Found my power

I realized something talking to my stepmom today. I realized I lost my path. Not really lost it…just never really found it.

When I started recovery and had the burning passion in me to fight…it was when I had a vision that my life, my recovery, my story mattered. But somewhere along the way I lost that. I started to recover so I could be a good therapist. That didn’t work. So then I relapsed and tried to recover so I could run. That didn’t work. Relapse. On and on…I cycled through different motivations trying to find the glass slipper that fit: for my education, for Denver, to stay out of inpatient, for my dad, then for my dad’s memory. None of it fit. They kept me motivated for at most a good month…but when faced with the fear of weight gain…they weren’t enough.

You want to know why? Because I figured it out. The reason is. I will never recover until I do it for me. Until I realize once again that my story matters. That I matter. That my life is meant to be a light to others. That my recovery is meant to help others heal. That God put me on this earth for a purpose and it sure as heck wasn’t to live in an eating disorder. This thing is holding me back from my purpose. The misery of this disorder is keeping me from my destiny. It’s making my life nothing more than numbers…and its making it seem like it doesn’t matter. But it does.

My dad tried to speak this into me when he was alive and I would tell him I was “doing this for him.” He kept telling me I have to do it for myself. Well dad you were right. Because at the end of the day..I am all I have.

When ED is yelling in my ear to use a food scale, restrict a portion, skip a fear food…I am the only one there and the only one with the power to do the right thing. My dad isn’t there physically. My family isn’t there. My friends aren’t there. In those moments I could care less about my education, my future, having kids. In those moments not even making God proud can motivate me. I have to do it for me. Because I am all I have in those moments.

So it’s time I realize my life matters. That my life is meant to make an impact. Not my future life. Not my life when I am recovered. But my life now. No matter how disordered it may seem it is meant to make an impact. And every moment…every choice..it can either be a moment/choice to help free someone, or to keep me held captive and to keep hope from being released. If I choose ED I choose to say I have no purpose. That my life is nothing more than numbers. That I can’t make an impact. I choose to lie to myself. To spit on the face of everything my dad tried to instill in me. And I can’t do that. Not any more.

Instead every moment, every choice…I will choose the truth. I will choose to say I matter. My story matters. That moment matters. That moment has power. The power to set this captive free. The power to bring hope. The power to bring healing. The power to change lives. To save lives. I will choose to turn my back on ED.

And I may slip. I am human. But then I will have the choice to let the slip define me and run back to ED, or let the moment define me. The moment right there. The moment that has the choice for me to get back on track. To show I can get knocked down, but won’t stay there. The moment to show recovery isn’t perfect, but that’s what makes it beautiful. That life gets messy, but it’s in the mess we find meaning.

So this is my new take on recovery. My new fight. I’m not fighting for someone else. I’m not fighting for my future. I’m not fighting to escape my past. I am fighting for me..and the power of the moment. 

And by the way. You matter too. Your moment matters too. You have a purpose. A beautiful purpose. You have lives you are going to impact. Lives you are impacting. Every choice you make has the potential to change someone's life. To change your life. To release hope. To release freedom. Claim your moment. Find your freedom. FIGHT!

P.s--I just put this into action as I pressed enter and at the same time dropped my bowl of soup. Instead of just eating the small amount left...I made a new bowl of soup and ate it all. Even though had already taken bites before spilled. This moment mattered. 

ED proven wrong..again..

So I did all those fears yesterday. I ate the baked potato, fought through pain and bloating, did my meal plan, ate freedom foods galore and I was scared. Beyond scared. I can’t even tell you all the names ED was calling me last night. The angry, horrible things he was whispering in my ear as I tried to fall asleep. I cried out to the Lord. Literally, sobbing, crying…just asking for peace. And I fell asleep.

I woke up in sheer panic because I knew I had to take the march ED makes me take every morning. The march to the scale. This is one thing that will be going when I get back fully into recovery. But for now..I still took the march. As much as I didn’t want to believe the horrible things ED was telling me, as much as I woke up and for the first time in forever felt small and thin….I kept believing what ED was saying. That I had gained a ton overnight, that I was huge, that I was disgusting for eating last night. And I marched to the scale….ready for him to be right. I prayed to God before. I prayed that he let me cope with the huge gain I was about to be greeted with.

I stepped on the scale shaking with fear. I clenched my eyes tight while keeping them wide enough to see the numbers…the numbers that were…DOWN? What? Could it be! My mind exploded, heart exploded….excitement took me over. The pride I longed for last night. I had done the right thing and ED was wrong? Could it be!

I stepped on the scale over and over and the same lower number flashed on the screen. It was the most freeing amazing experience. Sure…ED kept yelling at me today…but I did something I haven’t done before…not even when the numbers go down. I told ED he was wrong. I said to him “You were wrong last night. You have been wrong before. I am choosing to trust whatever my N says. I am choosing to trust the guidelines she set. They were right last night and I want to see them be right again.”

So for today when ED yelled I couldn’t eat oatmeal as one starch because of the high calories that would make me gain I told him he said the same about the potato last night and was wrong. I told him I was going to listen to my N and count it right. I ate oatmeal as one starch.

When ED said I couldn’t eat dinner early because I was too full and shouldn’t eat it at all with how full and lazy I was I told him he said the same thing last night and again was wrong. I ate dinner early and even enjoyed it.

When ED said I should restrict my topping on bagel because I had gum, I told him he said the same thing yesterday with bagel topping and was wrong. I told him gum didn’t count because N says didn’t count and I ate right topping.

When ED said I couldn’t eat a Cutie instead of a pear because more calories I told him all fruits are equal and I told him he said the same thing as to why I couldn’t eat fiber tortilla day before vs corn tortilla and was wrong. I ate the Cutie and didn’t even tear it like ED wanted.

So here is to believing in something other than ED. Letting the facts be used against ED instead of to support him. I have trusted him my whole life. Trusted him for comfort, peace, and even sometimes weight loss that never came. I never was happy. I never felt thin. I was just miserable.

Last night I trusted God, my N, my friends….and they turned out right. And tonight..tonight I am trusting them again. It’s time to give Truth a chance. 

Happy Celebration of Life Day

My phone let me know this morning it was Celebration of Life Day...so what did I do to celebrate life today:

• I did two blog post even that mind told me nobody would care
• My weight was not what I wanted, but I didn't drop more exchanges
• I gave up things I wanted to do in order to help someone else. 
• I ate a baked potato. I got two...weighed them...ED wanted smaller one to "save" calories especially since still not back on full plan. I went with bigger one. He said that was fine if I cut it to in-between size. I didn't cut it. I told myself about the potassium it provided not the calories. 
• I ate bagel I wanted despite being higher calorie. 
• I honored my dad by choosing bagel wanted and doing bigger potato. 
• I had every excuse to not eat. Stomach issues from meds make it physically painful to eat. Timing got off due to unforseen circumstances. Wt wasn't where I wanted. But I chose life...for today I chose life..I chose to eat what I had planned. Just like my dad always told me to do and in order to celebrate life. My dad's life, my friends supporting me lives...and my life. 

So today...I chose life..I celebrated life. And these tummy issues....hopefully they will be ending. Apparently I am having allergic reaction to the medication that was supposed to solve it and it's only made things worse. Today involved face swelling, choking feeling, nausea, loss appetite, and fullness. So doc called it quits. Prayers appreciated. 

And do I feel proud. Slightly. But honestly I feel scared, disgusted, guilty. But in my heart I know I did the right thing. I know I chose life. I know if my dad was here and I called him to tell him he would have given me the "That a girl" I needed. So right now it sucks....but it's okay....I know it was right thing to do and sometimes that is what has to get you through. So whatever you did today to celebrate life. I am proud of you...you did the right thing...and you are AMAZING!

If you didn't know it was Celebration of Life Day...just celebrate tomorrow :) How will you celebrate life? Comment below :) 

FREEDOM!!! The Truth is key!

I actually wrote this on Jan 21^st, but I am trying a delayed post thing…so you all will either get a double dose, or this will work and not post till tomorrow (the 22^nd). Either way, this has been awesome! I went to a class taught by my nutritionist and I think I have found something that will help me when I dive back into recovery. I am armed with facts and education. Things I can use to combat ED when he is screaming.

So these are all around behaviors I hate to do but that ED makes me do. Basically he uses the same argument all the time. If you don’t do this you will get more calories and gain even faster than you already are. And you know what. He’s right. I will be getting more calories. Now I don’t know about gaining more rapidly, but once I get back in recovery the goal will be weight gain.

So yes, I will gain weight. But guess what? I will be free. And guess what else. My metabolism, fueled by the added wood (food) added to the fire (the metabolism) will speed up and then I will eat this amount, stop gaining, and have to get an increase. And then ED won’t be able to yell and I will be completely free. Worth a little gain? I think so.

So here we go and I hope it helps you all too. I broke it up based off the food group because I struggle with aspects for all of them. In the end though I now see the power in food and something crucial. Doing these things will mean more calories but also more freedom. My metabolism will adjust to more calories and I will maintain on my meal plan and need more as my N says. Therefore I can deal with the more calories. My life won’t adjust to all the sudden give me more freedom though or make this less scary. So I HAVE TO do this. My metabolism will adjust on its own…but ED’s control..it will only move if I shove ED over by doing the next right thing.

Frut/Veg

You have no need to weigh fruit, you can just freely cut it. Count an apple as an apple, banana as banana…no weight needed.

You don’t need to restrict or weigh your veggies. Why?

Fruits and veggies are both amazing sources of vitamins, including antioxidants A, D, and E which are amazing to help you beat cancer. The more fruit/veg, the more vitamins and stronger your body is to fight cancer! They also have flavonoids which reduce the risk of heart disease and cancer!

You have no need to fear fruits and veggies. Why?

You only fear them because of higher calories, but the ones you fear are usually amazing sources of phytochemicals.  Need proof?

Broccolli: carotenoids (antioxidants prevent cancer), suforaphane and dithiolthiones (block    carcinogen damage)

Tomatoes, carrots: carotenoids again!

Grapes, prunes, other fruits: Caffeic acid (excretes carcinogens), ferulic acid (removes nitrates)

So don’t fear these foods…just find out why they are so good and what they provide and be happy they are protecting you!

Proteins

You don’t have to cut your protein to exactly 3 oz when your serving is 3-4 oz. You don’t have to restrict tuna or make sure it’s a divet in the ½ cup bowl. Why? Protein is super important. It provides essential amino acids that your body has to get from the diet. More protein means more amino acids! It provides building materials for everything in body. Its needed for transportation in body. And lastly…you put so much work into cycling class but to repair and grow those muscles and other tissues you have to have protein! SO if you weigh your fish and its 3.5 oz heck even if it’s 4 oz don’t get scared instead celebrate all the extra benefits you get.

Carbohydrates

You don’t need to eat fiber one or other high-fiber items. Why?

You already eat a plant-based diet with fruits and veggies. You get NATURAL fiber no need for extra. Also, you don’t need high fiber. High fiber might be needed if you have high cholesterol issues, but you don’t because you are afraid of animal-based fats and thus don’t get them in your diet. So no worries for cholesterol and no worries for fiber.

You don’t need to be scared of carbs that are higher cal or need to eat lower-carb/diet items.  You don’t have to weigh your carbs or spill them to leave behind a few peas. Why?

More calories means more nutrients and carbs..they are power packed! Carbohydrates are source of immediate energy through glucose (who needs energy drinks..I got carbs!) and reserved energy through glycogen for my workouts and just those long days. Not only that, but carbs are the brains preferred fuel source. You need 130g carbs minimum just for brain to function! So yes..you may get slightly more cals…probably insignificant…but what is significant is all the energy and freedom you will get too!

You don’t need to weigh your bagels or tear them to perfect size. Why? Sure it may have slightly more calories, but may have slightly less. In the end it all balances out and if it is a larger bagel just means more nutrients and more of the benefits seen above. More energy, better brain function, more reserves so you can keep kicking ass!

You don’t need to fear or avoid beans. Why? Beans are awesome and not only provide benefits of proteins, carbs, and fiber but also have several phytochemicals that fight cancer! Think I’m lying..nope. Protease inhibitors slow tumor growth, phytoesterols prevent colon cancer, isoflavones reduce risk of breast and ovarian cancers, and saponins prevent cancer cell multiplication. So bring on the beans!

Fats

Last, but certainly not least and the thing I have always, always struggled with. You do not need to restrict fats, spill fats, or choose low-fat options for fat exchanges. You don’t need to avoid peanut butter your favorite food. Why? First off, fats don’t make you fat, but you don’t believe that I know. So instead here is what I can gurantee you fat does do. Amazing things. Fats provide an energy reserve especially when stored. That’s right..you need to store fat. But don’t let ED get you…fats are crucially used so you won’t store them all. Fats insulate the body from temperature extremes. That’s right..you won’t freeze in the summer and have to wear hoodies all the time if you eat some fats. They protect the organs from shock from running, jumping, or any sudden movements. In fact without enough fat, your organs aren’t held in place and just jostle around so every step you take you are risking your organs hitting too hard and being damaged. And lastly…all those carbs and protein you worked so hard to face….they can’t be used by the body efficiently without fat. And the fat-soluble vitamins A, D, E, and K from these food can’t be absorbed at all without fat. Don’t let your hard work go to waste..eat your fats. Real fats, full fats, fabulous fats.

I hoped this helped you all as much as it did me. I honestly think this is a technique I will use if I know a freedom food will be too scary. I will ask my N what it provides me and then will let that be the focus, not whatever ED is yelling about. Love you all!

What of these was most suprising to you?

How can you use this to fight your ED or to make your diet even more power-packed?

Email or comment me J

Waiting for ready?

Look at this…already posting a blog for you all. Wish it was going to be happy, go-lucky one….but today…that just isn’t my reality and I want to be real. So here it goes.

I feel lost and confused. I was sure I would wake up today and have hit weight I said needed to hit in order to get back on meal plan….that wasn’t my reality…instead I gained weight…but honestly..I wasn’t upset. I e-mailed my N, told her I hadn’t been able to get back on plan, and we decided there was no point in me meeting with her until I am back on plan and ready to gain weight. Again..I just didn’t care. I know she will be there when I am ready..whenever that is. The only break from this apathy was when I thought more into that….when will I be ready?

I’m basically at a point I just don’t know what I want. Yes, I want recovery. I want this perfect bliss I paint up in my mind where I am living life, helping others in recovery, and eating freely and normally, but I just don’t see that being possible. I feel like I have tried every perfect plan to eat normally. I have tried contracts. I’ve tried eating freedom foods. I’ve tried…and yet I still stay disordered. I do great facing freedom foods, but get worse with food scale. I do great following meal plan, but start overexercising. There are just so many aspects I’m struggling in and I feel overwhelmed. I just want them all gone. I want to experience true freedom. No food scales, eating most challenging meals or whatever I want, not compensating with activity. I just want to do that till it feels normal. That’s the one thing I haven’t tried. Just doing it all.

Instead I try tackling things one at a time. I don’t do the scary option my N wants me to choose but choose one of the safer scary foods I have. Maybe that’s my issue. I haven’t really given real, true recovery a try. I have made plans, made lists…all the things that have helped me in other aspects of life. But doing those things and then trying to control the lists, which fear foods I face, what aspects of contract I focus on…in there maybe lies the problem. I am still trying to have control and right now I am too disordered to be allowed control. I honestly can’t be trusted with food because my ED is so loud.

Yes..the solution to this at first seems to be inpatient/residential. That’s what everyone says, but the problem is that’s my pattern too. Have all my control stripped away and let others do my recovery for me. I need the in-between. I need outpatient that I actually commit to FULLY. I need to give my team control and deal with the fear, not give in to the fear.

So here lies my problem. The when will I be ready? Because I want this life of freedom, but I don’t want to gain weight. It literally is the crux of the issue and what holds me back. Honestly I am just scared to gain weight and still be disordered. That’s why I do what I am doing right now. I give aspects of recovery a shot, gain weight, realize I’m still disordered, fear I will always be that way, and then instead of doing the logical thing and fixing the aspects of recovery I am struggling in…I lose the weight to try and start again. To try and get it right. And it’s a vicious circle.

I am not giving myself any room for error because I want to control weight gain. I want to only gain weight if I am doing everything recovery-oriented…not struggling at all. To me delving in my ED behaviors and gaining weight while doing it gets ED screaming about how I have no control and even my disorder doesn’t work anymore. Here is the thing…I need to stop trying to control weight gain, but how. It is the fiber of my being.

And how do I get ready to do that. I’ve tried the lists. I ‘ve written myself letters. I’ve lost to lowest of lows (at least I’m not trying that one again). None of it gets me ready. I still end up gaining, freaking out, and lapsing. I just can’t come to terms with gaining weight. I don’t want to gain weight. So how to I get ready to do something I am so unmotivated to do? Something I don’t want to do at all. In fact, something that my whole life I have been motivated to prevent?

I guess I should tackle it the same way I tackle other things I don’t want to do…just do it. Only weigh weekly with N and let it be the aspect of my recovery she has sole control over. I will never recover if weight keeps dictating my life and my food. My freedom won’t be possible that way. And honestly..I can’t eat normally and maintain this low weight, because it’s not a weight someone my height needs to be. As desperately as I feel I want to weigh in the 80s…honestly…it brings me nothing I truly want in life. It doesn’t allow me to be free with food, with friends, with family. Heck..I get scared it will keep me from a job because people say I look so sick and weak….that’s not very appealing for employers.

If I could just figure out some way to do this recovery “right” this time I feel I could do it. I’m glad didn’t hit the weight today, because I would have been going back into recovery with that temporary mindset again. It would be setting myself up for another lapse.

Okay…I know I said no plans, but I need a plan….I’m OCD and anorexic…I like plans. So these are the aspects of recovery I know I need to implement…no questions asked.

• Giving N complete control of my weight. How? Only weigh weekly on her appt days because it’s the only day my weight will matter. E-mailing my weight to her and letting that be a sign of sending it off to her and not carrying it with me the rest of the day.
• Giving over ALL control of my food until my mind is healed. How? Well we will have to break this down further and it’s gonna hurt because I am sending this to my N:
•    No food scale. Or only for meat. If I am unable to keep it solely to meat then I turn it into my N.
• Freedom foods. My N and I select them together. If I show I am unable to select them without thinking in numbers, she will select them.
•  Desserts. Do them as many times as N says.
• Meal planning. Perhaps do a few “sample days” with N and see how she wants me to go about planning meals for week. How to do it without numbers and without eating same thing every day. If I am unable to do this I think I might end up writing out all possibilities for each exchange I struggle choosing (carbs and fruit mainly), tear them, fold them, and draw them out of a hat.
• Trusting the education of my N completely. How? Accept any and all challenges she gives me even outside of session. I actually love the idea of her randomly e-mailing me a challenge to do. To keep me on my toes. I will never learn I can trust food unless I start trusting it. My N eats normally and thus I should trust her guidance.
• Behaving normally with meals. How? Perhaps eating with people, perhaps my N at first. Eating at times my N sets (NO EXCUSES)! Having a certain amount of time I am allowed to complete meals. If I am unable to eat at times my N sets I will tell my frieds the times and have to check-in with each of them when I complete my meal. If that doesn’t work and I honestly can’t just eat at normal people times due to fear…then I seriously may need hospital.

Wow! Not at all where I thought blogging would go..now I remember why I need it so much. It takes ED negative and turns them into roads to recovery. Well..gonna go e-mail this to my N. Scared..but I need to.

A Vow to Myself and You all

Hey everyone--

This is a short and sweet post, but I wanted to put it out there so people can hold me accountable. I talked with my stepmom and through our conversation realized I need to get back to blogging for several reasons. For one, it's healing for me. Even if nobody reads it...it helps me and I need that. I need to help get things out of my mind and onto paper. Two, it is a resource I can look back on later in life when I work with people with eating disorders. I will be able to look back and remember what it was like. And three, because there are amazing people like you out there reading and I am hoping my recovery, honesty, journey can help others.

I struggle with making time for myself so I keep on putting off blogging. And honestly,  the less I've blogged the deeper I have gone with ED and now I am back to dropping snacks and wanting to exercise. Sure, I do shout outs for help on Facebook or MFP, but that isn't healing. All it does is get ED out of my head, but I don't process it. So I need to commit. I need to prioritize me. I need to get back to blogging

To ease my way into it I am going to commit to blogging about my day/ recovery at least three times a week and once will be on weekend (when I struggle most). I also want to blog my random insights and such, but I think reflecting on my struggles is something I need to do to. Because it's not all rainbows and roses...and people need to see that.

That being said I also need to make this healing and so at the end of every post, no matter how ED-driven or deep I am when I write it. I will stop, pray, reflect, and try and write something...ANYTHING...that is positive and how I can work towards recovery.

This will be part of the one strong campaign I am doing for my dad. I will definitely blog more about that later. Maybe tomorrow. There we go...already have a topic. Now I'm off to face freedom food of Cookie Crisp cereal. Wish me luck...and keep fighting (and reading please..and commenting...you all don't know how much the comments make me remember I matter and this blog matters).

The Little Balloon that Could...and Did

Jan 15, 2013

So tonight I did a balloon release for my dad. I thought it would be freeing and a cool experience, little
did I know my dad had a whole lesson in it for me. It all started with my balloon. My balloon..tied with all my insecurities and struggles…a little representation of me…this is its story.

I released the balloon expecting it to fly away with all the others that floated freely to the sky, but things didn’t work out that way. My little balloon and two others got stuck in a tree. The other balloons floated away in peace….freeing their holders of the captivity of what they wrote. But mine…it got stuck. I could relate to the little balloon. As it watched its friends go on. Recover, laugh, be free. As it watched the other balloons flying free it reminded me of watching others around me recover, watching people in the dining hall eat whatever they want, and feeling stuck. Wishing I too could be free. But being held back, trapped in the branches of life, loss, and ED.

The other two balloons stuck behind almost gave up. Just hung themselves in the branches deeming life was just too hard. There was no reason to fight. But not my balloon. We all stood in wonder as it pushed through the branches. It got tangled up but then reversed itself. I could see it struggling. Trying to take lunges forward, but it was held back by the paper tied to it. Held back by the worries, insecurities, fear. But it kept fighting. It was so desperate to be free. It didn’t want to give up. This balloon was me. Fighting against life…trying to break free. Sometimes I make mistakes and get myself more stuck, but then I reverse and try another way…try again. But I keep being held back by my fear, insecurities, doubts.

We all watched and the others with me chuckled. They started to give up on the balloon. But I refused. I kept believing this balloon would break free. Then something amazing happened. In one final push..the paper moved and the balloon was freed. We all looked on in amazement. It showed me what perserverance and belief can do. The balloon just needed someone to believe in it…just one person and it had the strength to push one more time..one last time and be free.

The balloon took off. This was its chance for freedom, for victory, but the paper pulled it down, another tree came, and again it sat stuck. I know how it felt. I push so hard in recovery sometimes. Get up the courage and strength to face my fears and commit to recovery, then something comes along whether it be the 90 lb mark, unforeseen death of my dad, stress, whatever branches life puts out in front of me and I get stuck.

Honestly in that predicament the balloon was exactly where I am right now. I just feel so tired of fighting..I just keep getting stuck. Life keeps happening. ED seems the thing to cling onto, but all that is doing…clinging to ED…is getting me stuck in the tree. I watched the little balloon. I didn’t want to give up on it…honestly..because I didn’t want to give up on myself. If that balloon stayed stuck what would it mean for me? That I really can’t let go of all these things? That I won’t be free.

My friends dispersed and it started to get cold. I stared at the balloon…wished it luck…begged it to break free…and left it to go to dinner with my friend. It sounds silly but it hurt to leave the balloon there..stuck and desperately fighting. Why? Because I felt it was me…giving up on myself. But I walked away…having hope the balloon would find the strength to fight. That someone…something would come along and break it free. This is where I am now too. People are moving on, life is moving on…and I’m still stuck and fighting and I feel so alone. I know I have friends and family supporting me, but still without their physical presence…without the physical presence of my dad…I just feel alone.

I enjoyed the time with my friend but still I thought of that little balloon…out there in the dark..alone. Was it still fighting? Was it free? Had it given up? It was so hard to leave it alone, but there was nothing I could do to help it.

After dinner I went back to my dorm and as I passed the tree where I had left the balloon I wearily looked up. All I saw was sky. That’s right..no balloon. I even looked nearby on the ground to see if it had popped and fallen. I looked to the trees nearby sure it had gotten snagged somewhere else. But it was nowhere to be found…it was free. Tears started to well in my eyes.

You see this balloon had struggled, been trapped, broken free only to be stuck again and again. To have life and ED hold it back. Finally people left it…moved on with their lives hoping, praying it would be free but knowing there was nothing they could do. This balloon…left alone..it found its own strength. It kept fighting. It never gave up. It didn’t let anyone or anything tell it it couldn’t be free. That it wasn’t strong enough of good enough. And left there alone…it relied on its ownstrength…it fought for itself..it fought for what it wanted. Not to prove anything to anyone because no one was there. But just to be free..because that was it wanted. It fought for itself not for anyone else. And it was in that moment…alone…being strong in itself…it broke free.

 This is me. I am here…I have a N, I have friends, I have family. They are praying and hoping for my recovery..but I am sitting here..alone. I have to do this for myself. For my dreams. For ME.

The branches aren’t gonna move…life will keep happening.

The paper won’t fall…ED and fears will still be there.

No one is going to climb up and save me…I just have myself and my God.

But if I keep fighting….if I fight for me and rely on the strength of my God…I will have that final push I need to be free. I will get that final gust of wind and break free. I don’t need someone cheering me on. I don’t need (though I want) my dad physically there. I just have to know people are hoping in me…I have to believe in myself..fight for my dreams…and I will be free. Life will try to hold me back, fear will try to hold me back, but I have the fight and strength to be free.

And in the end…when I do break free…people will come back expecting to see me stuck just like I did with the balloon. They will look in amazement when they don’t see me where I was. They will look on the ground wondering if maybe life got to much, but they won’t find me there. They will look to the other trees…sure I got stuck somewhere else. They won’t find me there. Then they will look to the sky, see the shining star and realize that is where I am…I am free. And my hope and prayer is in realizing I broke free they will realize they can break free too. They will realized their strength and the strength of God and they will start to fight. They will learn from me as I have learned from this balloon. They will see they are the little balloon that could…and they will be the little balloon that did. 

Thanks dad...got my understanding and motivation

Jan 15, 2014

Well my dad gifted me today on his birthday with wisdom and understanding after my nutritionist session. After realizing yesterday there is so much I still have to fight for. Having an interview with UT that made me remember I still have a life and future. And remembering I won’t have my N after May. I realized this weight gain thing..it has to happen. And I’m never gonna feel ready. I’m never gonna want to do it. It’s just…it’s got to happen.

Well..it doesn’t have to. I can stay in misery, fear, ED and choose to maintain in the 80s the rest of my life. It’s an option. But I won’t have a nutritionist. I won’t have guidance. I won’t have a meal plan. And I won’t have any freedom whatsoever. I will be stuck eating miniscule amounts of food, being terrified of fruits/veggies, weighing every morsel of food. I won’t be able to go to grad school, won’t get any job in the ED field, and basically will just live the rest of my life at home in an eating disorder. That isn’t a life I want.

OR I can choose to just let this weight gain happen. It’s going to eventually whether I want it to or not. It has to happen. For me to be healthy, to be normal…well I can’t be in the 80s with a BMi in the 13s. I just can’t. It just doesn’t work that way.

And I want to eat normally and freely. That can’t happen if I am trying to maintain a weight someone of my 5’7.5” stature shouldn’t be at. I will just be restricting and slowly destroying my body. So…I have to gain weight. It sucks…but guess what. I got me here. Well…ED got me here. So I need to leave ED in the dust and get myself out of the predicament I am in. That means coping with weight gain..not running from it.

I kind of see now maintaining a low weight is stupid. I mean...what grad school will give me an assistantship? If I get my MSW what ED clinic would ever hire me? I am basically giving up my dream if I stay at this weight. I say it brings me comfort...but it doesn't. It brings me panic and daily weighing and restriction. It sucks. Gaining weight sucks too.. but at least then I get to work with you and have a chance at a normal relationship with food and of a future. 

How am I going to do this? I don’t know. But now I have an ultimatum from my N and if I don’t gain…we can’t see each other. I can’t lose her. Left to my own devices at this point..there is no way I will ever be able to eat normally. No way I will be able to know what to eat. And honestly…I don’t know if I will survive till the end of the semester if left to myself and left to maintain in the 80s.

So I am going to try and keep my focus of recovery on the things I am accomplishing that I want to accomplish. Freedom foods, eating out, desserts, eating with people. Let that be what I look at every week. Let weight be something I report to my N, but not my focus. I don’t know if it will work, but what I am doing now ain’t working. Plus…this whole relapse thing is getting kind of stupid, boring, and repetitive. I am getting nowhere.

You know why I hate running on tredmills? Because you don’t get anywhere. Same thing with tracks. You just end back up where you started. Well..right now that is my method of recovery. Recover, be scared, gain weight, lose weight gained and then some, start again. So maybe it’s time I get off the track and hit the trail. Time I start taking this recovery somewhere..instead of ending up right where I started. 

What I want....but just can't get

I have relapsed again. Yesterday I dropped my fruit and dairy snack and I used laxatives. All to lose weight and be back in 80s which I was this morning. I restricted knowing I had done 40 minutes cycling and had rounds for duty. But all that mattered was my weight. Now I have another lb to lose till I feel I can be free.

I opened up to my N about my unwillingness to gain weight and she said we may not be able to work together anymore. In that instant I realized everything relapse is costing me. If I lose my N…I lose all hope of recovery. At least outpatient. I just stopped caring about gaining weight because I figured there was no reason to gain weight without my dad. I was gaining to a certain weight based on a pic and a time I was with my dad and happy. Without him..I can’t fight for that reality. But with this relapse. With the misery I feel even only being in day 2 of it. I realize there is so much more to my recovery, so much more I want than just a picture. Things I wanted separate from anything having to do with my dad. Things I wanted for myself. Things I won’t be able to do without my nutritionist. But things I want to do without gaining weight.

• I want to be able to eat freely.
• I want to experience the love for food my dad had.
• I want to cook a meal for the family and eat it.
• I want to go to fro-yo with a friend.
• I want to go through a Starbuck’s drive-through and trust what they make.
• I want to be free to drink diet soda without worrying about sodium.
• I want to eat dessert when I want it.
• I want to walk into the dining hall knowing I can eat anything in there I want.
• I want to be able to eat whatever fruit/veg I want.
• I want to eat without a food scale.
• I want to eat jimmy john’s again.
• I want to be able to eat in front of people.
• I want to weigh only weekly .
• I want to eat at normal times
• I want to not be ashamed of eating.
• I want to exercise for enjoyment not for calories.
• I want to enjoy a rest day from exercise.
• I want to be able to eat a meal and leave it…not carry the thoughts of it with me the whole day.
• I want to be able to go to an interview weekend and worry about the interview not about how to hide my disordered eating.
• I want to be able to go to a restaurant and eat.
• When I have to share my favorite food (ie Peanut Butter) I want to be able to share it knowing I’ve actually eaten it in the past year.
• I want to eat a sample in the grocery store if it looks good.
• I want to try a bite of food if someone offers without worrying about the calories.
• I want to enjoy and partake in communion not look at it as calories.
• I want to be able to trust my nutritionist. To eat just as she asks knowing she can be trusted.
• I want to eat and not deem the meal/day “healthy” or “unhealthy” based on it
• I want to eat without counting fiber in my head.

I WANT TO BE FREE! I want to be truly free. I am tired of the numbers, the worries, the panic. I want to just freaking eat. Like a normal person. Fork to mouth. Eating. Not counting. Just nourishing my body. That’s all I want. I just want to be free to eat. I want to eat as if I never had a disorder. But I am scared of getting huge doing that. I am scared that means being obese again. I am scared it means having no control. And so when I start to gain weight…I start to feel that lack of control and think it to be truth.

So how to I get what I want. How do I do that? I sought a dietitian to help me…but I am told I have to gain weight. That’s not on my list of wants. Can I not just have those and not gain weight. I mean my desire to be free is greater than my fear to gain weight…but I just…I don’t know..something stops me. I just want to figure it out. Daddy…you always knew. You knew how to re-motivate me. How to get me focused on the right things. I need to know what you say. I want to be strong on your birthday tomorrow. I want to fight for all the things I want. The things ED keeps me from. But how…how do I do this without you. How do I find motivation in myself. How do I gain weight? How do I recover…

Dear Dad..WE DID IT!

 January 9, 2014

Dear Papa Bear—

 Did you see daddy! Did you see! I faced blackened tilapia tonight! I know you saw…in fact, I know
you were there every step of the way. Holding my plan and enjoying a plate right there beside me.

I remember almost a year ago when we were at Costco and you saw blackened tilapia (or maybe it was mahi-mahi) and you said now that looks good and I agreed. Then I looked at the nutrition facts and said, but it’s a definite fear food. You tried to reassure me and told me it was silly and was completely healthy and you bought it. I told you one day I would face it, but I was always too scared.

Well..it was on the menu and when in the session with Katherine yesterday when she asked what fear food I wanted to face today…I was honest and said this one. That I wanted to have this one for you. In your honor. But now I see I am not having it for you, but I got to have it with you. Not the same as had you been alive, but still I did it! No…we did it! You, me, and God.

ED tried to sneak in. I got two pieces and he wanted me to do the smaller one. He wanted me to do a lower calorie starch but I didn’t. He wanted me to do low sodium dressing instead of olives, but I didn’t. Nope…tonight I made a choice. I decided ED stole enough of our meals together when you were physically here…I wouldn’t let him steal this meal too. I refused. I was going to enjoy this meal with you, honoring you, and leaving ED in the dirt.

This meal with you…it mattered more than ED…more than my fear of my weight tomorrow…more than my fear. I wanted to honor you and I know….I know you were here by my side. Thank you daddy.

Oh…and just to make the meal complete…I had it on a tiger plate, because in one of your last text to me you told me to let out my roar…and I will daddy. I will!

Love you,

Jess

P.S.---yes I know you could have done it a lot better and can hear you chiming in about all the seasonings they used and all the ones they didn’t. How they could have cooked it better. They tried daddy…but no one will ever be as good a cook as you J

It's Okay to be okay

Today is really the first day of peace for me since my dad died. It was the first day of Tues/Thurs classes and it was hard. I still wanted to call and talk to my dad. Tell him how the day was, how fun class was, how awesome my new professor was…but I couldn’t. Instead of getting down on that though..I called my mom. Instead of living in what parts of life I didn’t have…I clung on to what I did. And it felt good. And I could feel my dad smiling down on me.

I’m seeing it’s okay. I’m not replacing him. I don’t need to feel that way. What I am doing is accepting it sucks my dad died. It was a horrible thing and I didn’t deserve to lose my dad, Joanne didn’t deserve to lose her husband, the tennis team didn’t deserve to lose their captain, my stepsiblings their stepdad, my aunt and uncle their brother…but we did. We did lose his physical presence on earth…and that is just our reality. But we didn’t lose the lessons and love of my father. That’s here with his spirit too.

So I did what my dad would have wanted me to do. I marched on. I lived and experienced the moment. And I talked to him and to God. I told him how the day was and then I realized…he already knew. All the little miracles of the day he was a part of. It made me smile. I realized he is more a part of my life now than he was before. Before, I would get too busy to call or times would get messed up and we would miss each other’s calls or my phone would die. Things could get in the way. But now…now he is smiling down on me every moment and placing little miracles in my life.

So yes…life is different now. It’s not how I planned and it never will be. I will miss my dad. I will have to do things a little differently because he is not there. But I can still be happy. He would still want me to be happy. I can be happy and miss him too. He was happy but he missed his mom and dad. When he lost his job he was sad, but at the same time with us he was happy. Because he knew there was more to life, he knew he would see his parents again, and he knew life and truly living was so important. He put his purpose in life first and kept going step by step. That part of him is in me and will get me through this.

I am going to try and accept this is my reality. He isn’t coming back, but he also didn’t leave. His spirit is still here. His lessons are still here. And his love is still here in my stepmom and my family. There are still people physically here who love me. They won’t take his place, but they will help me get through even with a hole in my heart. My heart may never be whole again…not till I’m in heaven. But the love of others can help fill it up as much as is possible. But I have to let them love me. Just like I let my dad love me.

So today was a good day. Thank you Lord for the peace today and for me being at peace with the peace. I love you daddy and I miss you. Thank you for my little miracles today…they made me smile.

Just have to post honestly. first day of classes and pain of missing mt dad is too much. On top of that weight shot up so I am going craxy and feel huge. For today will stick with my meal plan but only in hopes be back down tomorrow. Relying on God but i need to be back in 80s. i need that simple comfort. Sorry I am a bad example.

30 days symptom free!!

Dear Jess—

Congrats! You made it to 30 days. Honestly it feels like shit because I don’t want to weigh this much, feel so fat, and am waiting for my metabolism to speed up so I can be back in the 80s. I even planned an easy dinner so I could maybe lose, but then instead ate what I wanted. Still really safe I thought because planned 1 cup green peas..that was sure to be under cals. Weighed it on food scale…then typed into cal calculator. FUCK! 120 cals. That’s exactly what supposed to be. And my potatoes are 80 cals which is higher than minimum.

My brain screamed. ED yelled at me. I had already challenged myself with sweet potatoes. My timing was good. And I was freaking eating meal plan. What?! Well I tried something different today. Instead of hopping down that rabbit trail I got on my knees and I prayed the serenity prayer. I prayed that God help me know he is in control of my body, of weight, of calories. I was given instruction through exchanges…that is how I should think. That He allow me to enjoy the meal and bless it to the nourishment of my body. Let me just say…it didn’t provide answers or logic. I didn’t feel any better or feel I wasn’t going to balloon. But I felt peace. And I decided only one way to prove ED wrong…to do the next right thing and eat the dinner and snacks I planned.

It may have taken me 30 days to do it. But hey..it’s better late than never. I still don't feel proud, but hey I don't feel as miserable as I did 31 days ago. So I got my red chip and felt a little proud...but I still want to weigh less...ED is still there...I even dreamed of drinking...but I wanted my red chip and I got it. I have no motivation to stick to plan tomorrow if weight still not down...but I will deal with tomorrow tomorrow. For now...focus on today. 

Yours truly (because I can't say love yet)

Jess

Sorry I've been away

For anyone who is reading...sorry I haven't written in a while. The grief over losing my dad is at an all time high and it's taking all my energy just to get through the day. I just don't have the time to write right now. I am sorry...but for right now I have to focus on my recovery, every moment, and getting through the day. Recovery wise I am still on track..but my steam, motivation..it's all waning. I am maintaining my weight and haven't told my nutritionist because I can't handle another increase. I am back at school which means back with stress. So I will write again...I just don't know when.