Friday, December 6, 2013

Back in recovery (again)...and scared shitless

I went to bed last night and told myself if the scale read a certain number I would start back on meal plan today. Well…I woke up this morning and the scale read that number. I was in shock because I didn’t think it was possible. This time was different too. I wasn’t excited it was that number. Though I do want to recover I was more scared.

And ED came up with tons of excuses why I couldn’t start today. The biggest was that I used a laxative yesterday and thus had diarrhea and thus this was water weight loss and thus I needed to wait till tomorrow to start so it was more accurate. He would even allow me to eat a little more today I just couldn’t start plan. I mean I wouldn’t have an accurate start weight then.

Well..I did only think I knew to do. I e-mailed my N and I text my stepmom. Me and my stepmom ended up talking and she made me see that tomorrow would just lead to another tomorrow. That all of this was just ED thinking and that if I didn’t start today it showed I really needed inpatient treatment.

My weight is back down to my lowest. I weigh (trigger warning) 86 lbs again…actually 85.8. I need to say that. I need to come to grips with it. That’s deadly low and I need to start recovery today. Whether it is water weight or whatever. Honestly, I need to get back on my meal plan not because of a weight, but because I want to live, I want to recover, I want to honor my dad. It has killed me these past 2.5 weeks being in relapse knowing my dad could see it all. Knowing I was daily making choices that would break his heart.

So after talking with my stepmom I did the very thing that seemed so wrong…I ate breakfast. I started back on my meal plan. It’s been a scary day and it’s not even halfway over yet, but I am pushing through. One meal, one step, one second at a time. And it’s very hard because me and my N have an even stricter plan now.
No exercise is the hardest thing. Not even yoga. It’s been agonizing and I feel lazy and huge. I am not going to sugar coat it. Today has sucked and been a hard fight. I want to go back to my behaviors of being more active to disguise it as exercise. Going out on walks but not telling anyone. But I haven’t.

And I have gotten full portions. I have chosen higher calorie options. Instead of acting on impulses I have shared them with nutritionist and asked her about them and followed her guidelines. Yes I have begged and pleaded for exercise today…just a simple walk…but she reminded me that if I can’t gain the lb per week we have agreed upon and go inpatient..there won’t be any exercise so its no different.

It’s so hard because of the fear. I have tons of fears because I started today and I still don’t feel good about starting today. I want to weigh tom to have better start weight idea, but have agreed to only weekly weigh-ins to send to my N.  So what are my fears?

Weight gain. That’s the obvious one. As much as I know I need it and say I wanted it, it doesn’t make it less terrifying. I am scared especially for this 1st week on the plan. I restricted so low this time and had water loss from laxative use so I am scared how much weight will be up from 86 come Wed. But at least now will have the excuse to reassure myself some of its water. will be a hard day.

Failure. I am giving outpatient my all now. I am sharing my contract openly with my family and whoever wants to know and I am being honest. So I am scared…what if I do all that…set up all these parameters…and still its not enough. What if in the end I realize this belief is wrong..this passion in me to do this outpatient I just can’t fill..that I do need a higher level of care. I am scared to commit..give it 100% and realize I am just too sick to do this on my own. That my ED has taken me over too much.

My motivation. That’s right. It scared me to start today because it scared me how motivated I am to recover. I am scared because I really am commiting. Will I gain weight faster now that I am committed? Will I take off too fast in recovery? Will it all happen too quickly? Am I ready to recover? These are all the things swirling in my mind.

Gaining weight but not freedom. I am scared to change. I am scared I will change physically faster than I will mentally and that I will end up at goal weight still messed up or even worse off mentally. This has happened every time inpatient..and residential…and I am scared it will happen now too. But I guess I won’t know till I try.

Other people. I am scared how other people will view me and my new body. What will they think about me for all the sudden recovering when most people know me as Jessica with an ED. Will they think I am weak? I mean I know that’s absurd, because I look up to and admire my friends in recovery…I see them as strong..but still it’s a fear.

Expectation for perfection.  I am scared now that I am doing this there is a pressure and expectation for me to be perfect in recovery. But what if I do struggle. What if I slip up? I was scared to start today because it meant choosing to be in recovery and for people to actually be looking to me to do the right thing instead of just watching me in my disorder.

Doing it without my dad.  I know he is with me. It motivated me to get through the day, but still it feels wrong moving on without him. I almost feel like I am not just saying goodbye to ED by choosing to start my meal plan….but I am saying bye to the way things were. I am saying hi to a new normal and that new normal involves not having my dad here physically. And that is really hard. I am having to accept reality and do this journey without him here physically. I always thought he would be here in this journey..and it’s hard moving on when it just doesn’t feel right. Weigh-in didn’t seem right and not having my dad doesn’t seem right…but I know he would want me to recover.

So I am choosing recovery today…not tomorrow. I am scared and ED’s fears and excuses actually do seem logical…but I guess that just shows how desperately I need to get back on track. I mean it was getting horrible. I drove back to my campus yesterday to take care of some things and also to avoid eating because I knew traffic would get me stuck. That’s just screwed up.

So I’m scared. No..I’m terrified..but it’s time to recover.’s not the “perfect” way for me to start. My weight didn’t seem accurate, my dad isn’t here, it’s not a Wed and Wed are my weigh-in days. But reality is it will never feel okay to start. I will always be scared. These fears will be there…but I have to face them. I have to face them and move on.

And I am not alone. Today has shown me how much support I have. And my dad is here. In fact he is more a part of my recovery now than ever before because he can be there in every second, every struggle, and every triumph. He can be there as motivation to do as he told me and taught me to do. To live in each moment, focus on each moment, and in that moment saying “I choose life.” Love you dad. We will do this.

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