Help!

So everyone I lapsed really bad. I told myself it was temporary and once I reached a certain weight I would stop. But I am miserable and tired and feel like shit. So in desperation I've overexercised like crazy and now I'm .2 lbs from the start wt and I am pissed and desperate to start but brain is so twisted it says this is God withholding permission. But what if it could be victory. A tiny victory over ED by starting now. Opinions?

UPDATE: Will give more information tomorrow as have a lot of stuff (okay eating) to do tonight. But basically....a miracle happened and I ended up deciding to start the new plan today. It's been really good and I am struggling a bit with same feelings of failure for not reaching my "goal" but I am seeing that truly was victory. Have had a lot of insights actually....but again, I will put that up tomorrow or maybe Tuesday :) 

WIAW: Quest Bar Review

So for this WIAW I am doing a review of a bar I used to love till ED stepped in and made me scared of. But I said screw ED and decided to face this food and I have fallen in love. Not only are they delicious, but they are full of protein, fiber, and have very small (and easily understandable) ingredient list. The fats (which really aren't high at all despite what ED told me) are completely natural and good for you. They came from either nuts and/or nut butter. What is this awesomeness??? Quest Bars!!

Honestly, these are great for anyone, but especially ED patients, because of the protein and fiber (at least in my opinion). They are definitely a chewy bar not crunchy at all, but I love that :) And it's like magic if you heat them for 15 seconds they get doughy like a cookie....a bar with options...I like it. My nutritionist is thrilled I am eating these and not only that, but when I shared my story and blog with the company they sent me a free sampler pack to try. A great company and great bars...what could be better. So obviously I haven't had all the flavors yet, but here are reviews for ones tried (and loved) so far.

Apple Pie: FREAKING amazing. Heated up 15 seconds even better. Smells and taste just like apple pie. Even apple chunks in it. And it just taste so light and doesn’t have bloating I thought it would because of the fiber. It was amazing and so good I didn’t even think of the fear of it. Let's put it this way. This was the bar I bought that led me to go out next day and buy more to try and also to reach out to the company. And I am definitely not someone who willingly buys something for myself. 

Final decision: Get this bar! And the best way to eat it is heated :) 

Strawberry cheesecake: loved this because tasted nothing like cheesecake. I hate cheesecake and anything really cream cheesy like that. This was more like a nice, fresh strawberry cake…strawberry shortcake esk. Again great heated up. It's not that heavy, dense flavor of cheesecake, but is nice light and airy. It's perfect for these summer days and my current strawberry obsession, because there are strawberry chunks in it too :) 

Final decision: NO DUH! Get this one! It's a tie between heated and not. 

Lemon Cream Pie: This wasn’t bad…but it wasn’t as amazing as other too. The lemon flavor a little too light for a lemon fiend like me. It was stronger lemon once heated up…but more like lemon cookie than strong lemon in lemon meringue or lemon yogurt. It’s a flavor I would eat if in front of me, but not go out and seek.

Final decision: not for me. It's not horrible and if it's sent as a sample I would eat it, but probably won't be buying this one. If you do have it I would suggest heating it. 

Banana Nut Muffin: I LOVE Banana flavored anything…and when I opened this bar I was pumped because was overwhelmed with banana smell. Well…that’s about where the banana ended. The flavor was definitely of a muffin…but I lacked the banana flavor I am used to. It was more just like a spice muffin…which isn’t bad. So it’s kind of like Lemon Pie…I won’t seek it out as a flavor to eat, but if it is there I will eat it. I heated up the Banana Muffin for 30 seconds and it actually does taste like banana muffin then..but it gets a weird consistency. 

Final: probably won't go buy this one myself unless really overwhelming craving for banana. But if someone gave it to me I would definitely eat it, but only after a nuking session in the microwave for 30 seconds (most Quest Bars only heat for 15 seconds). 

Chocolate PB: THIS IS AMAZING! I don't think any flavor is going to beat it. Got over the fear and had it and it is DELICIOUS! This is like a freaking candy bar. It smells like amazing peanut butter and the taste is amazing too.  It’s not overly PB (you know how things can get overly PB and get salty tasting...no salty here just amazingness) or overly chocolate…it’s kind of like a snickers bar. Taste good heated and room temp….neither is better because both ROCK! Oh and there are little peanut chunks in it too. 

Final: what are you doing still on this page? Go order these bars now. Heat up some, eat some at room temp, heck I don't think anything could make these ones taste bad!

So far here is my summary and ranking of the bars. 

1. Chocolate PB! The scariest one for me too, but it was awesome.

2. Strawberry Cheesecake: just love that it taste so light and fresh

3. Apple Pie (honestly this fluctuates between 2nd and 3rd depending on day): it's delicious and so tempted to have with scoop fro yo or some vanilla yogurt

4. Banana nut muffin: have to so overheat it just to get banana flavor. It's not disgusting by any means...just not the first thing I would reach for. 

5. Lemon Cream Pie: So far this is the only one I really don't want to try again. I mean it wasn't horrible...it just wasn't what I expected. 

Be on the lookout for my review of more of these bars next week. Oh, and I had a rough nutritionist session today, so be on the lookout for blog posts on that one :) Love you all :) And I love Jenn for hosting. 

If one life-saving realization is good...two is better

First off let me just thank you all for the amazing love and support I have received after my last post. You all sure know how to make a gal feel like she is not alone. How to make her feel loved and supported. It brings tears to my eyes. And now I have a victory to share!

Today without even asking the Lord gave me two big realizations. These are game changers...recovery savers...and I feel beyond blessed that He provided me with them. Even now in my slip...God is letting His light shine and guiding me out of this lapse. 

Just Do It

The first realization I had is in getting out of this slip I am going back to trying to plan it all out and set up guidelines, trying to find certain rules to set up so I will do recovery right. I keep asking people how to eat fear foods, how to eat based off want and not calories, how to get right portions. Then…it hit me like a ton of bricks…that’s a crazy question. You see…nothing is stopping me from eating based off exchanges instead of letting calories dictate my food choices…nothing except me. I am the only one forcing myself to eat “safe” versus what I want to eat. So the answer to the question: just do it.

Nothing is going to make it less scary. No rules are going to make it any easier. I just have to accept the fear, accept thoughts I might have about what my choice will mean (and possibly accept that those are lies from ED), and then do the right thing anyway. I just have to do it. There is no magic formula, no perfect coping tool, no rules/regulations to guide me. I just have to do it…if I want to eat normally I just have to do it. For once in my life, I have to do what I want…not what I think I am “supposed” to do. I need to eat what I want, get the right portions for exchanges, and stick my middle finger up at ED and calories.

With this though I tried to think what is stopping me. Why I could do this in treatment (though even there I did some calorie choosing) and of course my mind said in treatment people made me do it. But honestly….that’s not true. At the end of it all..I was the one in front of my plate, I was the one who ate even when I was scared or didn’t want to….I did that. Nobody forced me..I just decided that something else mattered more than my ED lies (perhaps this something more was my fear of feeding tube, but still). So I know this power is in me and even more so now because I am a Christian and have the strength of God to power me through.

So as much as I have always hated people who have told me to “just eat”….that kind of is what this comes down to. I just need to eat and do the plan. Now it’s not as simple as that and there are a lot of emotions and trust issues around this…but when I am in front of my plate or fixing my plate..It comes down to just doing it. Just trusting the plan, praying to God, and pushing through the fear. Not easy...but doable. 

Accepting Responsibility

Now this realization for me is mind-blowing, earth-shattering, and probably life-saving. You see I realized my greatest struggle with weight gain or maintaining a restored weight outpatient is having to feel responsible for the weight gain. Since my ED developed when I was so young and was developing my values system…I literally have a core value that says that I can’t gain weight. That is the epitome of a horrible thing to do. So having to accept that I am eating enough to gain weight…it just makes me feel so wrong. When I am in treatment I always tell myself “they” are making me gain weight and that I will just lose it when I leave. So I avoid accepting any responsibility.

Once I realized this my 1^st thought was I need to learn to change my value and see weight gain as good, but God gently guided me otherwise. Not that it is impossible that I will ever want to gain weight or see it as a good thing to do…but God was showing me if that was going to happen..it probably already would. I have been told by plenty of people I need to gain weight, so if I was going to accept that..I probably would have already. Instead he told me to shift my focus.

God guided me to look at what gaining weight will allow

• Able to date (don’t feel I can till I can love and accept myself)
• Able to go to spin class and run
•  Enjoying senior year (with less wt to gain at school have more free mind space)
•  Being ready to be on my own in Denver
•   Being able to live in Denver and not be the underweight/anorexic girl
• Being able to reach more people with ED in recovery because will have been through the weight gain process
•   Preparing myself for work as ED therapist (I mean I think gaining this weight and recovering is even more important than getting my degree)
•  Deeper trust and relationship with God because only by His strength will I be able to do this

Those are things I want to feel responsible for. I want to be in my spin class or crossing 5K finish line and know that moment marks such a victory. Know that in the end, it was me who gained the weight to get there. I earned that moment. Same thing when I am in Denver getting my MSW, or working every day as an ED therapist…I will know the struggle and strength that it took to get there. I will know that I had to gain weight to do that despite all the fear…and that I am responsible for that.

I can so easily close my eyes and go to my 1^st spin class in recovery. My mind goes to the end of the class…when I am sitting there, smile plastered across my face, because I will know the hard work that went into me gaining the weight to get to that moment. And then my mind drifts to Denver…when I am getting my MSW degree and I remember and appreciate through this process of gaining weight so I could get there..  Knowing that I am responsible for these things. That nobody made me do it. That I put my faith in God and just did it. That it was just me…only me that can claim responsibility for all these victories. It just..it makes me so happy. It’s victories I can hold onto that nobody can take away. Nobody can say I didn’t gain the weight and make the hard decisions to get me there. It something that I can finally be proud of myself for.

So instead of trying to force myself to see weight gain as good and accept responsibility for weight gain. God showed me I should look at all the things that will come from gaining weight and realize that weight gain means I am getting closer to these things and accept responsibility for those victories. But those victories aren’t possible without weight gain…so it just has to happen. Nobody can gain this weight for me..in the end, it will just be me and God’s strength and peace that overcome the fear of weight gain and bring about these victories.

I know I keep making it sound like it’s only me doing this, but it most definitely will be God that gets me through this process. That makes me even more excited. Because it means each of these victories I can be proud of myself in and then turn it over to God and give Him glory. These victories will hold victory in the spiritual realm to. And I hope and pray me conquering this process will allow me to guide people to God and His love and strength. So this weight gain process end in God glorified and me having something to be proud of that nobody can take away (unlike a GPA or unlike detrimental pride like my ED and low wt)...I don’t mind being held responsible for that J

Struggling

Hey anyone who actually reads my blog. I am really struggling right now with ED and part of me wants to share about it so others who relate can see they are not alone...but I wonder if that would really actually help anyone. But I wanted you all to know I am still around and I know I had said originally when I made this blog that I would share the ups and downs. But I opened up to just a few people about my recent slip and have gotten so much grief and attacks from it...that I just wonder if it is even worth sharing.

Summed up though here it is: I have gained weight and am uncomfortable with it because I turned to old behaviors and new rules to try and control the gain and it didn't work. So here I am feeling more disordered and gaining weight and hating every moment of it. I finally opened up to my nutritionist about it and told her I just feel I need to lose this weight I gained and start over and do this the "right way." I have written her the things I really want to do in recovery, the way I wanted recovery to look from the beginning with challenges and cutting back on ED behaviors. But I don't think I can do that from here..I feel I need to lose this weight I gained and start from where it all began. I know it's silly, probably irrational, and I probably should open up about it but my brain is just saying...no one would care. So that's where I am.

Message me or comment below because I would love to hear if anyone is out there and wants me to open up more. Or if anyone has been through this. Love you all...and I will be back soon I hope...just need to screw my head on straight.

Sick Enough?

So today ED threw yet another trap at me. He got me obsessed with taking a "break" from recovery to lose weight down to x lbs. My brain told me I was so close...and I will never know if I could get there if I don't try now. And if I don't reach x lbs I will always wonder if I can and be driven so much by this that I will end up relapsing. And right now...I am realizing I don't want to relapse again.

I honestly gave it (way too much) thought. It seemed reasonable. Getting to x is a definite end point....it's not like I would be relapsing. WRONG!

See I talked this through with my reasonable mind, God, and my N. I realized once I got to x lbs...well it wouldn't be low enough. My mind would say...well maybe we can get to 5 less lbs. This is something I have always done to myself. I've always wanted to push myself to the limit. See how far (in this case how low) I can go. But here is the thing...it won't be low enough or sick enough till I find the limit...and that limit will be death. Really...my fear of dying is what is keeping me from doing this "challenge." Because if I try and do this and die...I mean..that's just not something I want. When I am in front of God looking Him in the eyes will I really want to say..."Lord I am sorry I killed myself to get to a lower weight, but I just wanted to see if I could do it. "

Then there is this fact I realized. It's kind of dumb to go through all the hard work and pain to lose to x lbs. Having to lie, count and cut calories, do all of that and be miserable..just to get to x lbs and gain all that weight back. Here is the reality. Any more weight I lose, I have to gain back. Because ED only ends with either death or recovery...and I don't want to die...so my only option is recovery and that means weight gain. I know many people get a pride over the ED and it makes sense...they are a lot of work. But heck..I would like to put all the energy into...oh...I don't know...experiencing life.

So why not accept that I didn't get to x lbs because...who knows...maybe getting there would have killed me so God protected me. It was so hard just to get to where I was and maintain that wt...that should be "sick enough" because it's where I got and I want this ED to be over. Still, a part of me wonders if I could have gotten to x lbs...and so part of me feels I am writing a new story of my life, but never finished the other one. But I don't want to lose my life just to see if ED is right about my weight.

And here is another lovely ED thought. I started to think I won't be able to help others with my story unless I get sick enough. People won't care about my story because I didn't get low enough. But then I realized this (thank you Lord)....when I am working with ED patients..I'm not going to want to tell them how sick I got. And plus...I've never read a recovery story and been like...oh well they didn't get "sick enough"...the only things numbers in those stories have ever done is made me think...see she/he was sicker than me so I can't relate. So getting lower...well it would put more people in that position with my story...the position of them not feeling sick enough.

Plus...what if someone I am helping goes through a similar struggle. They are scared that if they don't hit right number they can't start to get better and they come to me for advice. Am I really going to want to look them in the face and say: "Yeah I felt the same way and so what I did was slip back into my ED for a little bit and lost to that weight and then I started recovery." Heck no! There will be much more power and God's glory shown if I can look at them and say: "I've felt the same...but let me tell you there will never be a sick enough. My sick enough was originally y lbs....I promised and prayed to God if he let me get back to that number, I would recover. And I did get there...on the very day I started with my new nutritionist. But you know what..as soon as I started gaining that wasn't sick enough. But instead of throwing away all the hard work I was doing and prolonging my misery to lose weight I would just have to gain anyway....I turned from ED and kept going for recovery.And let me tell you..here in recovery I thank God every day He stopped me from getting to x lbs. That He helped me say enough is enough when I was at y."

This is what God told me..."I will never win the fight to be sick enough. There will never be a weight that is low enough...because the enemy (ED) wants me dead...that's his low enough. What I need to fight for is that I get healthy enough that sick enough doesn't matter." I know....God has a way with words. See...I hope that when I am recovered I am so in love with life that it doesn't matter how low my weight got. It won't matter that I wasn't x lb...in fact I will rejoice that God kept me from getting that sick. I won't compare my numbers to others, because my weight won't matter. I will just be so happy to be alive and healthy that it won't matter.

So yes..I could see if I could get to x lbs. I could do that. I know how to do that. But I also RISK MY LIFE doing that. And there is no guarantee I would reach that number. OR I could stick with what I am doing...accept that there is no sick enough I can ever get to...that their are two possible ending to my ED story...the end when I decide to stop writing it and write a new story of recovery like I am doing now...or the end of me dying. No weight will be low enough ever..and I am not willing to risk my life to achieve a "goal" that will never be good enough.

But I am willing to release this obsession to God. To take a deep breath...accept that this is the end of my ED story...that where I got is going to be my lowest...that I got sick enough because I got sick and tired of ED..and that's all the  "sickness" I need. I am going to accept that the fight to be "sick enough" isn't one I can win, and to fight for something that is achievable...being healthy enough that sick enough doesn't matter.

I honestly don't think down the line I will regret not getting to x lbs, but I will regret it if I die trying to achieve x lbs. I will regret throwing out the hard work and panic attacks I have already gone through just to get to a lower number. I will regret turning from God to indulge in ED for a stupid number. I will accept that I wasn't "good enough" for ED..that I wasn't perfect at anorexia...and I will be happy about the fact that I didn't risk my life...that my recovery and life mattered too much for me to keep striving to be sick enough. That I achieved sick enough so many times in my recovery...and there was always sicker that became my new sick enough. That I am done with that story...that no number needs to be reached...that just let's the story end with ED victory...with ED having a last chance of control.

Nope...my ED story is ending with my victory, God's victory, God's power. It is ending (actually already ended), because God called me to end it...because I want it to end...and I don't need a number to tell me I am ready. Plus, geez...I begged and pleaded God would bring me back to y lbs so I could be "low enough" to start to recovery....He did that..He provided that comfort...and now I am going to look at Him and tell Him I need to be lower. NO! This is the end ED. Your story is over...not because I got "sick enough" but I had ENOUGH of you and got SICK of being your captive.

Lapse that was too close for comfort

June 2, 2013 God saved from relapse

So tonight I got overwhelmed by realization that I am recovering from once. I was so overwhelmed and I tried to open up to mom and Scott, but got shut down completely with being told I was letting Satan win. I just freaked out and was so full of fear I didn’t want to eat. Not only that, but realizing how bloated I have been and how little I have pooped today, I realized I can’t weigh tomorrow. Everything just kept piling on and on and I felt myself crumpling under the weight of it all.

As I watched my family eat dinner and knew I had only had b-fast and lunch…thus it was 8 pm and I still had dinner and three snacks left…I realized this was my chance and I could restrict. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to throw this all away. And that feeling of wanting to eat..wanting someone to tell me it was all okay…it sent me into a tailspin of almost throwing it all in.

I ran to my room and bawled my eyes out. I was overcome with fear and anger and confusion and so many emotions I couldn’t control myself. The only person I could think to call was my dad…somehow I knew he could make everything okay. But I called and called and he didn’t answer. I felt lost, confused, alone, scared. My mind was spinning…I just wanted someone to convince me to do the right thing despite everything seeming so wrong. Despite not being able to weigh tomorrow…I just wanted to know it was all going to be okay.

And…I hate to admit this..but in that moment of darkness..feeling so alone… suicidal thoughts leaped into my mind. I felt surrounded by darkness and all I could do was cry out “Father! God! Abba!” In desperation I opened my facebook account and this picture popped on the screen

Then I called my dad and he picked up. We had an amazing conversation, I cried my eyes out and then ended up laughing. He made me feel like everything was going to be okay as well. Honestly…the most amazing thing he did was make me feel like what I was feeling was okay. He listened to how I felt, but never chastised me about it. Instead he said it made sense. That meant a lot to me.

So here I sit..eating dinner..doing the next right thing…working towards losing a little bit of ED and discovering that new person..whoever it may be. Let me say..it was hard to decide to eat..but now that I have…I feel at peace. I thought what I felt before when I had decided to lapse was peace..but it was just the calm before the storm of panic. Now I feel true peace…it’s the rainbow after the storm of panic hit.

You know my dad said something else to. It’s like I am going through a rebirth process. My response…”Birthing pains hurt like hell.” And I’m right…they do. It hurts to give birth. But I think anyone who has seen or held a newborn…or seen the joy on a new mother’s face…I think they can tell you it’s worth it. 

Strange new fear

Trigger WARNING: I DO MENTION WEIGHT! DO NOT KEEP READING IF THAT IS A TRIGGER. OR AT LEAST SKIP THE FIRST PARAGRAPH!

Well after a day off from weight gain yesterday my weight shot back up today. Panic set in and I grabbed at my flesh in disgust. How could I be 91.2 lbs….Two weeks ago I was only 87.6. I liked the 80s..I was comfortable there…and there..I knew who I was. I was Jessica the anorexic who couldn’t and wouldn’t gain weight. This hit me big time today….and of course it hit me in Walmart…where I really didn’t want to cry…but started to.

I realized part of the reason behind my panic. Part of the reason I just feel so uncomfortable right now. I am gaining weight and I hate it. I feel the numbers are going up and up out of my control and yet…I’m not restricting. Every day I am doing my plan..not overexercising…not cutting corners and just praying and hoping weight will stop going up…but I’m not doing anything to stop it. This isn’t me…this isn’t who I’ve been.

In the past as soon as weight gain started I started restricting or cutting back meal plan. I would start lying so I could stay in anorexia. This is who I have always been. Even when I was overweight…as soon as scales went up I would go on another diet. So now I am lost. Here I am…numbers going up…numbers where I don’t want to be…and yet I am doing my meal plan. I’m not standing in the way of weight gain and that scares me. It makes me feel I am losing control….losing my identity.

I have always been the outpatient individual nobody wanted because I never listened and resisted the whole time. I have been that patient on the inpatient and residential setting. If there was a rule to break I would break it. A loophole and I would find it. Any way to cling on to my anorexia…count me in. But now…now I am not. And I don’t know why…or well..I didn’t.

But there in the water aisle of Walmart, my own waterworks started because the why hit me upside the face. Part of me wants to gain weight and wants to recover. The wanting to recover I totally accept…but the WANTing to gain weight…I can’t accept that. I am scared if I give in to gaining weight I will lose all self-control and end up obese again. So I feel I need to start to self-sabotage…and yet…when I think about it or am about to do it…I just…can’t.

I know part of it is I am scared of getting caught and scared to let down my parents and support and all that. But I’ve hurt them in the past…why is now any different. Because I want it this time. And that scares me. I feel I am losing this ED each time the scale goes up and I still eat. But this ED has been me for so long…so I feel like I am losing a piece of who I am…and right now I don’t know what to replace what I am losing with. So I still desperately want to lose weight so I can go back to knowing who I am…but I keep stopping myself from restricting.

There is a part of me that is scared restricting won’t work either so I am scared to try. But I am trying not to go down that rabbit hole…because it pulls me closer and closer to just testing it just once to see if it works. And I am so scared to get sucked back in again and have to crawl my way out. So right now I just feel lost. I feel confused. I am so torn between restricting and wanting to recover…and I’m scared because the wanting to recover is winning for once and I don’t know why?

Nothing in my life has changed…but somehow my heart has. Maybe it’s God? Maybe it’s proper nutrition? I don’t know…all I know is I am scared and feel I don’t know who I am anymore. Somehow I think restricting will help me find myself…so why do I not just throw in the towel and restrict. I can’t even bring my brain to restrict one snack…one measly serving. I feel my brain and body changing without me forcing it and it scares me to death because I feel out of control.

What about my plans? My calculations? The way I planned on recovering going. Why is it all seeming to take off? Where is the control I thought would be here? Here I am changing faster than I thought…and I’m scared because I don’t know who I am changing into. But I guess every caterpillar has to spend time changing in a cocoon…not sure what it will be when it breaks out…but when it emerges…it’s a beautiful butterfly.