that she could do this too, but she needed to rely on God. I was shaking when I was doing the candy, I was so scared. But every time my mind went to the weigh-in the next day, I went to prayer and gave it to God. Then I was able to enjoy the candy, eat, and be at (somewhat) of a peace. I knew God had me…I knew he would provide whatever I needed to get through the weigh-in whether up down or the same. Shorly thereafter she text me a picture of a daily devotional she had tucked away and she had decided to open it up to today and the message was Open the Door to Christ. Wow!
I felt so blessed in that moment. THIS was the life I wanted. I wanted to be able to be a vessel for God. I wanted my journey of recovery to inspire others. I wanted to be able to show His light through my recovery…and in that moment with my friend all those things happen. And all because I put faith before my fears and ate some candy. Not only had I experienced freedom because I saw I wouldn’t gain…but someone else was able to get closer to God. I felt so blessed, so humbled, and gave thanks to God for providing me that opportunity to show His light.
I couldn’t help thinking THIS IS THE LIFE I WANT. I don’t want to be afraid of food or clinging to a number on a scale. I want a life where I am conquering fears with God and inspiring others. I have a ways to go and plenty of more victories to fight for. I don’t want so much of my reassurance of eating foods to be based off the scale, but that’s where I am at now. And for right now that’s okay. I just want to keep pushing for victories and the chance to inspire others.
I also got to take my new running shoes out for a spin. It was amazing. I was listening to praise music and running in the rain and I didn’t care. I just felt free. Free and happy. I had prayed before I went on the run that God would allow me to see my strength and I did. I was able to do 5 min run, 2 min walk intervals with ease when my ED brain said I was too weak and pathetic. It was just another freedom.
And I went to the store and didn’t have to stock up on bags of Halloween candy that had gone on sale, because I had allowed myself candy and thus didn’t need to hoard any. And I will admit when I was at the store I saw a guy who was the picture of the husband I want. I took a sneak in his cart and he had powerades, greek yogurt, hummus, organic milk. I know totally creeper of me, but I could totally see me married to someone like that.
It was just an amazing day (well for the most part…my timing got off, but I still finished my meal plan and faced my freedom food). I realized the life I WANT and realized I am getting a taste of it by trusting in God and my nutritionist and actually recovering. I can’t believe it’s only been a week…only a week and I feel this happy. Who knows what the future will bring…but for now I know this:
I WANT a life like this. I WANT a life where my eating habits and victories over fears INSPIRE OTHERS. I want my recovery to SHOCK PEOPLE as they realize the person I am now is different than who I was. I want that shock to be an OPPORTUNITY TO PROCLAIM THE POWER AND LOVE OF GOD. I want to be a LIVING TESTIMONY OF HIS HEALING. I want to be able to RUN FREE both literally and figuratively. For my runs to be about time with God, not split times, calories burned, or distance run. Just about me and God and the path ahead. I want to be MARRIED. I want to go to the grocery store with my hubby after our run (well and probably shower) and get his powerade and our greek yogurt and milk and whatever else. I want to NOURISH my body with healthy foods but allow myself treats too. And today…today I saw those aspects of my life..and today…well…for the first time in a while..I truly feel happy J
THIS is the life I want. Eating candy and knowing it won’t cause me to shoot up in weight. Running because I want to. Testifying of the power of God. Experiencing God and His love. Experiencing each moment and being present enough in life to creepily sneak a look at a cute guy’s shopping cart :P Forgiving myself when I slip (ie mess up my timing). Just living life….experiencing life…enjoying life. Yeah…for today I say recovery is good…and it’s worth the fight. I say that’s two days and let’s check score….ED 0- Jess and Jesus 2!