Waiting for ready?

Look at this…already posting a blog for you all. Wish it was going to be happy, go-lucky one….but today…that just isn’t my reality and I want to be real. So here it goes.

I feel lost and confused. I was sure I would wake up today and have hit weight I said needed to hit in order to get back on meal plan….that wasn’t my reality…instead I gained weight…but honestly..I wasn’t upset. I e-mailed my N, told her I hadn’t been able to get back on plan, and we decided there was no point in me meeting with her until I am back on plan and ready to gain weight. Again..I just didn’t care. I know she will be there when I am ready..whenever that is. The only break from this apathy was when I thought more into that….when will I be ready?

I’m basically at a point I just don’t know what I want. Yes, I want recovery. I want this perfect bliss I paint up in my mind where I am living life, helping others in recovery, and eating freely and normally, but I just don’t see that being possible. I feel like I have tried every perfect plan to eat normally. I have tried contracts. I’ve tried eating freedom foods. I’ve tried…and yet I still stay disordered. I do great facing freedom foods, but get worse with food scale. I do great following meal plan, but start overexercising. There are just so many aspects I’m struggling in and I feel overwhelmed. I just want them all gone. I want to experience true freedom. No food scales, eating most challenging meals or whatever I want, not compensating with activity. I just want to do that till it feels normal. That’s the one thing I haven’t tried. Just doing it all.

Instead I try tackling things one at a time. I don’t do the scary option my N wants me to choose but choose one of the safer scary foods I have. Maybe that’s my issue. I haven’t really given real, true recovery a try. I have made plans, made lists…all the things that have helped me in other aspects of life. But doing those things and then trying to control the lists, which fear foods I face, what aspects of contract I focus on…in there maybe lies the problem. I am still trying to have control and right now I am too disordered to be allowed control. I honestly can’t be trusted with food because my ED is so loud.

Yes..the solution to this at first seems to be inpatient/residential. That’s what everyone says, but the problem is that’s my pattern too. Have all my control stripped away and let others do my recovery for me. I need the in-between. I need outpatient that I actually commit to FULLY. I need to give my team control and deal with the fear, not give in to the fear.

So here lies my problem. The when will I be ready? Because I want this life of freedom, but I don’t want to gain weight. It literally is the crux of the issue and what holds me back. Honestly I am just scared to gain weight and still be disordered. That’s why I do what I am doing right now. I give aspects of recovery a shot, gain weight, realize I’m still disordered, fear I will always be that way, and then instead of doing the logical thing and fixing the aspects of recovery I am struggling in…I lose the weight to try and start again. To try and get it right. And it’s a vicious circle.

I am not giving myself any room for error because I want to control weight gain. I want to only gain weight if I am doing everything recovery-oriented…not struggling at all. To me delving in my ED behaviors and gaining weight while doing it gets ED screaming about how I have no control and even my disorder doesn’t work anymore. Here is the thing…I need to stop trying to control weight gain, but how. It is the fiber of my being.

And how do I get ready to do that. I’ve tried the lists. I ‘ve written myself letters. I’ve lost to lowest of lows (at least I’m not trying that one again). None of it gets me ready. I still end up gaining, freaking out, and lapsing. I just can’t come to terms with gaining weight. I don’t want to gain weight. So how to I get ready to do something I am so unmotivated to do? Something I don’t want to do at all. In fact, something that my whole life I have been motivated to prevent?

I guess I should tackle it the same way I tackle other things I don’t want to do…just do it. Only weigh weekly with N and let it be the aspect of my recovery she has sole control over. I will never recover if weight keeps dictating my life and my food. My freedom won’t be possible that way. And honestly..I can’t eat normally and maintain this low weight, because it’s not a weight someone my height needs to be. As desperately as I feel I want to weigh in the 80s…honestly…it brings me nothing I truly want in life. It doesn’t allow me to be free with food, with friends, with family. Heck..I get scared it will keep me from a job because people say I look so sick and weak….that’s not very appealing for employers.

If I could just figure out some way to do this recovery “right” this time I feel I could do it. I’m glad didn’t hit the weight today, because I would have been going back into recovery with that temporary mindset again. It would be setting myself up for another lapse.

Okay…I know I said no plans, but I need a plan….I’m OCD and anorexic…I like plans. So these are the aspects of recovery I know I need to implement…no questions asked.

• Giving N complete control of my weight. How? Only weigh weekly on her appt days because it’s the only day my weight will matter. E-mailing my weight to her and letting that be a sign of sending it off to her and not carrying it with me the rest of the day.
• Giving over ALL control of my food until my mind is healed. How? Well we will have to break this down further and it’s gonna hurt because I am sending this to my N:
•    No food scale. Or only for meat. If I am unable to keep it solely to meat then I turn it into my N.
• Freedom foods. My N and I select them together. If I show I am unable to select them without thinking in numbers, she will select them.
•  Desserts. Do them as many times as N says.
• Meal planning. Perhaps do a few “sample days” with N and see how she wants me to go about planning meals for week. How to do it without numbers and without eating same thing every day. If I am unable to do this I think I might end up writing out all possibilities for each exchange I struggle choosing (carbs and fruit mainly), tear them, fold them, and draw them out of a hat.
• Trusting the education of my N completely. How? Accept any and all challenges she gives me even outside of session. I actually love the idea of her randomly e-mailing me a challenge to do. To keep me on my toes. I will never learn I can trust food unless I start trusting it. My N eats normally and thus I should trust her guidance.
• Behaving normally with meals. How? Perhaps eating with people, perhaps my N at first. Eating at times my N sets (NO EXCUSES)! Having a certain amount of time I am allowed to complete meals. If I am unable to eat at times my N sets I will tell my frieds the times and have to check-in with each of them when I complete my meal. If that doesn’t work and I honestly can’t just eat at normal people times due to fear…then I seriously may need hospital.

Wow! Not at all where I thought blogging would go..now I remember why I need it so much. It takes ED negative and turns them into roads to recovery. Well..gonna go e-mail this to my N. Scared..but I need to.