Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Officially broke barrier..and I want it back

Today was official weigh-in so I am officially in 90s…and I don’t like it at all. I thought I could handle this, but honestly I just want to relapse. Didn’t help that today I got no break at work and worked 11 am to 6 pm thus lunch got pushed to 6 pm. I could have easily restricted…I even planned to…but I didn’t. I did next right thing and ate my full meal plan. Honestly just used the excuse that tom is week weigh-in so can’t make decision till then. I am still hoping body will drop some and I will be back in 80s. Why?

Well there are a lot of reasons. Big one today is I may be seeing a new therapist and I don’t want to see her in 90s..I want her to see me in 80s…even if only 89. But probably wouldn’t see her for another 2 weeks so be even further into 90s and I am just not comfortable with that. I don’t want to see her and not be in 80s when 80s were my lowest. I feel she will look down on me for already being in recovery. She will think I am not sick. I just feel like now that I am in 90s I am healthy…and I don’t like that. Even my brother said I look normal and not skeletal anymore. Even with just 4 lbs on me he thinks that…that scares me. I was hoping my eyes were lying and people couldn’t tell. Guess I was wrong.

I also don’t want to go into 90s without my dad. I am overwhelmed by how life is going on when his life ended. I feel like by me going on in recovery, being at higher weight than he got to see me since Feb…I am saying I am moving on too. That I don’t need him. And that’s not true.

I don’t know. I know this is short post..but I am just scared and confused. I feel like being in 90s and knowing I have to keep gaining…makes me feel I lost control. Fact I gained greater than lb again this week scares me as well. I feel like life is moving on so fast and I need it to stop. I need to catch my breath. And this weight gain isn’t helping. Tomorrow is Xmas..so I probably won’t lapse tom even if scary weight…but I can’t guarantee anything.

I just need life to stop. My life has. I lost my dad and feel my life has stopped…I know only his is one that ended…but I feel mine has too. I just need life to pause. I need to have time to catch up. Since I can’t do that..I can’t turn back time..I want to turn back something I can: my weight. But for tonight..I did what my dad would have wanted were he here. I pushed forward. I figure had he been alive I would have reached 90 during Thanksgiving week…so I am behind. So for tonight I chose recovery. Guess that can be xmas gift to my dad. 

1 comment:

  1. I didnt know your dad but I'm sure he would want you to be healthy and live a happy life! You can't do that until you accept the fact that you're going to gain weight. Gaining weight isn't losing control-- it's GAINING control over ED. You can do this, Jess!