Reality of Relapse

ED told me going into this relapse that it would be okay. It was actually going to be beneficial because I would stick to good portions and the contract, just adjust my intake. And then, come back at my next N appt on Oct 23^rd ready to start gaining again. It seemed perfect…and it was…because it was a complete lie. I forgot the reality of relapse I have realized each time I start to relapse....it only makes you worse. This is day 10 of relapse…and I have undone all the work I put into the almost three weeks on contract.

                

This is the reality of relapse. The first day sucks honestly. ED picks on you and reminds you how he was right and you can’t eat and that’s why you have to relapse. He scares you it won’t work and tries to convince you to restrict even more than you originally planned. Luckily I had support that kept me from doing that. Still you are exhausted and torn inside because you know you really don’t want to do this…but you just feel you have to.

 The next day may be actually okay. You are restricting, but sticking to the other aspects of your contract and even the portions. And look…you are losing weight! It’s so exciting and you are feeling like you can eat and still lose weight. But somewhere in the day your fears will pop back up and you will be scared you won’t lose the next day and ED will tempt you to exercise more.

This will continue and you get more and more tired and more and more obsessed. Things you worked so hard to overcome fears of become too scary to eat. Veggies and fruits become feared again. The fear foods your nutritionist prescribed you to do become optional. Everything becomes about losing weight. And you are freaking exhausted. Beyond tired exhausted. In fact, you have to miss church and meetings and time with friends because you are so cold and shaky and exhausted….you can’t function. Studying becomes a chore and life becomes exhausting.

You become desperate to hit that magic weight so you can eat again because your body is screaming for food. You are completely miserable. And you are so hungry that soon into relapse…at least by day three…your timing gets horrible. You start hoarding your snacks for night. And all that causes you to get constipated again, but you get scared how that will impact your weight so you use laxative which wrecks havoc on your system.

So here you are…probably only 6 or so days into relapse and what has happened: your freedom foods are back to fear foods, you are going against what your nutritionist said to do as fear foods and thus breaking contract, you are exhausted and constipated, you are weighing daily and thus breaking contract, you are breaking timing and thus breaking contract. And then…you are so sick you stop losing weight. So you reduce even more and to make things even better you bring in the food scale again….literally losing all parts of the contract.

And so you reach day 10 like I am in now and you are sick and tired of this relapse but driven to lose to that magic weight. This isn’t fun, it isn’t good, it isn’t helpful, and you feel more out of control than ever. Add to that the fact you went to doc and your pulse is only 42 bpm and your blood pressure only 82/52. You were so exhausted at Ultimate Frisbee game you missed a game changing point. You are so tired it’s hard to study for the exam you need to do well on. And yet none of it matters. In a few days you life has gone from being focused on future, on God, on living....to a number. This is relapse…this is the reality.

So let’s see…ED said it would be short….but you are on day 10, wanting it to end, and probably stuck in it longer…so that was lie. ED said it would be helpful, but you are measuring veggies and fruits again and scared of an extra few calories every day…so that again was lie…it’s harmful not helpful. ED said it would feel great and make you feel in control…instead you are constipated, exhausted, your body is shutting down, and you feel absolutely out of control. ED said you would stick to contract…but there is no part of contract even still in effect. This is relapse and the nature of ED. ED robs you of life, of living, of truth. And he traps you to. He traps you to a magic weight or magic date keeping you stuck in misery. This is reality. So next time ED lies to you and tells your relapse is the answer….focus on the reality…relapse is Hell…relapse is death…and ED is a liar. 

I honestly trusted this relapse. I trusted it would make me more secure in my recovery somehow. But honestly. I am more scared than I have ever been. I am scared that I will push my body too far. I have never had this low blood pressure. Never had circles this dark around my eyes. Never been so scared that I may be putting my disorder before my very life. And yet...I'm so deep in relapse that looking back...I would still choose to lapse. That is what this disorder does to you. I can't wait to break free of this relapse...and of this ED once and for all. Be on lookout. Next post is about what ED robs me of. Basically will be letter to self. 

Fuel My Future

So recently I have been thinking I need to have two types of post out there for me to look back on for inspiration and today I am feeling very future driven so I am going to do 1^st installment which is what I want my future to look like and the other installment will be what Anorexia has stolen from me. There will be different categories in each as you can see. I have just started to realize that I need to accept how my recovery (including food plans) fuels my future. So when I lapse or mess around or try to keep myself from doing challenges, I just stand in the way of fueling this future. But I am a very concrete person and need to see my goal clearly…so here it is. The future I am fighting for.

Food-Wise

Oh man I could go on and on about this. Oh there is just so much I want to be able to do….so many victories I want to see myself achieve. Honestly I just want to be normal and eat without numbers swirling in my head. I don’t know if I want intuitive eating because I like the structure and sanity of a meal plan, but that may change. How do I see my future though?

I see myself in Denver being able to go out to restaurants or coffee with people. Go out to coffee shop and grab a bagel with the girls.  Able to eat with people and not freak out. Able to eat without measuring things. Eating desserts every week if I want. Going out for fro-yo and enjoying the experience and yogurt with whatever toppings I want. Not stressing about number of calories today vs yesterday. Not worrying about how much fiber I had that day. Eating more if I am hungry to. Just living life…and having food be a part of it.

Then when I am married…I see myself cooking for my husband and enjoying meals with him. Us sitting at table for dinner and talking with each other every night. Us going out to resteraunts and movies and me not caring about food. On the weekends, us going out for run or cycling then come back for great b-fast and coffee on our porch as we watch our dogs run in the yard. At night we will sit on the porch and enjoy a snack or dessert if hungry as we watch the sunset, pray together, and wind down.

And during this time I will be able to eat at the treatment centers I work at and be an example for the girls there. Food will be fuel not numbers and I will be able to eat what I want when I want. I will be able to go out with people without being scared if food will be involved and how I will have to lie to avoid it. Life will be great, and I will be free.

Oh…and ED is wrong I won’t be fat eating this way. I will be a healthy weight and functioning. Working out and racing/cycling as my body allows. Having no fear foods and just being free!

I know this is still hypothetical and all so here are some specifics I definitely want to accomplish in near future:

•  Eat fruit and veg without measuring or worrying about calorie count
•  Allowing myself condiments again
•  Eating peanut butter because heck…I like it
• Being able to eat dessert once a week if I want…having the freedom to indulge
• Eat Jimmy John’s again
• Be able to go to resteraun
•  Be able to get calorie drink at Starbuck’s
•  Be able to go to fro-yo with friend and get whatever topping I want
•   Able to chew gum when I want without worrying what 5 tiny calories do
•  Able to TRUST what nutritionist says instead of relying on scale
• Eat freedom foods and taste them, enjoy them, determine if I like them instead of whole time wondering what they will do to my weight
•   Allow someone else to cook and/or plate my food
•   Eat with people
•   Not worry about how much eating when active vs not

Life wise

This actually came up recently in a staff meeting when we were drawing questions from a fish bowl to bond as a team and I got the question of sharing a day in my life in my future profession. It really got me thinking about how I want my life to look.

Okay….let’s start with Denver:

During the week I want to go to classes and then during breaks go have lunch with my classmates while we chill and maybe even talk about class. After I want to go back to my apartment or wherever I live..possibly with a roommate, and help cook dinner and us sit down and eat together. Oh also I want to either get up early in the morning and go for run/cycle before classes, or go to gym at night. Just be active and have fun. I want to be participating in 5Ks and training for my first half marathon. I want to have a dog I am training to be a therapy dog. Right now I am thinking a rescued Australian shepherd type dog, but whatever dog I just get that feeling with will do. I also want to be working at Starbuck’s. Oh and dating…that’s a definite. And to be part of a church which is where I am hoping I will meet my significant other. I want to have a Christian roommate and us to bible study together. Mostly…I just want to be happy and free. Living, experiencing, and enjoying each moment without worrying about the next.

But after graduating, getting my MSW, and hopefully being married:

I want to wake up each morning to the note my sweet husband leaves me (don’t worry I will leave him one too in the lunch I lovingly pack for him). Then I will go on run/cycle and have coffee over bible study. Then it will be off to work at the treatment facility. I will pack up Champ (this is what we are going to call my imaginary dog for now) and we will be off to help girls with eating disorders. After work I will come home and cook dinner for my loving husband (who will help no doubt if he is home). We will sit down at the table and eat together and enjoy conversation with one another. There will always be candles which we will light before every meal. We will pray together before the meal and at the end of the meal have a devotional time. We will then both do dishes and maybe take Champ on a walk. Then we will come back, go to our rocking chairs on the porch, sip some tea, and watch the sunset. We will then pray together and turn in for the night.

On weekends we will go on our run/cycle together or maybe even plan a hike. We will go back home and enjoy our warm bowl of oats and coffee on the porch as we look at the beautiful view and allow Champ and our other pup to play in front yard. We will have a bible study time. We will spend the day running errands and just being with each other. Probably clean the house and boring things like that, but mostly just being with each other and relaxing. On Sundays we will go to church where we will also volunteer in whatever ministry area we feel led. IT will just be a life of peace and presence. Days won’t really be planned, but just be free because we will be free. There will be love and peace and joy. What there won’t be is any eating disorder or food worries or weight worries clouding my day. It will be amazing. I will be happy. God will be the center of my life. And my ED will be a thing of the past. 

New plan....but is it right?

So thought I would give a little update but just so you know….this is going to be really real. If you are triggered by reading my weight don’t read this...or at least not the paragraphs I italicized. .I need to be out there and honest so I will be using numbers. But want to let you all know of my next post…I am going to be writing what Anorexia robbed me off so I can look back when I want to lapse and see why not to. There will be a food edition, a relationship, and a life edition. Anyway onto update.

I’m in a weird place. I thought I was doing so well last week…then I let one day…one bad day…throw me back weeks. This was last Wednesday. I freaked out about the weigh-in being so shocking in that I hadn’t gained and in fact had lost despite doing my plan. Somehow this made me delay eating and timing got horrible. I had fought so hard for the week to have good timing…but it got way off that day and I felt miserable. I went to bed determined Thursday would be a better day.

But then I let fear on Thursday take me over and everything messed up again. And Friday…well I had that weigh-in I had earned and it wasn’t exactly how I wanted or expected and I let that one moment…that one number…I let it throw me back. I didn’t even realize it till now. But I went home and commited to doing two three mile walks and convinced myself it was to socialize with family.

Well…when I went on the walks I added in the “challenge” for us to run too. And I made sure I was always ahead of the family so I could feel I was going faster and burning more. Then my family had dessert and my favorite Jimmy John’s to celebrate on Friday…I went with a safer option. Saturday another walk and I made sure I ate safe yet again. I also delayed eating all day and found ways to stay busy so I wouldn’t eat. So again timing sucked.

Sunday rolled around and I told myself I would get timing right, but just because I wanted the weigh-in to be perfect. I did everything right and went to bed, hoping and praying it would all be okay. That my N would be right and the slight increase in weight Friday would be a result of eating late. But Monday came and the weight was still there and I was in a tailspin. And I threw in the towel.

This was all after and amazing realization on Sunday about why I was so resistant to weight gain. When I realized my fears of losing my nutritionist and having to eat on my own. On being healthy and thus being alone. I am scared to get healthy weight before graduation and lose my team and have to do it all on my own. So on that Sunday….I made what I deemed was the perfect plan. I calculated when I needed to start gaining in order to only get to 115 by graduation…I e-mailed my team and told them that day (which I miscalculated as Nov 6 when it’s actually Oct 30) would be when I would start to gain from 88 lbs. I wouldn’t stand in the way because I would know if only gain 1 lb/week as promised…I would only get to 115 by graduation and I could live with that.

So..when Monday didn’t go well I threw in the towel. Because by still being 88.8 well my plan couldn’t work….and since that day I have been in a restriction to lose weight mode. I hate it. I hate every minute of it. I hate questioning everything again…wanting to eat more but telling myself no. I used to feel power and strength from this. Now…now I just feel disappointment…yet I can’t stop. I felt more in control when I was eating than I do now. Luckily I didn’t do the huge decrease I planned…but I still decreased my intake and I am still allowing myself to be miserable when all I need to do is eat.

So I am in a relapse of sorts I guess. But I feel my plan…the graduation plan…I feel it is really going to help…especially when I let my N change it. Why? Why did I let her change my plan and make perfectly safe one scary? Because she made me realize she cared…here is a recap and why I love my N so much.

N Session Recap 

So I went to see my nutritionist on Wed after being on my reduced intake Monday. I was so overcome with guilt I e-mailed her asking if we even needed to meet. I hated coming in as relapsing Jessica yet again. I just hated to look her in the eyes and know I was standing in the way of our work yet again. I have been working with her for 3 years now and she is basically a second mom to me. I trust her more than I have ever trusted anyone.

She e-mailed and told me she still wanted to meet but that we could maybe take next week off. So I went in….so disappointed in myself…but ready to face her. We have an amazing heart-to-heart. I love that I am honest with my nutritionist for once…it really helps.

Anyway..we got around to talking about my plan and she brought up some great points that had actually already been in my mind since therapy on Monday. If I planned it out to gain 1 lb/week to get to the exact 115 at the last possible moment that (1) left no room for any slips (2) because of the 1^st point it probably meant I was setting it up so I knew I wouldn’t get to 115 and (3) left me no room to learn to maintain.

I keep forgetting coming May 9^th….Katherine will never again be my nutritionist because I won’t be a UGA student. After May 9^th…I will lose her as my support. So let’s say I got to 115 (which most likely I wouldn’t with this plan because I tend to struggle over Thanksgiving and xmas break and there will be weeks I don’t gain because of my metabolism or whatever)….walked across the stage at this semi-healthy weight. What then? I go into summer without Katherin and having never maintained a healthy weight. Where would that leave me? Want to know where…set-up perfectly for relapse. For going home for summer, relapsing, losing all the weight….and not being able to go to Denver in the fall.

However if I took a step of faith..stopped trying to control…and decided to start gaining earlier. Katherine could help me learn how to cycle and maintain. How to live the life I have always wanted. This is the moment that changed it all and made me change my plan. She looked me in the eyes and told me this with such excitement in her voice: “Do you know how excited I am for that moment. Let me be honest, I am greedy. I want you to myself. I want to be the person who teaches you how to run or cycle and eat and maintain. I want to be a part of that journey with you. “

With that I knew she was right. I didn’t trust or want to learn to maintain with anyone else. I wanted to have that experience with Katherine. I wanted come graduation for us both to be standing victorious against this long battle I have had to recover. I want to look her in the eyes and be able to say: “Thank you. Thank you so much. We finally did it!” But to do that…it means starting the gain earlier.

So the plan now is come Oct 23^rd I am going back to gaining. No ifs, ands, or buts in the process either. We are agreeing when I reach some weight between 110-115 (still working out what the weight is exactly) that we will maintain. Honestly…part of me wants to go ahead and get started….because what if something happens and it gets delayed and I still don’t get to that weight and never get to learn to maintain from Katherine. Will I be there…look back on this moment…and wonder why? Why did I do that? Why didn’t I just start. I don’t want to be full of regrets.

So right now I am committing to Oct 23^rd…but after writing this…I wonder why not next week? I don’t want to look back and regret this next semester. Look back to this moment and be like…why…why did you put it off? We could have been maintaining with Katherine…but you had to wait….and now we are out of time. But yet I am scared to start earlier than that…because what if everything does go well and I could have had this extra week of time…will I regret that? Will I regret not spending an extra week in my ED?

I mean I guess not…but…I don’t know…I just want to do the right thing and I am lost. Because I am miserable right now, scared to wait too long and look back with regret, but scared to move forward before I have to. I am confused and lost..but good news is…THERAPY TOMORROW!

Coping with Cravings

Warning: specific foods will be mentioned. If that triggers you don’t read J

I laugh because most bloggers who write an entry about coping with cravings would be about how NOT to eat what you are craving for this reason or that, but that's not normal eating...to reach recovery and normal eating coping with cravings means something else. Coping with cravings means eating them when they come no matter what your mind is yelling at you. Basically if you choose the safer thing instead of what you are craving ED wins…and to me at this point..if ED wins why eat at all? So I have just been eating my cravings…and it’s been fine because it’s like a scarier  flavor bagel or a higher cal fruit/veg….till today.

Today…I am not sure what happened, but it’s like this new desire I have for recovery (yes…thanks in part to the maintenance of my weight and subsequent loss this week despite eating my plan) gave my body permission to go crazy. I had a scheduled fear food today which I didn’t want but ate anyway, but I had craving for four other fear foods: craisins, cinnamon raisin bagel, white roll, and corn on cob. AND I allowed myself to chew gum during my exam. Yes..I know it’s silly I fear gum…and corn…and a bagel because I’m scared its too large. These aren’t things normal people fear, but for me it is. And the fact that I am craving all of them (probably due to intense hunger that is hitting) is freaking me out. If I pick and choose which to face then ED still wins out but the idea of eating all of them…I am literally shaking.

But isn’t this what I want? Isn’t normal life about eating what you want. I mean really…in 5 years..heck even next year…do I really want to be sitting there debating what to eat based off numbers and illogical fears or do I want food to just be part of life and just go in and eat what I want? But it just freaks me out. I still don’t trust my body. Honestly…it’s given me no reason not to trust it…it’s just a body acting as it should…but to give into my cravings…it just doesn’t seem right and doesn’t seem controlled…and to me lack of control automatically means ballooning.

But if I think about it…it is gonna take a whole lot more willpower to eat these fear foods than to choose something safer. Perhaps I don’t give in to cravings…perhaps what it I do isn’t “giving in” to cravings as ED tells me I do…but I conquer cravings and honor cravings instead of “giving in” to ED. Because its easy for me to eat safer item….it takes no work, no willpower….it’s just routine thanks to years with ED. But eating my fear foods, especially with weigh-in tomorrow…letting my cravings not calories drive me…that takes effort. That isn’t giving in….giving in denotes defeat and loss of power. Nope…it’s fighting, conquering, trusting, hoping….but it’s not giving in. We don’t “give in” to any aspect of recovery even though for me that’s how ED words it. Nope…the only time we “give in” is when we give up and let ED make our choices.

So coping with cravings…how do we do it? We honor our cravings thus honoring our bodies and the Creator that gives us our bodies and our cravings. God will give you what you need to get through today (that’s your “daily bread”) and that means He will give you the strength to get through any cravings He puts in you to face. So we cope with cravings by eating what we crave. Doing anything else is giving in to ED. And honestly..even if you eat safe and avoid cravings ED will tell you you are going to get fat or balloon or ate too much, etc, etc. So might as well have ED saying that while eating foods you actually want. And actually, in my experience, eating what I crave gives me more peace and makes ED quiet down. So to cope with cravings, eat what you are craving. That’s what I have decided right now I am going to do today. No, it’s not easy. I am freaking out, my head is swirling, I’m literally sweating, and ED is screaming. But it’s the only right thing to do….I refuse to let ED get victory today. I refuse. And I refuse to let the weigh-in I fought to get back to become something that controls me. It won’t happen.

So thanks for letting me vent..it really helped me cope with the fear and feelings I have swirling around. Now I have to go cope with my cravings…one bite at a time. Love you all..thanks for reading and keep fighting…I hear it’s worth it. 

Update: I ate all the fear foods and realized something....God prepared me for this. This morning He had me write Isaiah 41:10 "Do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God..." on the whiteboard outside my door. I rarely write scripture there just because of my position as an RA...but today I felt I needed to. I figured it meant someone needed it...just didn't realize that someone was me. Seeing it when I came back with my fear foods reminded me all I need to do is trust in God. God is stronger than my fears and than the lies ED tells me about food. Food is a gift from God to nourish my body and these craving as just beacons of light so I can find the gifts He has. It is God telling me what to have and I just have to trust He has a purpose in that.

Update and request

So I don't really know where this is going to take me, but it's just kind of an update because I finally have time to write. So I have been stressed out by exams, grad school applications, and just life in general. It seems so hard to balance school, family, job, and then the appts and emotions around eating disorder recovery. The weeks just fly by and I am left feeling lost.

So with midterms coming this week I had decided Mon I would go back to cutting out the bagel snack as I did a few weeks ago. I was just convinced my weight would have shot up and it would be perfect excuse to go back to restricting which somehow seemed like a logical answer (yes because lack of nutrition when you need the energy and stamina to study makes perfect sense....). Then Mon I got a shock when my weight was the exact same. I literally didn't know what to do so I ended up e-mailing my N about my intent and now how I was confused and how I had planned day out already with intent of restricting....so now I needed her help to re-plan day because I had no reason to restrict.

I was excited I hadn't gained...I'm not gonna lie...but mostly because it meant to me it was okay to eat and that I didn't have to worry about restricting and how that might affect exams. Then as the day went on I started really thinking about this mental funk I am in. I mean reality is I have to gain weight...yet I keep saying I am not ready to get over x lbs...so whenever I get close I just plan these meal plan changes to go back to where I started and start again. What kind of twisted "recovery" is this and why can't I just commit?

My therapist and I talked about it a bit last week. In how I don't want to gain weight because I am scared to be normal and lose the ED that has literally been my identity and life since the age of 6. Will people care about me if I don't have an ED? And what will I do when I have to face the real fear of life? Like moving to Denver, dealing with grad school, getting a job....sometimes its easier to not have to face the uncertainties of the future by guaranteeing I know the future by sticking with ED. I know ED...I know anorexia...and it takes my focus and puts it solely on food and weight. Every day is routine and predictable because you stop experiencing life. So I feel without my ED...I will have to face a future of uncertainty...and face the fear that comes with that. And I just don't know how/if I will cope. But I mean reality is I know I hate being in my disorder because I dread every lapse....and I know even with that fear of the future it will be better without ED...but it just scares me to move on.

So I don't know if it's comfort in having ED and not having to face all the questions and uncertainties I have about how others will feel about me or what the future holds...but something is still holding me back. Now the better question is do I need to figure that out before pushing through...or do I just push through and work through the feelings as they come? I mean if I just keep stalling and lapsing and then recovering so I can wait for therapy to come so I can figure out what's stopping me from recovering....I'm not sure I am going to get anywhere. It just feels like a viscious cycle and it's miserable. I am just happy I didn't have to face the idea of relapse vs recovery this week because I maintained so made choosing recovery easier. But I really want to do some intense work around this in therapy on Friday.

I have also been embracing scripture about focusing on today not tomorrow. Somehow I have been able to not freak out about my N appt and next weigh-in coming on Wed....honestly its been through prayer but I have seen how it has opened me up to enjoy each day...and has really decreased the ED thoughts. Also, it has allowed me to challenge myself more because each challenge isn't framed it how it might affect this or that...its just another opportunity to kick ED in the ass or to let him win.

The other thing I got challenged on by a friend is how I only really connect and talk to people about my food and ED struggles and she has been pushing me to connect with her about more than that. Honestly...it's been amazing. It hurt at first when she confronted me...but being able to feel our relationship is more normal and not ED centered made me see people will talk to me even when ED isn't there. That there are other things my relationships can be based on. And that things other than ED and struggles are so much more fun to talk about. And honestly...it's helped me to not have as many ED thoughts or to tackle them through prayer and giving them over instead of focusing and jumping into them trying to find the answer/cause/decision to make. It's just been two days and already I feel happier.

So I guess I am in a good-ish place though I know it's mostly from the fact I maintained and that I got to stay in recovery. I could fret over what will happen when I gain again...but for now I just want to enjoy this freedom.

I hope there are people still reading and I really, really would appreciate hearing from you. So please...if you read this...comment below or shoot me an email with anything. I also want to know what topics you all want so I can stop just updating on my life and actually help you all (unless my updates help). 

Where's Home?

Keeping it short because its late, but wanted to share this with y'all.

I was really struggling today realizing part of me still want me ED. I don’t know why…I mean I hate whenever I lapse or when I reach that number that always leads me to lapse…and whenever I am in a lapse I pray (literally) that it will be over soon so I can get back to recovery. So I know a greater part of me wants recovery, but there is still that part of me scared to let go of the security and identity and pride I have found in having an eating disorder and getting to the weight I am.

With this I got scared maybe I will just be stuck in this gain/lose cycle. Because how can I push towards recovery if I don’t 100% want it. Won’t it just be like all the times in the past where I recover, gain the weight, and then lapse. And I don’t want to recover only to have to spend forever getting back to this sick weight..I don’t want that long of a relapse. So what I do is recovery and lapse in a small weight window so I can have the “best” of both worlds. But really…I hate it and want to choose either to recover or my disorder. And honestly…I know inside I want to recover…at least 51% of me does…and I know God will provide the 49% of the rest of the strength I need to get through…it just scares me to completely turn my back on ED.  And it’s in that the Lord revealed to me and analogy to what I do.

It’s just like hide and go seek. I was always the “smart” kid when it came to this game. Why run forever away and find best hiding spot when you can find a mediocre hiding spot near “base.” That way when the person who was it got close and you got scared…you only had to dart a small distance to safety. It wasn’t quite as thrilling or exciting as venturing far away, but it was a heck of a lot safer…and that’s what I do now. I venture a little bit into recovery…but still keep my ED in sight…and then when I reach that magic number that always scares me…I run back to base…because it’s nice and close. So I am scared to break past that weight barrier because it will mean getting further from ED and thus further from my “base.” But today God revealed to me that I need to distance myself from the ED “base” that provides illusion of reality…I need to venture out in the open where I feel there is no place to hide…because there I will find the true “base,” true “home”, true place of security with Him. But as long as ED base is in sight and I stay in this tiny weight window…I will always run back to ED “base” because its closer. I will still want it because I can see it. But if I take tiny steps further and further away…push past the fear…ED will become a distant base and my eyes will be able to focus on my true home and the will that God has for me. And then when things get tough…I will run to the base that will bring security: The arms of my Father.  

RIP My Angel

I was going to do an inspiring post tonight, but I got horrible news and just can't get it out of me. So instead I am being honest. Today, the guide dog puppy I raised was put to sleep. She had a heart condition we didn't detect...and it got worse over the past few weeks. She apparently had a faulty valve and there is nothing we could have done to save her....today her pulse went to 200 bpm and she was given 1-2 days to live. We knew it was best to release Angel to be an angel and the choice was made to put her down. When I got the call...I will admit I broke contract and used my food scale. I wasn't going to eat the food I weighed because it was too much...but I remembered that cold, wet nose. I remembered those beady eyes staring back at me. And I couldn't let Angel down. I love you and miss you sweet girl...be at peace.

I also realized that another reason I weighed it was I wanted to eat a huge bagel tonight....but after all this with Angel I didn't feel I should or could do something good. So instead...instead I decided I could have it if it was a punishment for behavior. By using the food scale I did something "bad" that could be punished but not something that would interfere with my weigh-in Monday. However, I see I should have bagel because I want it not because of punishment. I also didn't want to reset my day counter for days on contract, but knew by excusing this I wasn't being honest. So I reset my ticker and am about to go have the bagel, not to punish myself...but because I deserve it.