WIAW: My MLK day Freedom

So here is the re-cap from MLK day.Sorry it's so late, been busy. Was written on MLK Day though. 

Jan 19, 2015

Well today didn’t go quite as planned, but I did eat earlier. Basically the all-powerful scale to which I am a slave got me in a very bad place today and I was exhausted from eating late so many nights now. So..basically I didn’t want to eat. I was also quite full, but this could be emotional fullness.

It was honestly scary. It was the closest I have been to relapse since Feb after my dad passed…basically the last time I decided to relapse. It was crazy. And scary. And I hated it. But this time..I couldn’t shake it. It was like being in residential/inpatient again. I knew I had to and needed to eat, but I just couldn’t bring the want to. The problem is outpatient…no one is there to force you.

It did take me till 7 pm, but finally…I came to. I decided I needed to trust God. I decided I needed to be a good example to others. What am I going to tell my future clients. Yes, I was in that circumstance after a scary weigh-in where I didn’t want to eat and I chose not to eat. Yeah…I THINK NOT! So I started eating. And my recovery coach made me take pics…so here you all go! Thanks Jenn for hosting! 

7pm: Lunch and “b-fast” (I don’t really have a full b-fast due to tummy issues and split it into English muffin and prunes and my later oatmeal snack). This was actually a new thing because I ate extra large portion of broccoli as 2 starches because body just wanted it.

11 pm: Dinner. I will admit I could have eaten this sooner, but I let fear and my “need” to finish school work get in the way. But still…eating by 11pm was HUGE improvement. Also, these were scary choices because of the large portions, but the non-scary thing. …accidentally heated my apple slices…which was DELICIOUS.

12 AM: So it was straight into oatmeal snack I went! Working on banana portion sorry guys. Oh and TMI ALERT

Without taking anything I went poo twice….it was crazy. Usually can’t even go once without my meds. Maybe there is something to this timing

OKAY TMI OVER. NO MORE POO TALK lol.

1 AM: Final snack, later than wanted, but reason was good. IT was because I convinced myself after cooking a skimped portion of egg whites to get the full portion I needed. Also, I decided to go with scarier PB and it was deliciousness. Heated up apples again as well. We are working on apple portions too, but baby steps. Honestly…finished feeling proud and not stuffed. Still thinking about scale, but also thinking about this success. Not as early as wanted, but 2 hours earlier than have been. So I call it progress….now for tomorrow…12 AM!

P.S.: To let you all know....I have continued to eat earlier and felt so much better. All until today. Due to flare up of my autoimmune was unable to eat till late, almost lost consciousness, and been up late eating. Didn't want to finish plan but force way through. Oh...and weight did correct itself...like does every single time. Very sick, very tired, going to bed. Scared and would love prayers. Had fatigue, nauseau, no appetite, and almost fainted. Not sure what going on. 

Fear of Succeeding at Dream (MLK SPECIAL PART 1)

This is part one of my MLK Day journey. Wish me luck 

Today faced reality that tomorrow is my first real day off. No work, no school, nothing I HAVE to do. Day completely free. Sure have the gym, catch up on homework, may clean apartment, and going to maybe go to tennis match with roomies…but nothing I MUST do. And I am TERRIFIED. Why? Because it means I am set-up for success with the meal timing I have been trying to correct. No workouts, classes, jobs, internship…anything to get in way…other than myself and my fears. So if I succeed, it’s because of me, and if I fail…again it’s because of me. And honestly…the success scares me.

It scares me to be successful at new way of life and to potentially unlock door to new future. It scares me that I may fix meal timing and my fear of night hunger will be there glaring me in the face. And this brought me to wonder why I fear night hunger so much. I realized it’s because if I am hungry, and I’ve eaten all my plan…it means I really am in some way still restricting. That my body needs more. And that potential scares me.

I don’t have a N telling me what to eat. My therapist is gone for two weeks. So it will just be me, my

hunger, and my realization I need more and I don’t know what to do. “Normal” people would just be able to eat more, but me…I am just too scared. And then facing the reality I don’t want to eat more forces me to face the reality ED still has some control over me. Sure I eat my meal plan and have been for almost a year now….which is a HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT, but I have let some behaviors creep in that in some way I guess could be micro-restrictions. And it frustrates me. And I am scared to be frustrated with myself. I am scared to face head on the reality I still have quite a long ways to go and have barely made any steps forward. And to me..somehow…night hunger will make me face all that.

Yet here I fear something that may not even happen. I might be fully satisfied and better timing just allow me the sleep I desperately need. Either way…I have to do it. Because staying up till 1, 2, or sometimes even 3 am just to get in nourishment body needs...it's just not fair to myself or my body. I have to fix it. I just do. 

And hey, what better day than MLK  day. A celebration of freedom despite insurmountable odds and obstacles. A day I used to spend with my dad celebrating his b-day. A day I can say “I have a dream…” and begin to make that dream a reality. Night all, wish me luck tomorrow.

Happy B-day Dad

No time for long post, but today (Jan 15th) was dad's b-day. It's been a long hard day, but I celebrated like would have if he was alive...with a dessert. First "real" dessert since summer and first cookie in almost two years. It's Arctic zero with Walmart PB cookie and a Vitabrownie. Real PB cookie (btw these are super soft and so good!!! Never had before. Pop in microwave for 30 seconds and they are DIVINE...snuck two extra too to save for later... THANKS ROOMIES!!!!)

Also the normal banana, yogurt, and PB (chocolate edition), and added some cocoa! Know dad would be proud and man...I feel good!!!

Beaten Down by a Blessing?

Crazy night tonight! God blessed me yet again. I went Seveir Heights with my new roomies. I honestly didn’t feel that good going. Was tired, tummy hurt, and was feeling down as tomorrow is dad’s b-day and miss him terribly, but I went. I also gave up a serving shift for tomorrow to spend time with roomies, something would never do before, but felt God telling me it was okay and He would provide.

So we get to church and first we win free t-shirts! Then a person I was supposed to meet up with to discuss small groups happened to be interviewing people and asked if she could interview me. I said sure, I mean why not. Then she dropped a question on me I didn’t have answer to: “If the Walk could get you one thing to help get you through this semester what would it be?” I honestly had no idea…and it took me three tries to get honest:

(1) Pillow pet: me trying to be funny, but something in me didn’t feel right about this answer and so I decided to give a more practical answer

(2) Money for groceries: figure this is something I struggle with and something I need and “normal” to ask for

(3) Labtop: honestly…I asked for this because I started to wonder if they were really going to get the items and if they were….then I really did need a labtop, because come the end of this semester I lose my work one. But there was no way it was going to happen.

Service was amazing and moving and then they said they had some interviews to show. Out of the 20 some odd who got interviewed, I was one of 4 interviews shown. It was the clip about the groceries. The 4 of us were then called on stage and told they got what we asked for. I was excited, but also a little let down. The Lord had already been showing me that He always makes a way for my groceries and I felt bad for trying to come across more “needy” than I am and not straight asking for what I needed: a labtop.

Then the surprise of my life. They didn’t get me groceries. No….they got me a $400 gift card to Walmart. It fit with the grocery idea for them, but would allow me to get a labtop. And that way I  could choose it. They also blessed someone with plane tickets, an IPad, doughnuts and corndogs (yes someone asked for that). I was blown away and still am.

Part of me feels guilty. I mean if I had an inkling they might actually get something and that’s why I asked for labtop was that selfish? I mean I am sure there are people in more need of me and definitely people more deserving. I really am struggling with this. I feel bad now for asking. I mean I have a working work labtop right now I am blessed with….and my old one…why do I need another. Guess I need to learn to accept when the Lord blesses me and not question it.

The craziest thing to is the timing.With my dad’s b-day being tomorrow and all. This whole week in my prayer time the Lord has put the word expectant on my heart and told me to expect provision and blessings around my dad’s b-day. Well here it is. I am just in shock and awe.

Part of me is scared too though, because here I have had this huge public blessing. What if I have needs/prayer requests in future. It would be selfish and greedy for me to ask now that I have been so blessed. Guess will just have to ever raise them to God.

Gave the gift card to my roomeis because knew if I didn’t I would go spend it on groceries for the semester instead of on a labtop. But instead I am going to trust in God to provide groceries and try to learn to accept His gift of a labtop.

Why do I feel fear, guilt, and shame. Why can’t I be normal and feel excitement? Why do the scars of my past eating disorder still haunt me as this self-defeat and shame? Why do I feel bad for asking for a need? I also heard some whispers about the way I look that didn’t help, but why does my mind hand onto that instead of the provision? Why do I feel selfish or in any way think I did this and thus have anything to be guilty about?

 I had no way of orchestrating that the person I needed to talk to and had never met happened to be doing these interviews. I would have never done the interview otherwise. I just need to accept that it was completely out of my control and it happened. Someone help me with these ideas….

Perhaps this is my issue below: 

I feel like I shouldn't get this because I am not enough in need and don't feel I deserve it. I feel thinking I deserved it is selfish. But really, it's an issue of worth. I don't feel I am worthy of it. I can make 5,000 reasons why it was "wrong" of me to get this. And now I feel bad for feeling bad...o geez. 

Keep Faith and Blessings will Come

Sun Jan 11^th

It's been a trying few days, but my bible study Me, Myself, and Lies as well as the love of family and friends has pulled me through and led me to keep my eyes on God. Sometimes tear-filled eyes, sometimes fear-filled eyes, but ALWAYS upward gazing eyes. It's been trying..but tonight proved to me, it's worth it. 

All I can say is I feel blessed tonight. Scared and blessed. I prayed for good tips from God…..and I went to work trusting in this. When co-workers were scared because slower than normal this morning…I just felt was going to be okay. Then all the sudden we got SLAMMED at night. Followed by it again getting slow. I felt myself start to worry a little again….and then I put my faith back in God. Next thing I know the unbelievable happens.

We had a reservation for 30 and at the EXACT TIME that reservation was supposed to be there a party of 30 showed up so we sat them for my co-worker and I was told I was going to help so I had already stopped taking tables. I was then told I didn’t really need to assist and could go back to tables and again felt a little panic, but told myself to trust in God. Suddenly…the ACTUAL 30-person reservation showed up. Yes…two parties of 30 wanted to eat at Mellow Mushroom at exact same time. And because I happened to have stopped taking tables…I was the only server who could take them. And they were from a church. Coincidence? I think not..more like God incidence.

Combining the 42 dollars this morning with the tips I made tonight….I totaled out for over 180 dollars in tips. I feel truly, extremely, and beyond words blessed by God and His graciousness. He is teaching me to trust. In the good, the bad, and the terrifying times. He also taught me I am more capable than I ever imagined. I was so overwhelmed at so many different times tonight, and at end of the night manager told me I performed the best he has ever seen someone do with first huge party. I felt so proud, and again so blessed.

I was also almost brought to tears because this week is also going to be the week of my dad’s b-day. January 15^th. It’s still a hard day for me. Luckily it’s also only day therapist could see me (another God-incidence). As well, this week I was blessed with this night of tips and my stepmom was blessed with a new addition to her family. Can’t help but think God and my dad are just sprinkling b-day miracles along. Man, I am just so blessed and thankful.

Yes I am scared because all of this brought me home late and have class in the morning and a meal plan I must and WILL finish no matter the time. But if God blesses me, it is destructive and clearly the enemy that would want me to complain. So instead I put my trust in Him and give all thanks, all glory, and all of today to Him who provides.  My mom has always demonstrated this for me and reminds me to practice an attitude of gratitude..and for once I am.

Love you all.

Secret to Joy is LOVE (my fav post done so far)

I sit here tonight stunned. Stunned, blessed, excited, nervous, scared. So many emotions…but mostly…I just feel happy. I can’t really explain it. All I can say is it is from trusting God over ED and His love pouring over me. That is only explanation.

This morning wasn’t a good start. I have been exhausted recently so I just stayed in bed. Then I weighed-in and it didn’t go as I (or perhaps it was ED) wanted or expected. My initial reaction was complete distrust in God. I was too tired to act on any desire to exercise and immediately went back to bed. I woke up still feeling defeated and letting ED talk to and degrade me. Filling my thought closet as my bible study speaks about with filthy lies about myself and the nature of God.

I have realized I struggle to trust God because I feel I deserve punishment and that God deserves to punish me. It’s hard for me to believe in His unconditional love when I hate myself so much. So I was laying in bed, miserable because I was bored, coulnd’t exercise since I did my allotted amount this week, and completely distrusting God who proves His love over and over again.

I finally decided to go out and do some back-to-school supply shopping. Went to the store chain my stepdad works for and it just made me feel happy. Being in there just made me smile because I thought of my stepdad and how he has stepped up since my dad passed and loved me like a daughter. Then I found a cute little Rudolph mug on sale and it made me think of my mom and her love…..and I bought it for myself. Then I got better deals than I thought on supplies and left still with ED talking…but feeling a little better. As I got ready for work I had to eat a lunch I was terrified of….and yet finishing it…it somehow slowly chipped away at the defeat ED was making me feel. As I went to work and left ED by the dumpsters were he belongs…I felt happy and free. Seeing the students be back at the restaurant…I just felt life was going to be okay.

What followed was a long, but amazing shifts. Made decent tips…more than expected…but honestly I just felt love from all my co-workers and managers. I was leaving late and was scared to get home because knew had eating to do and didn’t want to keep new roomies up. A simple text to them apologizing in advance got the reply that I had nothing to worry about and they wanted me to take care of myself and do what I needed to do. I felt my roomies love, their acceptance..I felt so blessed.

I came home actually excited to eat and ended up finishing my meal plan, yes later than planned, but I realized I was trusting in God. I was practicing what I learned in my bible study yesterday. Our thoughts…which lead to actions…are rooted in assumptions and presumptions. If we choose to believe and focus on the assumptions we have that are based in lies….our thoughts will bear the fruit of those lies…fruit like fear, defeat, self-hate, etc. But if I choose to believe, trust, and put my hope in God….despite my circumstances…I will bear good fruit in my mind. It was when I chose to trust God, to believe I am loveable….and to receive others love…that the roots of lies were broken and roots of trust and love sprang up. And from those roots I feel what I feel now….joy, freedom, and excitement. Thank you Lord.

facing tons of fear foods.

It is just one simple thing. Just trusting and hoping in something greater than ED. Whatever that is for you. For me, it’s God. But I know not everyone believes. My recovery proves to me He is real, but I understand others aren’t in that place. So maybe put your trust and belief in your family, or dreams, future, or in God like I do. Do what ED says not to. It will be hard at first. It’s always hard pulling up weeds and de-rooting…but when you start to plant those new roots….after they push their way through the mud (ie those icky feelings, tears, etc)…you will be amazed by the amazing fruit you will bear. Prepare for joy, excitement, and freedom beyond words. Thank you God…and thank you family, friends, and recovery warriors. None of this could be happening without you.