Today has been rough. Real rough. Had to get labwork done
and felt horrible after. Problem was I couldn’t eat because spent lunch hour
getting the labwork done. So I started getting shaky and dizzy, but ED made me
feel too ashamed to ask for a break to go grab something to eat. So I stayed…miserable…and
honestly putting myself in risk of passing out.
I left my internship (which led to a lot of eye-opening
experiences I will go into later) and it was time to workout. Well, to finish
my workout. Today was the first time I allowed myself to split up my workout
even though that terrified me. And ED got right in my ear. He tried to convince me to workout more…and
honestly I agreed with him I should. That I should do 45 mins instead of 35
mins since all I had done that morning was a video. I didn’t have the energy to
argue with ED…but I also have commited this month of recovery to my dad…and I
didn’t have the heart to let his memory fade. So I agreed with ED…but still
only did 35 mins.
I wish I could tell you right now that I feel great about
that decision…or the recovery decisions that came after. Like adding food to
make up for some that spilled. Eating dinner earlier even though not hungry.
Choosing foods I want, not foods that are safe. Choosing to, even though I didn’t
go poo today (sorry if TMI), not to take a laxative. To let my body just be a
body. To not let the fear of what the scale will say tomorrow drive me today.
But reality is I don’t. I sit here terrified. Still debating
if I will avoid the laxative. Still wanting to
workout. And completely, utterly
terrified. But I have made decisions to make myself comfortable too long. That’s
how I got where I am now and I am done. I will stick to my plan tomorrow of
working out in the morning so I can have night off and fix my timing of my
meals. I will try and make my dad proud and resist the suppository that is
calling my name. I will be uncomfortable…because being comfortable got me to where
I am now…and where I am isn’t where I want to be.
"A dream is your creative vision for your life in the future. You must break out of your current comfort zone and become comfortable with the unfamiliar and the unknown." --Denis Waitley
ReplyDeleteI hope you succeed tomorrow!