“Part of me says wait one more day to start back on plan. But what does that prove. Feel if I get back on plan today will reclaim victory from the crash. Be happier all around. And stick it to ED. If wait...then me getting back on plan is still ED in control. Maybe I should just do this?”
“Okay I decided...Tired of beating self up. It's time. Time to reclaim victory. Time to claim this wakeup call. Yes I messed up. Yes I've continued to mess up and wallow in guilt past few days. But today is new day and today can start all my tomorrows. And you know what...will probably mess up again...but that's okay. Life happens, mistakes happen, and God loves us anyway.”
Well, it happened. AS you see in my first post of the day above, I decided to choose today to put my money where my mouth is. To claim this wreck as a victory, not a tragedy. To cherish and truly live in the 2nd lease on life I have been given. And it’s been hard, it’s been terrifying, but boy do I feel amazing (emotionally at least, stomach and ribs are hurting).
I just knew it was the right and only thing to do. I mean I was even happy I was above my lowest weight, because it allowed me to truly claim this for God. I mean if waited till hit the weight I saw fit, would still just be ED driving me. If was back at lowest, still be ED yet again. But this way, by choosing despite the weight to start today, I really am claiming victory. I am choosing to use this wreck to save my life, not ruin it. I’m choosing to honor my dad. I’m choosing to recover. I’m choosing life. I’m choosing me.
And the thoughts have still been there. The Enemy has snuck in quite a few times and tried to tell me the wreck was all my fault. That I’m an idiot…etc,etc,etc. But this time. Instead of engaging, instead of even countering these thoughts, I just said: “That’s not from God. So I won’t listen.” OMG! Instant peace. It really was that simple. Sure, I had to practice this about once every 5 seconds at first it seemed, but slowly the thoughts went away.
And I really enjoyed the day. Went to gym and let myself take it easy as ribs were in pain. Talked with an amazing friend from freshmen year while enjoyed the outdoors. And even cooked something up for my dear roomie. I really, trully feel free, alive, and happy. First time since crash...actually first time in long time felt this free. Even before crash felt was in tail spin, now I felt I am shaking my tail feathers and learning to fly.
Of course right after I write this stomach and nausea decide to wreak havoc on my life. Right in time for dinner. I really, really don’t want to do this. With dinner and two snacks left, I have every excuse to back out now. But yet, I don’t want to not do it. Gonna take it slow, bite by bite, and do this for you all. For the people I want to inspire. Gonna push through for others because right now in too much pain to do it for myself.
UPDATE: I finished! Thanks to God I finished whole plan. And guess what...the dinner and snack I had....EXACTLY what planned the night of the crash. So really am taking back the night!