Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Why can't I trust? And how tonight I did.

Okay so I weighed in this morning and I am at 88.4 which is only up .2 lbs in this week but 1.8lbs in two weeks. I convinced myself my N wouldn’t make me increase today because it is still 2 lbs in two weeks. Plus, I was scared if she did. You see this is the same pt we were at before my last lapse. This is what happen.

Week1 then: I gained 1.2 lbs (up to 88.6)   
Week 2 then: I lost .4 lbs  (down to 88.2) so we added  6 almond
Week 3 then: well only lasted till Mon then lapsed but I gained .6 lbs to 88.8

So I got convinced in Week 2 body lied to me. That it hadn’t really lost because calories from 6 almonds shouldn’t have caused that to happen. Granted..I never gave body a chance or even a full week, but still I freaked and lapsed. And now ED has told me since this happened:

Week 1 now: Gained 1.6 lbs (up to 88.2)
Week 2 now: Gain .2 lbs (up to 88.4)

Well that I don’t need increase because even without increase my weight is just gonna shoot up next week. Bascially it comes down to not trusting my body. I just don’t trust that the extreme hunger coupled with basically maintaining this week means I need more food. I am convinced body is tricking me and want to prove it to everyone by not increasing this week and showing them all I still gain a lb. But also…I desperately want to be wrong. I want to just trust that when I don’t gain means I need more food. It’s so easy when I am restricting the second I don’t lost I drop intake, but for increasing intake there is all this caution and mistrust in me.

Then when I told N my weight…she said “well then we will have to add exchange” and I froze. She knew what happened last time and she had said we might not increase this week even if don’t gain a lb since I gained more than a lb in first week. She wanted to add a single starch, but I was adamant that would not be happening. I was (and am ) convinced without exchange my weight is going to shoot up. My N tried to make me see I have been hungry and my weight didn’t go up really…so it is sign body need more. But I am just convinced she is wrong and my body is wrong. That come next week if we added a starch weight would shoot up because really I don’t need more.

We ended up talking and due to some other stressors occurring this week (ie my grandma coming into town and me going home this weekend) we wouldn’t add the exchange. Instead I need to eat higher cal spreads on my bagels a few times this week and make sure my starches are > 65 calories per exchange (sometimes I only do 55 calories). It was what I wanted…well what ED wanted..and I was sure I would be happy…but I am just more anxious.

See now I am terrified no matter what happens. Let’s take the scenario I really,really don’t want. That ED is proven right. That come a week from today, despite not really increasing, I gain a lb. Well then I really won’t trust my body, will never trust when I need increase, and will never trust my hunger cues. I will be in a whirlwind of even further distrust with me body. So basically…I will be terrified and screwed.

So then let’s take the scenario I think I want. One where I end up not gaining this week and ED is proven wrong and I see I can (and should have) trusted my N. Well then we are week behind in my goal for graduation. I will be under even more pressure to gain. And I risk not reaching my maintenaince weight in time to practice it with my N. So that doesn’t seem to good either.

I wish I could just trust and add the exchange. I mean it would still show whether my body lied and I didn’t need more (ie I gain a ton from tiny addition) or I did need more (ie body gains maybe a lb next week). But I wouldn’t be risking a week. Yet, I can’t get myself to do that. I just want proof I can trust my body and N. I want this week so I can see and trust that.

But again I don’t want to risk being a whole week off. I e-mailed my N and asked her (since I weigh-in on Fridays too) that if I don’t gain by Fri maybe I should add the starch. That way I get best of both worlds. ED proven wrong (way wrong actually but back to that in a moment) and I don’t lose week of progress.

But now I am even more nervous about Friday because tonight my dining hall is having a special event and I am actually going to eat at it. I will be having a Veggie Dog on a bun with relish, corn on cobb, vinegar slaw, and possibly a dessert called Puppy Chow I have been avoiding my whole time here. How in the world will I eat that and not have my weight shoot up. And then Fri when I see my weight has shot up I will be freaking out that body really did lie. Ugh…this is just so frustrating.

I am tired of not trusting my body. It’s a freaking body. It’s doesn’t have emotions of motives. It can’t trick me….it can’t lie to me..because it’s not a being…its just a body. Yet I can’t trust it. This is the issue behind a lot of my ED. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust my body. I don’t trust my N. I don’t trust God. I just don’t trust. I am always convinced people (and in this case my body) are out to get me or hurt me.

So…I don’t know. I hope maybe this week I will see I can trust. But then…if I have to see it is it really trust. I don’t know. And I just…I’m too scared to add in the exchange now. But I’m too busy to worry about Friday. So..guess just going to give it over to God and deal with Friday when it gets here. Fingers crossed, prayers lifted, fears released.

Well I just went to show that ED may sneak into my N session, but when I turn back to God the day can turn back to Him as well. After realizing how I let ED take over my session and how being defiant to my N was being defiant to God….I went into my challenge dinner with an honest anger at ED for holding me back yet again. So I vowed to make this challenge meal one I really wanted.

It was a theme night in my dining hall and the first one I have ever eaten at. That’s right, it’s my senior year and this is the FIRST time I have eaten on a theme night in the dining hall. And it was the Homecoming Dinner. How appropriate seeing as I am living my prison of ED and going Home to the arms of my Savior. So I went in and was gonna do my challenge meal.

I got to dining hall and got what me and my N agreed on: veggie dog on a white bun with relish. I was also supposed to get corn on the cobb but the lovely dining hall added butter which I can’t eat. ED did jump in as I went to get my usual side of peas…but (luckily) the dining hall was out so I was left to make a decision in the moment. Usually I would freak out…but tonight I decided to just choose another starch exchange….calories not mattering. So I went with the black beans I have been craving. When I went to sit down, I knew I wanted mustard on my veggie dog..but mustard wasn’t in the challenges for this week. That’s what ED was saying. But I said screw it…if I am doing freedom I’m doing it fully. So I got mustard too J It was honestly the best meal ever because it was what I wanted. IT was also completely terrifying and filling….but the fear was so worth the joy I felt.

I also told my N I would sneak out some puppy chow my school is known for but only makes on occasion. She told me I had to have some before I graduated…and I was planning to maybe have some on Friday since I was going on a run. But tonight…I decided to screw that idea too. What was the normal, non-ED thing to do. It was to have it tonight. My N said if I decided to do it tonight I could just have a little bit but it wouldn’t count anything. Needed 1/3 cup for it to count. But I had looked up the stats and that terrified me.

But I wanted to be normal, wanted to be free of ED, and wanted to try the puppy chow I have avoided my whole college career out of fear. So I did 1/3 cup. I didn’t actually like it, but now I can say I tried it! And you know what? I’m terrified. Absolutely flipping out. ED is screaming that any hope I had to maintain come Fri is gone that I am going to shoot up like 4 lbs because of my “mistakes” tonight. But you know what I hear more than that? I hear that little girl inside of me..I hear her saying thank you. I hear that freshmen Jess breathing a sigh of relief….letting go of the tension of the chains of ED. And you know what I feel more than this crippling fear. I feel the strength of my God, the joy from doing what I wanted, and the freedom from, for just one meal, letting it all go.

I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow. I don’t know what Friday will bring. But I know no matter what God will see me through. Because He did tonight. He gave me the strength I never knew I had…and He provided for freedom and joy I feel blessed to have received. I thank God for this victory…tonight Jess won, and ED was sent packing. 

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