Friday, December 6, 2013

Being at sickest...please need insights!!!

So I am finishing my snacks but I am pissed about it. Went to an amazing meeting tonight and got a lot of support and I am going to an EDA meeting on Sunday at a treatment house. The problem is…this is making me want to lapse. For tonight I am choosing recovery, but I don’t want to eat my meal plan tomorrow too because I know I will gain weight and then at the Sun meeting the girls there won’t see me at my sickest..won't see me or believe I was ever 86 lbs..not that they would know either way.

I don’t know what it is about that either. Why I feel people need to see me at my sickest before I get better. It’s so weird. I just always want to be at my sickest. Like I am scared to go back to school in Jan at higher weight than when I left because I feel people are expecting me to come back sicker. And for some reason I feel that is the role I need to fill. To be the sick one…because that is what people expect me to be.

So what will people think if I come to meeting Sunday at a higher weight. And I won’t even know my weight because can’t weigh till Wed. That is, unless of course I just lapse a bit for next two days…or get on scale..or something. Just to give me comfort. And honestly I can’t say right now what I am going to do…other than that tonight I am going to finish my plan. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

But still…what if I do stick with meal plan, don’t weigh Sun..but I know I will weigh more than do now. What will that mean? What will the girls think of me? It’s’s like I don’t think they will believe I was/am sick. Like I won’t belong. Like I won’t be able to say, “Hey..look at me. See I am sick…I need help. Please help me.” It’s like I won’t feel deserving. How fucked up is that?

I mean I use the same mentality with inpatient. If I try outpatient, and I gain weight, but then something happens and turns out I need inpatient..I feel I will have to lose back to my sick weight to go. I can’t just go at a healthier weight because what will that mean about me. People won’t believe I have been sicker. I can’t get better from above my rock bottom. I know it’s fucked up…but I don’t know how to shake it.

I honestly don’t know what I am going to do about Sunday. I don’t know if I will stick with recovery tomorrow or if I will be able to avoid the scale. I mean I just have to get through tomorrow and then Sunday will be here. So I will have to choose tom whether I go in Sun on the road to recovery…or at my sickest.

Even if I choose to lapse there is no guarantee I would be at this low weight come Sun anyway and then I will have thrown in towel for nothing. Thrown in the white chip I picked up tonight for nothing. And even if I am at my sickest…what about the next meeting. The next event. Will I have to be at my sickest then too. Because if that’s the case I am never going to gain weight or recover because I will always have to be at my sickest. There will always be a meeting, events….some excuse holding me back from gaining and keeping weight.

I just have to realize I am more than a weight. A number need not dictate how people think about me or how I think about myself. It shouldn’t be a measure of how my day should go. It shouldn’t dictate my recovery. It is just a measure of health to be used by health professionals. So for tonight…I am doing my plan…and tomorrow…well guess I will figure that out then. 

Guess saying I have to go in at my thinnest is as absurd as an alcoholic saying they have to go to their next AA meeting smashed so people can see them at their sickest. That seems absurd to me so so is this. They would just keep drinking before any new meetings..throwing in their recovery each time. That seems absurd and so is restricting before I go to EDA meeting.

Plus if I weigh tom or restrict tom just to be at sickest before I go to an EDA meeting…that shows I need inpatient treatment. If I can’t wait till Wed to weigh shows I need more. And I don’t want to show that. Plus what about if I get invited to another EDA I have to be at sickest for that one too. Geez…I will never recover at that rate. 

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