Dec 12, 2013
I really miss you today. I thought I had gotten over this phase of grief. I thought I had come to terms with the fact you were gone…now I see really it was just an illusion. I was just keeping myself too busy to think about it. At least consciously. I’ve still dreamed about it. Dreamed about walking in the room and you being there. Dreamed about the warm embrace and the feel of your soul patch against my cheek. Dreamed of heading off in my car and getting the gentle kiss on the top of my head. Dreamed of that gaze you had…every time you would look into my eyes…the gaze of complete, pure love. But I’ve tried to keep those memories from my waking moments. I’ve tried to be strong. I’ve tried to put on a front for everyone who have been saying I need to just get over it. But today…I just couldn’t do it anymore Papa.
I got that interview today. One with Honey Baked Ham. I hit dead end after dead end on the job search, but today I got the interview. I wanted to call and tell you. To call in all my excitement knowing still your response would be that it’s okay to not be working. That I could take this break off to relax. I wonder if you always knew how much it was ED that drove me to stay busy, because then I could feel active and be doing things instead of feeling things. You always tried to get me to slow down and just relax…but I’ve always been driven to work. Now what I would give for one moment of relaxation with you. To have stopped all the to-do lists and just gone out to the garden with you. Or sat on the back porch with you. To have put down the books and just been there with you.
I also found that textbook today dad and it was a steal. I even got it new for only 65 dollars. That plus the fee for PE and it will only be 95 dollars in textbooks this semester. I wanted to call and tell you that too. I know you would have said just to send you the total and you would reimburse me. And you know it was never the reimbursement I cared much about…I just loved sharing with you the steals and bargains I got. We were both so good at finding those.
I also was thinking about all the holiday seasons past. You know you were a hard man to shop for. But no matter what gift I gave you you would rave on and on about it all Christmas day. It just filled my heart with such joy to see you so happy. And I remember always going to Costco or some other store to get Joanne’s gift. It always seemed so last minute to me. That you were rushing to get all the Xmas shopping done at the last second. I used to roll my eyes at this idea. But now I realize it’s because you cared about the season, not just the presents. In fact, a lot of the time you put tons of research and time into the presents, it just took you a while to go out and buy them. Instead you spent the season enjoying time with family, with planning the meal so everyone would feel good on Christmas day. You concentrated on spending the time with me over the break. With decorating the house. With each moment leading up to Christmas, not just on the gifts under the tree.
Haha I still remember we would come over to your house and you would put on your bedroom door a Santa’s Workshop Keep Out sign. It used to always make me smile. I knew behind that door was probably the biggest tornado of gifts, wrapping paper, stockings, tape, and bows. But I never saw the tornado. All I saw was Christmas Eve night as you would stack the boxes under the tree separating me and James. Then Christmas morning waking up to the stocking stuffed with the coolest things. Always so many random things from World Market. And you always made me feel normal on Christmas, because you still gave me candy and food too. Instead of others who never give me candy, you did. And you know what…a lot of the time I pushed myself to have some…though it was when I was alone…but still…there was something about you buying it for me that made me feel okay about eating it. Thanks for the dad. I’m gonna miss that stocking this year. I’m gonna miss our run to Costco. Heck..I already miss having to rack my brain for ideas on what to get you. But really. I just miss you.
I miss looking into your eyes. I miss standing at the island and knowing you will walk in. I miss being nervous making my breakfast because you would be there and I would have to prepare it in front of you (by the way, sorry for all the anger this would bring out towards you). I used to get mad you were always there when I ate…and now I would give anything for one of those moments. I miss the kiss on my head as I pull out to leave. I miss having the countless calls with you to coordinate whose house I will be at. I miss calling you when I am stuck in traffic just because I know our phone call will cheer me up. I miss the feel of your beard against my cheek. I just miss my daddy.
I know we will be together one day daddy…but I’m just mad you had to leave. It’s just not fair. I hadn’t planned on having this Christmas without you. I keep trying to find the reason why God took you. Was it because of something I did? Was it so I would start doing the 12 steps? Is there something I am supposed to learn? But I am starting to see I will never know why. There will never be a reason good enough for me. I just have to trust God had a plan. That your time was done. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less.
So wish me luck tomorrow daddy. What advice do you have for the interview? Oh and can you look over my personal statement..I finally finished it? And I will send you the e-mail for my reimbursement okay daddy? Daddy…you there. No…not physically. Not by phone call, not by e-mail. But I know you are there. You are there giving better than a phone call, e-mail, or reimbursement. You are there guiding me from Heaven. You are kissing me on my head every day. You are embracing me in your warm embrace. You are guiding me. I just have to relax and let myself see it. It may be harder now to sense you, but I know you are there. And when I feel you…when I feel your spirit with me…it’s the most amazing thing. I miss you daddy.