Day 2...a little tougher but doing it

It’s been very anxiety provoking day, both ED related and just life. But I feel good. Was able to bless someone else today and still was able to smile more today. So just thought I would drop in and share some triumphs as well as my imperfections

I must say though I got to live in the moment today and that felt good. It felt good to experience life outside of food. It was a little overwhelming at times..but also completely joyous at times too.

TRIUMPHS

• I weighed this morning and though the weight was up I was able to be okay with it and even to say it was up such a small amount it didn’t matter. Those of you with ED know how big deal that is. To be able to shrug off any weight increase as not enough to matter.
• I ate a cereal that wasn’t on my healthy list and I didn’t weigh it.
• Again I got the right amount of prunes.
• I got stuck in traffic which caused me to miss the time I would do snack. When I got back to dorm I did snack and lunch together. Normally, ED would have me push my snack till later at night. But I know my N doesn’t want me doing that. This was even scarier than not weighing foods. Eating earlier in the day for some reason freaks me out. I don’t know why…I used to be the never eat past 7pm person and now I get scared if I don’t have anything on meal plan left after 9 pm. It’s strange…
• I didn’t use food scale on tuna or pear at lunch and didn’t spill any seeds. The food scale did creep in on my veggie and on my peas, but that was honestly because my anxiety was so high.
• At dinner I ate a baked potatoe. Funny thing is I smuggled out two from my dining hall so I was debating before dinner whether I would eat the smaller or larger of the two…when I weighed them they were both the same size J So I just ate the one that looked better J And I didn’t cut off any part of it!
• I am not sure if this is triumph…but my founder was slighty under in grams. It was 107 g instead of 113g…and I decided to not freak out. To just take it as normal and move on J
• I ate dried craisins!
• In packing by breakfast for the morning I at first weighed my cereal…but I reclaimed the moment by re-measuring it in cup and not using food scale!
• I counted out 18 almonds for tomorrow and still weighed them…they were 18 instead of my 17 g….and I packed them that way anyway.
• Got right size bagel and right amount of spread.

Room to improve J

I knew recovery wouldn’t be perfect. And it hasn’t been, but I am a heck of a lot better than I have ever been. There are still things I want to change though.

• When I go to the grocery store I want to buy something that looks good without checking stats first. Even if I have to look at numbers I want to wait till I am home to do it.
• I want to be able to go through drive-thru at Starbucks and trust that they made my drink right instead of having to go in and watch them.
• I want to stop using the food scale on breakfast, but I have to talk to my N about how to go about this, because I have been using food scale so long that’s how we have always talked about my prune exchanges.
• I really want more freedom in choosing foods, but honestly at school especially on Sunday nights when dining hall closed I just can’t think of anything except for the same foods I always eat. I sent my N an e-mail about this and I bet we will discuss it Wed.
• I want to be able to take Sunday off and feel good about it.
• I want to eat mustard without counting it towards spread on bagel.