Well I was in shock and awe when I weighed this morning. All
of that fear yesterday, all of the anxiety….and my weight was DOWN this
morning. Cupcake and all it was down. And you know what….this was one time
where I didn’t have to say to myself: “Man I wish I didn’t let the fear
thoughts rob me so much yesterday.” Because on my b-day I did something
different. I felt the fear, I acknowledged it, and I just let it go. Instead of
buying into and trying to counter all my fears about weight gain, etc. I just told
myself. Yes…it’s possible I will gain. It’s also possible I won’t. I can choose
which possibility I want to give more time to. And I did…I chose the later. And
it allowed me to enjoy my birthday, my cupcake, and changed the fear to
excitement.
Today, on the other hand…I learned what happens when fear
gets to run free. You see, I woke up with stomach all kinds of upset (likely
from cupcake) but then later on in day wanting to try another cupcake. And this
time have it as I wanted to have it…as simply a snack, not a meal and snack
(granted its my 350 calorie plus dairy/fruit/PB snack). This terrified me and
ED began to tell me how weight was only down because overcounted and replaced
meal and snack yesterday with the cupcake. Instead of listening and letting
this fear go, I clung to it. I tried to battle it…and by doing that, it only
increased.
It engulfed me like a wildfire. ED had a hold and he wasn’t
letting go. He went on to tell me a new fear: weight was only down because
cupcake hadn’t hit my system yet. So really, if I just waited for tomorrow, I
would see. Weight would be up, ED would be right, and I would see I can’t eat
desserts. Now surely if this was the case I couldn’t do cupcake today. Again, I
tried to counter instead of release this fear and ED had his claws in deeper.
From here it became.
This is unhealthy and will cause you to become a binge eater. You can’t
eat dessert two days in a row. If you do you will never be able to stop, will
have dessert every day, will gain weight, and become obese. So what had started
as a small, dismissable thought, had evolved into a fear rampaging my future.
Not only that, but once I let the spirit of fear seep over
me it seeped into other aspects of my life. Suddenly the peace I had around
school work become fear around failing again. Or around not having time to
finish assignments.
And then the worst of my fears came…and I am sad to say I
think it ruined a relationship I cherished
. My fear of inadequacy and people
leaving me. I have started a new relationship and it was really blossoming. But
I let this fear take over and I learned not only can fear ravage and spiral,
but it also can become self-fulfilling. I was so so scared he would find out
about ED that somehow in trying to hide ED, I talked about food way too much
and he started to question how much I ate. I know weird questions right. Then I
let my fear he would see the true me, the flawed, imperfect side of me, deem me
too much, and leave. So I started to panic and text him way too much. And behave
in the exact way to get him to back away…and at end of the night he did. And I
am scared it’s done for good.
I didn’t even realize all this till went to gym and a guy
hit on me and I didn’t have this fear of being left in my head and we ended up
hitting it off. Even exchanging numbers. This is when I realized my great
interaction with the new guy yesterday filled me with the same joy as
interacting with the guy at the gym. You know what was missing in both these
scenarios: fear.
So fear related to the cupcake (Which I did go out and get
and am going to enjoy tonight despite fear) has led me to dread instead of be
excited about havin another cupcake. Fear of class is making me dread and
dislike course work and even avoid it. And fear of relationship led me to feel
guilty and worthless in my interactions.
On the other hand, yesterday on my b-day when I let the fear
go. Acknowledged but didn’t engage it…I felt joy. I felt love. I felt
excitement. I felt expectancy. I believed for the potential of the best
outcome…and I was happy. Truly happy. I was me again. So today I have learned a
big thing I no longer want in my life: fear. I have learned what the scripture
about love and fear really means. “Perfect love casts out all fear.” And it’s
so true. When I didn’t have fear I was full of love, light, joy. But I think
this goes the other way too..Fear casts out perfect love. Because today I
wasted so many precious, amazing moments tormented by fear.
Still, I have ended up on top. Because I have this cupcake,
I am releasing the fear, and I am trusting the Lord. Fear is just too draining.
And with this relationship…I am not sure what will come or if damage can be
undone, but I am sure I will learn from it and enter the next relationship or
next interaction in this relationship differently. I am tired of clinging to
what could go wrong and all the fear around that, and instead want to approach
challenges, life, and relationships with an open mind to all that could go
right.
Cupcake: I could see that I don’t gain and be able to have
one every week
ClasseS: could be most amazing semester full of growth and
repaired relationship
Relationship: could end up being most amazing, God-filled
relationship and be person I marry.
See when I put that as my focus I already feel lighter and
happier. Figure it’s worth a shot. Choosing to trust in perfect love and
choosing to cast out all fear. One moment, one breath, one step (and bite) at a
time (pics of cupcakes to come).