Wed Jun 10, 2015
Well today I got devastating news. My THIRD drug screen for
my internship at Cornerstone, one thing in life I wasn’t stressed about….came
back diluted again. I figured I would just have to go in for another one.
Instead I was informed that they will no longer be taking me on as an intern. I
was and still am beyond devastated. This was my dream placement. This is where
I felt my calling was. In fact, the day I got the news this was my placement I
finally felt I had made it. That life was coming together and my dream, my
calling was coming into place.
When I got the phone call it was after a great day. Things
coming through for car to replace my totaled one from wreck, amazing first
shift at Cracker Barrel, and made a 98 on my exam after only 3 hours of sleep.
I was feeling on talk of the world and in just hearing the news, it all came
crashing down. First instinct was anger at God and feelings of failing Him,
failing my calling. I was beating myself up, blaming myself. Yet I didn’t do
anything wrong. I can’t explain the diluteness and I beat myself up like others
do saying it was from my ED, but I couldn’t find the connection. Because it’s
not due to anything. It’s just a shitty experience. And I really, truly cant
explain it. To have your doctors say you are dehydrated and then drug test to
say you are drinking too much water just makes no sense. Either way, I needed
to stop blaming myself.
I called my mom and cried. I tried to come up with a
solution and I just couldn’t. I felt myself getting madder and madder at God.
Completely failing to trust Him. All I saw was devestation. I had in one second
gone from a high, from feeling on top of the world, to suddenly being in the
pits and I blamed God. My mom told me she was in prayer and honestly it pissed
me off. The last person I wanted to trust or rely on was God. Especially when I
cried out to God and just got the answer that maybe Cornerstone wasn’t where He
wanted me.
But it seemed so
perfect. A 12-step treatment center for drugs and alcohol. Seemed like my dream
placement. I mean sure, I want to work with people with eating disorders moreso
than drugs and alcohol, but was beginning to believe , invest, and be excited
for drugs and alchol treatment too. Then that was gone. So how could this
perfect place not be God’s calling. And if it was, why had I managed to wreck
it?
That’s when radio blasted with these lyrics:
“He’s gonna
turn it into something different
He’s gonna
turn it into something good,
He’s gonna
take all the broken pieces,
And make it
something beautiful like only He could.”
I believe in coincidence, sure. But to be told people are praying
for you, to send out a desperate text for help, and then for those to be the
lyrics coming from the radio….and for my attention to be drawn to them…that I
call a God-incidence. No…that I call a miracle.
- Because it made me think. I mean the song was right. This was the time I needed to give it to God….to give it over to the one who has come through time and time again. Even through devestation.
- · I lost my dad…was devastated…felt world was crashing around me. Yet because of it I have grown stronger, my faith had grown, and my relationship with my mom is healing. And I have learned from it so I can help others. Gaining experience no class can teach me.
- · Lost my job at Calhoun’s. Devestated. And yet today at Cracker Barrel I felt on top of the world. Loved, cared for, and supported. They called me family. And they have taken me in. And I have learned to value money less, and relationship more.
- · I get in car wreck and wreck my body. Again…devastated. Yet, I learned how to get and negotiate my own car deal. I again got closer to my mom. I had to rely on God. And it caused me to re-focus on recovery.
- · And now news from Cornerstone. Have to be placed somewhere else. Devestated……but if I follow this pattern, God will bring good from it.
So no, I don’t have the answers. I don’t know why my dad
died, I lost my job, I got in wreck. I don’t know why devestation occurs. And I
don’t know if God intends it or causes it. But my experience and that song have
shown me, when devestation does happen, when darkness falls in and your life
falls apart. He will be there with blessings, to mend your broken heart, and to
bring you to places you never dreamed.
So maybe Cornerstone wasn’t my calling. Maybe God has
something better for me that I was too closed off to see. Because I thought I
had the answers. I’m still scared and angry and frustrated and upset, but I am
trusting anyway. Trusting, hoping, and praying He has this. Because, at this
point, that’s all I know to do.
Jess.
