Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Blessings in Disguise

Well Roomie laid it on me, well that's how I take it anyway. Here I was thinking my late night eating was my dirty little secret. Little thing I got away with without affecting anyone. My own little rebellion I guess. Something uniquely mine. Just for me.

All that came crashing down when roomie lashed out at me about it. Made me feel selfish and rude. Said she hadn’t had a good night sleep since moved in with me. Seemed I was disturbed, abnormal, disgusting. I should know without her stating that someone eating at 3 AM would disturb her. I then established a 1 AM curfew for my kitchen use, hoping things get better. I was scared. Cornered. Judged. I freaked out to say the least.

Yes, I should be working towards eating earlier,but to leap from 4 AM to 1 AM when I have OCD, PTSD insomnia which reason I’m awake, and ED….it was too much. I felt angry, hurt, disgust, shame…everything and mind was spinning.

Finally I had to be assertive. I had to tell her I could work way to 1 AM but at this point I couldn’t leap to it. She doesn’t know about my ED and I don’t care to tell her. This angered her as she and made me feel even worse of my abnormality,disgusting behavior. Almost making me out to be a beast it seemed.

I felt my mind wandering down the rabbit hole of self-condemnation. Disgust. Shame. And a desire to use this as an excuse to give up and restrict. At least to appease her and eat earlier. But I stopped. Instead of looking at all the negatives and cluing to the anger, I accepted my responsibility. Eating later was something I wanted to change and this provided me an extrinsic motivation which was something I needed. I am a people pleaser and doing this for someone else was great motivation to keep me from slipping into delaying it over and over (as I have been for past weeks).

So that is how I am trying to look at it. What seems completely negative may be blessing in disguise. Choosing not to focus on the things said or how I feel about it. Instead going to look at it as motivator and a concrete time to aim at being done eating by. I wanted a good motivator and I wanted a concrete time and she gave it to me without knowing. So while it may be scary to actually have a reason to move to change, perhaps it won’t be so bad. Plus, in the end, I’m stuck here till May. So either I appease her and help myself, or I act passive aggressive, keep doing things way they are, and hurt myself in some weird way to hurt her. Who knows? Maybe with this out of the way we can connect.

She never has to know she is helping me….but she still can. That is how I am going to look at this and what I am going to do. Already helped me tonight to eat earlier and to not overcook things. Fingers crossed….maybe this was God’s only way to get me to snap out of it.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

New Recovery, New Blog, New Me

Think this is going to be a start to a new approach at life, and a new better me. In fact, I’m starting fresh with a new blog which, once I get it set up, I will link here. Anyway, had heart-to-heart with therapist today after had another anxiety attack and decided new approach needs to be taken.

I’ve realized a big root of my issues is a lack of trust in myself. Can’t choose what to eat because don’t trust self. Scared of foods because don’t trust body. Scared of relationship because don’t trust decision. This is why every time an opportunity to make a recovery decision comes I freak out. Because as much as I know it’s right thing to do, I don’t trust myself to do it. So I send out text after text to people who will tell me exactly what I want to hear. I wait to hear from them so I can get their approval and not have to take responsibility, because I feel if it’s my decision it won’t be right.

For example, today out of nowhere I got a cupcake. One with PB buttercream icing. Yes, I’ve been facing fear of cupcakes recently and discovered I actually don’t gain weight from eating them, but this one was different. It was PB buttercream icing and thus higher calorie and thus must be made up for by restricting a meal. That’s what ED was saying. But I didn’t want to listen to ED. I wanted to listen to me. To that little girl in me saying: “Can we please see if there is a different way of life.” That part of me with longing and hope that maybe I can eat freely. Just eat cupcake as snack and not gain.

And so my mind began to spin and the texting began. I needed someone, anyone to tell me it was possible to do right thing and just eat cupcake as snack. I couldn’t trust myself to say it. I needed someone to order me to do it. It’s crazy. This is the exact aspect of residential/inpatient I hate and yet find so comforting. I love IP/resi because someone else tells you what to do, taking all responsibility away from you. Yet this is exact thing that keeps me stuck. Not taking responsibility and choosing the right thing because I know it’s right or want to do it.

Finally my therapist called me. And she laid it to me straight. I needed to get out of these mental
tailspins either by going to higher level of care where decisions are made for me. Or by choosing scarier option always. No questions. No trying to logic way out of anxiety. Choosing anxious option and learning to cope with anxiety. Period.

So that’s what I am doing. Tonight, without an order from anyone but myself, I am doing the scarier. I am doing scary cupcake and counting it as just a snack. And you know what. As soon as commited to that, exact opposite of what ED said would happen happened. I didn’t get more anxious. No. I got more excited, more proud, more hopeful for a new life. The cupcake became victory not slavery and I felt free.

That’s why my new blog is called: Finding I’m Free. Because God has set me free. He has given me the strength to choose what’s right and He will help me trust myself. Trust His strength within me. Trust my spirit. And find, decision by decision, bite by bite, step by step that I am free.  

I’m going to take it one decision at a time. One moment at a time. One risk at a time. If I want life to be different I need to start living different. If I want to be able to choose recovery then that’s what I need to do. To make decisions myself and reach out to others to support, not make, my decisions. It’s time to take life and recovery by the horns. To ride out this crazy ride called life and be free. I deserve it. And I’m going to fight. Fight the fear and find I’m free.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Happily Never After?

Well date didn’t go so good and first reaction of course was to restrict. Mind raced to how this would mean I was never getting married, never going to achieve life I wanted and I guess somehow I deserved to be punished. But then I stopped. I stopped and I thought.

Reality….I didn’t really feel it either. He wasn’t at all like the guy I text and honestly physical attraction wasn’t there either. I mean it was nice to feel happy and feel like I was cared for and I think it is more the loss of that that hurt. But it doesn’t mean I need to restrict. It doesn’t mean I am a bad person. It doesn’t mean I will never be married.

It just means we weren’t right. I guess I am just impatient. I feel I am fighting so hard for recovery and I just want the pay off now. I want the dream I see in my mind of a normal life now. I hate this waiting and having to go on dates. I just want the ring, the marriage, the white picket fence (or in my case cozy cottage ) right now. I am scared with each relationship that ends it means I did something wrong and will never be in relationship which is what I want.

I guess that’s why I am scared to journal about what I want recovery to look like, because I honestly don’t feel it will ever come true and don’t want to put it down on paper and fail. But I see benefit to it and in fact…gonna go work on it now.

First though, time to do my meal plan, not let a date determine my life, accept it didn’t go well and move on. I won’t lie. Mind still tossing and turning and I still hear voice in my head saying I will never be good enough for anyone to get married to. Or “normal” enough. But I am just going to let those thoughts stay till can process in therapy tomorrow and do the next right thing.