Am I delusional? Is my dream delusional?

So that therapist..I guess she wasn’t done trying to ruin me and judge me. I got three voicemails from her today which long story short, she told me I was going to treatment no matter what. That she had convinced my mom to take medical guardianship of me and force me into long-term care. That I was delusional and not in recovery and that no one at my weight could be in recovery. Well…it was all a lie. Yes, she had told my mom to get medical guardianship and tried to manipulate her by telling her I was dying and my heart was gonna explode and how she was a miserable parent. Still, my mom stood by my side because she sees me and knows I am recovering. Slower than others might want, but finally truly recovering.

I am tired of this. I am tired of how typical eating disorder treatment treats patients. It is not right to judge patient’s potential based on their weight. Yes, their weight may flag them as a danger/hazard, but if all other medical conditions are okay and they aren’t in danger of death, they should be given a chance. If there family says they are in recovery their family should be utilized, not manipulated. People should be given a chance to recover outpatient, not deemed needing inpatient/residential just because of where there weight is.

It just pisses me off. I am in a better place mentally, motivationally, spiritually, and behaviorally than I was at a “normal” weight when I was first checked into inpatient/residential. At that weight people decided I could do it outpatient and so I was booted too early from inpatient treatment. This led to horrible relapse till I got underweight and even then was deemed able to do it outpatient when I desperately needed inpatient. It wasn’t till my body started shutting down inpatient/residential became an option.

Now here I am in a better place mentally, but yes I am at a lower weight physically. But why does the fact I have had my disorder longer and relapsed from a lower weight and thus got to a lower weight before recovering any reason to deem me unable to recover outpatient. Last time I checked, weight isn’t a measure of motivation/capabilities. If I was morbidally obese, people wouldn’t say I was too sick to recover from BED/bulimia/whatever ED outpatient. But being underweight, somehow my BMI is a marker of potential.

Yes, I understand the health risk doctors may see when they see my weight. But maybe the fact I have NONE of these health complications should be a sign I am recovering. I am just tired of having to prove time and time again I am recovering even at a low weight. I can’t recover outpatient if nobody gives me a chance. I don’t care if people flagged me as someone who may have more difficulty OP, but why don’t you give me a chance to prove you wrong? To remove your flag and show you how strong I am. That even underweight people can recover.

This pissed me off and angered me at myself at first. For getting this sick. And suddenly the spiral to guilt, shame, doubt that has led to either relapse or to me admitting myself to treatment just for other people then leaving and relapsing started. Thankfully I have an amazing family I opened up to and they helped me…then my anger became motivation. This is why I HAVE TO recover. Because I want to be in the ED field and be there for people like me who aren’t believed in and are judged for their weight. I want to work with those who are the “worst of the worst” because many times I think we are the most motivated. We have plummeted and hit are rock bottom and are ready to kick ass. We should be given a chance. EVERYONE should. Over, under, or normal weight. EVERYONE should be given a chance. IF there are medical issues, yes that takes priority. But if not….give people a chance. Sure, express your concerns, but give them a chance to prove you wrong?

Am I delusional? Is it crazy this is my dream? To change the way things have been for years? To use weight as a hesitancy, but not a criteria for if someone should be given a chance….or would people benefit from someone like me ready to work with the “worst of the worst”? Please comment/message. 

God: The Perfect Parent and my Father

Beth Moore strikes again. This post isn’t going to be ED/recovery related per se, but is related to parental loss/gaps. If there is a place in your life where you are missing a parent or where your parent just wasn’t capable of fulfilling. I hope this is as encouraging for you as it was for me. Here we go.

First off..sorry the focus won’t be on the maternal side, but I just don’t have the longing for those areas God is supposed to fulfill. I am not sure why. I don’t know if it is because I’ve never had those areas filled or what it is about them…I just don’t understand them. BUT God is your mother and father. He fulfills both areas. Just as Paul writes in 1 Thess 2: 7-12 of the maternal and paternal sides of the Spirit the disciples act out of. The three more maternal areas Beth spoke about were being nurtured, affectionately desired, and accepting Parent’s very self.

Being nutured I have never understood. I mean I know it means to be taken care of, I just honestly don’t like the feeling of being taken care of. It makes me feel needy or something. I LOVE taking care of others though and get so filled by that. I mean, I know not wanting to be nurtured probably isn’t good, but I just don’t. But as Beth put it…there are 6 pieces of whole parenting. Of being parented wholely by God that we need to be healthy children of God. Any missing piece is missing peace…so I guess I need to work on healing from my lack of desire to be cared for.

Affectionately desired I kind of understand and definitely struggle with. This is feeling like you are wanted not just tolerated. Of understanding and believing God is there ever morning (actually throughout whole day) just longing for you to wake up so He can hear from you. I definitely don’t feel this and my own insecurities and self-hate make me feel God is more burdened by me. That when I go to Him He thinks…again..really Jess. I know that isn’t His nature, and again I need healing here. I mean the Lord gave up His one and only Son for me. He gave me eternal life so I could be with Him forever…if I got on His nerves..He wouldn’t do that.

The accepting Parent’s very self has to do with the Lord pouring into us. That His very Spirit lives inside of us. I definitely get excited and accept this part of being parented by God. Woohoo…at least I got one out of six lol!

Now where this message hit home to me. Especially right now around Father’s Day….and it being the 1^st one without my dad and with my grief hitting pretty hard right now. God is my Father. Yes…He used my dad as a fleshing out of these roles He fills, but that doesn’t mean because my dad is gone I have to have open holes for these aspects of me and my dad’s relationship. God is there…He is there to be my Father. Not to replace my father or take the place my dad had in my life, but to take the place He was always supposed to have. Both He and my father filled these roles in my life, but somehow when I lost my dad, I pushed God out of these roles too. Yet He is the perfect Father. He is the perfect “person” to fill these roles. I have lost the fleshing out of these roles, and I know I will never replace them with another flesh and blood person, because I don’t ever want to replace my dad. But I don’t have to. The Lord may use people to flesh out these parental roles, but that isn’t required. God is wholly Holy and capable of them all. And it doesn’t require me to replace my dad. In fact, it only requires me to honor and praise him for fulfilling these roles in our last few years together (because there was a time my dad wasn’t a father to me), and to honor and praise Him for the gift of my father. Now onto the roles: exhorted, encouraged, and chaged to walk worthy.

Encouraged and Exhorted are similar and both roles my dad filled for me. To be exhorted comes from Greek work parakaleo (to call to the side of). It comes from the father’s role in biblical times of being the teacher. The son would literally be by his father’s side learning his father’s craft. My dad definitely was this for me. I turned to him and always told myself he would be there to teach me how to buy a car, rent an apartment, pay bills, balance budget, etc. I mean if I ever had car or computer needs, I called him to teach me how to do them. He edited my papers. He was definitely a teacher to me.

Encouragement I also got from my dad in those final years. It was the part of our healed relationship I treasured most. Whenever I was feeling overwhelmed, defeated, discouraged….a simple phone call to my dad was all it took. In fact, my support a lot of the time would ask me if I had called my dad when I would text them upset. This encouragement is why he was so crucial to my recovery. And this work comes from Greek paramutheomai which means to the side of but also to tell/relate to. Because the difference between encouragement and exhortation is to be exhorted is instructional and to be encouraged is inspirational.

Lastly, the role the Lord actually is still fleshing out for me even after the loss of my Father is being Charged to Walk Worthy. This is when there is someone there who may also encourage you, but who sometimes lifts your head from you crying on their shoulder and tells you it’s time to brush yourself off, get up, and walk on. That the time to grieve and sulk is over and it is time to get a move on. To stop standing in your mess and walk on. It’s that stern kick in the pants we all need sometimes when we just keep wallowing in our muck. My dad definitely did this for me. My stepmom tried to but I kind of booted her from the role. And the Lord uses my two dear friends Olgueyne and Mel to do this now….though I get mad at them when they do.

I had a good cry over this after the lesson. I realized these three aspects are what I miss most about my dad. Those things I am still longing and searching for. I miss his hugs. Those embraces when I just knew everything would be alright. I miss having his voice of reassurance, and his big broad shoulders to cry on. 

When my computer or car act up, I miss being able to call him. When life acts up, I miss those phone calls too. And I miss the kick in the pants he would give me in even his most poetic, sincere way. The times he would tell me it was clear ED was talking and I had to be the one to do what I knew was right. And it’s okay I  miss those. It’s not wrong that he filled those roles for me. It was God’s intention so I could see I deserved and needed those things, but now it is time to grieve the fleshing out of those things, and turn to God for them….realizing He filled them the whole time…or at least desired to.

In fact, maybe the loss of my father will strengthen my relationship with the Father. Before my dad filled these roles I looked to teachers and (for a brief time) to unhealthy relationships with boyfriends for these roles. Now I am seeing I need only to look to God. To pray when I have a question I need answered…or turn to other people he has given me who have advice in those areas. Yes…this may require patience because it’s not an instant feedback….but it will always be the right answer.

The Lord is there to encourage me and I know from the times I have let Him that it is the most whole, most fulfilling encouragement. That He can wrap you up in His huge arms and hold you with the warmth of the sun and the rays of joy shining down. And He loves to do it.

And being charged to walk worthy…the Lord does this for me I just sometimes don’t listen/act in it because I let ED question it. It’s a lot easier to question someOne who isn’t physically there. Luckily, the Lord has given me people who do this for me to. Again, I just need to learn to listen.

So what about you? Which of the 6 roles are you struggling to let God fill or relying completely on others to fill? Being nurtured, affectionately desired, accepting Parent’s very self, being exhorted, encouraged, or charged to walk worthy? 

I praise God I had a father who gave me those last 3, and praise Him now that without my father here He is more than capable to be my Father. To fill those roles that were always His and to fill them completely if I let Him. Thank you Father for being my Father this Father’s day week and for all the Father’s Day’s to come. Give my papa a hug for me. And tell him thank you too. For allowing you to take him from a dad to a father. Love you Daddy. My Abba Father

Wanting Accountability...till you get it (need input)

So I am angry even though I am getting what I wanted.  After 21 years my mom is starting to want to hold me accountable to exercise and fear foods. See today my Sat shift which was keeping me from being able to spin on Sat and thus to spin 4 days a week (though I did last week b/c spun tues since wasn’t able to get to gym Sat) got cut. So I got excited. It wasn’t ED excitement, but just general excitement because I could go to Sat AM spin and see the instructor I went to for so long.

Well we decided to start a new thing at home where we post our schedules, because we were all so confused who was doing what when so I put my spin up and my mom flipped out about me going on Sat. She said I needed to drop another day during the week, but I have gotten close with everybody who spins mon/wed/fri and don’t want to leave them. None of it is ED….I just love the people I workout with now. And I was pissed because if I don’t spin Sat I have to do a different exercise, but elliptical and running just make me want to overexercise and I don’t enjoy them. So it’s pissing me off.

And then she asked how I have been doing on fear foods and no…I haven’t been choosing 3-4 to face a week, but I have been facing them…it’s just spur of the moment. Now she wants to bring them back this week, but I am working on those behaviors and don’t want all this stress right now. I tried to explain and then she just got angry.

And I got angry too. I mean, I know I said I wanted accountability, but I also like I don’t know..controlling my own recovery. And I am not ready to do fear foods and change the behaviors and I just don’t know what to do. And then what about spin? I want to spin 4 days a week because that is my preferred exercise…but then again…I won’t be able to do 4 days a week in grad school so maybe I should cut down to 3, but what do I do on the other day. Going to gym with family just seem so boring, but I don’t want to give up a day of exercise either. I just don’t know what to do.

How do I let my mom in? With her anger issues should I? She doesn’t really know my behaviors and if I need a week easier, she isn’t lenient like that. She sees it as lapse and that’s not a reality. Reality is some weeks I can push myself in recovery and others I need to just concentrate on keeping things going. I just don’t know what to do? I am scared for the accountability I guess. I don’t know. Guess be careful what you wish for. 

Feel I deserve to be punished (update at bottom)

Well…today has been rough and horrible and I am so filled with ED thoughts right now I honestly just want to turn my mind off. It actually all started last night. I found out I was having to stay overnight again tonight because the dad I nanny for was called out on emergency trip. That was all well and good except for the fact I had already committee to a 4-10:30 pm nanny position with the people I nannied for 6 years. This family doesn’t need me this summer (which they waited till this summer to let me know and thus sent me into a panic over income), but wanted me this one night. Now I was facing a dilemma…one me, two locations.

I talked to the new family I nanny for now and at first the dad was okay with me being out at the other house late as long as his daughter was, but last night he changed his mind. He told me I needed to see if she could come along and as soon as I asked the other family that (mind that this girl I would be bringing along is the same age as the two girls at the other house), they flipped out on me. And then this morning they told me they were cancelling all their plans and would no longer need me. Not just now, but ever. That my selfish and inconsiderate actions had made me too unreliable for them.

Selfish, inconsiderate, unrealiable…three things I have prided myself on never being. I like to be the responsible, reliable person to everyone and here, in one moment, I ruined that all. I felt horrible and still do. It’s all my fault. Here they cancelled their plans and all because of me. I failed them. I mean I found alternatives. I could bring the girl along or I was going to leave her at my house with my parents until I was done at the other house, but no. Apparently those weren’t sufficient options and they cancelled their plans and it was all my fault. I consider this family my family and to be torn apart by them like this, I knew I had royally fucked up.

But I don’t know what I would have done different. I had no way of knowing this emergency would come up and I would be needed overnight and I am usually never needed overnight on weekends. At least not with a week or so notice. Here I got one nights notice. But I messed up. It’s all my fault. There is no one else to blame and I am all those things they said.

• Selfish: I took on more jobs because I wanted to see the girls I nannied for so long and needed the money
• Inconsiderate: I didn’t stop to think that maybe the other family would need me
• Unreliable: I had committed to them and now was not going to work. I mean I let them know as soon as I knew, but they didn’t find back up.

And I feel horrible. Now I will never be able to see these girls again and have lost this family as a reference. Granted I have only seen them once since last summer and it was when my dad died and they needed me to nanny. Between those times I rarely heard from them. And up until this summer all I had heard was they needed me. But a week before I was set to move home and after me emailing and contacting them for a month ahead, they told me I wasn’t needed.

Still, I considered them family. Despite them not contacting me. Despite them finding other nannies in my place for the summer (which I understand because someone had to watch the girls during the school year). Despite them never asking about me or how I was or checking up or even really mentioning my dad’s death…I still considered them family. I mean they have provided me a job for years and I practically raised the girls….and had gotten really close…and now, because of this, because I took this other nannying job which I had to for income sake..I’ve lost them completely. One day and I managed to ruin 6 years of a reltationship.

The father I do the overnight for though…he was so kind. I let him know they cancelled their plans and he just wanted to know how I was. When I told him what they had said he was so apologetic. I told him how sorry I was for everything and all he had to say was he wasn’t mad and that he wanted me to know I was family and I was stuck with them and nothing would change that. I have only worked with him for two weeks and so that feels nice.

Still, I am hurt and I can’t blame anyone else. This really is my fault. I am the one who took on this other job a week ago and the one who had the emergency overnight come up. I should have done something better. Trusted my intuition to not even ask if the girl could come over because I know the nature of the other family and how they are with strangers and company and such. But no, I went and ruined everything.  Part of my is freaking out because I lost 65 dollars of income but even worse idk…I feel horrible for letting the family down and tarnishing my image. For failing to be the perfect nanny I have been for 6 years.

I worked at my other job this morning and they gave me 2 extra hours and I had to do a delivery so I made 9 dollars in tips….so that’s like 23 dollars there plus the 50 from overnight will be 73 so I kind of made up the 65 dollars would have made (though not really because had hoped to do all three jobs). Yet, I’m still torn apart and this doesn’t console me.

I just feel horrible and it brings up ED’s best weapon…my feeling of failure and needing to be punished. Immediately I lost all appetite and wanted to go overexercise. I have stuck to my meal plan and haven’t overexercised yet, but I can’t say I will hold out. 

So I wrote this because I need to see what my fault is, what I could do differently in the future, and how I could fix this situation and everything. 

I am struggling because I made a way for it to work out. Several ways. Either the overnight girl...we will call her Emily, could come to their house. Or their kids could come to her house. Or she could go stay at my house. I asked them about Emily coming over or the girls going to her house and that's when they cancelled. So they cancelled because I couldn't do it...but I told them I could and made a way and packed all my meals and all my things so I could get there early after getting off my other job at 3 and needing to be there by 4 pm. So I am struggling, because they are saying its my fault they had to cancel, but I made a way to be able to do it and they cancelled. So I don't know what I could have done different. 

I don’t want to blame them because they didn’t do anything wrong….but my mom and stepdad said they shouldn’t have treated me the way they did and have always treated me bad (getting home later than usual, not letting me know they wouldn’t need me, not returning calls/emails about it). But still they get home later because they lose track of time and maybe they just forgot about my email or call because they were so busy…idk. And they have their own lives…why would they think about or want to check in on me. They had other nannies. I don’t know. I just need advice I guess, because right now I just feel like a shitty person who needs to be hurt/punished.  

I try so hard to be perfect and I am just pissed at myself, because I messed that all up. I've always been the go-to nanny and now i am the nanny who has to go. Probably will mess up grad school and my other jobs too. I just can't fix this. I made mistakes. I am a failure.

June 7 update

Thanks everyone who helped me. I came to realize no one is to blame really. I did all I could and never intended to hurt anyone. When I found conflict, I tried to make up for it. I should have let them find a replacement earlier, but really wanted it all to work out and they couldn’t find anyone I guess because they told me they still needed me. When that was still a conflict, I found all possible options and it all seemed to work out till the dad changed his mind. Even then, I found more solutions/options. So in the end the only person responsible for them cancelling was them. No one is to blame, things just happened and it sucks, but if event was important to them I bet they could have found a way.

Think it hurts more to realize I was nothing but a worker to them and they can so easily write me out of their life. But I am seeing they weren’t as concerned for me as I was for them. I am one who sent check-ups on the girls and yet never got responses or did months later. They never asked about me. They did when I was their sole nanny, but when I just became the summer help, I lost my importance I guess….and that hurts. A lot.

But if I think about it I am moving on and I guess we were distant, because not seeing them didn’t cross my mind when thinking about grad school. And I had already coped with idea of not working for them this summer because I found this other job. It’s just hard to let people go I guess. But life happened and they know I am here and want to help….if they don’t take me up on that…that’s them. I have said my sorries…it’s in their field now. 

I hope it's okay I didn't punish myself an am moving on. It's still hard though. I wanted our relationship to end on happy terms....and now I feel it can't. But maybe time and God will make a way. After 6 years I hoped we would end with hugs and smiles, but I have another family I help now and they have other nannies. Guess our relationship didn't matter in the end :( Because the only way they want to spend time with me is if they need me to nanny. I have offered before to take the girls out on my dime, and their only response was they don't need childcare. It hurts, still feel it's my fault, but there is nothing more I could have or can do. Now I see how last minute my current job is and won't take any more night commitments....that was my mistake. I just didn't expect to have to be overnight when was just overnight yesterday. I made a mistake, I found solutions, and there is nothing I can do, but forgive myself, ask for forgiveness, and move on. 

Exciting news...and Get Back Up (Bible Study Post)

Wow! The Lord is good. First, let me praise Him for providing me with a full-ride assistantship to grad school today. I am honored, humbled, and blessed. I see my dreams coming true. I also want to praise Him for the bible study today. For re-encouraging my dream after the therapy session yesterday made it all come crashing down. I hope by sharing what I learned in study today, it can maybe re-awaken those of you who feel like failures or like giving up on your dreams…or who have given up. Because it’s never too late to start again. So here we go.

I am doing Beth Moore’s new study Children of Light and honestly was getting frustrated because it just didn’t seem to speak to me. Till today…today it yelled at me. An encouraging yell…like the coach on the sideline at a race cheering you on. Or that “That’s my daughter” you hear echo out at graduation. A good kind of yell.

You see…I didn’t express yesterday just how hurt and defeated the session left me. I left questioning if I ever could recover. If maybe I should just give up fighting. If I was really meant to do therapy for eating disorders? If someone as screwed up for me was meant for that. Plus…I liked nutrition more. What if I was meant to be a dietititian. What if I hated social work school once I got there. What if I got it all wrong? What if I failed at recovery? What if I failed at social work school? I just felt confused and like I had no direction. Or the direction I did have was the wrong one. Thank the Lord for the Lord who swooped in today.

First came the letter from UTK telling me of my assistantship. I expected to be excited..instead I burst into tears. No, not over the monthly stipend being less than I expected and thus having financial anxiety, but because now I felt I had this opportunity to go to social work school and I wasn’t even supposed to be a therapist. I wasn’t ever going to be recovered enough or good enough to be a therapist. And what if I got my passion wrong. I wanted to be a therapist and a nutritionist. What if by going to UTK I ruin my chances of becoming an RD. What if I find out I was wrong about this passion? What if they find out they were wrong about me? I was just doubting everything.

I went to spin and was encouraged as always. And then came home to do my bible study and the Lord did a work in me. Today was focusing on 1 Thessalonians 2:1-4. Paul, Silvanus, and Timothy are writing to those in Thessalonica and in these verses basically tell the Thessalonians that they were only able to preach there because of the courage of God in them and because of their pure motives of the heart. Motives the Lord knew by searching their hearts. That they served not for the approval of people, but of God. Now why do they say these things? To understand that we go back to Acts 16:16-24.

This depicts what happened to them in the previous town they had stopped in: Phillipi. They had been dragged into the street, beaten with wooden planks, thrown in jail, and shackled….all because they were preaching the Good News and doing what the Lord had called them too. But they didn’t let it keep them down. No! They went on and preached to countless more cities and people. They knew what they were doing was right and they knew the Lord knew that. They knew they were called, no matter what people said. They stood in that confidence, that courage, and pressed on.

Wow! I felt the Lord speaking to me in these verse. He was comforting me. He was telling me, “You may have been beaten down by that therapist. But it does not mean you are not called. It does not mean you are on the wrong path. If anything it means this is where you are called my dear daughter. I never said that where you were called it would be easy. But I know your heart. I know you better than even you know you. I have searched your heart. I know you have an inner strength, resilence, and passion even you don’t know the power of. You have been beaten, but you are not beaten down. Rise up, my daughter. Brush off your shoulders, break off your shackles, and continue on to your calling. This won’t be the first time people will tell you you aren’t capable. But rest in my truth. You are not only capable…you are CALLED.”

I felt so blessed and loved. Just as Paul, Silvanus, and Timothy rested assured because they knew the Lord knew their heart and knew this was what they were supposed to do…I once again felt encouraged about my passion. Not only that, but I felt kind of like the disciples. Even they had felt like failures and had to remind themselves they were not. That is what 1 Thessalonians 2:1 is….it’s their self-talk: “You yourselves, dear brothers and sisters, know our visit was not a failure.” They are reminding themselves their work has meaning and passion. That it is the will of God.

When was the last time someone made you feel like a failure? When did you last take a step of faith/courage and get beaten down? Hopefully not physically, but emotionally? I know the initial reaction is to give up. To take that as some sign what you are going for is wrong, but this suffering…it’s almost a sign what you are doing is right. Because it is the enemy attacking.

As Beth puts it: “Satan loves to fuel our feeling of failure. Just when we finally muster the courage to act or take a stand for the gospel [This for me was going into therapy to work on my healing], he prompts us to believe we blew it. Our feelings of failures can start an ongoing cycle of inadequacy: if we feel like failures, we’ll act like failures and if we let that condemnation go unchecked, we’ll make the next decision out of the same perceived defeat.”

That is what I almost did. I almost let my feelings of failure yesterday lead me to throw out my UTK assistantship. To just give up on it all. And that was exactly what the enemy wanted. The perfect way to scare me from my calling? Have someone with notereity in the ED field tell me I won’t be able to recover and that I will fail at social work school. Speak into my deepest insecurities. Into the exact fears I have…and make me feel like a failure before I even begin.

As Beth put it again: “ The enemy is trying t make wound-licker out of warriors. When God opens the door again, let’s stand back up, brush ourselves off, and step through it.” So the enemy is going to fight us wherever God purposes us, because he wants us to feel like we failed in those areas we are actually fighting and winning. But the truth is…it is in the areas we face the most resistance and most passion we are called.

It is also these areas the Lord know we have the most strength. And the places we underestimate ourselves. As Veth puts it: “If you belong to Christ something is in you that God wants to show you. He knows it’s there because He’s already searched for it, found it, and prayed His will over it.”

For me, this area is eating disorder recovery. I feel now I am meant to be a warrior in this field. It’s why I lay my life and risk a lot by making these public posts, because I don’t care what people think…I care about helping those who are struggling. That is where I feel called. And I don’t care if people don’t think I can do it outpatient. Or feel my recovery is too slow, or different. Or that I can’t serve those with eating disorders because mine is too severe. Those are lies from the enemy. The Lord knows the truth and my true strength and He wouldn’t give me a passion for an area I am not strong enough for. He knows my heart, my motivation, and my ability. He knows it won’t be easy, but He has called me so He knows I am capable and it will be worth it.

So  where do you feel attacked? Maybe it’s recovery. Maybe you feel you can’t recover. Maybe the reason you face resistance there is because your recovery is meant to set others free. Or maybe it is in a position you feel called to but don’t feel adequate/qualified enough for it? Or people say you are too old to start or it will be too hard? Well…tell the enemy to back off, stand in the strength and courage of the Lord, and pursue your calling. Cling onto Phillipians 4:13 and know you can do all things through Christ. Even the things people say you aren’t capable of. Go on warrior, stop licking your wounds and instead claim them as signs of victory. When someone slaps you on the cheek, turn the other and say…is that all you got, because my God has so much more…and I will not back down!

For me, this was accepting UTK. Fears and all. Because my God is greater than fears and His opinion is all that matters. He knows me better than any therapist, especially one I just met. He knows me better than I know me. And He knows and has positioned me to where I am called. I was knocked down, but I am getting back up. 

1st and last therapy session

Met with new therapist. Trying to get better this summer. What happened? It was horrible.

I spilled out my whole story and was starting to think that I would be working with this therapist. She had worked as a psych tech at one of my previous treatment centers and I remembered liking her I could only afford every other week but figure that be okay. Then I guess her true side came out. And I checked out.

It started at 1^st when she said what all too many have said that I probably won’t be able to do this 

outpatient. Now…I have never had someone say this on the 1^st session without even getting to know me. It sucks to, from the get-go, not be believed in. It frustrated me because she was just going off my history and my weight. Those aren’t me. Yes…I let my weight define me…but deep down…I know I am more than this number and stronger than this number. Yes…I know it is crazy low and deems inpatient treamtnet but I also know for me inpatient and residential don’t work. In fact, she agreed with and understood that. And yet she still said she wasn’t sure I could do it outpatient. Well..where does that leave me?

Then she proceeded to tell me the only way we could work together was if I weekly went to get EKG and labs done, saw her weekly, and saw a dietitian at least twice a month. Here I am working 3 jobs just to be able to afford her every other week and she wants me to find the time and money to do this. I tried to explain, and she wouldn’t budge. Especially not on seeing her every other week even though I only get paid every other week.

It was all so overwhelming and made me feel like if one lab went wrong, or I struggled one time, she would deem me too much to work with and tell me I had to be inpatient. I need someone who believes in me and will be patient with me. I know I need a good team, and I just feel lost finding one. 

And the final straw..the one that pushed me over the edge. She told me if the grad school I am waiting to hear about assistantship gets one look at me they will send me home and take away my assistantship. That hurt. That was uncalled for. And that made me completely shut off.

I left devastated and defeated and wondering what the point was anymore. I would never recover outpatient and inpatient/residential wasn’t an option. I felt like giving up. Then I came home and my amazing mom spoke life back into me. She made me realize maybe I am going through all this as part of my calling to this field.

I have experienced firsthand the pain and frustration of being at an inpatient weight, yet needing outpatient care to have any chance of real recovery. To be judged by your weight/appearance by a therapist is just wrong. To be told you are too sick for outpatient just off a weight, but then be told it is true that inpatient/residential doesn’t seem to work leaves you to wonder what your option is? I need someone outpatient who says, it might not be easy…but I think if you really want this you can do it. The problem is most outpatient people won’t even give me the time of day. I want help, yet I am being denied help because of the help I need. Make any sense? Exactly…it doesn’t. How am I to get to a better weight without treatment? It’s just wrong to be denied even a chance just because of your weight.

And the most frustrating part. I am at a better place mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and motivationally than I have ever been. Back when I was at an outpatient weight and could see whoever I wanted I wasn’t ready whatsoever. People say you need to hit your rock bottom and I have. Yet now that I hit it I can’t get help.

It’s just wrong. And I think it is one of the places the Lord wants me to help fix in treating eating disorders. Allowing everyone to have a chance. Yes…take precautions with more “worrisome” cases. But don’t deny them off first go. Don’t judge them based off their weight and then tell them to not judge themselves on that weight. And DO NOT tell them they can’t recover outpatient.

I don’t know what to say and I don’t know what I am going to do. I just feel hurt, lost, and confused. I try to reach out for help, but then am told I need too much help so I can’t get any. This isn’t right. It isn’t fair. And it leaves me feeling like I have to do this on my own. Any words of encouragement be helpful. And prayers…those are needed too. Especially since now I am terrified everyone at the grad school is going to judge me and send me home. Just another anxiety I don’t need. 

I am thinking of just going to a dietitian and leaving therapy for later but I don't even know if that is the answer. Just gonna take time to pray and think. Wait on grad school decision...then decide.