Clean Slate, Fresh Start

Well it’s come. The day of commitment. The day to get back on my meal plan. I woke up ready to do it. Even without stepping on the scale, I just wanted to start fresh. This new motivation all started on Thursday actually after getting horrible news. As assistantship everyone told me I was guaranteed to get I ended up getting passed over for. Suddenly this dream I had held onto of grad school seemed to crumble down in front of me. Honestly, at first I was in a very very dark place.

But then I realized something. This assistantship was at a grad school I really didn’t want to go to. I had settled for this grad school because my dream grad school just seemed too much to afford and I was tired of trying to fight to make it work. So I settled. I let go of my true dream and tried to convince myself this other grad school was what I wanted. I told myself their veterinary social work program was close enough to animal assisted social work. I tried to tell myself how nice it would be to only be a state away from home. How nice it would be to go to a school with a big football team like my school does (even though I hate going to football games and usually leave after half time). I even told myself it was meant to be because their mascot was a dog like my schools. But the reality was it wasn’t my dream.

I realized Thurs night this depression and lack of motivation to recover I have had actually hit the same time I decided to turn my back on the University of Denver and instead set my sights on this other school (not saying their name out of respect). I lost my vision for my future. I lost something to care about. I basically lost myself because I was settling for a dream that wasn’t my own. So when the assistantship at the other university fell through…all the sudden Denver became an option again.

I woke up Friday more motivated than ever. Not for recovery per se, but for life in general. I woke up actually wanting to live (part of the reason I’ve been away for so long is I got in a very, very dark place where honestly…I didn’t care if I died. It’s hard to write in such a dark place). I woke up with hope again. I wrote my contact at Denver and through a bunch of tiny miracles all the sudden I found possible funding and (God-willing) a free place to live. I felt as if I was soaring.

So today I woke up with a new perspective. I spent time thinking and contemplating this morning instead of doing my daily routine of jumping on the scale. I wanted to prepare myself. Honestly because I was expecting scale to shoot up because it was horrible timing with my meals Fri. But I decided to sit in my good mood for a little bit before ED through a wrench in it.

I just felt motivated. I didn’t care when..but I felt ready to commit to plan when the time came (aka when hit the ED weight). I just had this new outlook. I could see myself at Denver. I could see myself free. I could see myself throwing the ball with my Australian Shepherd named either Faith or Hope or Phoenix. I could see myself having picnics with my fellow grad students on the lawn outside the GSSW building. I could see myself cycling, running, hiking. Living active and free. Not thinking about food and calories. Just living. Living and using my story to inspire others.

I also realized if I move to Denver I get a fresh slate. No one will know me as Jess with the eating disorder. Or Jess the underweight girl. Or just as the skeletal girl with the weird food allergies. When I go to Denver I can just be Jess. I can let people get to know the true me. Heck, I can get to know the true me. But it will mean not packing up ED with my belongings when I move out there. And the only way that is possible is to commit to recovery. To commit to the team I am blessed to have till graduation and to give it 150%. Yes…even to gain weight. Because let’s be honest. When you are 5’7.5” and weigh in the 80s…well your brain can’t help but only think about food because its starving.

So I was all motivated and happy and thought “Well I am glad I am motivated. That will come in handy if I get to start my plan tomorrow.” And I marched on to my scale. Stepped on ready for ED to deem it another horrible day and me a horrible person…when suddenly…the number was the start number I set. The number I said I had to get to to start the plan. What? Here I was motivated and I got the green light.

You know…I thought the number would make it easier too. But it wasn’t. As excited as I was I was terrified too. And ED tried to point to all the reasons my weight was down and why I couldn’t start. But thanks to the love and support of friends and family…I listened to my heart, my dream, and my God and I started.

I won’t lie. It’s been a rough day. I am lucky to have amazing friends who text me, facebook messaged me, and sent me inspiration the whole day. Friends who were there the 50,000 times I changed my mind and decided I shouldn’t add back the snack. I also have an amazing nutritionist who promptly responded that I needed to take a full rest day. No yoga, no Jillian Michaels, and no spin class I tried to convince her to let me go to.

My friends and family cheering me one :) 

It’s been rough. It’s been a fight. But I am truly proud to say I came out on top. I took a full rest day. I ate what I wanted for my exchanges instead of eating the exact same meals I have the past two days. I ate a larger bagel with a higher calorie topping. And I added back my snack. And I am actually still hungry which is weird.

It feels amazing. IT feels terrifying. It feels exciting. And it feels scary. It’s so many emotions and feelings, but honestly right now the positive are greater than the fear. It’s just nice to feel hope again.

And honestly my fear isn’t really weight gain or anything like that. I am just scared that I actually have to commit. That I have to hand over weight, calories, exchanges….all of it to my nutritionist and therapist. I am no longer allowed to decide whether my meal plan changes. If I choose to step on a scale, the numbers can’t dictate anything unless they are numbers in my nutritionist office. Kind of defeats the purpose of getting on the scale. I am scared that I won’t be able to do it. That I will fail like the times in the past. And then I am scared I will do it, and what that will look like. What will I focus on when numbers aren’t constantly swirling in my head. What will life be like truly free and happy. It’s all so scary, but honestly exciting. Wish me luck…and be looking for my posts (though this is midterms and doctor appt season galore so give me a bit).

Message me any topics you want to see or anything you all are struggling with or succeeding in J Also I am probably going to be posting more bible verses as they come up and inspire me. They may just be little blurbs instead of full on posts :) 

Finding Hope...in a Cupcake

There are two parts to this post. The first I wrote a few days ago…it’s not as hopeful, but is still real emotion. I put it aside and come back today…with the hope. Read whatever parts you want J

Written on Feb 1, 2014

Sorry I haven’t been around the last few days. Honestly things have been rough and I have been trying to self-reflecting. ED was very loud and I knew he would be the one typing any blog post not me. I did stay on meal plan, but that only made him louder. Luckily, I finally had time to journal last night and get my own head screwed back on. I had a lot of realizations and feel I can come back and write now.

I came to realize why I have motivation for one day and then it’s gone the next. It’s because even in fighting for my purpose as I wrote about a week ago, I am fighting for my future…and right now I don’t like the future I see because it’s a whole lot of unknown.

Yes this is me....

Come May I am graduating. Something most people look forward too. Something I was looking forward to too. But now…now I am dreading it. I feel like time is ticking towards graduation and I just want it to stop. Graduating means leaving the safe life I have lived the past 4 years. And I don’t know what is going to happen after. The school I planned on going to, I just can’t afford to take out the loans for. The even better school and job I found I am still waiting to hear back from. And those are the only two schools with the program I want. So if it doesn’t work out with this one…I have to take a year off and just work some fast food job…not what I ever dreamed of my life being.

May and graduating means a lot of loss to me at this point. I lose the comfort of living in a dorm. I lose my job I love. I lose the safety of doing school…something I know I can do and am good at. Those aren’t the greatest loss. The thing I am most scared to lose…is my N. And it's this fear, the realization of losing her....it's gonna be my motivation. 

I then started crying too much to handle, so I put this aside…and I am back…this time a little more hopeful.

You see, my N is part of the school and come May with graduating…school ends. There’s no way to see her anymore. There is no more person to catch me when I lapse over summer. There is no more just make it through summer so can see N again in fall. There will just be me….and my whole life ahead…without her.

It’s silly I know, but I trust her and she is more than a N. In these three years we have been through a lot: the loss of my grandparents, almost getting kicked out of school, getting kicked out of health center, having organs fail, losing my dad. Through it all she has been there. Supporting me, believing in me, helping me. And to lose her (though she does want to stay in touch)…it’s like losing a whole support.

And it makes me mad for all the time I wasted. May is fast approaching and I’m scared even if I work as hard as I can I won’t be ready to eat without her and I will just lapse and end up back where I am. This must be what everyone was talking about. People never regret starting recovery too early…they always regret starting too late.

All this made me write my N an apology letter. Tell her how sorry I was for taking advantage of her and how scared I am to lose her come May. Today we finally had session….and talked about it. She told me there was no reason to give up. Even if I am not where I want to be in May..it doesn’t mean I should lapse. I shouldn’t sit around trapped by the could of, would ofs, should ofs. I should just start where I am and see what I can do with the time we have.

So I am going to try. The first challenge was today. I walked into my appt expecting a typical appt and there were two cupcakes in front of my nutritionist. Cupcakes with spoons and water…I knew what was coming. FOOD CHALLENGE. My N said I just had to do one bite because they had coconut on the top and she knew I hated coconut. Part of me thought…one bite…I can do that. One bite to start this journey again. ED though felt otherwise and just screamed calories, calories, calories. Especially when want wt down tomorrow so will add back snack. ED said it would be better for me not to eat the bite because wouldn’t want to hurt chances of recovery tomorrow. But I am done with tomorrow..I only had today.

So I did it. I took the bite. It was really bland and I hated it. That’s when N told me it was kind of a test. She wanted to see if I meant what I said in letter. By taking the bite I proved I did. She said she wouldn’t have been mad if I didn’t. It just would have shown I wasn’t ready and that way okay. That was my choice. But she was so happy I took the bite…and so was I.

Now I hated it was bland and thus didn’t seem worth it, but there was a story to that too. My N didn’t like it but needed a student opinion. Enter me….student…student with very bland taste…so if it was bland to me…it was really bland.

Still, blandness, fear and all…I am so proud I took the bite. I am scared to start on this committed journey to my N, but I am beginning to see May as maybe a relief too. I can gain this weight, do these challenges, give it my all and if come May I am miserable…if come May I want to go back to ED…I will have that choice. There will be no one to stop me. It will just be me.

Having this option scares me…but also comforts me. I can give recovery a try…risk all the fear…and just see what happens. Live the life I want. Trust my N like I’ve always wanted to. And I’m not locked in.

So for today I did live. I took the bite…the first step. And it led to me choosing the lunch I wanted to. The lunch ED didn’t want but I wanted. I am scared. I am still thinking of the scale (which yes I am going to take a break from once I get back on full meal plan). But I am happy today I am choosing life. Not heart beating, breathing life. But experiencing, smiling, loving life.

My N was right about a lot today, but one thing that really sticks with me is it’s not too late. Sure…I’ve worked with her three years. Sure, I’ve struggled. But it’s not too late. It’s not too late to start. It never is…not until life is over. Every day, every moment, is an opportunity to start.

Also…you never know till you try. I am scared I will hate my body when I gain. I am scared I will gain rapidly. I am scared I will never repair my metabolism. I am scared I will relapse because recovery will be too hard on my own come May. But I will never know these things. Never have the chance to see gains can occur slowly, my metabolism can repair, and the recovery I dream of can be possible unless I try. 

Getting Choosy

So I have learned a lot about choices today. The choices I have in recovery that ED tells me I don’t. Where to start…the morning seems best.

Well today was a snow day which meant all classes cancelled. Most people on campus excited about this and part of me was t. But the ED part of me was not. In ED’s world all this meant was I would be walking less and would miss spin class. So ED crafted a nifty illusion. He told me I had to do an hour workout because I didn’t have spin. Otherwise it just wouldn’t be right of me. And I knew I had a choice. I knew I could choose to just take the day off…but instead I chose to negotiate with my hostage taker. Bad choice.

I decided I would base my decision off of the scale. I now see that wasn’t making a choice at all. It was letting a number rule me again. ED told me I had to weigh today anyway because I was supposed to originally when I had a N session today (that was cancelled because of the snow too). The truth: I could have chosen not to weigh. To decide to take a rest day because I needed to. But that is not the choice I made and because weight slightly up I decided to exercise.

I won’t get into details, but ED took hold fast at that point. He knew he had me. He took control of my exercise decisions and my morning. Over and over making me feel I didn’t have a choice.

With me cornered he decided to take over my meal planning for the day too. I hadn’t planned out today the night before like I usually do because I thought I would have an N session. ED had the reigns and now he was Master Chef. He was choosing what I was “allowed” today because of my weight. He told me I didn’t have a choice unless I wanted to be fat. He chose the lowest calorie options for everything. But then I started getting craving. Cravings not in his safe list and he wasn’t happy. Especially not when I had disobeyed him at breakfast and weighed but not torn my English muffin and also gotten the right amount of prunes.

I started to panic. ED told me I couldn’t eat what I was craving…just think of the calories. I couldn’t do it. But thinking of eating what ED planned made me feel miserable. Surprise, surprise…ED makes me feel miserable. Same old story. So I went to dining hall planning on getting what ED wanted. I literally felt chained down. Each step to the dining hall I felt I was marching to my prison.

I did the only thing I could think. I texted my support. But no one responded. I was at that place I talked about a few posts ago. Alone. Just me, myself, and my moments. So I decided to journal. And I realized ED was lying to me. ED was telling me I had no choice because of the calories. ED was telling me I had to obey him because I had earlier that day. But these were all lies.

It was true…I couldn’t choose that calories are permanently etched in my brain. That when I look at food I see numbers. That is just my reality. That is what years of training with ED has done. I couldn’t erase the fact I knew my weight. These numbers were there. But I had a choice of what to do with them. I could choose to submit myself to these numbers or to submit the numbers to God by eating what I wanted. I could choose to know the numbers, but not let them and ED decide what I eat. Was it the easy choice? No! But it was my choice.

At first I thought: “Okay. I will just do some of the things I want, but “balance them out” with what ED wanted.” Then I remembered this morning. Where negotiating with ED had gotten me. I realized I could choose freedom. Choose my purpose. Or I could choose ED. And giving ED any pleasure by letting him choose even a single part of the meals and snacks I had left…that wasn’t choosing my purpose. So I chose my purpose. I chose to eat what I wanted. To know the calories and do it anyway. 

I am scared….that is so true. But I am also excited and happy. I am happy because I am doing what I wanted. That little girl inside is smiling because I am telling her its okay to eat. That the numbers she was made slave to don’t have to control her anymore. That what she wants matters. And I’m excited because by disobeying ED I have the opportunity to see he is wrong.

This is the reality of what ED looks like. You really want
that making your decisions?

So when ED says you don’t have a choice stop in your tracks. Stop and realize your choices. Because ED will only tell you you don’t have a choice when he gets scared. When he realizes how strong you are and that if you choose to go against him you will be free. When he realizes you are outsmarting him and seeing him for the scrawny, puny, liar he is. So stop, realize your choices, and choose the scarier one, the freeing one, the one ED is screaming not to take. That choice is where you will find freedom, peace, and Truth. That is the choice you deserve.

Oh..and in case you are curious…here were my choices.

• For Lunch ED wanted my usual safe options for veggie and starches. I chose to do broccoli, sweet potato, and black beans!
• For dinner ED wanted oatmeal for 2 starches which actually is against my plan. I went with grits like I wanted.

Comment below or e-mail me or use the comment form to let me know whether you all want me to post pics of my freedom foods/meals. Also, whether you want me to post my freedom foods list and update it as I face things. Love you all!

Stepping away from scale?

So it’s been a rough two days. I was flying high in recovery and then yesterday it all came crashing down. Why? Same culprit as always....and a culprit I am ready to let go of: the scale. I hope you will learn from me and start letting go of the scale too. 

 I woke up feeling thinner….but then I stepped on the scale and it was the complete opposite and I freaked. As much as I didn’t want to, I let the scale dictate my day.I was scared all day. In a bad mood all day. Cried for hours. Questioned every last morsel that went into my mouth. ED even creeped in and I used the food scale more than I should have. When my N e-mailed me to send me a surprise challenge of dessert that night I tried to combat her. I came up with so many excuses why I couldn’t or why it didn’t look good instead of just accepting the challenge like I wanted to do. In the end, I did it. And that's a step in the right direction....but I shouldn't let the scale dictate how I respond to my N...to a person trying to help set me free. 

I was miserable all day because of numbers on a scale. I even told myself it was most likely my last day in recovery and if I was even .1 lbs more today I would lapse. Well guess what…all that panic, all that fear…it was for nothing. I am right back down to the weight I started at this morning. The loss of control ED told me I had because weight was up..it was but an illusion. It was just what it was...water, poop, food...my body being a body. The scale wasn't a measure of control, but an illusion of some way I could measure if recovery was okay. And even when scale is down...recovery doesn't feel okay. 

 I woke up feeling miserable and scared and bloated this morning, but because weight was down it was a I felt free to eat what I wanted. Confident in my meal plan. At least for a moment.  I smiled and laughed today because I was able to live in the moments not in a number in my head. But even in this joy I realized ED was still in control. By stepping on a scale and letting the numbers dictate my day…ED is still in control. Even if it makes my day a good one...my trust, my joy, my moments shouldn't be dictated by an abritrary number that is just a measure of poop, fluid, and food. It's not my fault that I can't just step on a scale and let it be numbers...my brain just doesn't work that way right now. It's not healed yet. And so...I think I need to step away from the scale and go to weekly weighing. I need to do it for my purpose.

I want to be able to love life and enjoy my moments. I can’t do that with a number haunting me all day. A number that doesn’t even matter. I need to put my hope of recovery in God and my future and my purpose, not in my weight. Reality is my weight has to increase….and if I can’t accept that I need to only weigh with someone who can help me cope with it..my N.

I also realized there is so much deception in the scale. If weight is up more than I am comfortable it haunts me all day. ED uses it to tell me I can’t eat this or that. That I need to be more active. That I need to watch what I eat. That I need to relapse. That I can’t trust plan. The whole day this happens. He steals the joy of every moment. Sure I was still obedient yesterday despite his screaming, but I wonder what little miracles in the day I missed because I was blinded by the fog of the scale.

Now let’s look at days like today when the scale is down. The joy from that moment…it lasts only for a brief time. But I start to still question food and what I should eat and if I can eat the freedom foods I am craving. It’s the same chaos that is there when weight is up…it’s just easier to push through. I just find it funny. If weight up torment haunts me all day…if weight is down the freedom only lasts a few minutes. So…why do I want to weigh again?

I have always told people I need to weigh every day because it helps me…but I am realizing this is just a lie ED tells me. It’s clear to me weighing daily does not help. Weighing weekly with N will be good because it will be for the purpose of tracking progress and she will be there to silence ED…but on my own…there is just no positive. Sure…I get a brief break when weight doesn’t go up too much…but as I said…the fear is still there.

So why not feel the fear without the torment. I mean ED is obviously going to question everything I eat whether scale is up or down.  And if it’s down he won’t let me feel freedom. Like when I weighed this morning I was in such shock and ED started making excuses for why weight was down I didn’t realize all the lies ED told me that it broke. I ate dessert yesterday, I ate higher calorie options, I ate more nuts than normal, I didn’t spill cereal I always do…and I didn’t gain. But ED doesn’t let me see that when I weigh.

I want to weigh to feel like it’s safe to eat…but I need to start to know it’s safe to eat because others say it is. Because I know in my heart it is okay for me to nourish myself. I need to put my hope and trust in something other than a scale or ED will still have control over me. I want to be free to enjoy all the moments and miracles of the day and the scale just doesn’t allow that.

As my dad said in one of his last e-mails to me…you can’t negotiate with hostage takers (the hostage taker being ED). He was right. And every time I step on the scale..I am trying to negotiate with ED. Telling ED…okay don’t worry… I will disobey you, but if you are right and my weight jumps up I will come running back to you. And there is just no negotiating. My weight and food need to be non-negotiable things that belong to my N…not something I let ED use to dictate my day. So it’s time to stop negotiations and break free.

I need to take this step of faith…not the step I have taken every morning for so many years…not the step onto the scale…but the step of it. I need to take this step towards my purpose, my freedom, and truly trusting food. 

I am proud of myself for realizing this and praise God for the opportunity. I also praise Him, my friends, my stepmom, and the love I have felt from this blog for allowing me to stay in recovery. 4 days in...and its starting to feel okay...still have work I need to do...but it's getting easier. 

Would love to hear from you all through e-mail, comments, or the form on the side :) 

Day 2...a little tougher but doing it

It’s been very anxiety provoking day, both ED related and just life. But I feel good. Was able to bless someone else today and still was able to smile more today. So just thought I would drop in and share some triumphs as well as my imperfections

I must say though I got to live in the moment today and that felt good. It felt good to experience life outside of food. It was a little overwhelming at times..but also completely joyous at times too.

TRIUMPHS

• I weighed this morning and though the weight was up I was able to be okay with it and even to say it was up such a small amount it didn’t matter. Those of you with ED know how big deal that is. To be able to shrug off any weight increase as not enough to matter.
• I ate a cereal that wasn’t on my healthy list and I didn’t weigh it.
• Again I got the right amount of prunes.
• I got stuck in traffic which caused me to miss the time I would do snack. When I got back to dorm I did snack and lunch together. Normally, ED would have me push my snack till later at night. But I know my N doesn’t want me doing that. This was even scarier than not weighing foods. Eating earlier in the day for some reason freaks me out. I don’t know why…I used to be the never eat past 7pm person and now I get scared if I don’t have anything on meal plan left after 9 pm. It’s strange…
• I didn’t use food scale on tuna or pear at lunch and didn’t spill any seeds. The food scale did creep in on my veggie and on my peas, but that was honestly because my anxiety was so high.
• At dinner I ate a baked potatoe. Funny thing is I smuggled out two from my dining hall so I was debating before dinner whether I would eat the smaller or larger of the two…when I weighed them they were both the same size J So I just ate the one that looked better J And I didn’t cut off any part of it!
• I am not sure if this is triumph…but my founder was slighty under in grams. It was 107 g instead of 113g…and I decided to not freak out. To just take it as normal and move on J
• I ate dried craisins!
• In packing by breakfast for the morning I at first weighed my cereal…but I reclaimed the moment by re-measuring it in cup and not using food scale!
• I counted out 18 almonds for tomorrow and still weighed them…they were 18 instead of my 17 g….and I packed them that way anyway.
• Got right size bagel and right amount of spread.

Room to improve J

I knew recovery wouldn’t be perfect. And it hasn’t been, but I am a heck of a lot better than I have ever been. There are still things I want to change though.

• When I go to the grocery store I want to buy something that looks good without checking stats first. Even if I have to look at numbers I want to wait till I am home to do it.
• I want to be able to go through drive-thru at Starbucks and trust that they made my drink right instead of having to go in and watch them.
• I want to stop using the food scale on breakfast, but I have to talk to my N about how to go about this, because I have been using food scale so long that’s how we have always talked about my prune exchanges.
• I really want more freedom in choosing foods, but honestly at school especially on Sunday nights when dining hall closed I just can’t think of anything except for the same foods I always eat. I sent my N an e-mail about this and I bet we will discuss it Wed.
• I want to be able to take Sunday off and feel good about it.
• I want to eat mustard without counting it towards spread on bagel. 

Recovery Day 1: My moments

You want to know ED's favorite day...tomorrow. I wrote that amazing post yesterday...was feeling motivated...woke up these morning feeling bloated and defeated. Honestly, it was because I had a nightmare last night and was scared to weigh-in. I just knew I would be dissapointed. I also felt guilty because last night I told God I would get in recovery today if my wt was x....same old behavior I always do. I stepped on the scale and the impossible happened. Despite all the freedom I allowed last night my weight was x. I was astonished and immediately didn't want to recover. ED provided plenty of reasons and excuses as to why I could wait till tomorrow. But I stopped. I stopped and remember what I wrote. Then I read an amazing text from my stepmom. 

I stopped..I claimed the moment. I decided enough was enough. There were no more tomorrows. There was just now. And I had to get back in recovery. I needed to live my purpose. I needed to live period. I decided to take today and claim each moment. To claim and live my glorious purposely. 

Honestly..it sucked. A lot of me was and is screaming not to do it. I was constantly thinking about my weight and second guessing every decision. But every time I guess I asked myself which one pushed me to my purpose. Which I would be able to write about on this blog and know it may inspire others. And when I didn’t know the answer, I reached out and asked. And when the answer I got was harder choice…I did that. It's been hard..it's been scary...but it's been worth it. Sure...I don't feel that happy right now...but I feel a heck of a lot better than I did in relapse yesterday. And I do have some joy because I am doing what ED said I couldn't...I am living.

I also did a purge...of everything ED. I threw away all my ED foods. The small bagels I stashed up because I knew they were under the normal size. The diet foods I eat only because ED makes me. The foods ED tells me I can never eat because of x,y,z. But that I don't really want either. I just have them so ED can remind me I can't have them. It felt good…I just cleared it all out. Got rid of all the shadows of ED. And then I claimed my moments. I am going to post my moments today as they happen. It's like a live feed :) 

Breakfast

•  ED has made me keep my prunes at 20g when N wants at 23-24g…I did 23.
• ED wanted me to make sure I overcooked oatmeal so it spilled over the side. I made sure I didn’t.
• ED wanted me to tear my English muffin since it seemed to large. Sadly, I did weigh it and saw it was a few grams larger..but I re-claimed my moment and didn’t tear it or leave any behind. Recovery isn’t perfect, but that’s what makes it beautiful.

Lunch

• I didn’t weigh the following which I usually do: pear, tuna, fiber one cereal
• ED said I could not weigh my pear, as long as made sure I didn’t cut it close to the core. I cut it as close to the core as I could get it.
• ED said I needed to restrict my portions and make sure divets in the measuring cup for cereal and tuna. I made sure it was right to the brim.
• ED said since I was weighing the sweet potato I needed to make sure to restrict the portion. I made sure I weighed it only to ensure I got minimum I needed.
• ED said I couldn’t eat tomatoes I wanted. I got tomatoes.
• ED said I needed to weigh the tomatoes and I did. I weighed the tomatoes to ensure I got the right amount to be a whole cup.
• ED said to spill some of my sunflower seeds like I always do. I made sure every kernel got into my mouth.

Dinner Started to get harder here. Trying not to think about snacks later…

• ED said I needed to weigh peas or skimp them. I measured them and get a full cup..no weight needed.
• ED said only get 3 oz cod. The fish was 3.2 oz and I accepted that and ate it all.
• Ed said I shouldn’t add snack to dinner and should just force myself to eat late. I knew this was a trick so later ED would tell me not to eat snack…so I added snack to dinner.
• ED said since this was snack I just added back I needed to do lower cal yogurt. I chose higher calorie yogurt I wanted.
• For the same reason ED said I needed to weigh my fruit to make sure it was small enough. I didn’t weigh the apple and cut it close to the core. 

Bagel snack

During my relapse ED had me stock up on small bagels. I always planned to use these when I got back in recovery because they would mean less calories. At that point, recovery was still a joke and I hadn’t realized my purpose. God’s purpose. That I mattered. My store mattered. So…crying and shaking I rid myself of all the small bagels and got bigger ones. I still feel disgusted and horrible for this. I desperately want the safety of a smaller bagel, but that is not my purpose. I so much more want to be able to grab a bagel with a friend. To be free…to be normal. I want to be able to tell you all bagels are awesome no matter the size. That it doesn’t matter. So in the moment…I chose my purpose and what I wanted. I did the bigger bagel and the higher-cal spread I wanted. Because size and cals…they can’t rule me anymore. 

Final Snack

This was last snack of night and ED was screaming about how disgusting I am and how fat I would be. Despite this I ate the snack I wanted without thinking calories.

So it's been an exhausting day....and it's time to call it a night. I feel drained, exhausted and ED is screaming. But I know this is what I needed to do...and eventually it won't be this hard. Thanks for being a motivation and inspiration. I hope and pray tomorrow treats me okay.

Found my power

I realized something talking to my stepmom today. I realized I lost my path. Not really lost it…just never really found it.

When I started recovery and had the burning passion in me to fight…it was when I had a vision that my life, my recovery, my story mattered. But somewhere along the way I lost that. I started to recover so I could be a good therapist. That didn’t work. So then I relapsed and tried to recover so I could run. That didn’t work. Relapse. On and on…I cycled through different motivations trying to find the glass slipper that fit: for my education, for Denver, to stay out of inpatient, for my dad, then for my dad’s memory. None of it fit. They kept me motivated for at most a good month…but when faced with the fear of weight gain…they weren’t enough.

You want to know why? Because I figured it out. The reason is. I will never recover until I do it for me. Until I realize once again that my story matters. That I matter. That my life is meant to be a light to others. That my recovery is meant to help others heal. That God put me on this earth for a purpose and it sure as heck wasn’t to live in an eating disorder. This thing is holding me back from my purpose. The misery of this disorder is keeping me from my destiny. It’s making my life nothing more than numbers…and its making it seem like it doesn’t matter. But it does.

My dad tried to speak this into me when he was alive and I would tell him I was “doing this for him.” He kept telling me I have to do it for myself. Well dad you were right. Because at the end of the day..I am all I have.

When ED is yelling in my ear to use a food scale, restrict a portion, skip a fear food…I am the only one there and the only one with the power to do the right thing. My dad isn’t there physically. My family isn’t there. My friends aren’t there. In those moments I could care less about my education, my future, having kids. In those moments not even making God proud can motivate me. I have to do it for me. Because I am all I have in those moments.

So it’s time I realize my life matters. That my life is meant to make an impact. Not my future life. Not my life when I am recovered. But my life now. No matter how disordered it may seem it is meant to make an impact. And every moment…every choice..it can either be a moment/choice to help free someone, or to keep me held captive and to keep hope from being released. If I choose ED I choose to say I have no purpose. That my life is nothing more than numbers. That I can’t make an impact. I choose to lie to myself. To spit on the face of everything my dad tried to instill in me. And I can’t do that. Not any more.

Instead every moment, every choice…I will choose the truth. I will choose to say I matter. My story matters. That moment matters. That moment has power. The power to set this captive free. The power to bring hope. The power to bring healing. The power to change lives. To save lives. I will choose to turn my back on ED.

And I may slip. I am human. But then I will have the choice to let the slip define me and run back to ED, or let the moment define me. The moment right there. The moment that has the choice for me to get back on track. To show I can get knocked down, but won’t stay there. The moment to show recovery isn’t perfect, but that’s what makes it beautiful. That life gets messy, but it’s in the mess we find meaning.

So this is my new take on recovery. My new fight. I’m not fighting for someone else. I’m not fighting for my future. I’m not fighting to escape my past. I am fighting for me..and the power of the moment. 

And by the way. You matter too. Your moment matters too. You have a purpose. A beautiful purpose. You have lives you are going to impact. Lives you are impacting. Every choice you make has the potential to change someone's life. To change your life. To release hope. To release freedom. Claim your moment. Find your freedom. FIGHT!

P.s--I just put this into action as I pressed enter and at the same time dropped my bowl of soup. Instead of just eating the small amount left...I made a new bowl of soup and ate it all. Even though had already taken bites before spilled. This moment mattered. 

FREEDOM!!! The Truth is key!

I actually wrote this on Jan 21^st, but I am trying a delayed post thing…so you all will either get a double dose, or this will work and not post till tomorrow (the 22^nd). Either way, this has been awesome! I went to a class taught by my nutritionist and I think I have found something that will help me when I dive back into recovery. I am armed with facts and education. Things I can use to combat ED when he is screaming.

So these are all around behaviors I hate to do but that ED makes me do. Basically he uses the same argument all the time. If you don’t do this you will get more calories and gain even faster than you already are. And you know what. He’s right. I will be getting more calories. Now I don’t know about gaining more rapidly, but once I get back in recovery the goal will be weight gain.

So yes, I will gain weight. But guess what? I will be free. And guess what else. My metabolism, fueled by the added wood (food) added to the fire (the metabolism) will speed up and then I will eat this amount, stop gaining, and have to get an increase. And then ED won’t be able to yell and I will be completely free. Worth a little gain? I think so.

So here we go and I hope it helps you all too. I broke it up based off the food group because I struggle with aspects for all of them. In the end though I now see the power in food and something crucial. Doing these things will mean more calories but also more freedom. My metabolism will adjust to more calories and I will maintain on my meal plan and need more as my N says. Therefore I can deal with the more calories. My life won’t adjust to all the sudden give me more freedom though or make this less scary. So I HAVE TO do this. My metabolism will adjust on its own…but ED’s control..it will only move if I shove ED over by doing the next right thing.

Frut/Veg

You have no need to weigh fruit, you can just freely cut it. Count an apple as an apple, banana as banana…no weight needed.

You don’t need to restrict or weigh your veggies. Why?

Fruits and veggies are both amazing sources of vitamins, including antioxidants A, D, and E which are amazing to help you beat cancer. The more fruit/veg, the more vitamins and stronger your body is to fight cancer! They also have flavonoids which reduce the risk of heart disease and cancer!

You have no need to fear fruits and veggies. Why?

You only fear them because of higher calories, but the ones you fear are usually amazing sources of phytochemicals.  Need proof?

Broccolli: carotenoids (antioxidants prevent cancer), suforaphane and dithiolthiones (block    carcinogen damage)

Tomatoes, carrots: carotenoids again!

Grapes, prunes, other fruits: Caffeic acid (excretes carcinogens), ferulic acid (removes nitrates)

So don’t fear these foods…just find out why they are so good and what they provide and be happy they are protecting you!

Proteins

You don’t have to cut your protein to exactly 3 oz when your serving is 3-4 oz. You don’t have to restrict tuna or make sure it’s a divet in the ½ cup bowl. Why? Protein is super important. It provides essential amino acids that your body has to get from the diet. More protein means more amino acids! It provides building materials for everything in body. Its needed for transportation in body. And lastly…you put so much work into cycling class but to repair and grow those muscles and other tissues you have to have protein! SO if you weigh your fish and its 3.5 oz heck even if it’s 4 oz don’t get scared instead celebrate all the extra benefits you get.

Carbohydrates

You don’t need to eat fiber one or other high-fiber items. Why?

You already eat a plant-based diet with fruits and veggies. You get NATURAL fiber no need for extra. Also, you don’t need high fiber. High fiber might be needed if you have high cholesterol issues, but you don’t because you are afraid of animal-based fats and thus don’t get them in your diet. So no worries for cholesterol and no worries for fiber.

You don’t need to be scared of carbs that are higher cal or need to eat lower-carb/diet items.  You don’t have to weigh your carbs or spill them to leave behind a few peas. Why?

More calories means more nutrients and carbs..they are power packed! Carbohydrates are source of immediate energy through glucose (who needs energy drinks..I got carbs!) and reserved energy through glycogen for my workouts and just those long days. Not only that, but carbs are the brains preferred fuel source. You need 130g carbs minimum just for brain to function! So yes..you may get slightly more cals…probably insignificant…but what is significant is all the energy and freedom you will get too!

You don’t need to weigh your bagels or tear them to perfect size. Why? Sure it may have slightly more calories, but may have slightly less. In the end it all balances out and if it is a larger bagel just means more nutrients and more of the benefits seen above. More energy, better brain function, more reserves so you can keep kicking ass!

You don’t need to fear or avoid beans. Why? Beans are awesome and not only provide benefits of proteins, carbs, and fiber but also have several phytochemicals that fight cancer! Think I’m lying..nope. Protease inhibitors slow tumor growth, phytoesterols prevent colon cancer, isoflavones reduce risk of breast and ovarian cancers, and saponins prevent cancer cell multiplication. So bring on the beans!

Fats

Last, but certainly not least and the thing I have always, always struggled with. You do not need to restrict fats, spill fats, or choose low-fat options for fat exchanges. You don’t need to avoid peanut butter your favorite food. Why? First off, fats don’t make you fat, but you don’t believe that I know. So instead here is what I can gurantee you fat does do. Amazing things. Fats provide an energy reserve especially when stored. That’s right..you need to store fat. But don’t let ED get you…fats are crucially used so you won’t store them all. Fats insulate the body from temperature extremes. That’s right..you won’t freeze in the summer and have to wear hoodies all the time if you eat some fats. They protect the organs from shock from running, jumping, or any sudden movements. In fact without enough fat, your organs aren’t held in place and just jostle around so every step you take you are risking your organs hitting too hard and being damaged. And lastly…all those carbs and protein you worked so hard to face….they can’t be used by the body efficiently without fat. And the fat-soluble vitamins A, D, E, and K from these food can’t be absorbed at all without fat. Don’t let your hard work go to waste..eat your fats. Real fats, full fats, fabulous fats.

I hoped this helped you all as much as it did me. I honestly think this is a technique I will use if I know a freedom food will be too scary. I will ask my N what it provides me and then will let that be the focus, not whatever ED is yelling about. Love you all!

What of these was most suprising to you?

How can you use this to fight your ED or to make your diet even more power-packed?

Email or comment me J

The Little Balloon that Could...and Did

Jan 15, 2013

So tonight I did a balloon release for my dad. I thought it would be freeing and a cool experience, little
did I know my dad had a whole lesson in it for me. It all started with my balloon. My balloon..tied with all my insecurities and struggles…a little representation of me…this is its story.

I released the balloon expecting it to fly away with all the others that floated freely to the sky, but things didn’t work out that way. My little balloon and two others got stuck in a tree. The other balloons floated away in peace….freeing their holders of the captivity of what they wrote. But mine…it got stuck. I could relate to the little balloon. As it watched its friends go on. Recover, laugh, be free. As it watched the other balloons flying free it reminded me of watching others around me recover, watching people in the dining hall eat whatever they want, and feeling stuck. Wishing I too could be free. But being held back, trapped in the branches of life, loss, and ED.

The other two balloons stuck behind almost gave up. Just hung themselves in the branches deeming life was just too hard. There was no reason to fight. But not my balloon. We all stood in wonder as it pushed through the branches. It got tangled up but then reversed itself. I could see it struggling. Trying to take lunges forward, but it was held back by the paper tied to it. Held back by the worries, insecurities, fear. But it kept fighting. It was so desperate to be free. It didn’t want to give up. This balloon was me. Fighting against life…trying to break free. Sometimes I make mistakes and get myself more stuck, but then I reverse and try another way…try again. But I keep being held back by my fear, insecurities, doubts.

We all watched and the others with me chuckled. They started to give up on the balloon. But I refused. I kept believing this balloon would break free. Then something amazing happened. In one final push..the paper moved and the balloon was freed. We all looked on in amazement. It showed me what perserverance and belief can do. The balloon just needed someone to believe in it…just one person and it had the strength to push one more time..one last time and be free.

The balloon took off. This was its chance for freedom, for victory, but the paper pulled it down, another tree came, and again it sat stuck. I know how it felt. I push so hard in recovery sometimes. Get up the courage and strength to face my fears and commit to recovery, then something comes along whether it be the 90 lb mark, unforeseen death of my dad, stress, whatever branches life puts out in front of me and I get stuck.

Honestly in that predicament the balloon was exactly where I am right now. I just feel so tired of fighting..I just keep getting stuck. Life keeps happening. ED seems the thing to cling onto, but all that is doing…clinging to ED…is getting me stuck in the tree. I watched the little balloon. I didn’t want to give up on it…honestly..because I didn’t want to give up on myself. If that balloon stayed stuck what would it mean for me? That I really can’t let go of all these things? That I won’t be free.

My friends dispersed and it started to get cold. I stared at the balloon…wished it luck…begged it to break free…and left it to go to dinner with my friend. It sounds silly but it hurt to leave the balloon there..stuck and desperately fighting. Why? Because I felt it was me…giving up on myself. But I walked away…having hope the balloon would find the strength to fight. That someone…something would come along and break it free. This is where I am now too. People are moving on, life is moving on…and I’m still stuck and fighting and I feel so alone. I know I have friends and family supporting me, but still without their physical presence…without the physical presence of my dad…I just feel alone.

I enjoyed the time with my friend but still I thought of that little balloon…out there in the dark..alone. Was it still fighting? Was it free? Had it given up? It was so hard to leave it alone, but there was nothing I could do to help it.

After dinner I went back to my dorm and as I passed the tree where I had left the balloon I wearily looked up. All I saw was sky. That’s right..no balloon. I even looked nearby on the ground to see if it had popped and fallen. I looked to the trees nearby sure it had gotten snagged somewhere else. But it was nowhere to be found…it was free. Tears started to well in my eyes.

You see this balloon had struggled, been trapped, broken free only to be stuck again and again. To have life and ED hold it back. Finally people left it…moved on with their lives hoping, praying it would be free but knowing there was nothing they could do. This balloon…left alone..it found its own strength. It kept fighting. It never gave up. It didn’t let anyone or anything tell it it couldn’t be free. That it wasn’t strong enough of good enough. And left there alone…it relied on its ownstrength…it fought for itself..it fought for what it wanted. Not to prove anything to anyone because no one was there. But just to be free..because that was it wanted. It fought for itself not for anyone else. And it was in that moment…alone…being strong in itself…it broke free.

 This is me. I am here…I have a N, I have friends, I have family. They are praying and hoping for my recovery..but I am sitting here..alone. I have to do this for myself. For my dreams. For ME.

The branches aren’t gonna move…life will keep happening.

The paper won’t fall…ED and fears will still be there.

No one is going to climb up and save me…I just have myself and my God.

But if I keep fighting….if I fight for me and rely on the strength of my God…I will have that final push I need to be free. I will get that final gust of wind and break free. I don’t need someone cheering me on. I don’t need (though I want) my dad physically there. I just have to know people are hoping in me…I have to believe in myself..fight for my dreams…and I will be free. Life will try to hold me back, fear will try to hold me back, but I have the fight and strength to be free.

And in the end…when I do break free…people will come back expecting to see me stuck just like I did with the balloon. They will look in amazement when they don’t see me where I was. They will look on the ground wondering if maybe life got to much, but they won’t find me there. They will look to the other trees…sure I got stuck somewhere else. They won’t find me there. Then they will look to the sky, see the shining star and realize that is where I am…I am free. And my hope and prayer is in realizing I broke free they will realize they can break free too. They will realized their strength and the strength of God and they will start to fight. They will learn from me as I have learned from this balloon. They will see they are the little balloon that could…and they will be the little balloon that did.