Today is really the first day of peace for me since my dad died. It was the first day of Tues/Thurs classes and it was hard. I still wanted to call and talk to my dad. Tell him how the day was, how fun class was, how awesome my new professor was…but I couldn’t. Instead of getting down on that though..I called my mom. Instead of living in what parts of life I didn’t have…I clung on to what I did. And it felt good. And I could feel my dad smiling down on me.
I’m seeing it’s okay. I’m not replacing him. I don’t need to feel that way. What I am doing is accepting it sucks my dad died. It was a horrible thing and I didn’t deserve to lose my dad, Joanne didn’t deserve to lose her husband, the tennis team didn’t deserve to lose their captain, my stepsiblings their stepdad, my aunt and uncle their brother…but we did. We did lose his physical presence on earth…and that is just our reality. But we didn’t lose the lessons and love of my father. That’s here with his spirit too.
So I did what my dad would have wanted me to do. I marched on. I lived and experienced the moment. And I talked to him and to God. I told him how the day was and then I realized…he already knew. All the little miracles of the day he was a part of. It made me smile. I realized he is more a part of my life now than he was before. Before, I would get too busy to call or times would get messed up and we would miss each other’s calls or my phone would die. Things could get in the way. But now…now he is smiling down on me every moment and placing little miracles in my life.
So yes…life is different now. It’s not how I planned and it never will be. I will miss my dad. I will have to do things a little differently because he is not there. But I can still be happy. He would still want me to be happy. I can be happy and miss him too. He was happy but he missed his mom and dad. When he lost his job he was sad, but at the same time with us he was happy. Because he knew there was more to life, he knew he would see his parents again, and he knew life and truly living was so important. He put his purpose in life first and kept going step by step. That part of him is in me and will get me through this.
I am going to try and accept this is my reality. He isn’t coming back, but he also didn’t leave. His spirit is still here. His lessons are still here. And his love is still here in my stepmom and my family. There are still people physically here who love me. They won’t take his place, but they will help me get through even with a hole in my heart. My heart may never be whole again…not till I’m in heaven. But the love of others can help fill it up as much as is possible. But I have to let them love me. Just like I let my dad love me.
So today was a good day. Thank you Lord for the peace today and for me being at peace with the peace. I love you daddy and I miss you. Thank you for my little miracles today…they made me smile.