WIAW: In his memory

I know it supposed to be What I Ate Wednesday, but this is actually about a far more important day for me: Tuesday. So here is the post I wrote that day.

So today is the anniversary of the last time I spoke to my dad. Can’t believe it’s been a year. I miss our conversation as much now as I did the day he died. I miss simply being able to hear his voice, his laugh, and the three simple words: “I love you.”

I had two options with what to do with the anniversary of today. I could either let it bring me down….or I could use the motivation of my dad and all the words he spoke to me to kick some ED butt as he always pushed me to do. I chose the latter.

After having an amazing, reinvigorating meeting with a eating disorder treatment center regarding potential internships (more on this in a later post), I took my motivation and my memory of my dad and kicked some ED butt…and dangit I feel proud.  Thanks Jenn for letting me share.

Before I get to the food, with my exercise today I only did the amount planned and when my body was sore, I decided to do a stretching video. Listening to my body and taking time to stretch is something I never do, so this was big deal for me.

At lunch, I faced a combo I have been wanting but haven’t let myself try: Flatout wrap and pureed butternut squash. I also had a nectarine (fear fruit) on the side. I didn’t skimp any of it either. Oh…and also had turnip greens which were one of my dad’s favorite.

Flatout wrap with tuna and greens. Butternut squash, nectarine, and unpictured sunflower seeds.

Dinner challenge was quite a hard one to choose to do because it meant foregoing my love  obession with fiber intake. I don’t know when/how this started, but it is crazy how much I feel I have to eat only things with fiber. Well, not tonight.

OMG I Browned the Brown N'Serve

Tonight I did the Brown N’ Serve Aldi Rolls my dad used to always buy me around Thanksgiving (the only time Aldi sells them). I used to easily eat through them in a week….and now I haven’t had them in over a year. They have become a fear food after being a favorite food. Not tonight. Tonight I enjoyed these rolls again. I claimed back my victory, God’ victory, my dad’s words of wisdom and fight. And I kicked some ED booty (and it was delicious).

Even tried half “browned” for once (yes I eat these without cooking them usually). Was surprisingly good J

Another HUGE Dinner victory was that I didn’t skimp any potato. It was hardest thing ever. Usually I cut the potatoe and if any skin or small fragments happen I toss them. But not tonight. Tonight I ate the whole thing. And added cayenne pepper to (another thing I don’t do). Really scared, but couldn’t skimp and be honoring dad at same time.

Dinner is served! Whiting, peas, potato, roll, apple, turnip greens, yogurt. 

At my oatmeal snack, I decided I needed to do something to honor my dad (can’t leave a snack  out of the honoring process lol), so I decided to do a larger banana than normal (dad’s favorite fruit) and to not spill any oatmeal or anything. Also,I had to eat my b-fast and did a bigger English muffin and didn’t tear off the burnt part and increased my prunes by 1g (this is big deal b/c always do same grams on workout days and now I didn’t)! Side note: to save money on expensive sweetners, mix your bananas and yogurt into your oatmeal….SOOO good!

 

Yes...I eat snack in bed. Oatmeal, banana, 1/2 Enlgish muffin, prunes, yogurt, 18g almonds. 

Ending the day, it was bagel time and not only did I not round up my bagel calories (this snack is calorie based), like I have been lately, but I also had them with the side I really, really wanted and something my dad turned me onto…MUSHROOMS. Mushrooms aren’t so much a challenge, but eating something I wanted was. It meant choosing life and honoring what I wanted. Huge victory for me.  And yes, I do pour a jelly/mustard combo on my mushrooms. Also there is cayenne and truvia.I’m weird.

So that is how I honored my dad and his memory and you know what…I am happy. For first time in a while have a smile plastered across my face. Just as dad reminded me all the time, joy comes from fighting ED, claiming life, and walking in victory. Thanks dad for the motivation, God for the strength, and those who are reading for letting me share a bit of him. And I realized tonight….this doesn’t just have to be for tonight. I can use my dad’s memory to inspire my recovery every day…just like I did when he was alive.

I also wanted to invite you all to join me tomorrow (Thurs) on the actual anniversary of my dad’s death. I am hosting an “event” of sorts. It’s called Miracles in My Backyard. It’s a slogan my dad used to talk about the little miracles in life and he was even going to make a blog out of it. Here is a link to the event….would love if anyone wants to join and spread it. All you have to do is intentionally do something to make the day special for someone else or even for yourself J

P.S.—It also helped I was on Proverbs 3 for my proverbs a day reading. Right when I wanted to skimp potato I started reading and got this:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight” Prov 3:5-6 NIV

“ Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble. When you lie down, you will not be afraid;when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be at your side and will keep your foot from being snared.” Prov 3: 23-26 (NIV)

Miss you dad!

Reason behind the struggle: Where is my hope?

So this is a big week for me. It’s the 1-year anniversary of my dad’s death and it’s honestly got me thinking. I have told myself my recovery has been good and all, but honestly the fight for recovery and my progress has stalled since my dad died. Yes, it took me a year to realize this…but it’s true.

I guess in his death I just kind of lost my pursuit of a future. Everything seemed undoable without him. School, moving, marriage, becoming an ED therapist…everything. I did start to gain some hope when I thought I would escape all my negativity by moving to grad school and pursuing my passion, but that hasn’t been the case.

Coming here and being faced with the reality that all the dreams I wrote about before coming. Fun with roomies, dating, freedom, church, etc….none of it came to pass. I am more alone and isolated than I have ever been. I eat the same thing every day. And life is consumed with work, school, and stress. Yes…there are things I like and I love my server position…but living here has me so stuck in the now. In all I have to do and accomplish now. And when I think about dreaming about the future I just think that it didn’t work out with coming to Knoxville…why will it work out now.

I mean….it’s not completely tied to losing my dad….I think it really started there with the seed of fear that I couldn’t accomplish anything without both my parents. That I was facing a loss most don’t have to at my age and couldn’t overcome. Then when I moved to grad school and my dreams all came crashing down and none of them have been accomplished….I began to fear that is true for my future too. And so….the will to fight has become confusing.

Because if I don’t have a future or dreams/ambitions about them. If I never will be an ED therapist, never will get close enough to marry someone, won’t find and keep close friends….then what is the reason to fight? I mean I eat now and eat a good meal plan. Sure it’s not normal….but it’s sustainable and if I have lost my desire for “normalcy” and belief in a future….then sustainable is good enough.

The problem is it isn’t. I am frustrated with how I am living now and I want things to change…but thinking about the future just makes me depressed because right now I just see dreams that won’t come true. I just don’t know what to do or how to get back the motivation for a future I had before my dad died. There was always security things would work out and questions would be answered because he was around….now I just feel like my whole lifeplan has changed. And then I thought I could improve things without him, but my move to Knoxville showed my dreams just aren’t coming true. Yes…this mostly has to do with my roommate situation. 

It's just hard because recovery is terrifying so something has to drive you through the fear and I feel like I am still searching for that "something." A goal or hope or something I actually think will be possible if I recover. Maybe that is the issue...I have lost belief that I really can recover? But I have to. To accomplish my dreams...so am I just stuck. If I can't recover...if I've been in this too long...do I have to give up the biggest dream of my life to help and inspire other people with chronic eating disorders who are told they can't get better? 

So what do I do? Do I wait for my next set of roomies and hope it gets better? Do I force myself to be hopeful? How do I get back motivation? Well…at least on Thurs, the anniversary of my dad’s death, I will start seeing a new therapist. Maybe that will help. Still…I can’t help wishing he was here. Even in the darkest times he could bring me motivation and light. Miss you papa.

I just want to believe in my dreams again. I want my fight back. I just don't know how?

Shifting my Focus

So tonight I had a really long counter shift. Longer than I had planned. Which meant eating late. And that’s all my mind swirled to as the minutes ticked by. I started thinking how late I would be eating and what that would mean for the scale tomorrow. That was my only focus. The number I would face in the morning.

My mind didn’t think about the extra money I was getting. Or how much fun me and my co-workers could have. Or even the delicious food I had waiting at home. Or the fact I get to sleep in, so it was perfect night to work late. Nope. My focus was purely on the scale.

That was until I got home. As I rushed through making dinner, with fears swarming in my mind…I stopped. I realized I was focusing solely on the scale. I was freaking out about the day I had and the food challenges I did today and how now none of them seemed to matter because scale would be thrown off by eating late. In that moment…I realized the misery my misguided focus brings me…and I decided to shift my focus. By choosing not to worry about the scale…and instead to look at the positives of today…I got a renewed sense of hope. Heck..I even started to think maybe the scale won’t be impacted tomorrow.

So today I am shifting focus. Perhaps tomorrow I will freak out and focus my whole day on a rudimentary number that only measures how much gravity pulls on me….but not tonight. Tonight I am focusing on the laughs I shared. The money I made. The hope God has given me. And the major steps in recovery (some of them more leaps than steps) I made.

I will focus on the delicious food I still have to finish before I go to sleep so I can finish my meal plan. I will focus on the blessing of a job  God has given me. I will focus on the strength I gained from my papa bear, and my Heavenly Papa. I will focus on love, on laughs, on life. And I will leave the scale to the fishes.

I have wasted enough time being miserable and missing out on life because I am freaking out about a scale. It caused me to not be in the moment with my dad. Caused me to stress today when I didn’t have to. Heck….it caused me to freak out about all the great shifts I have this coming week instead of being grateful for them because I worried what eating late would mean on the scale. Well…it doesn’t matter. Not tonight. Not right now.

I will choose my focus and it will be one of joy and hope. I will focus on the now. The only moment I have…and I will praise God for it. I will find the little miracles in my backyard just like my papa bear taught me. Thank you Lord for my shift in focus. Help me to focus on what matters in life….and leave everything else up to trusting in You.  

Are these at all helpful to anyone? Please let me know. Feel like I am not making the difference in others or even in myself that I so need. 

Nov 5: Claiming your Recovery

A friend I have basically become reliant on in my recovery expressed to me today in the tough-love way only she knows how….that I need to either take responsibility for my recovery or seek higher care. At first I was outraged. “How dare she say such a thing.” That was what ED was saying. But then…then I let Jess speak. Here is what Jess said.

“She is right. You have relied on her over and over again to make decisions. Used her as a scapegoat to disobey ED. The same way you have in treatment. Making it about someone else making you do it. The same way the motivation to be free like your father was with food. To express your love for food the way he did…got twisted into recovering for him. But like every time in the past…if you keep recovering for other people…you will never get better. You have to admit and accept you are making these decisions and do it for you”

That is what the real me said. The true, genuine, scared…and yet completely motivated me said. The part that wants to recover. Because it’s the truth. I make hard recovery decisions but always get someone else’s approval. Notice I said approval…not support. Approval is getting the okay, support is knowing its okay and being confident in that..but asking others to help you through the fear. Support leads to recovery…but I am starting to think approval just keeps ED in power.

Until I can start claiming, accepting, and even feeling empowered by making my own recovery

decisions and beating ED myself..I won’t have a sustainable recovery…because I won’t be doing anything. It will always be other people. So I can stay buddy, buddy with ED, but disobey him because other people make me. Yes…this is the easy way to recover…and the easiest way to set yourself up to relapse. Because what about the one day (or in the case of my dad rest of my life) they aren’t there to give you approval. Then what? You listen to ED? And reality is no matter who gives you approval or who you ask to choose your meals….in the end really it is you making the decisions. It’s just sometimes hard to admit you are disobeying ED….because in the depths of it…sometimes ED seems safe to have around.

But recovery isn’t safe. Recovery is scary. And ED isn’t safe either. ED is on a path to bring you to death and destruction. So it’s up to you to save yourself and claim the life you want. But the first step is claiming the victories you have when YOU choose to disobey ED.

So today I didn’t overexercise. I choose scary foods (ie grilled chicken, applesauce, wheat bagel), I chose to not do ED behaviors (ie skimp food, pour out portions, spill oatmeal). I did it and after I decided to, sure I still asked for support…and sometimes even slipped into approval…but I claimed my responsibility…my choice. And I feel amazing. Proud even. Happy even. Excited even. Not at all how ED said I would feel. Maybe part of the power of recovery is realizing your power to overcome ED…one choice at a time. Praise God for my strength and this eye-opening experience. Hope it made some sense and you all are enjoying the reading J

Recovery is Rough, Hope Worth It

Today has been rough. Real rough. Had to get labwork done and felt horrible after. Problem was I couldn’t eat because spent lunch hour getting the labwork done. So I started getting shaky and dizzy, but ED made me feel too ashamed to ask for a break to go grab something to eat. So I stayed…miserable…and honestly putting myself in risk of passing out.

I left my internship (which led to a lot of eye-opening experiences I will go into later) and it was time to workout. Well, to finish my workout. Today was the first time I allowed myself to split up my workout even though that terrified me. And ED got right in my ear.  He tried to convince me to workout more…and honestly I agreed with him I should. That I should do 45 mins instead of 35 mins since all I had done that morning was a video. I didn’t have the energy to argue with ED…but I also have commited this month of recovery to my dad…and I didn’t have the heart to let his memory fade. So I agreed with ED…but still only did 35 mins.

I wish I could tell you right now that I feel great about that decision…or the recovery decisions that came after. Like adding food to make up for some that spilled. Eating dinner earlier even though not hungry. Choosing foods I want, not foods that are safe. Choosing to, even though I didn’t go poo today (sorry if TMI), not to take a laxative. To let my body just be a body. To not let the fear of what the scale will say tomorrow drive me today.

But reality is I don’t. I sit here terrified. Still debating if I will avoid the laxative. Still wanting to

workout. And completely, utterly terrified. But I have made decisions to make myself comfortable too long. That’s how I got where I am now and I am done. I will stick to my plan tomorrow of working out in the morning so I can have night off and fix my timing of my meals. I will try and make my dad proud and resist the suppository that is calling my name. I will be uncomfortable…because being comfortable got me to where I am now…and where I am isn’t where I want to be.

Need Readers Accountability

So I am possibly the worst blogger ever! But...life got real real crazy and recovery got real, real hard so I just stopped posting. I prioritized the wrong things and recovery started to slip. I didn't relapse, but I didn't spend time doing recovery-oriented things. But....school has toned down a lot and I want to commit to journaling and making those blog posts....good, bad, or neutral. It may be topics from Social Work classes I am in, or just how day was, or recovery tips. But it will happen. At least 3 days a week to start. BUT...I also know myself. And I know I won't do this if no one is reading and if I don't have accountability. So if you are out there...if you will hold me accountable...if you will maybe even comment sometimes....either comment below or shoot me an e-mail through the contact section. Thanks everyone.