Wow! It’s been a whirlwind of a day to say the least…where
to begin…I’m not sure. I guess at this morning would be best.
So this morning I had a weigh-in which yesterday I decided
would make or break my recovery. I told myself if was over 86.4 lbs then I was
dropping bagel and lapsing back to 86.2 lbs just so I could “do it right.” It
was really the only way I got myself to eat bagel yesterday. Well…got on scale
this morning and was 86.6 lbs. That’s right. Here we were again. Here we were
with .2 lbs. I tried to pee, but no matter what, no matter how much went…scale
didn’t budge. So what was I going to do?
Honestly..it got me pissed. But not at myself, not at God,
but at ED. This was stupid. I was about to throw everything away over .2 lbs.
Choose .2 lbs over having a good N session. Choose .2 lbs over commitment to
myself and God. Choose .2 lbs over life. And I was done. Still I prayed to God
just once to have 86.4 come across that scale…and for one moment He did. It was
my green light that it was okay to go. Just so I could have photo proof I asked
for one more quick time, and I got a pic. Then went straight back to 86.6 lbs.
But I was done. I was done with ED, with this insanity, with the misery and
desperation. Tired of my life being made or broken by .2 lbs. I just wanted to
recover. So I decided it was over. Yesterday was real (very obviously since
same pee I blamed for loss yesterday caused no loss today). I hit 86.2 and it
was time to recover. Time to call it quits with ED. So I committed to recovery.
Not because I hit a weight that was low enough, but because I finally realized
I’ve had enough. Enough of ED.
So then I went to N session and it was one of the most
emotional sessions we have ever had. We did the normal weigh-in thing, but then
I really opened up about this most recent lapse and just how miserable I have
been. There were a lot of tears shed. I just stared into her eyes in
desperation and said, “Please. I don’t want this anymore. I’m fucking done. I’m
miserable and I’m done. I’m done with this insanity. I just want to live. I
just want to be free. I want to give you the calories and weight and all the
obsession and let you take care of that. I just want to focus on timing and
freedom foods. The things I want in my life. Please, let’s do this. Let’s sit
here in May when I graduate, split a Gigi’s cupcake, and say heck yes. We did
it. We kicked ED’s ass.” And she stared back at me with tear-stained eyes and
said : “Let’s do it. You have such an amazing purpose on this Earth. God has
given you an amazing purpose. Let’s take this motivation and run with it.” It
was the most real, most raw, most open, and most freeing session we have ever
had.
Then it came time to put words in to action and things got
scary. She increased my meal plan even more than was before relapse, chose
dessert for this week, and chose tons of freedom foods. As part of new plan I
have agreed I can’t say no to her because I need to learn how to eat and that
is going to mean shutting up and opening my ears. So I kept agreeing. Sharing
my fears, but agreeing. Then she told me I might gain more than a lb this week
just because of the lapse and I started to freak out big time. The fear came in
and I felt ED crying out to me. We had to end the session and it was off to
lunch.
Luckily, I had my journal with me and after 4 pages of
journaling, I felt better and calmer. I came to realize this. I had two
choices. I could choose the easy road, only do the easy part of the freedom
foods and not add in the almonds she added. That was one option. Here were
possible outcomes. I could gain less than a lb and end up having to add those
things anyway (so basically I just postpone facing the fear for a week), I
could gain a lb and still be just as afraid of the almonds and freedom foods as
am now and again just have to add them in whenever weight did maintain, I could
gain over a lb and be even more afraid of the almonds and freedom foods.
Luckily, I had a
second (better) choice. I could choose to let my nutritionist worry about my
weight and trust her. Trust that she said numbers wise should only be a lb, but
is possibility more. Here is what could come from that. I could gain less than
a lb and have huge decrease in fear of increase and freedom foods, gain only a lb
and still have less fear in meal plan and freedom foods (though decrease not be
as much), or I could gain over a lb and be just as scared as I am now. So
basically only way to have possibility of any victory was to do as my
nutritionist had said.
And I also realized I needed to keep handing the weight
worries over to God and my nutritionist and focus on actually enjoying facing
these freedom foods and the dessert. Yes, I could spend the next week miserably
trying to guess what my weight was doing or was going to do or whatever. Or I
could choose to not worry about it or make worst case scenarios and just let it
happen. Why worry about something that hasn’t even happened yet or that I don’t
even know will happen. I don’t even have another weigh-in till Friday, so
that’s just a waste of energy. Instead I want to try and enjoy and experience
what it’s like to eat and not think about weight. Or when I think about weight
to turn over to God and re-focus. Then if I gain a whole ton like ED says come
Wed I can freak out with nutritionist then. But it’s been my expereicne that
rarely happens and instead I just end up wasting a week fearing something that
never happened. And I’m tired of it. Tired of living and eating based on
weight. So I’m going to try and not to. It’s not going to be easy and is going
to take dedication, but as my middle school counselour said…practice makes
permanent. Not perfect, but permanent.
And so I went through rest of day pretty okay. Even went
ahead and faced a freedom food I didn’t plan and then it was off to Passion Let
the Future Begin Concert. I can’t even put into words the encounter I had with
the Holy Spirit there. God really spoke to me that He is going to be my
Strength, Peace, and Comfort on this journey. That times won’t be easy. It’s
going to get hard and most definitely scary, but if I just gaze upon His face,
I will be filled with His peace. He is a God of victory, and He won’t let
anything happen that doesn’t get me closer to victory. He knows how scary
weight gain is for me, so He won’t let it happen at a rate I can’t stand or He
can’t see me through. It doesn’t mean it will always be a rate I am comfortable
with, but it will be a rate I can handle. With His strength and His peace I
will make it through. And He so wants me to, because He wants me to be a light
for others to see to lead them out of the darkness of ED. But I have to be
obedient and keep my eyes on Him.
In the prayer time we had I recommitted myself to God. I
asked Him to be my focus not my ED and repented for the past 15 years I have
spent following ED not God. Found it funny it was 15 years and my relapse
lasted 15 days. Just a coincidence, or as I like to call it a God-incidence. I
cried tears I needed to cry and turned my gaze to the beautiful face of Jesus
and away from ED. Sure I am scared. Heck, I’m terrified, but I am also at
peace, because I know with my Father everything will be okay.
So as I said before. Tuesday I chose to eat a bagel, and
that was great start…it was. Honestly, had I put that off till today (Wed) I
think would have been too overwhelming. But eating that bagel had strings
attached based off the scale. And it still wasn’t recovery because I hadn’t
committed to obedience to my N, to timing, to freedom foods, or even to not
letting weight dictate what I did. It was still a huge step to add back that
bagel, but recovery is so much more than eating food…it’s a mindset, a
determination, a choice. And today I made that choice. Today I made the choice
to recover. I chose life, chose freedom, chose God, chose my God-given purpose
and passion. Today I chose to take the first step on a long journey to my
future. Today I chose to recover. Just for today. Because I’m taking this
journey a day at a time. Focusing on what I need to for that day and leaving
everything else to God and my team. So for today I chose recovery. I chose to
start this journey. And I hope this time the journey doesn’t end. Because I’m
ready to let go of my past, let go of ED, claim my victory, claim my future,
and live my life for the only thing that matters—God. 
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