Challenge is good :)

The box I made for exchanges :) 

This is actually from yesterday. And guess what...today...I'm still in recovery too. Why is that a big deal...because today is 30 days in recovery!!!

Today was the start of drawing the starch surprises from the box and of course I got all risk foods. I actually have to admit I re-drew a few times..but in the end…I knew it was wrong unless I went with first selection. And had to select for tomorrow too and only one safe item.

Then I went to spin class and didn’t feel it was “intense enough” because it was shorter than what I am used to (45 vs 50 or 60 mins). I really wanted to go exercise more, but I thought of how I want to fully commit. I don’t want my life to be spent obsessing about whether cycling is intense enough. I don’t want cycling to become about burn, I want it to be about life and having fun. Did I have fun? YES! Did my body feel pushed, strong, and exhilarated? Yes! Then it was enough. So I didn’t add exercise.

Then it came time to get some of my freedom starches for the day. I went to one dining hall and they were out of white rice which I have to face tom (they close on Sun). I knew I would be right by another dining hall when I went to spin, but didn’t want to go get white rice if I could just get brown rice there. In the end, I decided I needed to get the white rice. It was important. Important I committed and did exactly what I drew. Plus, when I thought about doing brown rice I got a peace and calm which meant ED was saying it was “safer.”

Then I had to get pita for today and I knew I didn’t like the school ones, but also knew they had less sodium than ones I do like. But I stopped..I thought…both pitas are the same exchange….and if I have to eat something might as well be one I like. So I got the pita I wanted. Faced with my other surprise starch of vegetable grain soup.

When dinner rolled around another challenge. I got a cup of baby potatoes, but when I weighed them I realized it was way too low for an exchange (weighed them because I realized kind of hard to fit potatoes into cup). I could have written it off, but I didn’t. At first I added enough potatoes to get to a minimal number of calories. Then I stopped. I remembered exchanges are based on nutrients. These were starch exchanges so I needed to get my carbs. So I added even more, to a very scary calorie amount so I could hit the carbs I needed. I am trying to tell myself this was right thing to do. That my muscles need it to repair from spin. Still ED is screaming.

I also added enough fish to get to 3 oz even though it meant more than one filet. Me and my N had agreed for me to do it so it was a little easier.

And it wasn’t over yet. I then realized the larger bagel I planned on doing I accidentally put in the freezer instead of leaving it out. The whole day I had been debating doing the cinnamon raisin one I have been avoiding for over a week now (mostly because I have just been craving wheat the whole week). Especially because my wheat bagel was small, but then I found this larger wheat so I was going to do that. Well now the larger wheat was in the freezer and I was left with deicison. So I went with the scarier one and had cinnamon raisin.Because in the end, a bagel is a bagel..no matter the flavor. 

So it’s been a challenging day. Yes…that’s the best adjective. Not bad. Not rough. Just challenging. And you know what I realized…this was the enemy. He attacked me in each of the places I discussed with my N yesterday and committed too.

• In the right exchanges: he tried to get me to skimp portions throughout the day, tried to get me to choose bagel flavor off calories not off the fact that all of my bagels just count as a bagel snack…extra 10 calories or not
• Secret Starches: tried to still get me to think in calories, tried to get me to re-draw to be safer
• Moderation in exercise: tried to make spin about calories, tried to get me to do more…

You know what I love though…all of those say TRIED…because today, God was victorious. God gave me the strength and I had victory. 

A Whole New World!

Beware LONG post ahead. It's a re-cap from AMAZING N session I had today. Feel free to read it in parts...that's why I broke it apart :) 

Had an AMAZING therapy and nutrition session. Therapy continued to feed into my motivation to recover and just kept the flame burning high from my fully committing post. I just feel like for the first time in a long time (or potentially ever) I really want to recover. To give freedom a chance. With my motivation flying high I went and had an AMAZING N session.

Our session was so good my N even asked if I had been drinking more water. She wondered if maybe I was more hydrated because I had never spoken with such clarity, insight, and wisdom. I told her it wasn’t more water, just motivation. Now I realize it was more water…LIVING WATER through the motivation God has given me.

Wish this had come sooner, because this session went how I always dreamed sessions would. I came in open to whatever my N said, ready to do work, and put my fear aside. I felt the fear but let it come and go instead of clinging onto it (part of mindfulness I learned today in therapy). And it led to amazing progress, goals, and insights.

I told me N I just want to give normalcy a try. I want to really live the recovered life I have wanted. I confessed all the ways I wasn’t fully committing and/or the ways I was scared I would start not to fully commit. And we made solutions to each. Set up parameters so these next 49 days can be true, full-blown, fears aside recovery (weight gain included). I thought I would share what we discussed in hopes it can help some of you.

True Exchanges

This pertains to starches and dairy for me. These two exchanges I tend to underdo when it comes to servings or if it just means playing it safe. I confessed I had been getting 60 instead of 80/90 calorie dairies. I told her I didn’t want to do this anymore. I wanted to be able to eat whatever yogurt or milk I wanted…not have to go to specific stores to find specific brands. The easy solution to this is I am going to get rid of my 60 calorie options by eating three of them to equal two exchanges and then from there will buy the appropriate amounts. I realized it’s not really about the calories. I mean it is..but in reality, I just need the proper portions to get the proper amount of Calcium and protein.

When it comes to carbs I tend to play it safe and get a lower calorie option, but now I am seeing lower calorie also means lower nutrients. By always playing it safe, my body is missing out on the valuable energy and vitamin/minerals other starches can provide. Also, the smaller portions I was using may have met the Diabetic Assoc Exchanges, but reality is I am not diabetic. Those exchanges are for people whose goals are to lower blood sugar. If anything for me we need the opposite. I need to eat according to my needs and the exchanges that fit my needs. Which brings to my own idea we are now implementing…

Surprise Starch

So we have been trying to correct my starch exchange debacle in so many ways. That’s the thing I have noticed about recovery (and that I think a lot of treatment centers/providers miss out on), it’s a learning process. There isn’t one solution that will work for all people, so its about trying out different options and seeing what works. We tried banning safe starches, but then I started craving them and freaking out too much and gave up. We then tried doing a calorie minimum per exchange, but that got me back to obsessing about calories and ended up making everything worse. I have tried looking at the carb counts for exchanges instead of calories….again..number obsession not good. So now…we are trying a new idea.

We made a starch exchange list and I differentiated between my safe and risk starches. What I am then going to do is write each food on paper and tear them off. There will be one color for risk (I think yellow for hope) and one for safe (I think green since I give myself permission for these already). I will then put these into a box (which I am decorating currently and will post pictures). Every day I will shake up the box, and choose out my starch exchanges for lunch and dinner (only other place I have starch exchanges is snack and b-fast, but I don’t struggle with those for some reason). At least one exchange must be risk for each meal.

Why this method? One…it’s fun to me. To choose out of a box…idk…it’s like a game. And two…it takes ED out of it. I can’t try and balance risk with safe. I won’t have to spend literally hours deciding what to eat for starches. I can’t play it completely safe. And I can’t beat myself up for choosing riskier items because it’s all chance. Also, this prepares me for real life. If I go to someone’s house or a café and just have to go with what is served or on the menu…no planning…just a surprise…that’s kind of what the drawing out of the box is.

I am excited and nervous for this as it takes away a lot of my control. I won’t know in the morning if the day ahead is super risky or super safe. I won’t be able to only do high risk days on workout days. It will all be up to chance (though I know God will guide it too). My biggest fear? Same as always…that ED will be right and I will balloon. But again…it’s worth the risk to me to see ED is wrong and to be able to eat freely. To see I can eat whatever starches and it be just enough for me. To see calories don’t have to reign supreme but I can look at food for the roles it fills.

Now just a disclaimer…for me..proper nourishment means gaining weight. So if I make these changes and don’t gain weight it means I am undernourished still and we will have to add exchanges. For right now though, these two changes and an increase in the amount of spread I put on my bagel snack are the only “changes” we are making. I will let you all know how my mystery box assignment goes. I am hoping it goes well because I am hoping its something I can provide to others as a tool to help them with whatever exchange they struggle with most.

Anyone want to join me?

Moderation in Everything…even exercise

What exercise used to be....

This was the last thing we hit today and something that was big for me. My N really can’t recommend me to do exercise because the ADA wouldn’t recommend it for someone of my BMI, but off the record she let’s me do it. Again, this comes down to what I said before. It’s all trial and error.  For me, no exercise just doesn’t work. It pushes me to find other ways to excessively move. Then when I do get exercise I overdo it. And being only allowed light exercise like yoga makes me just find the most intense videos. So what do I do now?

Well this semester I had to take my PE credit to graduate and I chose Cycling. It is an old love that ED robbed from me because I got too weak. No one was on board with this, but I had this feeling it would help me in recovery…and I couldn’t be more right. I found a love for exercise. And when I want to restrict I tell myself I can’t because I need to fuel my cycling days. And when I want to exercise on my rest days I don’t because I don’t want to get injured and thus not be able to cycle. And in the actual class? I don’t think about calories or anything like that. It’s about enjoyment, peace, and seeing how amazing my body is. It really has helped me so much.

So what did we discuss today? Well, it was my last day of PE classes today and so now I have to build it into my own schedule. I brought it to my N because I wasn’t sure what was me and what was ED. I was telling myself since my N only requires 3 rest days I needed to do cycling and strength training (something we have incorporate for my bone health) 4 days a week. I was getting stressed because I just didn’t see how I would do this with the times Spin is offered. I felt doing less was too little. So I brought it to my N.

What exercise is now :) 

Turns out I was stressed for a good reason. Most people can’t find a way to get to the gym outside 3 days a week. And to any normal, non-ED person she would only tell them to cycle 2-3 times a week because it is such intense exercise. And strength…only twice a week. Maybe yoga the other day if they wanted to. But what about the 4^th day? What do I do then?

In reality I could just do the 3 days cycling, but for a fourth day it can be the day I have to do rounds for work or on the weeks I have off it can be a walk with friends, or doing a 5K with my mom. Something that’s just fun and enjoyable.

With this new plan…I felt…well…normal. I felt like I wasn’t overdoing it (aka I still had that fear it wasn’t enough aka ED) but I didn’t feel deprived from the activities I enjoyed. For the first time I felt a peace about my new exercise routine. I felt it was a way of life I could maintain in maintenance. Not too much…just enough.

So now I feel I have a true “exercise routine”: 4 days rest, 2 days cycle/strength, 1 day cycle/gentle yoga, one day fun activity.

Now, as I said this is what is right for me and it has taken me a while to get to the place I can tell on myself when I overdo it or when it is getting obsessive. That doesn’t mean exercise in recovery is for everyone. I also am (by some miracle) in relatively good health and it is okay for me to do this. Again, that’s not true for everybody. And if I start to cancel things to go to spin or make it a priority over school/work then I will take it away from myself and tell my team. 

So today was great. There were some struggles, but I started on the new plan (except didn’t start on the surprise starch part yet). Yes, my timing for meals got off, but that was so I could go to these amazing sessions. In the end…I think it was worth it. And in the end I think this fear…even if it comes true…it will be worth it too. For once....this plan....it's rid of ED. No restriction, no safe foods, no overexercise. This will be a true matter of trust and a true go at recovery.  

Commitment vs Fully Committed

A reaction I had today made me question if I have really been commited to recovery till graduation like I said I would. I had weigh-in today and it was scarier than what I expected, but had already planned challenges for the day. My first instinct: don’t do the challenges. Even spent the next 30 minutes planning out how to add more activity to my day. Luckily, the “recovery” side of me sent out a text and told on myself. My amazing friend Melissa then reminded me of my commitment.

I stopped dead in my tracks. I wondered how many times since my commitment 26 days ago I cut corners or didn’t go full out because of the scale or something else. Any other time I commit to something in my life whether it be running or schoolwork….whatever, I go full out. I do everything in my power to meet my deadline and to be at my best when that deadline comes. But with this commitment…I wasn’t going full out. I was still committing, but not to the extent I could.

Example…spring break I was supposed to really push myself to do higher calorie starch exchanges…but back in my home environment…I just didn’t. I used my anxiety as an excuse, and then my upcoming surgery, and then my stomach pain. Now let’s say I had committed to writing an essay for class by the end of spring break. I would have written the essay day 1 and re-read it and edited it every day so by the end of spring break it would be the best it could. And I could have done this with recovery. I could have started day 1 of spring break by buying tons of freedom foods and making a plan for which I would face what days. Then every day I would eat my planned risk ones and could push a little harder if I felt I wanted to. That would be true commitment.

So today I realize there is a difference between making a commitment and fully committing. I made a commitment and I have met it. I have done my meal plan and not restricted and I plan to do this till graduation…but that’s not fully committing to giving recovery my all. I know there is more I could give, but I am holding myself back. So now…now I am fully committing till graduation. What does this look like?

Well it means continuing to follow the meal plan, but also to take any and all increases and risks my 

nutritionist give me. It means going with my cravings no matter if they are scarier. It means doing the weekly desserts. It means if I feel a desire to do a challenge…like let’s say go to a restaurant, I let me team know and commit to doing it. It means committing to exchanges replacing my mental calorie counting (something I experience yesterday and will write about later). It means not letting the scale or weigh-ins dictate what I do. It means getting rid of any ED behaviors I don’t want in my recovered life (ie overexercise which I already am avoiding, food scale, limiting food choices, etc). That’s what it means.

I am doing well on some of those things, but there is room for improvement. What is my fear of full commitment…the same as always. I am scared of the weight gain. But I have to realize that is part of the commitment too. I have to gain weight. I don’t want to, but I have to. Heck…I don’t want to study for exams…but I do that. Time to suck  it up and give it my all till graduation. I told myself I would. I told myself I wanted to see what true recovery was like and I need to give myself a chance.

That means gaining weight and committing. Otherwise I will be miserable at graduation and want to relapse but not because recovery isn’t worth it, but because I didn’t fully commit to recover. This is my last season with my N. This is my last chance. I have to give it my all. And what am I risking? What is the “worst” that could happen? I gain more weight than I thought I would? Well guess what…I need weight to be healthy. I may not believe that but all facts point to it. So really that isn’t a risk at all. The bigger risk is continuing to semi-commit and get to graduation full of regrets and with no way to change the past.

We all face this, disordered or not. We have goals and challenges we want to meet. We have a choice every day to either make a commitment or fully commit. You may not be graduating or have a certain date when you need to meet it by, but honestly…we all have an end. We are only granted today. We don’t know where we will be in a year, a month, a week…even tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. So it’s time to fully commit now. To give your dreams a chance now. If you aren’t….there is some fear holding you back. Something you feel you are risking. But I bet if you look at the risk…you will see it is nothing compared to the reward. Doesn’t mean it won’t suck or be hard…but it will be worth it. Give it a try. Give it your all. And give your worries to God .

Love you all,

Jess

P.S.--I did do that challenge today :) Brown rice for the win!

Facing the Feelings Before the Relapse

Hey guys---

Well its been a rough day and I almost relapsed. Honestly, only reason I didn’t because I kicked butt at spin and knew I needed to nourish my body. I ended up having several victories today in fact which I want to speak out before I get to deep stuff:

• Ate what wanted without thinking cals (thanks pain meds for making me to out of it to care)
•  Got bagel flavor I wanted and appropriate spread
• Was too tired to do strength training I’m allowed on cycling days so stretched instead

But I can’t just speak about all the good. I can’t pain that my recovery is good right now, because it’s honestly shaky at best. Luckily there was traffic today so I had some time to think about this. To try and figure out what the heck is going on. I know it’s more than weight. I am learning my ED spikes and has me concentrate on weight to distract me from something else. I found several of those somethings today and I need to get them out.

I miss my dad and am scared without him

The surgery hit me again with painful missing of my dad and all the grief I have pushe down came bubbling up. I have been trying to ignore how mad and upset I am. How much I miss talking to my dad. How I hate going home because when I have to come back to campus I have to face fact I didn’t see him. How I don’t want to graduate without him there. How I am scared to grow up without him. That last one I have realized is a big one

I am at a point I am making big decisions. I am going to grad school and after two years will be in the workforce. I don’t feel ready for that. I don’t feel ready for independence. I want to just hide away at home and be taken care of. I am scared to have to take care of myself. I am scared to be independent. I am scared of growing up.

I have always had these fears, but when my dad was around I reassured myself by telling myself he would be there to guide me through. Just like how he helped my brother transition to the workforce and move to Texas he would be there for me. Any time I would tell him these fears he would tell me to take it one step at a time. That he would be there to help me. Just to slow down and take a breath.

But now he isn’t here and I am scared. I honestly don’t want to grow up without him. I am scared I will make mistakes. I am scared without him there I will turn into my worst fear. That I will go bankrupt or not find a job. Have to move home. Not get married. Never accomplish my dream. And so I just want to stay home and not go to grad school because I am scared. I just want to wait till my dad comes back.

He had this way of looking at me and calming me…and I just want that look, that comfort. I want the peace of knowing he will be there to help me. My dad just…I don’t know..he seemed to have his life together. He wasn’t in debt, he was doing what he loved. It hadn’t always been that way, but he had worked through it all. I wanted to learn from him…and now he is gone.

Yes, I have my mom, but its not the same. She hasn’t always been the best financially and she still doesn’t like her job. I honestly am scared to be in the same financial state as her. And she doesn’t know a lot about other things my dad helped with like computers and moving. I just…I relied on him so much and always planned on him being there. Now there is nothing I can do. I wish we hadn’t said we would talk about it when it happened…because now he isn’t here to talk.

I feel alone….like I am losing my family

This hit me hard this weekend. The biggest fear I had in losing my dad…actually this comes way back from losing my grandpa in August…as the family separating…and I feel like it’s happening. I already don’t hear from my brother and now I don’t get to hear how he is doing from my dad. My dad’s sister has reached out to me, but we just aren’t that close.

I am really just starting to miss my stepfamily. They are the group of people where I feel I can be me. I am starting to feel this way with my mom too as our relationship is forced to heal, but I don’t want to lose my stepfamily. This was the first time going home not going to see my stepmom….and I was home a whole week. It was her birthday and I wanted to see her. Had my dad been around I would have. It would have been a family time, but things have changed. We ended up not being able to get together because this year this celebration was hard for her. And that was hard for me. At first I thought I was hurt...and I am...but not by her. I am hurt by the loss of my dad. I am hurt that things have to be this way. Even moreso I am scared...scared this will slowly become normal and eventually we won't have a relationship. 

 It was just another thing reminding me my dad wasn’t here. It was their anniversary and her b-day this week…it just feels like we all should have been together. Like this aren’t how they are supposed to be. And I can’t fix it. I can’t bring my dad back…and I have to realize this is just how things were supposed to be…I just didn’t see it coming.

So I am starting to feel alone and the one way I know how to get nurturance and attention is my ED. I realized this use of my ED after my surgery. I liked that the surgery went wrong and I was having complications because people came around to support me. I felt cared for and loved. I guess I just didn’t feel that way for so long that now I am desperate for it.

When my dad was here I could get my fill of love from a simple call and I really miss it. I miss him. I miss the family time and how being at his house and with my stepfamily made me feel whole. And I just feel like everyone is slipping away again. I am recovering from surgery and so I am scared if I recover from ED….no one will care. I used to ease this worry by saying my dad has been and always would be there…but now…he isn’t here. So I don’t know what to pinpoint.

Still…the hardest thing I am facing right now is feeling I am losing my stepfamily. It hurts my heart so much. They are a connection to my dad…and I just don’t want to let go.

Having to look past numbers

Hey guys—

Sorry haven’t been around. Got slammed at school week before spring break and this break well it’s been interesting. Thanks to Mr. ED and his lovely havoc on my body I had to get a liver biopsy done. My bp and pulse were horridly low (86/52 and pulse in 30s) so I was held extra long and have had bad effects. So I’ve been a little down and out. Not to mention...been having to cope with bed rest. 

I am writing today because ED is screaming. Had the operation on Wed and wasn’t able to eat that day. Due to nausea and pain yesterday also couldn’t eat. I woke up today feeling a bit better, sore but better. I knew for sure I would have lost weight from not eating and needed to get back on track. So I decided to weigh to motivate me to get back on meal plan and push through the nausea. Well..so much for that. Weight was up. Now…my N warned me about this. Because was pumped full of IVs and all…but I am just shocked and scared and every part of me wants to restrict.

Well…every ED part of me. All those old parts of me that prioritize weight over everything else. But I’m also exhausted and know its probably from not eating. I also want to heal from the operation and that can’t happen without eating. I also really want to go back to spin class tomorrow and that can’t happen if I don’t eat today.

So I’m stuck and I’m scared. I’m not hungry and still don’t have appetite (thanks pain meds) but I know I NEED to eat. I don’t want to eat especially with the weight now glaring me in the face. But I know I NEED to eat. I need to eat to heal from surgery, I need to eat because my N tells me to, I need to eat so I can go to spin. There are just things more important than my weight. I want to heal, I want to spin, I want to not be miserable. I want to not pass out driving back to school tomorrow. These things require me to eat.

So I’m not happy. ED is yelling horrid things at me. I feel disgusting and like a pig. But I am eating. Honestly, a huge motivation for me doing this was so I could come write this post and help you all. If any of you were in this position I would tell you to trust and eat. That relapse wasn’t worth it. That every relapse or relying on a number to tell you when to eat again has only ever hurt you and tormented you. So today…I am going to eat my meal plan even though the numbers say not to. Because healing, spin class, and not being miserable matter more than a number. A number that may be fluids. And heck…I restricted and it went up. I didn’t restrict because of ED but still restricted. So why the hell keep being miserable when it can go up and I can be eating and not miserable?

ED just isn't being kind. Calling me a failure and of course fat. He is saying there is no reason to eat and that I don't deserve it. Then he says its okay to eat today, but tomorrow will have to restrict. And honestly I am too tired not to believe him. So I am. But I am just telling myself: you restricted past two days not because of ED and are miserable. You don't need to be miserable. You want to go to spin. To go to spin you have to eat. So you just have to. 

I am grabbing for anything now. Any kind of motivation. But today…may just be mechanical and so I can go to spin tomorrow. Sorry nothing earth shattering or awe-inspiring today. Just a real struggle and the reality of how I am trying to get through it. Positive messages, thoughts, comments, prayers appreciated. Just to hear that other people are fighting to would help. 

Love,

Jess

His Way No Matter the Weigh-in

So today was the dreaded weigh-in. It wasn’t dreaded at first. In fact, the build up to it had been people preparing me I would most likely need a meal plan increase. Well I woke up this morning bloated and not feeling well. I re-thought the higher fiber meals from yesterday and got scaled for weigh-in and when it happened…everyone was shocked. Even my nutritionist. It was up an uncomfortable amount even in just the past few days. I won’t lie, my first instinct was that I needed to eat completely safe today and increase my exercise. I think for a while that will always be my first instinct. The shame and guilt came too (more on that in a late post as I realized the root to it). But the thing that changed this time was me and my reaction.

All of me wanted to eat all safe items, but already had freedom foods planned and was craving a potato. So unless I wanted to go against my N and my body….I couldn’t eat safe. Then I wanted to increase my exercise amount for the day, but I really didn’t have the time and know my N wouldn’t want me to. So again, it would be giving into ED and disobeying my N. But the options were still there. This time however…I chose to stick to my commitment. My commitment to obedience at least till graduation. To give this my all. My weight was up, but that’s the goal. More than I am comfortable with, but it’s okay. It will all be okay. I couldn’t restrict, I couldn’t overexercise, so I had to cope some other way.

So I reached out to people and then I prayed. In those two actions I got an amazing peace and realization. I realized this weight gain was unexpected to me. But God…He knew it was going to happen. He knew I would face this challenge this morning, but He also knew how I could get through and that I would. Not only that, but God only allows us to go through things that will make us stronger and better even if we can’t see it in the moment. It gave me a peace knowing this was God’s will and thus there was something good to come out of it. I don’t know what but there is. But only if I push through.

If I ran back to ED by overexercise or eating safe, I would give up the opportunity to overcome this challenge. I would go back to the same misery I have always known and would lose out on whatever greatness and strength God desired for me. Or I could push through. As terrifying as it is knowing I am guaranteed victory and strength through it. And so I did the latter. I trusted God and pushed through.

It’s been a roller coaster, but I feel much better now than had I relapsed. Also, I got even greater peace when I realized this means God knew I would lose my dad. I have been missing him a lot lately and the pain has resurfaced. But the Lord knew I would face this challenge too. No, He didn’t want my dad to die. He doesn’t want anyone to die, but it’s a fallen world and death happens. God did know I would face this, but He also knew and will equip me to get through this time and come out stronger. He will help me to cope with this time away from my dad till I am with him and God in Heaven.

So today I trusted in God. In His will. In His understanding. God doesn’t promise life will be easy, in fact He promised trials. But He promises to equip us to get through and that, in the end, it’s for our good. It’s just like training for a 5k. Those speed and hill workouts aren’t fun, but in the end, they get you ready for the run. Or it’s like parenting. You don’t want to show tough love to your kids or to correct them, but in the end, you know it will make them better so you do. So here is to strength and the power that comes only from God. 

When Life Happens

Sometimes life just happens. That was my lesson from today.

Today started off good. I got to co-teach a spin class for the first time and did it as a Recovery/Remembrance Ride for National Eating Disorder Association. Basically I led the ride with positive, encouraging music. It is a very hard workout we planned and the focus was all about the class seeing they have the strength to push through anything. And in the moments they wanted to give up they just remember the millions out the fighting eating disorders and all those who have died in the fight. They push through for those people. For the ones fighting and the ones who can’t fight.

Then, at the end, I did a little mini-speech about how the same strength that got them through the ride could get them through anything in life. Any obstacle, any adversity, anything. That is their strength and they can use it to overcome. And also that they weren’t a size or a weight. There body was more than a number. That they could look at the class and see just what an amazing machine their body is. How capable it is (I even had tons of insights here but more on that tomorrow). And how capable it is of even more than they can imagine. How capable they are. And that they and their bodies deserve love and nourishment…it was amazing. I spoke so much into me and I was the one doing the talking (though really was the Lord speaking through me).

So I was on cloud nine…feeling good…then life happened. I won’t go into all the details, but basically someone reported my blog and my disorder to my school and it worked its way up to the Dean of Students and I was reported to a committee that evaluates people who may be a threat to themselves of others. I received an e-mail that all this had happened, an investigation had been done, but that there was no further intervention. I felt outed and scared because my boss said we needed to meet and I knew (from the CC on the letter) the head of our department had been informed. I didn’t know if he knew the specifics. I didn’t know if everyone now knew about the disorder I have worked so hard to hide. I felt exposed, raw, vulnerable…and I broke down.

You know what my first instinct was too. To restrict. My thought was: “Well I will show them. If they want to report me for my ED I will restrict.” Luckily my wise mind took over and I realized that wasn’t the answer. That would only hurt me. It wouldn’t hurt them or prove anything other than that I needed help. So instead I called my mom, sent out text, and cried. Instead of running from the fear and sadness and anger by restricting…I used words. I said how I felt…I got vulnerable…and I cried.

Long story short…everything ended up working out. My boss just needed to meet to check in on me and still doesn’t know specifics. I talked to the committee that reviewed my case and basically they investigated my blog and were actually more inspired by my vulnerability and the motivation of the blog to show the reality of recovery than they were concerned (though they said they were still concerned about me since it did reveal I have a severe eating disorder). But man…it took a lot of hours for everything to get cleared up and it was draining. But sometimes life happens.

Plus…with all these meetings and having to go run the errands I had planned before all this happened…well my meal timing which has been so stellar…it wasn’t. At first I started to beat myself up. Then I thought..wait..this wasn’t my fault. I have done the best I could. I still faced my fear food for the day…and I am still doing my meal plan…today…life just happened. And in recovery life will happen. But we can’t stop fighting. We can’t use unexpected circumstances to warrant us taking a day of recovery…because then relapse happens. And relapse robs you of life…the good, joyful parts of life.

So when life happens…let recovery happen too. Even if life hurts, even if its unexpected..let recovery happen. Even if life feels like its spinning out of control…control the one thing you can..your recovery. You can’t control relapse once it happens..because relapse is giving up your control. But you can choose not to relapse. You can choose recovery. You can choose to let life happen and keep on living…recovered and free. It won’t be easy. Today wasn’t easy. I still feel guilty. But you know what…that’s okay. Guilt is a feeling…it will pass. But relapse…it feels like an eternity…and one day..it won’t pass..I will. And I am not willing to let that happen. So I am letting life happen…and today…I choose life… Crazy, chaotic, messy life but also freeing, joyful, suprising life. Because life..its better than relapse. Even the worst days in recovery are better than my best days in relapse. So I choose recovery. I choose life.