Saturday, February 21, 2015

Some nights you just say FUCK it

02/20/15  Just say Fuck IT

Some days in recovery you just have to say fuck it. No not fuck it to recovery, but fuck it to ED. To
trying to counter thoughts. To trying to deal with emotion. You just have to say. Yes I’m scared, but I’m just gonna do it and ED I will deal with you later. Tonight is one of those nights.

Surprise snowstorm left me in restaurant close to 1 AM. Dangerous drive home put dinner and two snacks not till 1:30 AM. Nothing in me wanted to eat. It’s been a bad day for other reasons don’t want to get into. I also have AM shift tomorrow. And ED was yelling out the wazoo. I just wanted to go to sleep. But I was also cranked on energy like always am after shift. But eating all my food this late…it just made no sense.

None of my support system was still up (i.e. trainer, parents, fellow victors of ED). IT was just me, my food, and a decision. Everything was swirling in my head and all I knew was eating was the only clear right recovery thing. Yes, I could justify restricting because its so late and I will weigh tomorrow because I am not ready not to. Heck..people in my support may have even said it would be okay given the situation. But in my heart, I knew I could push. I knew I could finish. I just needed the fear to go away,

And it wasn’t budging. I didn’t have time to sit back and try and make it budge either. So I looked fear in the face. Said Fuck you, stuck my middle finger up, and ate. It’s like drinking tea with your pinky up to be polite in France….except there is no politeness. Just determination to stick it to the monster that has ruled me so long.

Tonight ED can’t have me, fear can’t have me. Only God can have me. Only God can carry me through. God is my only support awake right now and God says I can and will do this. God says I can eat. God says He made time and He made me. He didn’t make time to justify me not eating. God says I am a beautiful creation made to do His work and I can’t if I am not fueled. And if I don’t eat, I risk passing out at work tomorrow or worse. Plus, I just remembered Sunday be 1 whole year on a meal plan. Something docs told me I would never be able to do. Not throwing it away now.

So fuck you fear, fuck you ED. I’m eating, I’m recovering, and I’m trusting the one thing that never let me down: God.