Thursday, January 29, 2015

Jan 29: Driven by Dream

Had big realization today and a big F***you to ED moment so decided to set aside time to write it so if my motivation gone tomorrow I have something to look back on.

Basically what happened today is same old fears kept up and got me scared and then started triggering my ED. Then I went to doctor…and my pulse was only 38….so I got an EKG and bloodwork. Then doc let me know my heart shows a potential blockage..whcih may or may not be life threatening…and all of this it got me scared, it got me to stop and think, and it woke me back up to recovery. Even moreso than before latest wane of motivation.

You see my dad died suddenly from a heart arrhythmia and I got scared maybe I could too. And the first thing I was scared about was not being able to become an ED therapist/nutritionist. Not fulfill what I feel is my calling.

That’s when reality hit. I realized I’ve been holding myself back from full recovery. Any time I do even a small behavior like a food ritual…it’s ED…and anytime I feed ED, I starve my chances of full recovery and my dream. AND any time I feed ED, I starve myself…and hurt my already hurt body. It’s not okay and it’s not fair and reality is only I CAN CHANGE IT.

If I am tired of all these doctors, if I want to avoid all these medical bills, if I want to freaking be free then I just start choosing freedom. The end. No questions. No excusable ED behaviors. No flaunting that I have stuck to a meal plan and calling that recovery. It's time to start making the hard choices, facing the food fears. I don't need a nutritionist to do it. I know how to do it. A nutritionist would just give me "permission." But I'm not a kid, I don't need permission, I just need to trust myself, trust God, and do what's right. 

While I was at gym I started to really think this all through and figure out what is holding me back and I came to a realization I have been avoiding. Part of me is holding me back from full recovery, facing fear foods and such, because in a way it’s moving on from my dad’s death. I know..this is going to sound absurd, but I think a small part of me wants to stay disordered while still doing meal plan because I have this weird hope my dad will send me to rehab again. But I have to face reality. He isn’t  here, he isn’t coming back, and holding back my recovery would only crush him. The best thing I can do to in a way bring him back to life is to fight for my life and my dream.

I know it sounds silly….to think a dead man would come back and send me to treatment, but he isn’t going to and actually it’s a good thing. Because the reason I want to be sent to treatment is so I don’t have to do the work. Treatment is easy. Treatment puts the weight on me so I can get back out in a healthy place and be left to relapse in peace without docs being scared. That’s what treatment has become for me. But reality is treatment isn’t an option right now. Financially, timewise, and dream wise. Because it won’t allow me to actually recover. I lost sight of that reality and of my original goal: to recover completely outpatient to prove it can be done and to use my story and experience, my sweat and tears, to help others.

So here is reality. Only I CAN SAVE ME. No one is going to sweep in and save me, I’m not going to be shipped off to treatment. NO! I am going to have to do the hard work, make the hard choices, and finally once and for all, choose recovery for me. EVERY DAY. EVERY MEAL. No matter the fear. I just have to do it. To choose life.  

Papers don’t just write themselves and people don’t just wake up recovered. It takes work. It takes choices. If I want normal life, it’s gonna mean pushing myself. Maybe some of my colleagues only have to overcome grad school to become therapist, I just have an extra course to complete…it’s called kick ED’s Ass Class, but with the strength of God I can and will do it.

If  I am scared to eat earlier I have to do it anyway. If I am craving a fear food, that is one I will do. When ED screams to workout more, I will leave gym. I will be open and honest with my team and recovery coach and lay it all out there (like I have been doing) and take and implement whatever they tell me. This is how I am going to recover, this is how I am going to live, and this is the ONLY way my dream will come true. If I DO IT.

I honestly think this is why my dad didn’t send me to rehab again my senior year of college. He knew it wasn’t working and knew I would have to do this the slow, long, hard way outpatient as much as he wished he could get me a quick fix. And it was hard for him to watch as I started to do that and dealt with all the emotions. But he knew I could do it. Now I must take the torch he bore and believe in myself, knowing I can do it.

Because I can’t keep going the way I am. I can’t be driven by fear anymore. I am ready to be driven by my dream.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

WIAW: My MLK day Freedom

So here is the re-cap from MLK day.Sorry it's so late, been busy. Was written on MLK Day though. 

Jan 19, 2015

Well today didn’t go quite as planned, but I did eat earlier. Basically the all-powerful scale to which I am a slave got me in a very bad place today and I was exhausted from eating late so many nights now. So..basically I didn’t want to eat. I was also quite full, but this could be emotional fullness.

It was honestly scary. It was the closest I have been to relapse since Feb after my dad passed…basically the last time I decided to relapse. It was crazy. And scary. And I hated it. But this time..I couldn’t shake it. It was like being in residential/inpatient again. I knew I had to and needed to eat, but I just couldn’t bring the want to. The problem is outpatient…no one is there to force you.

It did take me till 7 pm, but finally…I came to. I decided I needed to trust God. I decided I needed to be a good example to others. What am I going to tell my future clients. Yes, I was in that circumstance after a scary weigh-in where I didn’t want to eat and I chose not to eat. Yeah…I THINK NOT! So I started eating. And my recovery coach made me take pics…so here you all go! Thanks Jenn for hosting! 

7pm: Lunch and “b-fast” (I don’t really have a full b-fast due to tummy issues and split it into English muffin and prunes and my later oatmeal snack). This was actually a new thing because I ate extra large portion of broccoli as 2 starches because body just wanted it.

11 pm: Dinner. I will admit I could have eaten this sooner, but I let fear and my “need” to finish school work get in the way. But still…eating by 11pm was HUGE improvement. Also, these were scary choices because of the large portions, but the non-scary thing. …accidentally heated my apple slices…which was DELICIOUS.

12 AM: So it was straight into oatmeal snack I went! Working on banana portion sorry guys. Oh and TMI ALERT
Without taking anything I went poo twice….it was crazy. Usually can’t even go once without my meds. Maybe there is something to this timing

1 AM: Final snack, later than wanted, but reason was good. IT was because I convinced myself after cooking a skimped portion of egg whites to get the full portion I needed. Also, I decided to go with scarier PB and it was deliciousness. Heated up apples again as well. We are working on apple portions too, but baby steps. Honestly…finished feeling proud and not stuffed. Still thinking about scale, but also thinking about this success. Not as early as wanted, but 2 hours earlier than have been. So I call it progress….now for tomorrow…12 AM!

P.S.: To let you all know....I have continued to eat earlier and felt so much better. All until today. Due to flare up of my autoimmune was unable to eat till late, almost lost consciousness, and been up late eating. Didn't want to finish plan but force way through. Oh...and weight did correct does every single time. Very sick, very tired, going to bed. Scared and would love prayers. Had fatigue, nauseau, no appetite, and almost fainted. Not sure what going on. 

Monday, January 19, 2015

Fear of Succeeding at Dream (MLK SPECIAL PART 1)

This is part one of my MLK Day journey. Wish me luck 

Today faced reality that tomorrow is my first real day off. No work, no school, nothing I HAVE to do. Day completely free. Sure have the gym, catch up on homework, may clean apartment, and going to maybe go to tennis match with roomies…but nothing I MUST do. And I am TERRIFIED. Why? Because it means I am set-up for success with the meal timing I have been trying to correct. No workouts, classes, jobs, internship…anything to get in way…other than myself and my fears. So if I succeed, it’s because of me, and if I fail…again it’s because of me. And honestly…the success scares me.

It scares me to be successful at new way of life and to potentially unlock door to new future. It scares me that I may fix meal timing and my fear of night hunger will be there glaring me in the face. And this brought me to wonder why I fear night hunger so much. I realized it’s because if I am hungry, and I’ve eaten all my plan…it means I really am in some way still restricting. That my body needs more. And that potential scares me.

I don’t have a N telling me what to eat. My therapist is gone for two weeks. So it will just be me, my
hunger, and my realization I need more and I don’t know what to do. “Normal” people would just be able to eat more, but me…I am just too scared. And then facing the reality I don’t want to eat more forces me to face the reality ED still has some control over me. Sure I eat my meal plan and have been for almost a year now….which is a HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT, but I have let some behaviors creep in that in some way I guess could be micro-restrictions. And it frustrates me. And I am scared to be frustrated with myself. I am scared to face head on the reality I still have quite a long ways to go and have barely made any steps forward. And to me..somehow…night hunger will make me face all that.

Yet here I fear something that may not even happen. I might be fully satisfied and better timing just allow me the sleep I desperately need. Either way…I have to do it. Because staying up till 1, 2, or sometimes even 3 am just to get in nourishment body's just not fair to myself or my body. I have to fix it. I just do. 

And hey, what better day than MLK  day. A celebration of freedom despite insurmountable odds and obstacles. A day I used to spend with my dad celebrating his b-day. A day I can say “I have a dream…” and begin to make that dream a reality. Night all, wish me luck tomorrow.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Happy B-day Dad

No time for long post, but today (Jan 15th) was dad's b-day. It's been a long hard day, but I celebrated like would have if he was alive...with a dessert. First "real" dessert since summer and first cookie in almost two years. It's Arctic zero with Walmart PB cookie and a Vitabrownie. Real PB cookie (btw these are super soft and so good!!! Never had before. Pop in microwave for 30 seconds and they are DIVINE...snuck two extra too to save for later... THANKS ROOMIES!!!!)

Also the normal banana, yogurt, and PB (chocolate edition), and added some cocoa! Know dad would be proud and man...I feel good!!!

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Beaten Down by a Blessing?

Crazy night tonight! God blessed me yet again. I went Seveir Heights with my new roomies. I honestly didn’t feel that good going. Was tired, tummy hurt, and was feeling down as tomorrow is dad’s b-day and miss him terribly, but I went. I also gave up a serving shift for tomorrow to spend time with roomies, something would never do before, but felt God telling me it was okay and He would provide.

So we get to church and first we win free t-shirts! Then a person I was supposed to meet up with to discuss small groups happened to be interviewing people and asked if she could interview me. I said sure, I mean why not. Then she dropped a question on me I didn’t have answer to: “If the Walk could get you one thing to help get you through this semester what would it be?” I honestly had no idea…and it took me three tries to get honest:

(1) Pillow pet: me trying to be funny, but something in me didn’t feel right about this answer and so I decided to give a more practical answer
(2) Money for groceries: figure this is something I struggle with and something I need and “normal” to ask for
(3) Labtop: honestly…I asked for this because I started to wonder if they were really going to get the items and if they were….then I really did need a labtop, because come the end of this semester I lose my work one. But there was no way it was going to happen.

Service was amazing and moving and then they said they had some interviews to show. Out of the 20 some odd who got interviewed, I was one of 4 interviews shown. It was the clip about the groceries. The 4 of us were then called on stage and told they got what we asked for. I was excited, but also a little let down. The Lord had already been showing me that He always makes a way for my groceries and I felt bad for trying to come across more “needy” than I am and not straight asking for what I needed: a labtop.

Then the surprise of my life. They didn’t get me groceries. No….they got me a $400 gift card to Walmart. It fit with the grocery idea for them, but would allow me to get a labtop. And that way I  could choose it. They also blessed someone with plane tickets, an IPad, doughnuts and corndogs (yes someone asked for that). I was blown away and still am.

Part of me feels guilty. I mean if I had an inkling they might actually get something and that’s why I asked for labtop was that selfish? I mean I am sure there are people in more need of me and definitely people more deserving. I really am struggling with this. I feel bad now for asking. I mean I have a working work labtop right now I am blessed with….and my old one…why do I need another. Guess I need to learn to accept when the Lord blesses me and not question it.

The craziest thing to is the timing.With my dad’s b-day being tomorrow and all. This whole week in my prayer time the Lord has put the word expectant on my heart and told me to expect provision and blessings around my dad’s b-day. Well here it is. I am just in shock and awe.

Part of me is scared too though, because here I have had this huge public blessing. What if I have needs/prayer requests in future. It would be selfish and greedy for me to ask now that I have been so blessed. Guess will just have to ever raise them to God.

Gave the gift card to my roomeis because knew if I didn’t I would go spend it on groceries for the semester instead of on a labtop. But instead I am going to trust in God to provide groceries and try to learn to accept His gift of a labtop.

Why do I feel fear, guilt, and shame. Why can’t I be normal and feel excitement? Why do the scars of my past eating disorder still haunt me as this self-defeat and shame? Why do I feel bad for asking for a need? I also heard some whispers about the way I look that didn’t help, but why does my mind hand onto that instead of the provision? Why do I feel selfish or in any way think I did this and thus have anything to be guilty about?

 I had no way of orchestrating that the person I needed to talk to and had never met happened to be doing these interviews. I would have never done the interview otherwise. I just need to accept that it was completely out of my control and it happened. Someone help me with these ideas….

Perhaps this is my issue below: 

I feel like I shouldn't get this because I am not enough in need and don't feel I deserve it. I feel thinking I deserved it is selfish. But really, it's an issue of worth. I don't feel I am worthy of it. I can make 5,000 reasons why it was "wrong" of me to get this. And now I feel bad for feeling bad...o geez.