Chance to be free

Dec 14, 2013

I realized today I may be in recovery but I am not living the life I want…not yet. I still live by rigid rules around my food and the only one that’s holding me back is me. If I want the future I dream of I have to start living it now. I have to prove ED wrong through action. Act my way into right thinking. Just have faith, risk the discomfort, and start living. I think honestly I am most scared of finding out ED is right…that I need the rigidity. But I think I can risk that for a chance to be free. So what is free?

•  Free is not using a food scale except for meats. And then..in the future, not even for that. Just eating a slice of bread as a slice of bread, as a starch exchange. A banana of any size as a fruit. Letting food be food, not grams or numbers. 
•    Free is choosing the food I want because I want them. Still getting nutritional balance through the meal plan, but not looking at food as numbers. Not comparing calories, fat, sodium, fiber. Just choosing what I want and  eating it.
•  Free is defining myself by who I am….not by a number on a scale.
•  Free is being able to relax without guilt. To not have to worry about how active I was that day. To trust that it’s okay to take a break and just relax.
•  Free is being able to have and enjoy dessert with family and friends.
•  Free is being able to take my stepbro to Jimmy John’s and get a sandwich for myself too.
•  Free is eating at regular times without the fear of being hungry or running out of food because I know I can feed my hunger.
•  Free is eating what the family is eating so I can enjoy the food and fellowship.
• Free is a life without numbers and weights. It’s a life where I eat to nourish my body. Where I learn all foods are acceptable. Where food becomes fun again. Where I am not my own worst enemy.

So tomorrow (Sun Dec 15) I am going to start living this out by breaking some of my patterns. I will be free of scales tomorrow. I won’t be weighing myself and will only be using my food scale for meats. I planned a menu based off what I want and I will eat it. I have meal timing set and I will stick to it. It may not seem so freeing tomorrow. In fact, it will probably be terrifying and at times forced….but sometimes you have to fight for what you most want. I know with God, my dad, my family, and my sponsor by my side I will get through. ED will scream I will gain a ton of weight come Mon…but it’s worth the risk for a chance to be free. So:

• I will not weigh tomorrow. I will meet my new co-workers for my seasonal job without a weight to define me. Because I am more than a number and I want to be free of weight.
•  I will eat b-fast on the way to church. I didn’t weigh out my cereal which is a big step (I weighed the English muffin and nuts before I committed to this…and weighed prunes too).
•   I will not use the food scale at all for lunch. The tuna is a  single serve pouch so there is no need to use it for that meat. I will be keeping toast as one of my starches even though I know those bread slices are usually more than serving. I will try not to spill my sunflower seeds in an attempt to miss out on calories. I will live and eat for my future.
•  I will have my cereal snack after orientation. I won’t weigh out the cereal or the fruit and I will try not to spill the cereal either.
•   I will have my bagel equivalent. I will not cut the calories short, nor will I weigh the bagel. I will be free to eat a bagel as a bagel. Free of the size. Because my meal plan says a bagel…it says nothing about grams. I will add the appropriate amount of calories later to make this snack equivalent to my dining hall bagels. I won’t cut corners.
•   I will not weigh anything except for Flounder at dinner. I will not weigh my soup even though I know its usually more than one serving. It comes in a pouch that is single serving so I will trust that in that pouch in the nourishment my body needs. That tiny differences (though ED makes them seem great) don’t matter. Even if the calorie difference is great…my body can handle it and I deserve to be free. I deserve to not have to weigh food the rest of my life. I deserve to be able to just have a warm bowl of soup in Denver..no numbers needed.
•    I will add pita to dinner to make equivalent calories and I will not weigh it. This is HUGE because it was actually weighing a pita and realizing it was larger than the serving size on the package that started my food scale obsession. But I don’t want to be obsessed with numbers anymore. I will trust my pita is the 150 calories I need to get my bagel up to the appropriate calories.
• And I will finish my day triumphant. Having my fruit and dairy and not measuring the fruit.  Choosing whatever fruit I want…grapes, bananas, whatever. And not stressing about how much it ways. Just enjoying the nutrition fruit brings.

I know I can do this. I am scared…but moreso excited. I know my dad will be there each step of the way..cheering me on. He hated that damn food scale…and I will show him victory. It’s just one day…just a test…a chance to see I can be free.