I realized something talking to my stepmom today. I realized I lost my path. Not really lost it…just never really found it.
When I started recovery and had the burning passion in me to fight…it was when I had a vision that my life, my recovery, my story mattered. But somewhere along the way I lost that. I started to recover so I could be a good therapist. That didn’t work. So then I relapsed and tried to recover so I could run. That didn’t work. Relapse. On and on…I cycled through different motivations trying to find the glass slipper that fit: for my education, for Denver, to stay out of inpatient, for my dad, then for my dad’s memory. None of it fit. They kept me motivated for at most a good month…but when faced with the fear of weight gain…they weren’t enough.
You want to know why? Because I figured it out. The reason is. I will never recover until I do it for me. Until I realize once again that my story matters. That I matter. That my life is meant to be a light to others. That my recovery is meant to help others heal. That God put me on this earth for a purpose and it sure as heck wasn’t to live in an eating disorder. This thing is holding me back from my purpose. The misery of this disorder is keeping me from my destiny. It’s making my life nothing more than numbers…and its making it seem like it doesn’t matter. But it does.
My dad tried to speak this into me when he was alive and I would tell him I was “doing this for him.” He kept telling me I have to do it for myself. Well dad you were right. Because at the end of the day..I am all I have.
When ED is yelling in my ear to use a food scale, restrict a portion, skip a fear food…I am the only one there and the only one with the power to do the right thing. My dad isn’t there physically. My family isn’t there. My friends aren’t there. In those moments I could care less about my education, my future, having kids. In those moments not even making God proud can motivate me. I have to do it for me. Because I am all I have in those moments.
So it’s time I realize my life matters. That my life is meant to make an impact. Not my future life. Not my life when I am recovered. But my life now. No matter how disordered it may seem it is meant to make an impact. And every moment…every choice..it can either be a moment/choice to help free someone, or to keep me held captive and to keep hope from being released. If I choose ED I choose to say I have no purpose. That my life is nothing more than numbers. That I can’t make an impact. I choose to lie to myself. To spit on the face of everything my dad tried to instill in me. And I can’t do that. Not any more.
Instead every moment, every choice…I will choose the truth. I will choose to say I matter. My story matters. That moment matters. That moment has power. The power to set this captive free. The power to bring hope. The power to bring healing. The power to change lives. To save lives. I will choose to turn my back on ED.
And I may slip. I am human. But then I will have the choice to let the slip define me and run back to ED, or let the moment define me. The moment right there. The moment that has the choice for me to get back on track. To show I can get knocked down, but won’t stay there. The moment to show recovery isn’t perfect, but that’s what makes it beautiful. That life gets messy, but it’s in the mess we find meaning.
So this is my new take on recovery. My new fight. I’m not fighting for someone else. I’m not fighting for my future. I’m not fighting to escape my past. I am fighting for me..and the power of the moment.
And by the way. You matter too. Your moment matters too. You have a purpose. A beautiful purpose. You have lives you are going to impact. Lives you are impacting. Every choice you make has the potential to change someone's life. To change your life. To release hope. To release freedom. Claim your moment. Find your freedom. FIGHT!
P.s--I just put this into action as I pressed enter and at the same time dropped my bowl of soup. Instead of just eating the small amount left...I made a new bowl of soup and ate it all. Even though had already taken bites before spilled. This moment mattered.