July 30, 2015 NEW GOALS TERRIFIED
I a terrified more than words can express right now.
Nutritionist gave me three new goals I helped pick and I am terrified because
actually doing them.
1.
Fix meal timing (this one not as scary)
2.
Only allowed 8,000 steps a day when been doing
10,000
3.
Proper portions (especially with starch, fruit,
veggie in effort to move towards no food scale use with them)
I am okay with 1 and semi-okay with 3 as I know 1 won’t
cause weight gain and 3 is something I desperately want. I want to see if food
causes weight gain or if I can eat normal and only way to do that and to one
day not have food scale is to get proper portions.
It’s 2 I am struggling with. I only got 8925 steps today.
Not even 9000. Didn’t workout and I just feel guilt. And defeat. Like I failed.
I know from what I’ve been learning from workbook I need to have the feelings
and do it anyway, but I want the feelings to go away. I want to see strength in
choosing to not do steps instead of shame. Because it takes a lot more power
not to pace than to walk laps around building. I am just so scared.
I know there is potential by limiting steps to see I don’t
need to count them. I mean heck didn’t count them in past and lsot weight. But
I am scared since exercising less now, if I don’t count the steps I will just
end up gaining, ED will be right, and I will forever have to monitor steps. It’s
easier not facing it because then at least could hold onto hope that less steps
won’t make me gain, but ifI face fear, I find out for sure. I am just so
scared. I don’t want ED to be right.
I am also scared because nutritionist keeps saying I can’t do
steps right now because of body weight and all that. Well, I don’t want to get
used to being lazy and feeling freedom in that, then reach goal weight and all
the sudden have to start restricting intake and exercising more to maintain
weight. This is always the most triggering part of treatment for me. When meal
plan reduces or have to increase exercise because it makes me feel like that
little kid again. The one put on diets. But there is nothing I can do now. I
didn’t get 10,000 steps and its after midnight, so (in my ED mind) I have
failed, but I know in recovery mind and recovery world this was a success. That
Katherine would give this a Yeehaw! And dad would be proud. Still, I feel
guilt, shame, and fear, but just having to push through them. Let them be
there, and move on. IT sucks, but as learned in treatment, if it doesn’t feel
like shit you aren’t doing it right.
