O Me of Little Faith (would love feedback)

Aug 14, 2015 Ye Of Little Faith

So it happened again today. Same thing that always happens. Area of my life decide to trust God in seemingly goes out of control and I become terrified. This time not ED but iWhat was hard was when (right after sending group text about trusting God and stepping out of the boat in faith) I check my hours for this week and am way shorted. Right after deciding to give myself a Sabbath. Right after my mom decides to retire. Right after I trust Him to provide.

And what happens. Like always I let this one tiny moment when it seems all is lost make my world spin out of control. Instead of trusting the 10 trillion other times it seemed ends wouldn’t meet and they did, I let my mind spin and spent way too much time going down the rabbit hole of I won’t be able to afford anything. Didn’t help that no one wanted to give away shifts either. And then…I suddenly realized this is so “wrong” of me. I spend so much energy convinced worst case scenario is going to happen instead of just trusting that God will provide. Instead of accepting things as they are and waiting to see how they turn out (while of course still trying to improve them), I just freak out. Wouldn’t it be so much better if I instead worked towards improving the situation (ie look for shifts) and just accept whether or not I get some. Then see how things turn out. And if it appears I don’t make the tips I need, then try and cope with that. Instead of assuming won’t get tips from the get go.

I mean God has always come through and I have reserves just in case I am short a week. I just think it’s hard for me to trust my finances in His hands. Really to trust anything in His hands. I’m sure it comes from my trauma history and always having to be on guard. Always having one trauma come when another ends and always having my stress response heightened. But, just as I tell my clients, things don’t have to be that way. But it takes me stepping out and trusting.

God also gave me a beautiful outlook on this. Every night when I go to bed I don’t lay there and fret over whether the sun will rise. I don’t consume my mind with those thoughts. I just trust the sun will rise the next day. And how much more miraculous is the sun rising than me making money. I mean simple people can make money, so can’t the God of the universe, the one who makes the sun to rise, who paints the petal of the roses, who numbers the stars in the sky provide for me?

All I know is this. Right now, tonight. There is nothing I can do to change my circumstances. I have

asked for shifts, haven’t gotten any, and that is my reality. Right now, that is how things are. IT’s something I cannot control. And that’s hard for me, but it’s something I need to learn is okay if I am ever to recover. So tonight, I didn’t use my addiction to try and regain control. No. Tonight I am breathing, praying the serenity prayer, and trying to trust. It doesn’t feel good. I am still freaking out, but I am praying through it and hoping it will all turn out okay. God says He knows the plans He has for me. I just have to trust this is part of His plan. Or it’s part of Him showing me I am going to have to work Fridays and can’t take off right now. So my mom can have the peace she deserves, I will just have to work more. Either way, He will show me. I just hope the first one is true. That I can trust, can pull back, and He will carry me. Bible says it just takes mustard seed faith, and I think right now I can at least muster up a mustard seed....

Faith Finances Freedom

Aug 9, 2015 

Today taught me a lot. A lot about faith, about life, about love, about trust. And I think is the start of new leaps and bounds in recovery. It all started when I decided to go ahead, invest in myself, and sign up for eHarmony. I was scared about the financial investment, but I truly and honestly felt it, and I, was worth it. I prayed, I trusted, and I paid out the almost 200 dollars…then I headed to work.

Tonight was a SLOW night at Cracker Barrel. So slow waiters got sent home at 6 pm. Everyone was getting concerned and complaining about not making tips, but I refused to get sucked in. I kept trusting God and when doubt came I prayed. Still, it didn’t seem would make tips I needed especially given my recent investment in a Christian fellowship through eHarmony. Then, my last table of the night came in.

It was a lovely family with a 2 week old baby and I really enjoyed having them. They were so sweet. I didn’t do anything above and beyond what I usually do and in fact made some mistakes, but they continued to be so sweet. I had this weird feeling about this family….like they would do something really nice. And still, even though I was cut from the floor and thus this would be my last table and I hadn’t made much…I felt like something…something was going to happen. And it did….this amazing table tipped me 20 dollars. I started to tear up. Same thing had happened to me on Friday with my last table and it just…it humbled me and deepened my faith. I was over the moon.

Next thing I know the host comes and tells me I was needed at the front. That I was just left a 100 dollar tip. WHAT?! Yes, that’s right, this table, the same one just gave me 20 dollars, tipped me 100 later on. I couldn’t help myself, I ran up to them and hugged them. I just, I couldn’t believe it. And you know what they said. That I was sweet, I was amazing, and I deserved it. These amazing thoughts about me from complete strangers. And all I was was me. Nothing special. I was blown away.

So I started to think. If I trust God in finances, and refuse to think negative about them (something I in no way could have done a few months ago), why not do this in recovery? Why not, instead of feeding into the thoughts ED throws at me, do I say “No. I refuse to feed into that I am trusting God.” And trust Him to come through. Instead of fearing my weight will explode, believe (as God continues to show me) I can trust my body, trust food, and nothing bad will happen. Why not take a step of faith? Because God never, ever lets me down.

So I did. Tonight I did. I took that step of faith and I prayed through the ED thoughts. It felt exhilarating. Terrifying, yes, but exciting. This may just be the start of a new, a true, a complete recovery. Thank you Lord for my blessings. For the blessing of finance that may just lead to my freedom.

My Chinese finger trap

Have you ever played with one of those Chinese Finger Traps.. You know…the ones where if you try and pull your fingers out it actually gets tighter. The only way to get out of them (other than have someone cut it off) is to release and push in. To give in to the discomfort. And I am learning in life…my recovery….it’s a lot like the Chinese finger trap.

You see I am still struggling majorly with meal timing and I realized tonight the reason is this. It’s not that I don’t want to change it. It’s not that I can’t. It’s not that it serves me. And it’s not that my fear of night hunger is too great. It’s that I keep trying to rationalize and justify eating earlier. I keep on trying to rationalize away the fear eating earlier brings up. I try to not fear the night hunger. I literally tell myself to stop being afraid. You want to know what happens? I feel more and more afraid and before I know it all I’ve done is avoid eating and I am forced to eat late.

I am essentially trying to fight the fear instead of fight the disorder. Well guess what, I developed the disorder to fight fear…so I am going to have to feel fear to fight the disorder. When I keep trying to avoid or stop my fear of night hunger instead of just letting it be, I am trying to pull my fingers out of the finger trap and things are just getting tighter. Timing is getting worse, and I am stuck even more afraid to eat earlier.

It’s just like this exercise. Okay…ready. Don’t think about your foot. Seriously, just stop. Don’t think about how it feels against the floor. Don’t think about how it feels heavy on the floor. Don’t think of how it feels cold or warm. Just don’t think about it. I bet I can tell you what you are thinking about: your foot.

In the same way the more I tell myself to not be afraid of night hunger. To not push my eating later. To not make my meals last hours. The more I think about these things and the more scared to change I get. So…I am going to try something new.

 

Tomorrow, as I try once again to eat earlier and the fear comes I am not going to do what my CBT

drilled mind has taught me. I am not going to try and counter the thoughts or change them. I am not going to try and rationalize my way out of fear. I am just going to experience it. I am going to accept that I am afraid of being hungry. That it is possible I will be hungry especially eating earlier. That I don’t want to be hungry. I am just going to accept it. Not judge it. Just accept that I am afraid and my fear is real…and I am going to eat anyway. And as the fear grows…I will continue to accept it. I will let myself feel it and if it gets to the point it makes me want to use behaviors or substances, I will then distract. But I won’t think it away. Or try to rationalize my way out of it. I will instead push into it….and see my Chinese finger trap release.

Sned me your thoughts and prayers tomorrow and expect a report of my experience on here (or my new blog) soon.

New Journey, Potential New blog

Sorry haven't been around but now that journaling daily I will be. I may potentially be starting a new blog. A fresh start for a new me and a new journey. This is going to be raw, it's going to be real, and it's going to be recovery. Because recovery isn't all roses, it's terrifying, agonizing, but I hear it's worth it. So to kick things off...

July 30, 2015 NEW GOALS TERRIFIED

I a terrified more than words can express right now. Nutritionist gave me three new goals I helped pick and I am terrified because actually doing them.

1.     Fix meal timing (this one not as scary)

2.     Only allowed 8,000 steps a day when been doing 10,000

3.     Proper portions (especially with starch, fruit, veggie in effort to move towards no food scale use with them)

I am okay with 1 and semi-okay with 3 as I know 1 won’t cause weight gain and 3 is something I desperately want. I want to see if food causes weight gain or if I can eat normal and only way to do that and to one day not have food scale is to get proper portions.

It’s 2 I am struggling with. I only got 8925 steps today. Not even 9000. Didn’t workout and I just feel guilt. And defeat. Like I failed. I know from what I’ve been learning from workbook I need to have the feelings and do it anyway, but I want the feelings to go away. I want to see strength in choosing to not do steps instead of shame. Because it takes a lot more power not to pace than to walk laps around building. I am just so scared.

I know there is potential by limiting steps to see I don’t need to count them. I mean heck didn’t count them in past and lsot weight. But I am scared since exercising less now, if I don’t count the steps I will just end up gaining, ED will be right, and I will forever have to monitor steps. It’s easier not facing it because then at least could hold onto hope that less steps won’t make me gain, but ifI face fear, I find out for sure. I am just so scared. I don’t want ED to be right.

I am also scared because nutritionist keeps saying I can’t do steps right now because of body weight and all that. Well, I don’t want to get used to being lazy and feeling freedom in that, then reach goal weight and all the sudden have to start restricting intake and exercising more to maintain weight. This is always the most triggering part of treatment for me. When meal plan reduces or have to increase exercise because it makes me feel like that little kid again. The one put on diets. But there is nothing I can do now. I didn’t get 10,000 steps and its after midnight, so (in my ED mind) I have failed, but I know in recovery mind and recovery world this was a success. That Katherine would give this a Yeehaw! And dad would be proud. Still, I feel guilt, shame, and fear, but just having to push through them. Let them be there, and move on. IT sucks, but as learned in treatment, if it doesn’t feel like shit you aren’t doing it right.

Blessings in Devestation?

Wed Jun 10, 2015

Well today I got devastating news. My THIRD drug screen for my internship at Cornerstone, one thing in life I wasn’t stressed about….came back diluted again. I figured I would just have to go in for another one. Instead I was informed that they will no longer be taking me on as an intern. I was and still am beyond devastated. This was my dream placement. This is where I felt my calling was. In fact, the day I got the news this was my placement I finally felt I had made it. That life was coming together and my dream, my calling was coming into place.

When I got the phone call it was after a great day. Things coming through for car to replace my totaled one from wreck, amazing first shift at Cracker Barrel, and made a 98 on my exam after only 3 hours of sleep. I was feeling on talk of the world and in just hearing the news, it all came crashing down. First instinct was anger at God and feelings of failing Him, failing my calling. I was beating myself up, blaming myself. Yet I didn’t do anything wrong. I can’t explain the diluteness and I beat myself up like others do saying it was from my ED, but I couldn’t find the connection. Because it’s not due to anything. It’s just a shitty experience. And I really, truly cant explain it. To have your doctors say you are dehydrated and then drug test to say you are drinking too much water just makes no sense. Either way, I needed to stop blaming myself.

I called my mom and cried. I tried to come up with a solution and I just couldn’t. I felt myself getting madder and madder at God. Completely failing to trust Him. All I saw was devestation. I had in one second gone from a high, from feeling on top of the world, to suddenly being in the pits and I blamed God. My mom told me she was in prayer and honestly it pissed me off. The last person I wanted to trust or rely on was God. Especially when I cried out to God and just got the answer that maybe Cornerstone wasn’t where He wanted me.

 But it seemed so perfect. A 12-step treatment center for drugs and alcohol. Seemed like my dream placement. I mean sure, I want to work with people with eating disorders moreso than drugs and alcohol, but was beginning to believe , invest, and be excited for drugs and alchol treatment too. Then that was gone. So how could this perfect place not be God’s calling. And if it was, why had I managed to wreck it?

That’s when radio blasted with these lyrics:

            “He’s gonna turn it into something different

            He’s gonna turn it into something good,

            He’s gonna take all the broken pieces,

            And make it something beautiful like only He could.”

I believe in coincidence, sure. But to be told people are praying for you, to send out a desperate text for help, and then for those to be the lyrics coming from the radio….and for my attention to be drawn to them…that I call a God-incidence. No…that I call a miracle.

• Because it made me think. I mean the song was right. This was the time I needed to give it to God….to give it over to the one who has come through time and time again. Even through devestation.
• ·      I lost my dad…was devastated…felt world was crashing around me. Yet because of it I have grown stronger, my faith had grown, and my relationship with my mom is healing. And I have learned from it so I can help others. Gaining experience no class can teach me.
• ·      Lost my job at Calhoun’s. Devestated. And yet today at Cracker Barrel I felt on top of the world. Loved, cared for, and supported. They called me family. And they have taken me in. And I have learned to value money less, and relationship more.
• ·      I get in car wreck and wreck my body. Again…devastated. Yet, I learned how to get and negotiate my own car deal. I again got closer to my mom. I had to rely on God. And it caused me to re-focus on recovery.
• ·      And now news from Cornerstone. Have to be placed somewhere else. Devestated……but if I follow this pattern, God will bring good from it.

So no, I don’t have the answers. I don’t know why my dad died, I lost my job, I got in wreck. I don’t know why devestation occurs. And I don’t know if God intends it or causes it. But my experience and that song have shown me, when devestation does happen, when darkness falls in and your life falls apart. He will be there with blessings, to mend your broken heart, and to bring you to places you never dreamed.

So maybe Cornerstone wasn’t my calling. Maybe God has something better for me that I was too closed off to see. Because I thought I had the answers. I’m still scared and angry and frustrated and upset, but I am trusting anyway. Trusting, hoping, and praying He has this. Because, at this point, that’s all I know to do.

Jess.