150 DAY OF PROGRESS not perfection!

WOW! Today was a bad start to a day at work, but it’s ending up being amazing…and no matter what it’s a HUGE DAY for me….today I am celebrating 150 DAYS OF RECOVERY! I feel so blessed and honored to have made it to this point. Thank you to friends, family, prayers, God, my amazing N…..just everyone and everything that made this possible. Words can never express what this day means to me. To feel the joy I feel now..it’s priceless.

For years doctor’s told me I could never fully recover because of my long history with anorexia and other disorders, but look at me now! No…I’m not fully recovered and I don’t think anyone ever really is, but I am in recovery…and I did it all outpatient. Something everyone said I never could. People waited for me to relapse one more time, like I always do…but this time I didn’t. Thank you God for that.

Has it been a perfect 150 days..NO! There have been times I messed up, times I have slipped, and lessons I have learned the hard way. But recovery isn’t perfect. So I could think of no better way to celebrate than with thankfulness for all the progress that has come. Because that is true recovery, its about progress, not perfection. It’s about the tiny steps we make each and every day towards our recovery. It’s about the times we slip, but brush our knees off and get back up. IT’s about the times we fall flat on our face, but lift out hands up to the sky and ask God for the strength to get back up. God is so amazing….I owe this list of progress completely to Him. Without Him…this would be impossible…and I doubt I would be alive. So without further ado….MY PROGRESS!

• 150 days ago I would never eat even a tsp of Peanut Butter…Now I have my own collection of all sorts of flavors and get a FULL (emphasis because I had been skimping and corrected it) 2T EVERY DAY!
• 150 days ago I would never eat a banana…Now I eat one EVERY DAY and LOOK FORWARD TO IT!

• 150 days ago I never took a rest day…Now I have 3-4 rest days a week and have learned I NEED THEM! I have learned it’s okay to not exercise and today I even went to spin more focused on having fun than pushing myself.
• 150 days ago I would always burn my bread products so I could leave some behind…Now I eat my full (though torn to correct wt size) bread portions. In fact, for the FIRST TIME TONIGHT I ate an English muffin at dinner and didn’t burn or tear it.
• 150 days ago I would never imagine eating dessert without it being mandated….In the past two weeks alone I have eaten 3 jumbo cookies and had fro-yo too many times to count! Cause who needs to count anything anyway J

• 150 days ago I weighed everything I ate…Now I don’t weigh fruits/veggies or my PB and am working towards not weighing other things.
• 150 days ago I always overcooked my oatmeal so it overflowed so I could leave some behind….TODAY for the first time I didn’t spill it J
• 150 days ago I would never imagine being able to stick to my meal plan without my nutritionist….this summer has taught me with God I have the strength to be my own source of accountability and to continue to eat when no one else is watching.
• 150 days ago I wouldn’t eat any non-diet ice cream (aka not Arctic Zero)… now I pass right by the Arctic Zero to get my loved Breyer’s Fat Free
• 150 days ago I would never cook myself any protein other than Flounder..now I have tried veggie burgers, veggie dogs, whiting, mahi-mahi, chicken…and cooked it all myself (would eat some of these if was in dining hall).
• 150 days ago white potatoes were never allowed and no potato skin of any type allowed…now my DAILY POTATO WITH SKIN is one of the favorite parts of my meal plan. In fact, now sweet potato is scary and I need to work on that.

• 150 days ago I would never eat any fruit besides apple or pear…now I eat plums, bananas, nectarines and tonight even faced blueberries!
• 150 days ago I would never eat any veggie besides spinach….now I eat slaw, carrots, broccoli, okra..though a lot of progress still needs to be made there.
• 150 days ago I would never imagine eating based on exchanges not choosing things off calories…now exchanges are the thing I cling to. I still think in calories, but am learning to go with my cravings. It’s just a start, but it’s progress.
• 150 days ago I would never change my planned meals because I wanted something else….tonight I chose based off a change in craving even though it meant scarier options.
• 150 days ago I planned every single part of my meal plan days in advanced and made sure to eat super safe if any fear food was involved…now I don’t plan what I am eating till the day of and all starches are chosen based off a RANDOM draw from a box! It’s completely up to chance (or as I tell myself to God) what I eat that day in my scariest exchanges.

• 150 days ago I would never allow myself to eat or drink late even if it was just water because of fear of weigh-ins….now I eat/drink in my meal plan no matter the time. In fact, because of work am usually up till 12 AM  eating!
• 150 days ago I would never add calories if my exchanges were too low or spilled…now I make sure to hit the minimums and to add spreads if skimp cals. I do want to get to point I add spreads just for the heck of it, but this is progress.
• 150 days ago I would never imagine actually going to graduate school…on Aug 6^th I will be moving to Knoxville to go to a dream graduate school and am fully funded through two assistantships and waitressing!
• 150 days ago I would never imagine sharing my story of recovery as a motivation for others beyond my blog….today my celebration of 150 days aired on 104.7 The Fish as the Encouragement at 8:30 pm! I felt so honored and blessed to be able to give glory to God!

• 150 days ago I would never have opened up to my family about my struggles….now I share my recovery and the slips and successes with my mom.  I got to her and my stepdad when I am questioning parts of my recovery. It’s been amazing.
• 150 days ago I wouldn’t let my family make any decisions about my recovery…now every week my mom and stepdad select my fear foods for the week….with NO INPUT FROM ME! THEY HAVE COMPLETE CONTROL AND IT’S THE BEST DECISION I’VE MADE. They are also the reason I only work out 3-4 days a week.. I now listen and respect their input.
• 150 days ago I would never have imagined 150 days of recovery heck I couldn’t have even imagined getting through the day in recovery….TODAY I AM CELEBRATING 150 DAYS OF RECOVERY!

Every time I think I am done with this list I think of another thing these 150 days have brought….but I had to stop writing at some point :P I feel so blessed or these 150 days and all of you have made it possible. And I never thought this would be possible. 150 days was never on my radar. In fact..I didn’t even think about it till last week. I have just taken it day by day, step by step…and 150 days came to me.

These 150 days were filled with tears and smiles, slips and successes, ups and downs, highs and lows…and that’s okay. These 150 days have been far from perfect, but as you can see full of progress. And that’s recovery….it’s about progress not perfection. That’s something an amazing therapist named Wade once told me..and now I see what he meant. Sometimes we need to stop looking at the ways we have slipped or how far we have to go and appreciate how far we have come.

I know I have a long road ahead of me and plenty of changes to make….but I didn’t want to think of that today. I wanted to focus on how far I have come…because I rarely do that for myself. And it has made today AMAZING. I just lived and appreciated today for being 150 days and I stayed in the moment. This allowed me to not spill my oatmeal, to eat the dinner I wanted…to feel I was eating normally for the first time. It allowed me to use my money on things I wanted…new clothes and my first ever own set of pots/pans (I’m growing up!). It allowed me to go to spin class and focus on having fun not pushing myself. It allowed me to face my mom’s selection of blueberries as a fear food even though I didn’t want to. There have been 150 days of freedom…and today was definitely one where I felt free.  Thank you all and thank you God and my daddy watching over in Heaven for making this possible!

WIAW: Freedom finds

Hey guys...gonna be mostly wordless WIAW, but wanted to share some recovery strides even though right now dealing with really loud ED and really bad depression. So here you go. Just three freedom finds we will call it. Need a little positive in my day. Thanks Jenn for hosting! These aren't all my freedom foods did this week...just ones worth sharing right now when barely have time. Rest will share later.

First, my new fav bagel equivalent. 1 cup Breyer's fat free chocolate with PB2 and a sweet potato. Yes...sounds like a weird combo, but its AMAZING. In fact, had it twice this week!

Next up, another bagel equivalent I love and am still terrified of. Jimmy John's Oatmeal Raisin cookie! Also done this twice this week....turn out has been scary and honestly...I've written them off, but they are soooo good. Especially heated up a little bit...so I hope I change my mind. 

I also faced something I used to love. Still seeing if I like it as much as used to, but right now on yogurt kick. Still, I faced fat free cottage cheese. By the way, it melts well in microwave!

And last but not least. For the first time ever I celebrated Cow Appreciation Day at Chick-fil-A. I have always wanted to do this, but either missed it or was too scared to eat anything. All you have to do is dress up partly in cow gear you get free entree, full cow gear you get free meal. Well, I can't eat any sides and honestly just wanted to face the new Grilled Chicken Nuggets. So I ordered a cow hat...and went to get my nuggets. Literally put the FREE in FREEdom. 

They were AMAZING. Got 12-piece and split with parents (we each had 4). 

So those are my freedom finds for this week. I have medical procedure in morning and snacks to do, so I'm off, but I love and am cheering from all of you. Please leave comments since I'm starting to think no one reads this, and me and my recovery and my blog...just don't matter. 

Full portion, full freedom! Truth to combat ED's lies

Sorry no WIAW, but had to make room for something even more important. True freedom food from truth. The truth to combat a lie related to freedom foods. The lie ED uses when he tells you it’s okay to skimp in little areas because you are doing a freedom food.

This happened to me tonight. I am facing a jumbo cookie from Jimmy John’s as my calorie-based snack equivalent. I was only semi-scared about it until I found discrepancies in the calorie count online. ED used this as perfect ammo at first to get me to not do it. But I refused to not face it (and didn’t have the other calorie equivalent options available), so that didn’t work. That’s when he started his lovely trick of justifying skimping.

“Just tear a little off here. Do a smaller potato. That banana looks too bruised on the side so leave that off. It’s okay because you are doing that cookie tonight. It won’t matter. And it will make it easier.” That’s what ED says…and I am sad to admit today I listened. Usually I can combat these lies…but tonight…I didn’t take the time to do that and did the more instinctive, “easier” thing and just obeyed. Well let me tell you…ED IS A LIAR!

He may say it will make it easier or that it won’t count or matter, but let me tell you ED himself is counting up all that skimping. And at the end of the night or whenever you face the challenge (which for me is the end of the night)…he will throw them all back in your face. Every morsel you left behind will suddenly matter. He will tell you it doesn’t matter about your challenge now, because you have failed. Even if you don’t balloon it will just be because you skimped. He will literally laugh in your face and call you stupid.

That’s what happened to me tonight and my head started to spin. I just wanted to make everything right, but I couldn’t go back and undo the skimping. I couldn’t eat back what I had torn off. I started to feel it was all hopeless and I have failed. But then I realized the great thing about eating disorder recovery…every meal is a chance to get back on track and to make room to undo past mistakes. So I used dinner to do this. I calculated about how many calories I thought my skimping added up to….and I added those calories to dinner. Now ED is saying it was too many and yelling at me about that, but I would much rather he yell at me about failing him than failing recovery.

So I will have my cookie tonight. And I will stick a middle finger up at ED. And next time he comes with his sweet whispers of skimping, I will shout back at him one simple word: “No!” Because skimping doesn’t make it easier….in the end it just makes everything that much more challenging. Skimping is not the answer, recovery is. Full portions is. In fact, I think on days you have big challenges, it is even more important to take time at meals and snacks to ensure you get all your portions. When you are walking into battle is when you need your armor the most. And recovery, my friends is a battle. But it’s a battle all of us can and will win! Fight on warrior. One unskimped spoonful at a time!

UPDATE!!!! Just to show ED's butt being kicked

It was delicious. Made me remember the kind of sweets I actually like. Ones that taste fresh. Cinnamon, oats, raisins...I don't have to force myself to try and like rich ones like chocolate if I don't. Don't have to make myself sick trying to eat dessets others like. Can have the ones I like!

Perfect BECAUSE of our Imperfection

Thank you again Beth Moore! It’s been a rough few days guys. I have been dealing with some personal issues I am not comfortable sharing out of respect for the person and have also been getting comments about how I won’t be able to recover without treatment, haven’t hit my rock bottom, or will never be able to be a therapist or nutritionist because I’ve had my eating disorder too long. It had me really down and honestly ready to stop all this hard work. Maybe they were right. Especially since it looks like I will be without a team in TN as well due to finances.

Then I had this bible study and BAM! God hit me. It spoke to the truth I have held on for so long, that God sees our whole lives and uses EVERY part of them to prepare us for our future. Yes…even the mistakes. The mistakes aren’t the end of our story, they are the areas of mending that prepare us for our calling and make us perfect and complete. They are part of the equipping God does of us spoken about all throughout Scripture.

The Enemy wants to bind us up and tell us we are incapable because of our past. Of the ways we have slipped up in the past, but my dear friends, that is a pure LIE. The reality is any time the word “equip” is used in Scripture, the Greek word means “the prepare, mend, reapair, make a perfect fit.” God doesn’t just prepare us…denoting starting fresh from a clean slate, but he REPAIRS us. He uses our pasts, what we see as imperfections, to make us PERFECT for our calling. For a perfectionist like me, knowing I am perfect for something because of my imperfections means a lot.

So yes…I’ve struggled for quite some time, but that doesn’t mean I am not called. That this fire in me to help others isn’t the Spirit. No, my friends, it just means God has a beautiful path of restoration for me. And He has it for you too. And it doesn’t matter how long we have been “disabled” by our pasts. Jesus Christ laid hands on a woman disable for 18 years in Luke 13:10-17. He released her (even on the Sabbath) and “untied [her] from the bondage.” He does the same for each of us, freeing us for our destiny, the one we are PERFECT for.

I can’t sum it up and put it any more perfectly than using Beth’s words: “God mends our pasts to tend to our futures.” Don’t look at your past and think it counts you out, no Precious one, it is the past that counts you in. The mending and repairing that will come from it will make you perfect for your calling. You can heal others best if you can show them where the Lord has healed you. That’s why there are support groups. Because through our similar hurts, we find healing. God can do that even moreso. He can sow up our wounds so we can show off our scars and say to people…you can be healed. So let’s embrace our past, ready for how the Lord will use it for repairing and preparing for our future. All you have to do is bring the Lord your pasts and hurts, He will bring the healing. 

Independence from ED day

Happy 4th. Gonna keep it short, but been rough day...at least at first. Tummy hurt, weigh-in was terrifying, and I was in bad place missing dad. Then took these treats I baked to work and made others happy and that got me happy (and the 40 dollars in tips today was good too).

So decided screw the weigh-in...it's independence from ED day..something really needs fireworks. So I faced some corn on cob at lunch.














And at dinner faced vegan burger on sandwich thin (with spread I will share in my WIAW), a nectarine (think I have new fav fruit!!!), peppers (AND new fav veg). Tried one bite as burger...but nope...tore it apart lol.

And because no ED independence day is complete without dessert a Arctic Zero sundae with a York patty (snowflake because haven't eaten since Xmas) and a Vitabrownie. 



This was AMAZING. I freaking LOVE York patties. Knew I did because they are so light and fresh. I don't have huge sweet tooth...neither did my dad...but mint or spice and you got me! Leave me feeling light after dessert...not heavy. This one as for us papa

So let's shoot off some firework, let freedom ring, and honor the memory of my dad and Pop Bill. Take that ED...today is ED independence day.

WIAW 2: Freedom Finds

So for this WIAW, one its gonna be brief because late writing it and have to get it done by midnight. This is a focus on some freedom food finds/discoveries I had this week and I wanted to start with one I am really passionate about. It’s Peanut Butter!

I will wait to do a full review, but just had to share since it is Limited Edition. The amazing people at Jiff (who after I shared my love for this product and my story sent me coupons) have gone beyond with peanut butter. Let me introduce you to Jiff Whips: S’more and Chocolate Mint flavor. AMAZING.

First off, the texture is much smoother making it easier to scoop these out and I imagine to spread them (I just eat them off a spoon after leaving in freezer). The first one I tried was the S’mores and I love it. To me it has more of a coffee flavor with a sweet marshmallow afterthought. I thought I had met my new PB love…then I found the Chocolate Mint and my life was changed. This is AMAZING. It still taste like PB and isn’t overly chocolate or mint..its just perfect. Gets my PB fix while also making me feel like eating a thin mint and then the sweet mint flavor softly soothes your mouth after giving you a light feeling…something I don’t usually get from PB and love. I just like how airy and fresh these are because it doesn’t leave me feeling as “heavy” as after eating a glob of regular PB. I will do a full review when I try some other flavors, but just had to give Jiff applauds here. Now go grab these flavors before they are gone!

Now onto my freedom finds for the week.

So first off I tried Cascadian Farm Vanilla Almond granola with my fro-yo. I don’t know..still not sure I am a granola fan. It’s a definite fear food and it wasn’t bad….I just don’t think gonna be something I eat regularly. Much prefer cereal or my puffs with this Breyer’s fro-yo…which moved from a fear food to safe food!

Especially when eaten with temp-changing spoons (color change if touch something frozen). .

In fact, here it is again, but I tried a new flavor too! Breyer’s Fat Free Chocolate with PB2 on top. So good. You need to try this guys!

I also faced my fear of eating 80-cal yogurts twice in a day and tried Walmart’s Lemon Meringue Nonfat yogurt. Wasn’t that big of a fan, but oh well.

Then “found” my love of grits. No, not new to me (I live in the south), but first time since my ED I have eaten a full portion and not spilled in. Even mixed in some tuna. Sooo good

I then had a really weird snack craving one night to get my bagel equivalent in. Had mahi-mahi on thick bread with tomato and diet cider. All was calorie equivalent to bagel. Attempted to eat at least one bite as sandwich, but guys I just don’t like all the different textures. It was good, but still iffy on mahi-mahi.

And then, the best combo EVER that makes me a complete weirdo and the end to our WIAW….a bagel topped with mustard/grape jelly spread (just mix 1 tsp mustard and 1 T jelly) and lettuce. It’s so good. Sounds weird, but amazing! So amazing I had it again tonight. 

Well that's a WIAW wrap. Thanks Jenn for hosting