My place in the wilderness

Wow…today has been a whirlwind. It’s dessert day and I have to have Butterfinger on top of meal plan, did peanut butter at lunch, and am going to do plain bagel instead of healthier wheat. Well I figured with all these plans surely God would make my weight be down this morning despite constipation, late night eating, and high sodium day yesterday. Well…I was wrong…wt shot up to yet again and I went into tailspin. Actually, at first I was fine because trusted in God…then started asking other people to justify how I felt….and that’s when got out of control and started to feel uneasy again and stopped trusting was fluctuation. This tailspin continued until I sat down to bible study.

Now first let me just say that I was going to do this video yesterday, but through a bunch of (not so random) circumstances I wasn’t able to. God’s perfect timing was for me to do it today…and it was perfect. Strangely He also has provided perfect hunger for me today…bowel movements…and now peace. So here is the study.

Do your Part, not God’s

That’s the biggest take away I got today, was that I am still trying to play God just in the pure fact that I act so much out of fear. You see, this video was centered around Exodus 14:12-14

¹² Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, ‘Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians’? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!”

¹³ Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lordwill bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. ¹⁴ The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

You see the Egyptians had just the previous week seen 10 miracles God performed to rescue them from the Egyptians, but now at the Red Sea, they doubt and complain. They see the impossible and don’t see anyway out. They see that God isn’t going to take them on their easy path and refuse to let God be God in how He wants to govern their lives because its not how they think it should be. Exactly as I was today. I was mad at God and telling Him how things should go…that things would be better had He just let my weight be down. How dare I! How dare I tell the God of the universe how my life should go when only He knows how it should go.

Luckily Moses points out the 4 things we should do in this time…and I have a little reflection here on each, because each were so powerful and not at all what I was doing. 

•   Be Fearless: our natural tendency is to react to this circumstances in fear…that’s how I always  eact to weight jumping up and Moses knew that, that’s why first step is to be fearless and instead use the Spirit’s strength to get us through. The fear it denotes is one that paralyzes, but (even more fitting for me) one of intellectual anticipation of evil…getting us stuck in our “What ifs”. This is how I always react.What if it goes up tomorrow? What if I never need meal plan increase? On and on…and instead of being fearless I feed the fear and get sucked in. Now, though I am equipped with these verses to allow me to be fearless.

a.       Phill 4:6-7  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. I should exchange fear for the opportunity to pray. Instead of trying to use my mind which brought the fear to combat the fear, I should pray and use the Spirit to be fearless.

b.      Psalm 145:17-18 The Lord is righteous in everything he does;  he is filled with kindness.18 The Lord is close to all who call on him, yes, to all who call on him in truth. I’m always scared that the Lord doesn’t protect me or is out there to test me or to make me face challenge after challenge. But the Lord is kind and He does all out of love. I need just trust this nature of God.

Besides this is the same God of yesterday…literally yesterday when my weight was down. Or the times in the past all has been okay. That is the same God now. He does care, does love, and is there for me. I need not have the answers, just the faith to pray instead of fearing.

• Be still:  this command comes in the verse that says stand firm. This denotes standing and stillness.  tanding requires engaging our mind, will, and body to stand BESIDE God, not in His place. We can tell we are trying to be God when we get stressed or try and manipulate things. But if we only stand…knowing He is God…knowing there is Someone out there with the ultimate control then we could relax and JUST DO OUR PART. The other part of this is being still…we can’t see God if we aren’t standing still….if we keep moving everything is a blur. I definintely need to practice this stillness, and honestly if I am fearless it will definitely be easy because my mind won’t be running around, but instead can be focused. Oh, and a good verse reminder.

a.       Ps 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God…” It is only in stillness we can realize that God is God

•  Be watchful: this requires the standing and stillness because it means looking for where God is showing  imself today…not just focusing on the next season we are moving to. If we keep looking for the next season, or what happened in the past, or where we are going in the future…we miss out on all the miracles God is performing today. It allows us to see the details and beauty of the day. We don’t have to have the enemy, season, or war to end to see this..we just need to be fearless, be still, and be watchful. To practice this we take a PURPOSEFUL PAUSE in the day and ask God to make us AWARE of how He is showing Himself. Not to make Him show Himself, but to make us aware. God is always moving, we just aren’t looking out to see it.
• 
  
• Be quiet: This takes training, because as people we tend to look at these circumstances as problems…and we start to open our mouths and complain to God. Yet there are no problems, just situations God can easily handle. One big thing she said here is that we (as the Israelites) trusted God with our deliverance and need to trust Him with our circumstance and destiny. It’s so easy for me to trust that God is delivering me from ED, yet I don’t trust Him in the steps along the way. Instead I complain and tell Him how things should go, but that’s not trust….it’s me trying to play God. I need to be quiet and trust.

So tonight I am at peace…and honestly it’s because I stopped the begging, pleading, and complaining. I decided to be fearless knowing God is providing just as He said He would. I am choosing to be still…to stop running down every path of what I should eat, how tomorrow should go, and just stand in the moment and the Spirit. I am choosing to be watchful and I am seeing how God is providing today…hunger despite close eating, peace even when about to eat freedom food, the God incidence that led me to this video,  and the time to write this entry…all are miracles from God. And I am being quiet…ceasing and repenting of the complaining that occupied so much of my time today. This is going to take practice…but I hope to continue to use this, not just on this journey, but wherever God leads. 

And He lead me from first to last bite to eat my 1st butterfinger since was 12

Where I'm At Wednesday: What is Love?

Sorry I have been on a hiatus (heck I doubt people even read this anymore, but whatever). Anyway, I have been going through a lot mentally, emotionally, and physically so I just had to take a break and do some writing and reflecting just for me, so it wasn’t anything wanted to post on the blog.

BUT…I’m back and here is the truth of where I am. I am STRUGGLING…but NOT IN BEHAVIORS. In fact, this is the first time in my life I am struggling so much emotionally..yet pressing on and trust me…it’s not my strength, but His that is getting me through. I have been having to deal with the rapid weight gain of recovery and its scaring me. Most times it turns out to be a fluctuation…but it doesn’t mean in the moment its not real.

And today…that fluctuation brought a scary reality of moving up a weight bracket. It scared me so much that I finally journaled about something I have been putting off journaling about. You see..I have come to a realization of what is behind my ED.

I have always told people I didn’t lose weight or I don’t restrict for attention…and while that to some degree is true…I am realizing I really did use my ED for attention and I am trying to accept that. I’ve noticed I am scared of this weight bracket because it makes me feel I am getting healthy…because I’m not cutting corners anymore or using my behaviors..I am doing what I need to do…and I don’t want to turn back. So this weight barrier is one I am going to go back above, but never back below…and that scares me.

I have come to realize to me being sick has been the reason people pay attention to me. It seemed before I developed anorexia and got underweight…my family just didn’t notice me. I wasn’t the problem child, I had good grades, and I was (seemingly) fine with my eating…so I guess I just didn’t get any attention. But as the weight started dropping I got an extreme surge of what my mind deemed “love.” Everyone panicked and wanted to save me…sending me here and there, calling all the time to make sure I was alive, calling after every appt hoping maybe, just maybe I had gained weight. It felt nice to be noticed, to feel loved…even if it was in such an extreme form.

So what about now? Now that I am gaining. Well I can tell you the calls don’t come as much, people don’t seem concerened…and honestly…I feel myself fading into the background. Going home this weekend for 1^st time ever having gained weight in college…it was hard to not get the freakout from parents or the attention I was used to. I still had a blast with my dad and stepmom and we talked about other things so I felt supported and loved…but when it came to a laid back day with my mom…I just felt there was nothing to talk about. She didn’t do or say anything to make me feel unloved or unnoticed..but I did. I guess I am so used to the tears and pleas that I don’t recognize other forms of love. And I noticed when the feeling of unlove went up..so did a desperation in me to try and restrict…to go back to losing weight.

I didn’t act on any of those symptoms…but the temptation was through the roof. It made me realize I am scared to be healthy because that means I won’t be the underweight dying skeleton in the room…and I am scared that will mean people don’t even notice me in the room. I am scared that I, Jessica, am not enough on my own to warrant attention. I also don’t understand what else love looks like if it is not desperation to save my life.

So where am I at this Wednesday? Confused. Confused about what to do now that I know this. I mean I don’t want to relapse….because that honestly serves me no purpose. But it feels weird to still keep on trudging forward with this unrest inside of me.

I am angry…and ashamed. This comes from the fact that I have fought so hard against the notion that anorexia is for attention. But I am seeing mine kind of was. Not the “Hey, hey look at me and how thin I am” kind of attention that the world seems to think we restrict for. But just the “Please, someone notice me. Show me you care. Let me know you love me” kind of way. It’s much deeper than just attention seeking…all I wanted is love.

And I am hopeful. Because I don’t want to relapse. Yes, this scares me too because I am motivated which means I may actually recover and not be the anorexic anymore. I know lots of people struggle with giving up their EDs, but I choose not to see recovery that way. Anorexia, BED, and non-purge bulimia will always be part of my story and that story is part of who I am…so I am not letting go of anything per se…I am just accepting something new. I am putting anorexia as part of my past, and recovery as who I am now. It makes me hopeful that I am not running back to relapse and I owe that completely to the slow rate my N is taking with me, the peace God is giving me, and the support of friends and family.

Now, I know this is an irrational fear…that I will lose out on love. I haven’t loved my friends any less when they recovered…in fact I reach out to them more then. I didn’t love my dad any less when he stopped drinking excessively and got his anger under control, in fact I went to him more. When my mom stopped drinking I didn’t love her less…in fact it allowed us to spend time together. I am just so scared it will be different for me. I mean I went to my dad’s more because our relationship made me feel whole. I reach out to my friends because they know where I am mentally. And I spent more time with my mom, because she is my mom and I wanted a mom-daughter relationship. All these people have things to offer a relationship…and I am scared I don’t. I just don’t see what I bring to the table?

And right now I don’t have the answers…but I am just moving forward in the uneasiness. I know the answers will come through therapy but I can’t wait for the answers to keep recovering. I can’t go back to relapse, because then I lose my mind (literally) and all these insights, and everyone goes back to being scared I will die…and honestly…I don’t think I have another recovery in me. If I relapse now…I’m not sure I would make it back….and I have too many dreams to live for. 

Guide to Facing Freedom Foods

This guide is based on my own experiences over the past week or so of really facing freedom foods....even with my weight doing things I couldn't explain (yes, I did get to experience the ballooning). Even when I felt like it wasn't okay. Even when everything in me said not to. In the end, it came down to choosing to trust God and that small voice inside telling me everything would be okay. So the biggest guide: TRUST GOD...TRUST YOUR TEAM...TRUST YOURSELF...but since we (or at least I) like list and specifics...here ya'll go. Just remember..this is what works for me...what works for you may be different :) 

These past few days (which were actually in the gain and when I had to trust even more) I actually felt more free….and here are some HELPFUL things I have found help me

•  I have really enjoyed bringing a journal and taking picture with my camera. To me, these  ictories are huge and honestly..I like to remind myself so next time ED comes up and says I can’t eat something I remember I CAN and HAVE. Also, journaling out how I am getting through the situation has helped each time I have faced a fear food.
• I also have made sure to ask my N the proper serving size and exchanges and TRUST and OBEY what she says. If it is a food you haven’t allowed yourself in a while its okay to ask for help from your N about how to eat something. And it’s better to ask and face the fear of eating more than you thought than to undereat, share with your N how you ate the fear food, and find out you mistakenly restricted. Trust me…it’s much harder to have to eat more the second time around.
• Let other people know. This has been something big I have done this time around. Instead of just telling people after what I am going to have, I let them know ahead of time. That way they can lift up prayers and usually my amazing friends also send supportive texts J Or in the case of my b-day cake tomorrow…even come out and do it with me. Know that it is okay that you are afraid of foods and is nothing to be ashamed of. Those who love and care about you will support your decision to face the food!
• Have a plan for the meal. For me it is helpful not only to plan out when I will do the fear food but also HOW. I usually like to bring something non anxiety provoking to read and also allow myself to journal out anything ED tells me to do/not to do during the meal. It has been really helpful to do this. I also pray continuously through the meal. For example, the egg white omelette proved to be a HUGE challenge for me so I just told myself: “God cooked this omelette through that worker. It is the perfect, right, amazing amount for my body. God is good, I am good, this omelette is good. Nothing about this is wrong. It is all perfect and from Him. I choose to trust God, I choose to trust my N, I choose freedom.”
•   Stay present and taste the food. This is the hardest for me and something I am working on now. But even if it is just for first few bites allow yourself to taste and maybe even enjoy the food. It is okay. Food is something to be enjoyed…plus if you don’t taste it you will never know if you like it…and trust me…your N will make you keep facing it until you taste it anyway haha.
•  Which brings me to something that is CRUCIAL in my opinion. Continue to face the food. I know my personality is to just face the food and check it off my list..the problem with that is (at least in my experience) you don’t get rid of the fear then. The item (at least temporarily) should become a regular part of your intake. That way it becomes natural and normal to have and honestly the more times you do it….the less scary it gets.
• Oh and one more thing I am just now learning….Let yourself face it even if not planned. These past few days I have had craving for my freedom foods even though me and my N didn’t choose for me to face those specific ones this week. But I have come to the realization that by denying myself the right to have the food…well that’s just a form of restricting and just increases the fear. Plus why not do it when I actually WANT to instead of when someone is making me. It’s hard to do, but trust me it’s much more enjoyable..and the freedom is so much greater.

I have also seen in the past few days some old behaviors I used to engage in that weren’t helpful at all and held me back from experiencing freedom that comes from facing the fear these foods may bring. I haven’t done these things in my latest attempts to face the foods…and I think that has made all the difference.

·         Ignore other cravings that come up: I used to make sure that on days I had to face fear foods I planned it out and rigidly stuck to a safer menu. Here is the problem I have found with that…it prevents any freedom from coming. Instead,  eating the freedom foods only becomes okay if everything else is safe…thus there isn’t any new freedom…just new restrictions.

• Plan your whole day around the food: I know I said to have a plan FOR THE MEAL….but I used to agonizingly plan my whole entire day out around the food. It took an hour just to plan out the one day and the whole time ED was in control basically trying to “balance out” the “good” and “bad” foods. ED said it was okay because my N had said that everything would balance out…ED was right…that is what she said…that everything would balance out…what she didn’t say was I had to balance everything out. That’s not freedom…and it takes away any enjoyment or freedom eating the food brings. And trust me it doesn’t make it easier because you are never being “balanced enough.” And there isn’t any “good” or “bad” its all just food and it all can fit into your plan J
• Wait for the “right” day: I used to NEVER allow myself to face a fear spur of the moment or  multiple foods on the same day because I felt I was doing “good enough” by facing the one or two assigned. I figured I would wait for a “better day” to face the other foods. Again this is just ED trying to be compensatory for the fact you ate one of his forbidden foods. In essence…it’s another kind of restriction. By DENYING yourself a food you are craving because you are eating a fear food you are DENYING yourself true freedom. And then if you find out you shouldn’t fear that food it becomes okay to eat it as long as you don’t eat other certain things with it…basically more restrictions added on.
•    Compensate in any way Again…anything you do to “compensate” for something (which is a good thing for you to do despite what ED is saying) ED will just use against you later. It will just become a new thing you HAVE to do anytime  you eat this food. It will stand in the way of true freedom.
• Look up the details Numbers may have guided us for a long time…but they guided us back to ED…so trust me, save yourself the headache, and let whatever motivation you have (for me God and my passion for ED work in the future) to steer you away from looking up the numbers and into blind and complete trust. This trust will bring you freedom J
•  Focus on the future Be in and enjoy the moment…allow yourself to taste the food. Try to not let your mind wander to what this food may or may not do…and if it does wander there DO NOT ENGAGE. It may seem helpful to try and rationalize how it won’t do whatever it ED is saying it will..but trust me this leads to a tailspin. What I have found helps instead is just repeating a phrase like…I choose trust or a bible verse or something and to bring myself back to the moment.

Basically what I have learned with facing the freedom foods and honestly just with this recovery journey in general is in order to learn I can trust my body I need to actually trust it. That means honoring hunger and cravings. It means not coming up with excuses to not face fears, but just facing them in the moment. I have started to just tell myself that if I am wanting to do something in recovery, it’s God telling me it’s right timing and so I just need to do it and He will see me through. I figure the scarier it is to do, the more freedom can be gained from doing it.

Trust me it’s not easy at all. I have had panic attacks and it’s been uncomfortable, but I’ve been doing it. Just eating what I want regardless of if it seems “right.” Reality is..it is right because it isn’t restricting, it’s in my meal plan, and it’s what I want. It’s right because God is telling me to do it. And only by clinging to God and that truth have I been able to push through. This is the life I want…..one where I can trust and learn I can eat whatever I want and it will all be okay. That is only going to come if I do it. So it’s been scary, but with the help of God I survived…in fact (most of the time) when I finished and relied on God to push me through the fear I felt proud and, dare I say, EXCITED.

Facing freedom foods this new way where it’s about the experience and not about it being right or planned out or even my weight being in a comfortable place or not going up (which it needs to do anyway because I am on weight gain) ….it’s been much more positive experience, scary, but also much more positive. I just take the day as it is, the freedom food as it is, and practice trust not control…again it’s practice and I have a lot more practice to do. It’s so much scarier, but also so much more amazing this way. …especially when you learn there may be fear, but God is stronger and that fear need not hold you back. And I know one day I will see AND ACCEPT there is nothing to fear.  

Truly Happy 21st B-day

So it has come...my 21st b-day and the 1st b-day in 6 years I had cake! That's right I did it. Here is the play by play.

It was a great morning and afternoon except my timing got off. Because of this (and the fact wanted to get my timing down) I had to eat lunch then right after put together snack and dinner. I felt horrid, not really in the tummy department, but the guilt department...yet I knew I made the right decision.

So my friend showed up at 7 pm and drove me downtown where we first went to Starbucks and chatted. The anxiety just kept increase and increasing, because I knew the minutes were ticking to the time to face the cake. But I mean no one can feel bad when your friend gets you a tiara, pin, AND sash.




After talking a bit we decided to head to the fateful restaurant where we both would strike mighty victories and we arrived and Last Resort Grill! The anxiety in me welled up, but also so did excitement. They seated us at a reserved table and as we walked to the table I saw the cakes all in their displays and on the various tables diners were at...and anxiety kept increasing. What if there wasn't a flavor I liked? What if it tasted bad? What if it was too rich? All these questions swirled in my mind, but having Becca there just put me at peace.

 Our waitress came out and explained the dessert menu, but I already knew I wanted the lemon cake, so I didn't listen. She explained they had cheesecake, layer cake, and tiramisu and I told her we were doing layer cake. I then let her do her duty and tell us all the flavors knowing full well I was having lemon....but I noticed amidst the chocolate flavors (there were like four kinds), red velvet, carrot cake, hummingbird, raspberry, and strawberry...she had failed to mention lemon. That's when panic hit. I told her I wanted lemon cake and she said because it was Sunday they didn't get a cake delivery, but she would check to see if they had any leftover. She then asked for my second choice just in case....I had never thought of this happening and I got scared. I knew I wasn't a big cream cheese icing person and knew I didn't like rich cakes like the chocolate ones, but was that me or my disorder? I was so scared to make the wrong choice on such an important day. I really don't like heavy cakes, but was that a "scarier" more recovery oriented option. I really wanted something light and refreshing like the lemon cake.

The waitress said her favorite was the raspberry. That is was a white cake with a little raspberry jam in it and whipped topping. I mean it didn't sound bad, but I had never had a cake like that and I mean it didn't scream to my taste buds, but neither did any of the other choices. And I didn't want strawberry, so it was between raspberry and hummingbird...but honestly I didn't want hummingbird...it just sounded too rich. Thankfully, Becca doesn't like hummingbird so we were left with raspberry. As the waitress left I questioned my choice. Would it be good? What would my family think? My mom doesn't like fruit flavored stuff so she probably would be more proud if I faced chocolate. I asked Becca what she would have done and she said raspberry or Mocha Chocolate....in that moment my brain questions why I didn't do chocolate. Was it my disorder or did I really not like it. I didn't want to take the easy way out. Then the waitress came with a slice with a candle in it...when she came out to the patio where we were sitting...I could tell it was the raspberry. When she put it in front of us and explained there wasn't lemon I told her we were now thinking Mocha Chocolate. she said she could bring that out...but honestly...I didn't want the chocolate..I was just scared of the unknown in this flavor. Becca looked at me and with that peace only she can bring me said she thought we should stick with this flavor (she was right...had I changed my mind I would have questioned that). And so raspberry it was.

I got to blow out candles in a cake for first time in 6 years! I was so excited I forgot to make a wish! I then got to enjoy the 1st bite of a restaraunt cake EVER! And guys...it was amazing. It was light adn airy, but sweet too. It wasn't that fake tasting cake of childhood parties or the kind you buy at the grocery store. It was pure and simple and sweet. It wasn't a heavy layer of buttercream, but the refreshing taste of whipped topping. And the raspberry tasted fresh and light too. It was honestly the best cake I have had in forever. I still feel guilty that I like desserts like this and not the double chocolate or cream cheese ones my mom's family enjoys...but I am trying to accept it's not my ED...I just...I have different taste and that's okay (thanks dad for reassuring me of this).

And me and Becca did it together and it was so much more about the experience than the cake! It was honestly the best birthday I have had in...I don't even know how long!









Bite by bite we shared this cake and experience. And I felt true joy. My ED was talking sure...it was saying I ate more than her that I had more icing...blah, blah, blah. But I told Becca exactly what it was saying...and she assured me her mind was saying the exact same thing. That brought me a strange sense of comfort. We couldn't both have eaten "too much" or more than each other..nope...we both were eating the amount we wanted and what we deserved...that's why ED was so mad.





As the cake began to disappear...my mind began to spin. I realized soon the cake would be gone, and unlike in times past where I have eaten desserts I didn't like just because others wanted me to...I felt okay about that. I felt..dare I say...SATISFIED! It gave me sweetness I wanted...but that's just it...I wanted and enjoyed it. Again I felt bad about this because my mom wouldn't have liked it and I again began to wonder had I done something scary enough. It was an amazing cake and the type I wanted but would it have been more right to eat something richer like cream cheese icing or chocolate if that wasn't what I wanted? But I silenced the voices and enjoyed my cake...the one I HAD CHOSEN. The one GOD had provided for me to choose.

And then we got to this piece and I got scared. I knew soon the experience would be over. I looked at the slice left and looked at Becca. I felt she needed to eat it because surely since I started from the top and she from the bottom I had consumed more cake and icing than her and thus didn't need anymore. She needed more than me. Instead of keeping this inside I told Becca and again she told me her disorder was saying the same thing. I won't lie...I am still scared I ate more than her, but you know what...I ate what I wanted.

To solve this dilemma we both had this piece together and when we got to the final bite we split it. And just as the journey had begun it ended: together with the amazing girl I am lucky and blessed enough to call a friend. It ended with a single bite as it had begun...a single bite taken together with a friend...a single bite that claimed our victory...a single bite that gave glory to God...a single bite that made it a truly (for the first time in years) HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

Thanks to Becca and to Last Resort Grill. Couldn't have done this without you, your support, and without God by my side. thank you Becca for never giving up on me and for letting me know it all was and would be okay. Couldn't have imagined a better girl to savor this moment with!

So some people may go out on their 21st and celebrate liberation in finally being "legal" to drink alcohol...me...I celebrated finally being "legal" to enjoy my birthday and the cake. To being legal to be free of ED, for allowing myself to experience life and live in the moment....I was free to just be me. That is the best gift I could have ever asked for!