Loss of Friend, New Lease on Life

April 24, 2014    In memory of Josh

I found out tonight my co-worker, one who had become a father to me, died suddenly last night. He went to go hiking at the quarry (something my dad would have done) and drowned. So suddenly someone so amazing is snatched from the earth and it made me realize how precious life is. In an instant, one single instant…it can all be over. Will you have made an impact? Will you have made each day count? Or will you have let fear, anger, etc control you and rob you of precious time?

That’s what I thought after the initial shock. I just thought how I don’t want to die having wasted another moment. A moment to face a fear, or make someone laugh, or save someone’s life. I want each day to matter and to take each moment when I get craving something even if fear food or fear behavior as an opportunity for progress and just do it. No questions asked. Because if getting prompting, then God probably wants me to do it and it’s perfect time.

Tonight, through my dizziness, pain, exhaustion, and tears after a long shift without Josh. I got a craving. Applesauce. Been craving it but tonight couldn’t ignore it. Between the exhaustion, dizziness, and pain in my legs I couldn’t ignore it. All I wanted was to eat damn applesauce. And yet I couldn’t.

But then I thought. What if this is them. Whose them? Josh and my dad. What if they are in Heaven cheering me on. Knowing I can face my fears. Believing in me and wanting the best for me. So they are double teaming me, interceding for me, and not leaving me alone till I face applesauce. Josh and my dad were such foodies. And they were amazing dad’s. And they always wanted what was best for me. So I know this was them. Pestering me. Not letting me back down. Not tonight.

So tonight this is for them. For Josh. In his honor. I will face my fears, claim this moment, and be free. I won’t let this moment go to waste, because I never know if it will be my last.

I can see the high five between Josh and my dad now. Hope I made them proud. Thank you pops for saving me again, for giving me the courage I needed, and for not backing down until I did what was right. Thank you God for the strength to do what was right. Thank you God for another day, another moment, another chance. I love you all. This is for you.

Enough is enough

April 16^th, 2015

Well, now anorexia impacting my work. I am seeing truth to what my mom told me: whatever you put before recovery you will lose. Did it with work, and now, because of meal timing, I am having to call into work late tomorrow. Because I was so scared to eat early, because I didn’t prioritize my time, I am finishing meal plan and not getting in bed till 4 am. So there was no way I was taking another only 2-3 hour sleep night. Because that’s led me to fall asleep during the day. I am now unable to get up in time for work. And then at night I am too exhausted and anxious for school work because of meal timing. Things HAVE TO change. Now that classes are coming to an end, it is time I put on the recovery focus.

I have come to admit I have developed a kind of night eating syndrome as  a result of anorexia-based fears. I have started to put exercise before eating, but have decided it’s not bad because I still get things in. Well, when you aren’t eating till 10 pm at night….things are bad. When it is impacting your work, things are bad. When you are up eating at 4 am when you just want to be asleep things are bad. When you want with everything in you to be done eating by 12 am and can’t do it because of fear, things are bad. So no more excuses. I used to live by the rule nothing after 8 pm and would cram everything in early. Then things somehow shifted and now I am here. I got myself here…..or well I guess ED did, but God and me are gonna get myself out. I have hit my rock bottom.

So I am putting this out there for accountability and for myself. Starting Monday I will aim to get everything done by 2 AM, then starting Thursday be at 1 AM. This will happen, because it has to. My life, my joy, my sleep….me….depend on it. Too tired to type anymore. Night.

Perfect (Timed) Love Casts Out All Fear

So today ED deemed a bad day. Before it even started it was going to be a bad day and I certainly wouldn’t be doing any challenges. In fact, ED deemed that today would be the day I threw away my over 400 days of adhering to a meal plan. Today was going to be his day. And I am sorry to say it almost was.

I went through the day cutting down myself, my body, food, and even others (sorry C.J. and Kim). I have been sick with strep all week and the exhaustion and rest (which ED deems laziness) that brought has been very hard. Add in the fact today I overheard people cutting me down in class (I was attending class via Zoom and students didn’t know I was there) and I was just ready to be done. I went to the gym to get out my frustrations, and found pure bliss there.

I left and was happy but still didn’t really want to eat. I tried to read a God-inspired book in the gym, but didn’t get any words to comfort me. I felt lost. Usually I feel some prompting, but I just felt nothing (of course looking back I never prayed…maybe asking God would have been best). But then something perfect happened, all in God’s timing.

First, my amazing warrior friend Claire text me and updated me on all the amazing vicotries she is having in treatment, I thought about her, about the struggles we have been through together. About how much I desired the joy and freedom I read in her texts,….and I decided there was no reason I had to go to treatment to face my fears. I could do it out here. So a little spark started. Still I was scared and figured I would just start doing challenges tomorrow if things turned out right.

But God wasn’t done with me yet. The next text to roll through my phone, one from my Bubba. Now you have to understand. My brother has always meant everything to me. He helped raise me, he protected me from abuse when I was younger, and his words at my dad’s funeral saved my life. All because he said he loved me and didn’t want me to be the next one dead. And his text tonight, it saved my recovery.

He simply was telling me he was going to get an ED recovery symbol tattoo in my honor. Something so permanent, for me? I was so overwhelmed with curiosity and joy, I called him. What followed was just a simple conversation. Just us updating each other on our lives and just simply talking. I haven’t spoken to him in months. And this, this simple phone call, it was everything I needed. I felt my brother cheering me on, believing in me, and being proud of me. I wouldn’t let him down.

So I got back to my apartment and set at it, not only finishing my meal plan, but doing it without ED behaviors I usually use. No skimpking, no spilling seeds, and no choosing safe foods. Faeed corn on the cobb, butternut squash, and a HUGE pita. Later on faced pasta and mushrooms and even honey Dijon almonds. Why? Because there was no way this was a coincidence. These were God-incidences. God-incidences of love. And Love has power. Love casts out fears. Love makes a way. And, tonight, as on the first Easter, LOVE SAVES!

April 5: He is Risen, Death (and ED) have been Defeated

April 5, 2014    HAPPY EASTER

I must say this easter wasn’t what I wanted or expected. I was diagnosed with strep on Saturday and had to spend today in total isolation. I was miserable and kept crying and sleeping.  Mix of missing family, missing dad, and missing feeling well. I really, really hate being sick. I also have never had strep and never been in that much pain. I literally have been too exhausted to do anything.

Anything that is except for obsess about steps. I knew I wouldn’t let myself rest till I got my steps so I forced my body to pace the whole building. Worst mistake ever made and just exhausted me further. Old me would have beat myself up and called it a failure of day and thrown in towel…but today I forgave myself…admitted my mistake…and pressed on. And that is when I decided I was going to celebrate Him. I was going to praise Him and the freedom He has given me. And that’s when it became a marathon of Fear Foods! Including Dessert! Here we go!

Lunch: Fear Food conquered was vegan burger. I always force self to do same old tuna every day, but I wanted something different I did much higher calorie option. Throat hurt so I also allowed heated up pears! And oatmeal! IT was terrifying, but empowering too.

Dinner: Dinner came and I didn’t skimp any portions. I had let my body down with exercise and refused to do it with portions. Fear food conquered was applesauce. Warm applesauce sounded so good and I allowed it! I also did a larger tortilla than normal.

Snack: I added extra almonds just to get to the right portion instead of settling for 1 g less. I also added in the breakfast parts I missed and didn’t spill any oatmeal!

Dessert: This dessert…let me tell you how many scary things. Did the whole pint of fro-yo at right weight, did large amount banana, added hot cocoa to get calorie requirement, and ate the whole package of M&M even though weighed a gram more than supposed to. In end just didn’t seem would glorify God to remove a single M&M when most people don’t measure pre-packaged items and I desire not to either. How else will I eat a dessert or snack or something when don’t have scale or its battery dies or something.

So in the end, I forgave my sins and trespasses earlier in the day as I asked God to forgive them. Then I stepped out in His freedom, a freedom provided to me by the empty tomb. May have been a different kind of Easter, may have been lonely without my family, but I think this is the exact Easter God wanted for me and the exact freedom He desires for me every day.

April 1: ED's the Fool

Wed April 1    ED will be the Fool

Well today didn’t go as planned…well there actually wasn’t a plan, but it definitely was beyond my expectations. I get asked on date, got a lot of schoolwork done, and made big impact in class I am in. Then….I got a craving. A scary scraving. An earth shattering, recovery revolutionizing craving. It’s gonna seem small to some but it was huge to me. I was craving a vegan burger….for LUNCH.

Why such a big deal? Well every day probably for past two years, only been allowed tuna at lunch. All I allowed myself. And never the proper portion. Well if I did a vegan burger I would be having to get the right portion and knowingly take in more calories. But I am tired of my lunch having to be one thing. I am tired of being restricted in what  I can do at lunch all because I won’t get right portion. And I am just tired of ED. IT’s one of those days. I want to be free, truly free…and I knew what that would take. IT would mean eating the burger. Not just that…it would mean eating the burger with soup like I was craving and not compensating at gym or through other restriction. IT would mean fear, anger, and trust.

I wish I could say the decision was easy. I wish I could say I took my motivation and went with it.

But that’s not how it went. Instead I reached out to others…trying to get someone to force me to do it. Trying to get anyone to tell me I had to. But no one responded. Lunch time came and no one was there. IT was just me, God, and a decision.

So what did I do? I did the only thing I knew was right. I got the burger. Why? Not because someone told me to. Not because scale told me to. Not because it was a good time. Not even because I was hungry because I wasn’t. I did it because of hope. I did it because I want to get better. I did it because I want to have freedom in lunch choices. I want to give recovery a chance. I knew the only way I would ever break free of the restriction I do at lunch was by doing a challenge like this. No…it wasn’t the perfect time situationally. I was terrified and my mind was screaming not to do it. But it was the perfect time in that I was craving it, I had it, and I had no one to force me to do it. It would mean making the hard decision by myself…just like I have been saying I need to do for lasting recovery. So here it is….here is my lunch:

I was terrified. Eventually people texted in support, but I got through this meal just trusting God, crying at times, and praying. Praying and hoping. Knowing it wasn’t going to feel right, but know it was right. Knowing it was my only chance at change. Things aren’t going to change and I will never be free until I mix leaps and big changes amidst little changes too. I want to be normal. I want to be able to have sandwiches with friends for lunch. I want to be able to say “Yes, let’s go to lunch” when co-workers invite me. I want to be able to go on lunch dates, not just coffee dates. I want to be free. And this burger..as silly as it sounds…is a start. Because I am taking a chance. Yes, ED says I will regret it…and maybe I will, but I would have regret never knowing, never trying, never seeing that God can give me the strength and wisdom to make the hard decisions so much more. Fingers crossed…just feel this is gonna pay off.