Committing to Recovery, God, My Readers, and Myself

Hey guys. First off, happy Friday. Anyone else not think today would ever come? Well I didn't....and now I am wishing it would have stayed away for a little bit.....because today was my lovely nutritionist session. This first part is basically a summary of that craziness, but if you don't have time to read all that feel free to jump down to the breakthrough section.

At first I was so excited about this session. I have been doing good the past few days....not perfect...but as close to it as I have been ever. I have been getting full portion fats despite them being increase and have been eating full portions without tearing (minus the episode on Wednesday). I was so nervous to weigh-in and face reality....

Well wanna know what reality was....I didn't gain anything. All of this fear....all these thoughts of ballooning and nothing. I had a brief moment of freedom....like chains fell off. I can eat more fat and it doesn't do anything....what?! You mean all this time I have lived in fear of this thing and its actually fine to have it. And I mean a lot of it....like more exchanges of it that I have ever had in treatment. Yes...that was my reality.

But then it was time to do the hard work and set goals for this upcoming week (well actually just till Wed because that's my next appointment). My nutritionist and I talked about a lot of things first before we got down to it. I asked her if she ever had an ED patient actually gain outpatient and she told me she has, but they all were super motivated. We talked about how I still need to find my motivation ....lasting motivation. Not motivation out of fear of the hospital, death, or anything fear-based which lasts about a week and then fizzles. And not generic motivation that's worked for others but not for me (ie having kids, feeling beautiful, etc). I need a motivation all my own and I need to carry it with me and remember it....gonna throw around some ideas this weekend, but I think my motivation really is going to be to inspire others (will write more about this later).

Then we finally got down to the nitty gritty. And my nutritionist went crazy. She has decided not to significantly change my meal plan as I still struggled a bit this past week to fully meet some exchanges (didn't realize portions were wrong because I've been doing them wrong for so long). But she decided to get my focus off of my meal plan it was time to hit my Freedom Foods hard to set my attention on that. This has worked really well in the past, because I have so much anxiety around those that my meal plan seems easy. So she grabbed my Freedom Food list and circled what she wanted me to do instead of letting me choose like has been the case in the past.

I was blown away, but realized this is what I need. I need her to just force me to do the uncomfortable (we talked and agreed about this too), but damn this is scary. When I got back to my room after having b-fast I had a bunch of questions in my mind I wanted to ask her, mostly about what some of the fear foods counted as, but I also surprised myself with a few questions.

One was how I can get over my fear of certain fruits. I mean they are fruits for crying out loud....how can I preach recovery when I can't even accept all fruits. I mean I know it's just part of the numbers game in my head and that all fruits are fine for me, but I just can't accept that. I meant to suggest doing a certain number of the scary ones per week, but accidentally typed per day....and my nutritionist now has me doing two of the scary ones a day.

I also asked about exchanges I knew were wrong in my head, but was hoping she would tell me were alright for right now, but thanks to me being in a place where mentally my team thinks I can and desire to face my fears....I don't get to count them the semi-safe way.

My mind took off. Hell no she couldn't do this to me. I would just pretend I didn't see the e-mail. This weekend I would just do my own thing since I don't have to send food diaries anyway. I would just do some of the Freedom Foods. All of these ideas swarmed into my mind. So I shot my nutritionist yet another e-mail (yes I annoy her a lot.....probably too much but oh well) explaining all my fears and how I just couldn't face them.

Breakthrough

She then reminded me of some things I had told her in our session just a few hours before (before ED invaded my brain). In Renfrew, I was never allowed to count fat exchanges in my meals so I couldn't do it now...they have to be addable. Also at Renfrew there was an amazing therapist who would tell us if you aren't feeling anxious yet then you aren't doing something right.....you are skimping your meal plan somehow. She was so right with that too, because if you are really fighting this ED it will fight back and its favorite weapon is fear. She also reminded me of my motivation and that I had said with God I am strong enough. 

That's when it hit me. I need to seriously commit to treatment. I need to stop trying to manipulate people into compromising. I am in outpatient TREATMENT which means it shouldn't be any different than inpatient or residential. What my professional treatment team says needs to go. I need to stop trying to get them to meet me where I am comfortable and instead need to start getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. That means accepting the challenges of my team and letting myself feel whatever is the consequence of those actions.

You see I have said I am "recovering" but really I am realizing I am still so much in my disorder. I am not in my full blow anorexia, but I am not in recovery either. I am in this weird in-between. It's come from pushing myself enough to feel a comfortable level of anxiety, but not completely giving into recovery. Whether that has come through getting my nutritionist to compromise (which we agreed today she would no longer do as I have proven that if she gives me an inch I take a mile), or not meeting my full meal plan, or tearing bagels, or making excuses to be more active....I have found ways to decrease my anxiety.

But what's my motivation? I want to be an inspiration to others. To my readers now, but also in future in my work. I want to be able to share my story (a passion God has laid on my heart...not sure if it will be through writing, or becoming a speaker....not sure) and let others know recovery is hard as hell, but its possible. That is doesn't matter how many times you have been to treatment, you can recover. But that means I need to start showing it. I need to stop talking about what the best thing is to do, and need to start actually doing it and letting you all know the honest feelings I am having.

So I responded to the e-mail yet again and said exactly this: "You are right. At Renfrew what nutritionist says goes....I need to commit. I need to focus on the end goal here....I can blog all about this victory too....and let people know its okay to do what seems completely wrong and anxiety provoking. I also tell everyone to listen to their dietitiain and follow their plan....so you are saying to do this and that its my plan....so I will. I need to be an example now, which means I have to do it. Actions speak louder than words. "

So that is what I plan to do. Starting right now, right here, I am committing  I am committing to you all to be a true example of recovery. To stop being afraid of failure and even of success and just do it. I am committing to do what is hard, what my brain says I can't, and let you all know how I get through and the honesty of how I am feeling. I am committing to you all and to myself to stop living in comfortable anxiety and instead begin learning how to get comfortable with anxiety. I am committing to stopping all the talk and instead turning it to action.

For me in treatment this means accepting my nutritionist goals and not asking for changes. It means not accepting my meal plan per se, but following it no matter what. Not treating it as suggestions, but as a contract. It means doing all the Freedom Foods I have planned, sticking to my exercise contract, and not restricting portions no matter what. It means doing anything other than my ED or other self-destructive behaviors to cope. It means crying, screaming, whatever.....just letting myself feel and not running behind ED for protection. It means running to hide behind God who is so much bigger than my ED and such a better shield.

This week is going to be hard, but I am going to do it. Classes may get in the way, but I am going to try and blog for my own sanity, but don't expect perfection. There may not even be pictures sometimes. There may not always be joy and positivity. They may be short, and sometimes may run on forever. I'm not sure, but I do promise there will be honesty. Pure, healing honesty. The truth that will show what recovery takes, but also will show that it is possible. I hope you will join me on this journey, but understand if some of you need to turn away. I love you all.

Now I am off to do my first challenge. A turkey burger I got my nutritionist agree last semester to count as protein and 2 fat exchanges, but she told me (thanks to me asking through e-mail) that now it is only protein. I tried desperately to get her to change back to doing it the comfortable way, but she wants me to push through. That is her ruling and it will stand. So I will commit to treatment. This is the beginning of my commitment....I hope you will join me.

As free as a....5-year old?

"Raise your hand if you can paint a picture." That is the statement Craig Zablocki made as the intro speaker for my job training. It was the beginning of a talk that would shake my life and recovery to the core. 

It took me no time to decide not to raise my hand. Can I paint a picture? Hell no. I have always wished I could paint a picture, but I suck at painting. As I looked around the room I saw about 10 hands out of the 300 there in the air. I was not alone in my decision...I was just surrounded by a lot of others who couldn't paint. We are RAs for goodness sake, not artists. Bulletin boards....we got that...painting....not so much. 

Then Craig said something that made me stop and think. He said, "If I were to walk into a kindergarten class and ask the same question, how many hands would shoot up." Answer: all of them. I took a moment and reflected on this. At the young age of 5....I knew I could paint. I could draw. I could do freaking anything I wanted. And when I was 5 I was right....now I was wrong. 

You see Craig then asked us if someone offered us a full ride scholarship to paint a picture could we do it? Again I knew the answer:heck yes. It might not be a pretty picture, but I could paint a picture. So somehow my 5 year old brain had it right and this 20 year old one just made me lie. This started a stream of thoughts and breakthroughs through Craig's guidance and my own reflections. 

Why Stop at Painting

I began to reflect on this example of painting and realized it went into ED so perfectly. If someone were to walk up to me right now and offer me a cupcake or any sweet for that matter I would push it away. My mind would be filled with fears of what it would do to my weight, what people would think, how many calories and fat grams were in it, why the person offered me a cupcake in the first place, if they thought I was fat. In the end, there would be no cupcake. 

But when I was in Kindergarden....even though that's when my ED started....had someone walked in and offered the class cupcakes heck yeah I would have be in for that. All I would be thinking about is how good it would taste and that free ring in the top (cupcakes always have them). I would think about how I would eat all the icing, probably get some on my nose, and share tons of laughs with friends. There would be no thought of my body or judgements, just the cupcake. And in the end I would enjoy the treat....like any 5 year old would. 

So what happens between the innocence of a 5-year old and the time of adulthood. Why do we go from knowing we are capable of anything (as a 5-year old I even thought I could grow up to be a lion) to questioning our ability to do something as simple as paint a picture? How do we go from allowing ourselves our cravings to questioning our cravings will affect our bodies? The answer: we begin to live in fear of others judgements. We have experiences, communications, and relationships that tell us we aren't good enough, aren't pretty enough, that others opinions matter. And as those experiences add up, we begin to live in fear of other's judgements, and with that we judge ourselves. 

But if we were to relinquish that fear. If we were to let ourselves have the mind of a 5-year old again. To live in the moment and not take ourselves so seriously.....perhaps we could be free of this self-judgmental decision making and find our real potential. In the moment, nobody's opinions matter because they come after the fact (if they even come at all). If we don't take ourselves so seriously then we can laugh at others judgement, because they don't matter. Life becomes about experiences and not evaluations. 

Craig revealed even more about breaking through this fear, but tonight I have some 20-year old things I have to take care of (thank you classes beginning....ugh) and you know what this means.....this post is to be continued and you are going to have to come back :) Don't get frustrated with the anticipation, live in the excitement of the anticipation like a sleepless 5 year old the night before a field trip. 

Oh, and for more about Craig and to even read his blog check out http://www.craigzablocki.com/blog/. Really, this guy is amazing. What he says is so simple, but so groundbreaking. Let's go back to the carefree spirit of our 5-year old selves. The little child still inside each of us. The child trapped by the pressure the "adult world" seemed to bring. The child waiting for us to come and set it free. And we have the key, the key is courage, the key is strength, the key is hope that we can feel that way again. But more about that (hopefully) tomorrow :) 

What would your 5-year old self want for you now? What is holding you back from that?

Freedom Friday 5: Part 2 (aka the foods)

So here it is....and it's a jam packed one. Here are all the Freedom Foods I did to kick off 2013 :)

Starting things off are these Van's Lite Waffles. These used to be a go-to b-fast for me and then somehow they got scary (yeah...wonder whose to blame for that....ED!). But I enjoyed them one morning at home as a way to get me out of my routine b-fast (I alternate between two). They were really good and I remembered why I used to enjoy them so much. Maybe one day I will even have syrup with them.

 During the New Year's Eve Festivities my family enjoyed some "real" desserts as they call them. These included chocolate dipped pretzels and cookies, but I am just not ready for that leap just yet. But I did a double freedom food whammy and had Arctic Zero (half container) AND Rice Krispy Treat. Decided you all needed to see more than just the container so there is an action shot taken in the middle of enjoying this treat :)

Next up was this dinner which I wanted so bad, but was so scared of. Lookin at it now, it looks really healthy and colorful. To me, the more colorful a dish the better I feel about eating it....weird I know. Anyway, this was Fat Free Refried beans (sodium fear) in a tortilla with the appropriate amount of guac (something I tend to restrict portions on). Served with 1/2 cup corn, 1 cup strawberries, and unpictured is a salad with dressing as well as a yogurt cup. This was a meal I really had to ask for support on in finishing because I was so scared to complete portions.

Back to School

Despite being thoroughly scared about returning to school, I have managed several freedom foods since coming back on Tuesday. First off, Fat Free Fig Newtons. These were once my favorite snacks at treatment, but then they got scary. My goal is to soon do a real fig newton pack....the full fat kind. In fact, I bought some at Walgreens this past week and they are just waiting for me to get gutsy. But really, I freaking love Fig Newtons. Have weird way of eating them though. I eat the edges, then top crust, then filling, then bottom crust. I tried a "real" bite of one and it just wasn't the same :p

And you all know how scared I was to eat in the dining hall. Well....my first dinner in the hall I did a freedom food that also hit one of my semester goals of trying a new dining hall food....ladies and gents I present.....UGA Ginger Jasmine Rice. This was very scary for me....rice is a huge fear food, and I only did a 1/2 cup portion for 1 starch exchange. Hope to one day be able to allow myself a whole cup....but baby steps. Anyway, this was amazing! It was spicy and tasted different than any rice I have ever had. Will definitely be doing this again :) 

 Sometimes though we try Freedom Foods that we wished we would have let fear keep us from. Case and point: last night's Crunchy Peanut Butter Clif Bar. I really wanted to challenge myself to this one due to some of the numbers on it I am scared of and my constant fear of peanut butter. Let me just say, won't be having this again. There is no crunch, no peanut butter taste, and it's just really gooey. It didn't even have the normal enjoyment taste of a Clif Bar. Left me dissapointed and anxious....so I was not a happy or peaceful camper.

Leave it to UGA dining hall to save the day though. Yesterday I also did Shrimp Creole. I did this over a year ago in the dining hall, but they used tiny salad shrimp and I was not a fan. When I saw it on the menu again, my fear was first thing to pop up (anything in sauce freaks me out) and then a sigh of relief as I remembered I don't like salad shrimp and thus would never have to face this. Imagine my surprise when the salad shrimp I expected to see were replace by normal sized shrimp. Couple this with the salad bar not having tuna and thus me not having a protein source....and fate just wanted me to taste freedom. Let me just say I love fate sometimes. This was so spicy and even had a lingering bite. It was like my mouth was smoking. In fact, this was so good I forgot I was scared. I coupled it with a salad, sweet potato, melons, guac (love this in my sweet potatoe), dressing, and chocolate milk (not happy this is back on the meal plan). Okay, well I'm happy about chocolate milk, but ED isn't.




And that's all the freedom I had time for this week. To be honest, this upcoming week will probably be sparse on freedom too as I will be focusing on getting my meal timing and class schedule down. Plus actually devoting myself to my meal plan. But who knows....maybe the next freedom post will be a day in my life post and you all can see my meal plan through pics. We shall see :)

Did you find any freedom in 2013 yet? 

What old favorites do you want to try again? 

And I can't help but leave you with this pic of freedom.......

Facing the Fear of Weight Gain

Just wanted everyone to know I make a pretty good discovery at the end here :)

So first, let me ease all your fears....there will be no specific numbers in here, there will be a Freedom Friday Part 2 posted later, and I am hoping so more motivational posts can come soon. But right now I need to post what is good for me. I need to post the honesty and truth of recovery and today for me....that revolves around my fear of weight gain.

I have made two big strides today. Two items I usually tear and leave behind portions on I didn't do. I have this new app on my phone that is a countup instead of a countdown, and today is going to be Day 1 of no tearing. Gonna see how long I can go for. But here's the thing. It was a horrid struggle to eat these things and I wanted to know why?

Well after a lot of thinking and talking (okay, texting) it out...I realized it all comes down to this dang fear of weight gain I have. I understand I can't lose weight, because that's dangerous for me...but my mind is wrapped in this theory that I can maintain my low weight and be fine. Here's the reason. I got my labs back and they are completely normal. I have no problems with my bones (no osteopenia or anything). The only thing is my low body temp, low pulse, and low blood pressure...but I figure those aren't so bad. Also haven't had a period in a few years, but you never know that could come back. Okay....so maybe I'm not the example of perfect health...but nothing seems that alarming.  So what's wrong with where my weight is now? Why can't I just be allowed to maintain and not have to deal with this fear of weight gain? Why can't I just stay this low weight?

This is how I feel being underweight
 protects my heart. 

I don't know the answers to the above questions other than the fact that my team won't let me. So knowing that I am underweight and everyone wants me to gain weight....why can't I just gain weight and accept it? There are people out there trying to lose weight who would kill to be in my position. And, I mean I don't mind the way I look at a slightly higher weight, and I did have a brief moment where I saw my true size and got scared....but still I don't want to gain weight. I guess it all comes from being obese in childhood. In my mind, being underweight protects me from all the emotions I felt then.

People can't pick on me if I am underweight. They can't call me things no child should be called. They can't post signs on my back that say "Wide Load." They can't use words like knives to shred my heart, my soul, my being into tiny fragments. I don't have to feel the pain, I don't have to spend night after night crying, I don't have to worry if people think I'm fat (though I still do).

I guess that's what I'm scared of with gaining weight is what others will think. What will they think during the process? Will they think I have no control over food? That I'm disgusting? That I need to stop eating? I mean when you are the RA for a residence hall that's ALL GIRLS, you constantly have eyes on you and your body it seems. So what will my girls think? I mean I have been open with them that I am gaining weight....but they don't know the real reason why. Still, I wonder what they will think as I expand and get bigger and bigger.

And then there's the fear that it won't stop. That I will overshoot where my nutritionist wants me. That somehow I will end up overweight and then I will have to go back to restricting all over again. But if I get to stay underweight, my mind tells me I won't have that worry. But then again....I'm always scared of gaining which makes me still use some restrictive behaviors and constantly worry about food...so how am I any better off?

Another weird fear I have realized behind this gaining weight is that it won't take as much intake as it did before. I know...strange fear for an anorexic right. But I am just scared that I will get to my set weight and have to be constantly scared of eating too much and have to maintain a small intake in order to not gain weight. So being underweight gives me a buffer. Somewhat of an excuse to be able to eat more if I want. Granted I never do even when I want to...but the option is there. But if I gain weight I feel like I lose that option....that freedom of sorts.

And then there is the fear that it won't be controlled. That in a few weeks I will be at my goal weight when it is supposed to take around 6 months for me to do at the rate I agreed to. But what if it all just happens too fast and bam! I'm at my goal weight and people are looking and wondering what the hell happened. In my mind they will be thinking all the horrible things I already think about myself.

Search For Escape

As you can see the fear is overwhelming...and I doubt I'm alone. I've been surfing the web and reaching out to friends of mine in recovery to see how to make the fear go away so I can recover and the same response came. The only way to get over the fear is to start the weight gain process. It's not going to go away, you just have to feel it and push through. Then you start to realize people are HAPPY you are gaining weight, you feel better, the obsession with food becomes less, you feel more freedom to eat, and it happens in a controlled manner.

Well that's not the answer I wanted so I kept looking and looking. Trying to find one tiny scrap of evidence that I can make this fear go away and THEN start to gain weight. The internet was no help, all of my friends in recovery said weight gain leads to fear lessening. So I did the next best thing and went to my old journal. My mind told me this fear wasn't here when I was in treatment. So I read my old entries....well let me tell you the fear was there. Honestly it was there till the end but a little less...and want to know why? Because I gave into the plan and gained weight. Any time I would act on my behaviors the fear would get worse. If I found out I lost weight the fear of gaining would come back.

So I guess it's time I stop looking for the answer that is staring me in the face. Reality is I have to feel this fear, sit with how uncomfortable that is, and gain weight. True, I could maintain my weight, but I would lose my team, still have doctors telling me to go to a hospital, and some people tell me I would die. Even though I don't feel I would, I guess the sure way to prevent the death is by gaining weight.

I can spend the rest of my life putting all my energy into avoiding this fear and trying to maintain my weight and feeling the constant fear of my weight increasing or I can spend these next few months uncomfortable and fighting this disorder. Feeling the fear and anxiety, shedding a few tears, and gaining weight. Then I will get to my healthy weight and never have to worry about it again. I will be able to do whatever exercise I want to. I will be able to go to a doctor and not be scared of being sent to a hospital. I will be able to tell other people that gaining weight and recovering outpatient is possible.

I guess when I put it that way....well gaining weight seems a lot better than staying where I am. Gaining weight means an end to the anxiety, freedom from the fear of the hospital, staying in school, becoming an inspiration, letting others know recover is possible. Maintaining my weight means not having to feel the fear of actual weight gain yet living in constant anxiety of the idea of it, being scared of food, possibly dying, always being told I need to be in a hospital, and honestly I would eventually probably end up in a hospital where I would have to gain weight and wouldn't be able to leave or do it the way I want Yep....gaining weight looks pretty damn good right now.

So for any other people who are on weight restoration....let's agree to face not run from the fear. Let's grab hold of our inner strength, and grab hold of each other and fight this fight. Even if you aren't on restoration, take any of your fears. Facing them could bring relief....but running from them just seems to bring exhaustion. So today I am gonna take a step into the fear instead of turning away...anyone want to join me?

Freedom Friday #5 Part One

Part One? What does that mean. Well..I am struggling with something today and I want to use this Freedom Friday to blog a little about it. I need freedom to do that. To let my true self show, but I also have faced TONS of freedom foods this week, so part two will come but probably not till tomorrow. So on we go. Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble...it's just free flow.

Basically today I met with my N and had to tell her about the restricting I was doing over break. As I knew she would she told me to get back on my plan, but then she went a step further. She not only wants me to add back my snack and dairy I was restricting, but also wants me to add back the fat exchanges I took out a while ago. Well mental freakout started right then and because of work we didn't have any time to discuss it. Instead I had to go back to training which kept me distracted for a bit.....but training only lasted so long.

Back in my dorm, my mind spun with adding up the calories all these add backs meant. And with the fact that my N said there is a possibility my plan is too much, but we will never know until I actually get on it. My brain jumped to the idea that I would gain 5 lbs a week and when my N said we would have to wait a month to change anything, my mind freaked out that then I will have gained 20 lbs. I know, I know....not very logical, but what if it happened.

I know I only have to gain a lb a week and that's all I want, so I only wanted to add back enough exchanges to meet the calories to do that...and even that I don't want to do. So that means not adding back the fat exchanges. I can cope with the level of anxiety of doing this, but having to add back fat exchanges too....that just seems insurmountable. So I have a plan of action that will keep me comfortably anxious, but also on the road to weight gain. With this, plus school starting....I just don't know if I can handle much more.

But is that okay? Is it okay to be comfortably anxious. In treatment they didn't let us just skip a challenge because we were too anxious....we had to do whatever was assigned/given. Some days this meant anxiety so bad I would have full blown panic attacks and call screaming to my parents to book me a plane ride, but I coped....I coped and pushed through. And in the end I reached semi-recovery.....a lot closer to full recovery than I am now.

But here...outpatient...I don't know if I can handle it. But have I even earned the right to make decisions like this. I mean I haven't even proven I can gain weight at all, let alone that my body is even capable of the extreme ballooning I think will happen. For today, I am sticking to the modified plan I feel comfortable with...the one without the added fats. But I don't know how I feel about that.

If any of you were to come to me and tell me this same thing I would tell you to do the N plan and that the weight gain you think isn't possible, yet I can't apply that to myself. For myself I make excuses. I let fear control me. I hold myself back. I tell myself I just can't handle the anxiety, but yet I've never let myself feel it. So how do I know that I can't cope? Is doing this comfortable level of anxiety just holding me back from breakthrough?

I have a lot to think about I guess. For tonight I am just going to do the plan I decided on and allow myself to feel the anxiety that brings (along with the anxiety of eating 3 fear foods today). My plan was to get weight checked on Monday to make sure I am making progress (aka gaining weight) and if I am not then add the fats in. And you know what's weird? A huge part of me hopes that I am not gaining weight. That somehow my metabolism revs up and I actually need the fat exchanges.

I guess that's another one of my fears. That I don't need all this food. And if I go on the N plan and then have to get it reduced....I will just feel like that little girl being told to diet all over again. I know its weird for an anorexic to say, but I want to be able to eat more food. It's one of the things I had pride in being in treatment. I was on the highest meal plan in order to gain. It felt soooo good to have the lies in my head saying I needed to diet to be proven to be lies. But now I believe them again.

So part of me hopes that come Monday the idea of dieting will be shut down and I will see that my body can handle this plan. But that same part of me knows that won't happen. I can't possibly need this much food. But at least I will be fully doing a plan for once and can get on the road to trusting food....I just wish I needed more. The good news is my metabolism will kick in eventually and maybe one day I will need those fats.

It sucks to still be this obsessed with food. To not just be able to allow myself to eat these fats. I mean I want them...so why don't I just eat them. The answer is this damn fear tied to my weight. I just get so freaking frustrated with this. My weight isn't the end all, be all. It's not who I am. It's not what I want my life to be about. It's not something I really have any control over. It's a freaking number. You know what else is a number. My calcium level. That's a number I could get and judge myself on...but I don't. My shoe size is a number....but I don't measure it every day. I don't decided everything that I do with my foot in order to keep it stable. My temperature....same thing. I don't fixate on these numbers...but my weight...I have let it not only control, but ruin my life.

I hope one day soon this won't matter so much. According to my therapist I have to just feel this anxiety, see I won't balloon, and then it will go away. But I want a guarantee I won't balloon. I want solid evidence that it won't happen. But then that takes away the anxiety...it doesn't allow me to feel it. So for the next few days its gonna be rough as I allow myself to feel this anxiety.

And Monday....when I step once again on the machine that has ruled my life. When I glance through my squeezed tight eyes I will be praying the number hasn't changed. That I can see I need more. But I also know that will only bring temporary relief. Because I will increase my plan and then my mind will tell me that really I don't need it and I will have to feel the anxiety anyway.

So maybe I should just go ahead and add them. I don't know. Why can't I just trust my nutritionist? Why can't I just trust my body? Why can't I just wake up and be normal? I wish I had the answers. But I don't. For now all I can do is rest on what I do know. I want to be free of these thoughts and obsessions and that is going to take recovering. Recovering is going to mean doing my meal plan (preferably the one my N gives me, not my adaptations). Doing my meal plan will mean gaining weight. And gaining weight is going to be scary. But it's okay....I can feel this fear....I can allow myself to feel anxious and it will be okay. It will keep me out of the hospital and a tube out of my nose. It will keep me in school and out of treatment. It will keep me alive. For now....that's the truths I know...and for now that's enough for some freedom.

Behind the scenes of my struggle

Hey everyone. Alright...so though my head is still spinning a little bit, by not acting on my overwhelming urges yesterday I think I am in a place that I can step back and look at why the heck I struggled so much yesterday. And I think I've come up with some reasons that you all might struggle with too.


I have come to discover that my struggles with food have nothing to do with the food, but with emotions. If I'm mad, I punish myself by restricting or overexercising. Any fears get displaced onto food. Sadness makes me feel full and so I don't want to eat. This has been a pattern in my life so to me now it's easier and more normal to use food to cope instead of experiencing the emotion. I guess it comes from a childhood of not being allowed to feel and I used food to numb myself. And now I am just stuck in the habit and don't think I am allowed to feel emotions.

So what better to categorize the reasons for my issues yesterday than with emotions. Sorry this is so long, but you can come back and read the different sections at different times, I even put solutions of how I am pushing through today. There are three main emotions: fear, frustation, and guilt.

Fear

From the moment I woke up yesterday I was scared. Scared to be back on campus. Scared to have to go back to the dining hall and eat foods I didn't prepare myself. Scared of being away from the comfort, security, and control of home. Scared about the classes for the semester. Scared for my doc appointments. Just plain scared.

So no wonder I was scared to eat and that I wanted to calm the jitters by overexercising to exhaustion. I don't like fear and I didn't want to feel it at all. I just wanted to run away from it. Luckily in my fit of morning panic I had therapy where we dove straight into my fear of weight gain (taking care of my fear of the foods and of being away from home since they both tied to weight gain). We talked more about weight than I was comfortable with and you know what....it actually made it better.

 It was difficult to though talking about weight, because for the first time ever my therapist made a weight goal for me. He is completely right in doing this, because gaining weight had become a joke for me. There was no pressure to really get it done. I didn't care about losing the doctor I lost last semester due to not gaining weight and I figured if I wasn't losing that was fine too. But now, with Iain making a goal for me and saying he might have to recommend hospitalization...well I feel like there is something I can lose. This is the first therapist I have honestly wanted to see and that I care about seeing. So the risk of losing him and having to go to the hospital scares me. But gaining weight scares me too. So this added to the fear in the fact that now I feel I need to gain weight which scares me, but I am also scared maybe I can't do this on my own and need inpatient. That will make me feel like an absolute failure which is probably why ED wants me to keep avoiding gaining so he can tell me I suck. Despite all this I still left feeling some peace.

Granted that lasted till the time when I walked into the dining hall and my fear was right in front of me. And beside me. And behind me....the freaking dining hall food. And there was no food scale or measuring cups to use to feel a sense of control. Just me, my plate, and the hunger and appetite I was telling myself wasn't there. I pushed through and ate lunch, but coped by tearing my food and restricting some portions....let me tell you that doesn't help the fear. In fact it made it a ton worse.

The fear spiked and was put straight on food. I started to wonder if doing what I am supposed to be doing would cause ballooning. IF eating the dining hall food would cause me to gain too much. And the fear of food intensified. So I tore a little more throughout the night and then you all read that blog post.

Solution: Well after posting that in my fit of fear I went to look up some youtube videos on anorexia recovery and stumbled across one that used DBT and it really helped. It was about opposite action and fear. Basically instead of running away like fear makes you feel you should, you have to face the fear and push on. This means if the food is scaring you (either finishing the full portion or trying a bite of a freedom food, whatever) you have to do. So with two snacks left I decided to try this method....and though it sucks so much to do....it actually works. Sure my anxiety spiked while I completed the two challenge snacks (microwave popcorn and Fat Free Fig Newtons) and didn't skimp portions...but unlike before the fear and anxiety didn't follow me. It's weird....it's like acting in my symptoms makes the fear persists, but facing the fear I guess almost scares it away. Either way..I am trying the method out today and so far its working...though I'm not enjoying the moments of pushing into the fear.

Frustration

So my frustration came after I left my GI doctor and got a call from my PCP back at home....the one that almost sent me to the hospital. Despite my labs coming back completely normal he still wants me in a hospital...why....because of my low weight and failure to gain. This pissed me off.

Here I am and I've dug myself into a deep shithole. I am at such a low weight I literally have no "wiggle room" to lose any weight. So even though I want to learn to eat my freedom foods without them causing weight gain but I have to gain weight. In fact, I'm told my weight is so low I can't even maintain right now. I have to gain. But how can I trust food if it causes me to gain weight? Why can't I just maintain my weight and try to fix my behaviors. Why do I have to gain weight? Why can't people just leave me alone about it?

But I mean I am the one who got me to this low weight. It seemed so easy too to get here. So I am also frustrated by how hard it is for my brain to accept and let me gain weight. It's like my brain is still living in the world where I am the obese kid being told to lose weight, when in the real world I am the anorexic adult who needs to gain weight. My body is stuck in reality of the present and my mind is stuck in the torment of the past.

But again...in the moment the frustration didn't reveal what it was truly about. Instead it just went to food and became anger at myself for eating. The frustration with where this eating disorder has taken me which is tied to the fact that I think I allowed my ED to go too far and am frustrated with how bad its gotten....well it became anger at myself. This anger somehow got tied to food though and I decided I was mad at myself for eating and thus needed to stop eating in order to punish myself. But again....the original frustration wasn't with food.


Solution: This one I am still working on. I guess I just have to be pissed off and maybe try and use that to fight. The only way people will give me a chance to maintain or at least leave me alone about my damn weight is if I gain. I am going to have to just do the action without my mind getting on board. Maybe if I start to gain weight I will gain the mental function to accept weight gain and to accept food. I guess this losing/maintaining hasn't made me trust food anymore anyway...and the definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results...so maybe I should give weight gain a try.

Guilt

I didn't even realize I had this emotion till I woke up this morning and started reflecting on my struggles last night. I realized I feel really bad about slipping at home. I tried to write it off and say I did better than I expected....which is true, but the reality is I did restrict. I have tried to justify it by saying I wasn't doing the snack and exchanges correctly even when I was doing them....somehow in my mind that justifies not doing them at all. The healthy part of me knows though that I shouldn't have taken them away...and honestly that part of me yearns for them to come back.

So when I had to go to therapy and admit that I had slipped up. When I had to look Iain in the eyes (well actually I have issues making eye contact with people....but you get the idea) and tell him that I had slipped over break....frankly, it sucked. Then I got to thinking how I would have to do that with my nutritionist. With the woman I promised I would stick to my plan with. And the guilt really kicked in.

I guess it's because I care about my team. I don't wan to let Iain or Katherine down. I want to do recovery right....problem is I try and do it perfect and then when I slip I just give up and keep slipping....but that's another post for another day. Right now I just feel guilty. And knowing that I still have to see Katherine and basically tell her that I (once again) took the hard work she puts into making my meal plan and just tossed it. That I failed yet again. Basically the guilt became overbearing.

But in the moment....the guilt didn't take the form of its real source. Instead it came around food. I felt guilty for eating which turned into disgust for eating which went straight to the lovely emotion I always feel....anxiety. And you all read where that ended up.

Solution: Well...I guess the solution to this is that now that I realize the source of my guilt, I need to forgive myself for acting out over break and try to not act out in any further ways. I need to be open in my nutritionist session and take whatever decisions she makes as truth. I need to not fight her and work on accepting, and even if I don't accept it, following her plan. This is a lot harder than it sounds....but I just have to do it. And I guess I need to stop aiming to be perfect in recovery because it is what causes all this guilt. I need to realize slips will happen, forgive myself, and move forward. Again...this is easier than it sounds and I have a feeling will take a lot of practice.

In the End

I guess now I see none of my emotions really tied to food. The fear is of the weight gain and at both succeeding and failing in the weight gain goals I now have laid out. The fear was also just from starting this new semester and all the unknowns that brings. The frustration that turned into anger at myself for eating was based around the frustration that being at such a low weight has brought me. The guilt that became guilt over eating was actually tied to the restricting over break.

Writing this out summarized it kind of make sense and shows just how sneaky our ED is. I mean....obviously our ED doesn't want us to see that it is the culprit to our negative emotions. My fear and frustration are due to weight gain, but I wouldn't have to gain weight if I didn't have an ED. My frustration is due to acting out on my ED. So obviously it makes sense that the ED part of us deflects these emotions onto food. How else would we want to keep our ED around while feeling like absolute shit? We wouldn't.

So I guess the key to getting past these emotions and the struggles they brought is to push through them instead of running from them into my ED arms. Instead I need to push into fear, feel my frustration, and cope with my guilt. I mean I know it won't be easy, and it will be freaking uncomfortable....but if I want the emotions to go away or at least not to impede my life....I have to do this. We have to do this. And you know what....WE CAN! This is our year, our season, our lives....and I for one am done with feeling like shit by not feeling.

Reality is...

So I had therapy today and my therapist challenged me to blog even when I am struggling. Figured this would happen at some point in the next few days....but nope...it happened tonight. So pardon the foul language, but I just need to blog reality. That's the reason I created this blog anyway, because I couldn't find one to read that showed me the highs and the lows of recovery. So here goes.

You see reality is sometimes recovery fucking sucks sometimes. Gaining weight fucking sucks all the time. We live in a world where we are bombarded by weight loss ads, products, talk, food....everywhere we turn. I have been programmed since I was 6 to take this in and apply it to my life. Then the government publishes dietary recommendations for people with certain medical conditions like obesity and diabetes and I figure they should apply to me too. Every day I hear this stuff and every day I apply it to my life.

Watch your sodium. Limit your fats. Not too much sugar. Workout right before you eat. Be active after you eat. Don't sit too long. Keep moving. Not too big portions. Eat slow. Don't eat if you aren't hungry. Limit desserts, sweets, and treats. This is all swarming through my head every day...especially tonight.

Reality is today I am struggling. I want desperately to have my food scale back. The one sitting on my kitchen counter at home. The one I wasn't supposed to use over break, but used anyway. I want it to tell me how big this bagel is. I want to tear off parts of the bagel till its smaller than the needed size. But I have no food scale...so I struggled to finish it all. The whole time my brain just told me it was too big and if I finished I would gain weight.

You see I know I need to gain weight, but the reality of recovery is your brain tends to not accept that fact and still processes information and choices based off not gaining weight. It's not to blame...it's just what we have been doing my whole life. If all the sudden red lights meant go and green meant stop...I'm sure people would still stall at red lights and run green lights. It's just the pattern of behavior being repeated.

And I know to stop this pattern I need to create new patterns. But reality is tonight that just doesn't want to happen. I am trying but its just getting harder and harder. I am having to reach out to my support every few minutes. I am having to not plan my meals for the week like I need to because I know I will choose them out of fear. I am having to remind myself to stay seated, that I already did my approved yoga for the day. But I freaking don't want to do any of this. I just want to act out.

Despite the yelling in my brain,  I went and challenged myself to fajitas at dinner. I did cut portions a little, but nothing near to how I did before. So that adds to my brain fighting me tooth and nail right now. That adds in the fact that I feel I am supposed to not do my other snacks in order to make up for the fact that I ate fajitas. "Think of the oil. Think of the fat. You probably got too much. You don't know how they cooked it." That's what my brain is telling me right now. And it's loud....like train running right next to your house loud.

So tonight the reality is recovery sucks. It's also true that recovery is going to have to happen. I slipped a little today as I knew I would eating back in the dining hall and getting portions without food scale. A few of my portions were on the low side, but I can't change that. Now I just need to move forward. I have two more snacks to get through tonight and I have to do them.....despite the fact it sucks. I probably won't enjoy it, I know the urges will keep coming, but I have to do it.

I guess the reality is if I let today end in disaster and slips, then tomorrow it will be just as hard as today to get back on track. If I get back on track now though..then it will be easier mentally tomorrow to have everything in completely right portions.

So I am going to go eat. I know my brain will tell me I'm disgusting and say things to me I wouldn't say to my worst enemy, but I am going to eat. Not because I want to...and honestly tonight not because I want to recover. Tonight I am eating to stay out of treatment and because if I don't....then guilt will just be added to this misery. I am going to eat because my nutritionist and therapist want me to. I am going to eat because if not in two weeks I will be admitted to hospital. I am going to eat because I will have to eat in treatment where I will end up without eating now. I am going to eat because its getting late and I don't want my brain to yell at me for eating too close to bed. I am going to eat so you all can see that even when your reality is that recovery sucks....tomorrow it may not. That the reality of the pain, discomfort, and sometimes hatred of recovery doesn't warrant us acting in our ED and torturing ourselves.

Thanks for letting me share my struggles. Know that it's okay on the days recovery sucks. It's okay when we slip...we just have to move forward. We didn't choose this disorder....but we can choose to get out of it. It's not fair that we have this disorder, but reality is we do. It sucks that we have this disorder, that recovery from it isn't as easy as getting the disorder seemed to be, that things can't just go to normal overnight, that the urges can't just go away, that there isn't some switch someone can flip to tell us to eat. But I guess the only way for things to suck less...for some light to shine from behind this storm...is to do recovery. Had I not used my food scale back home and had I stuck to the plan to challenge myself more at home....well I probably wouldn't be in the shitty place I am now. But I am gonna fight to get out of it...because you all deserve better posts...and I deserve a better life.