Terrifyingly Exciting...Freedom Week begins

Well today has been terrifyingly exciting. I had weigh-in this morning didn’t go at all how wanted. Despite being down after weekend (which I knew was partly due to tummy upset) my weight shot back up today..so I wasn’t a happy camper. Still..if I looked over the whole week have only gained .2 aka maintained. It made me mad because if it was .2 lower I would have been happy…and then that made me mad because it’s freaking .2 lbs. Seriously, that’s so disordered. And then I got to thinking…if I only weighed once a week I would be stoked right now. With all the freedom foods I did…I would be jumping for joy. I was still frustrated…but moved on with my day and was scared for my appointment.

After class being cancelled I came back to my room and ate all my b-fast in one sitting (something my N has so wanted me to do). It was scary…but I felt normal. And then it was time to face the music and my N. I had e-mailed her my frustration with weight and a breakthrough I had after finding out my friend had a heart attack. I went into the session still really motivated though scared. I was in the same postion as last week. Scared I was all the sudden gaining yet having only gained .2 in week and thus facing an increase. But this week…I wasn’t going to not listen to N…and this is where the terrifying excitement began.

My N wanted to add three exchanges, but I was only expecting the one exchange she had intended to add last week. Before she informed me she wanted to add three exchanges I told her I just wanted to be free of my chains to calorie counting. I wanted to let go of all these food rules and just eat freely. I didn’t want to tack them one at a time..I just wanted to be free. And I wanted this to be the week to do it. She then informed me she wanted three exchanges. Luckily…she is reasonable and we negotiated…and this week…it’s my freedom week.

She did the one increase, but because I have promised to eat completely free (which is ensured because I have promised to eat a freedom food at every lunch and dinner) she isn’t adding the other two exchanges. I also am not allowed to weigh my fruit, have to do scarier (aka higher-calorie) spreads on my bagel, and am not allowed raw veggies for this week because I have become scared of steamed veggies. In my mind…all of these changes…especially the freedom is going to make me gain like 2 lbs this week…which will put me in the 90s. And that brings me to the hardest part of this week…I can’t weigh till Monday. It means trusting…it means eating the meal plan and doing the freedom because I want to..without having a number to tell me if it is okay or not..because numbers shouldn’t dictate my food. Numbers should be left to the expert aka my nutritionist. I am flipping scared, but also freaking excited.

I told my N just how scared I was. Before I could even tell her it was because I was convinced I would gain a ton. She kept telling me over and over again…if you don’t gain a lb this week those other two exchanges are coming next week. I then told her I just knew I would gain AT LEAST a lb doing all this. With the extra cals from starch increase, spread increase, scarier foods, no raw veg, and not weighing fruit…obviously it would happen. And she told me she doubted I would gain a lb this week. She has NEVER told me that so I know she really believes it. She would never give me an inkling I won’t gain a lb unless she believed it because she knows that would set me up for disaster if I end up gaining more than a lb. So it kind of increased my excitement.

And since this commitment to freedom week…it’s been awesome day. Sure…I am scared, but I am also feeling so free and excited. I got a lunch I wanted…not thinking about calories. I ate a roll AND soup at dinner which I have wanted forever. I’ve eaten the spread on bagel I wanted. Just eaten based off exchanges and taste and its been so awesome. I thank God for the strength to do it. And you know what…I feel happy and have forgotten about freak out this morning and really am telling myself I only gained .2 this week. It’s amazing how amazing I feel..and I hope I can stick it out and not weigh till Mon. I mean..that’s not even a week. And yes I am scared because my brain says drastic things could happen by Mon…but I am just gonna eat and live as if. As if my N is right and as if everything will be okay. Why live in the worst case scenario when I have a professional telling me otherwise? Plus…if I don’t gain a lb..and I actually commit to these next few days…it will be so freeing. The more I push myself, the more freeing it will be. I really have never been so excited to eat.

It’s funny…because it’s kind of like I am eating so freely so I can prove my N wrong. Prove to her that all this freedom foods and increased cals and stuff is enough to make me gain a lb..in fact even more. But deep in my heart…I am praying, hoping, pleading she is right. Guess there is only one way to find out. It’s terrifying yes…but terrifyingly exciting!

Goals this week:

1. Not weigh till Monday

2. Eat based off exchanges not calories, what I want, ED is not invited to meals

3. Freedom food at every lunch and dinner

4. Riskier spreads on bagel

5. No weighing fruit

6. No raw veggies

7. Continue with weekly dessert (already chose it...Mon is banana pudding day!)

Badges of....Honor?

I realized something about my disorder today that I have never before allowed myself to acknowledge. I am scared to gain weight, scared to lose this disorder, because being sick has become of badge of sick, twisted honor. Being able to get to such a small weight…it’s something I did. Something I put my mind to and feel I have “accomplished,” yet there has been no reward. It’s like I don’t want to move on and gain the weight until I am acknowledged for all this “hard work” I put in. But there is no reward for getting this thin and sick….because it isn’t something to be desired of praised. But that’s not what my mind tells me…my mind drives me that if I haven’t been acknowledged it’s because I haven’t done well enough aka gotten sick enough.

I remember when I first went to treatment and realized how sick people can get with this disease. That people can have to get tubes put in them or be confined to wheelchairs or to day rooms all because they have gotten so sick. Instead of feeling bad for those girls I saw with feeding tubes, in wheelchairs, or on full day room…I wanted to be them. So the next time I went to treatment I went in a little sicker, but only for partial day room…so not sick enough. So I came out again and here I am probably sick enough to be on full day room and having already been threatened with feeding tubes.

But I haven’t been put on full day room, haven’t gotten a feeding tube, and I am not in a wheelchair…so in my mind I can’t get better because I never achieved those goals. As if checking myself into treatment just to be deemed sick enough to be on full day room is worth losing the freedom of being out of treatment. As if that’s worth losing school and my job. All to get some badge that yes, I was sick enough to be on full day room. And being in a wheelchair…since when is that something to be honored for? I don’t see people jumping in front of buses hoping they break their legs so they can be in a wheelchair. Yet here I am driven to get thin enough that my body can’t hold itself up anymore. And a feeding tube. I don’t want to be fed through a freaking tube. I could probably walk in a hospital right now and get a feeding tube but why? How is that something to show off and feel proud of? I don’t know..but it feels like it is to me and that makes me so sad.

What makes me even more sad is that I probably am sick enough that if I chose to go to treatment I would get a wheelchair, feeding tube, and full day room. I don’t know for sure..but knowing my % IBW of 66%....most likely I would. Now the only problem is the only way to find out and get the “reward” my ED is driving me to need as some badge of twisted honor…it would require me going back to treatment which is something I definitely don’t want. Even if I do go back to treatment and get my badges and get placed in a wheelchair with a feeding tube on full day room…then what? I will gain weight, lose the badges, and be right back to square one..and I doubt I will feel it was worth it.

So why can’t I just let go of pursuit of sickness? Why can’t I aim for a badge to actually be proud of? If I choose to get sick enough and relapse again and get sent to treatment or the hospital for a feeding tube…I lose the badge I want…the badge of recovering outpatient. Isn’t that something to actually be proud of? I mean reality is I have been to treatment and been put on full day room…though it was for emotional not physical means. I honestly felt proud when it happened to because I felt like I was the sickest one in the room. But no one in my life cares about that. None of my friends would applaud if I told them I was on full day room…because it isn’t a badge of honor. I have also been threatened with feeding tubes and heck could probably get in a wheelchair if I wanted. So really I have earned my badges…just by not going inpatient I am not cashing in my torture for those “rewards.”

I don’t want to have to leave school, my job, my family, the life I am finally enjoying living all just to get these badges of so-called honor. I want to move on with life, but then there is this part of me that just doesn’t feel justified. How can I justify this torment if it’s not acknowledged…I’m not sure. Definitely something to talk about in therapy, because I want to move on. I want to pursue badges of true honor. I want to trade in these badges of sickness for ones of health. The badge of being underweight with being at a weight I can maintain with Katherine. The badge of wheelchair bound for the badge of running my first 5k. The badge of feeding tube for the badge freely feeding myself. The badge of full day room for the badge of fully recovered outpatient. Instead of running back to inpatient/residential to cash in for the badges of sickness…I want to earn my badges of health. I want to trade in the desire to be the girl with a feeding tube in a wheelchair, to the girl with her BS degree walking across the graduation stage this May. 

This scares me though because in my mind right now my illness seems like something I have worked for whereas recovery, because I am so scared of it, seems like something that is being done to me. And if it is something being done to me I don’t feel I earn anything. I know in reality the reverse is true. My illness and being underweight has been done to me as my disorder took over and took control. Recovery, on the other hand, is something I have to fight tooth and nail for because I am so scared of it. If I attain full recovery it will be something I earned and fought for…along with God, my family, friends, and my team. I know these things, and I know I don’t want to go back to treatment…so how to I strip myself of pursuit of these badges and move on? Because clinging onto the pursuit of these badges is keeping my clung on to a low weight…keeping me from gaining weight and keeping me from being able to be a success story of outpatient treatment like I so desire.

Why can't I trust? And how tonight I did.

Okay so I weighed in this morning and I am at 88.4 which is only up .2 lbs in this week but 1.8lbs in two weeks. I convinced myself my N wouldn’t make me increase today because it is still 2 lbs in two weeks. Plus, I was scared if she did. You see this is the same pt we were at before my last lapse. This is what happen.

Week1 then: I gained 1.2 lbs (up to 88.6)   

Week 2 then: I lost .4 lbs  (down to 88.2) so we added  6 almond

Week 3 then: well only lasted till Mon then lapsed but I gained .6 lbs to 88.8

So I got convinced in Week 2 body lied to me. That it hadn’t really lost because calories from 6 almonds shouldn’t have caused that to happen. Granted..I never gave body a chance or even a full week, but still I freaked and lapsed. And now ED has told me since this happened:

Week 1 now: Gained 1.6 lbs (up to 88.2)

Week 2 now: Gain .2 lbs (up to 88.4)

Well that I don’t need increase because even without increase my weight is just gonna shoot up next week. Bascially it comes down to not trusting my body. I just don’t trust that the extreme hunger coupled with basically maintaining this week means I need more food. I am convinced body is tricking me and want to prove it to everyone by not increasing this week and showing them all I still gain a lb. But also…I desperately want to be wrong. I want to just trust that when I don’t gain means I need more food. It’s so easy when I am restricting the second I don’t lost I drop intake, but for increasing intake there is all this caution and mistrust in me.

Then when I told N my weight…she said “well then we will have to add exchange” and I froze. She knew what happened last time and she had said we might not increase this week even if don’t gain a lb since I gained more than a lb in first week. She wanted to add a single starch, but I was adamant that would not be happening. I was (and am ) convinced without exchange my weight is going to shoot up. My N tried to make me see I have been hungry and my weight didn’t go up really…so it is sign body need more. But I am just convinced she is wrong and my body is wrong. That come next week if we added a starch weight would shoot up because really I don’t need more.

We ended up talking and due to some other stressors occurring this week (ie my grandma coming into town and me going home this weekend) we wouldn’t add the exchange. Instead I need to eat higher cal spreads on my bagels a few times this week and make sure my starches are > 65 calories per exchange (sometimes I only do 55 calories). It was what I wanted…well what ED wanted..and I was sure I would be happy…but I am just more anxious.

See now I am terrified no matter what happens. Let’s take the scenario I really,really don’t want. That ED is proven right. That come a week from today, despite not really increasing, I gain a lb. Well then I really won’t trust my body, will never trust when I need increase, and will never trust my hunger cues. I will be in a whirlwind of even further distrust with me body. So basically…I will be terrified and screwed.

So then let’s take the scenario I think I want. One where I end up not gaining this week and ED is proven wrong and I see I can (and should have) trusted my N. Well then we are week behind in my goal for graduation. I will be under even more pressure to gain. And I risk not reaching my maintenaince weight in time to practice it with my N. So that doesn’t seem to good either.

I wish I could just trust and add the exchange. I mean it would still show whether my body lied and I didn’t need more (ie I gain a ton from tiny addition) or I did need more (ie body gains maybe a lb next week). But I wouldn’t be risking a week. Yet, I can’t get myself to do that. I just want proof I can trust my body and N. I want this week so I can see and trust that.

But again I don’t want to risk being a whole week off. I e-mailed my N and asked her (since I weigh-in on Fridays too) that if I don’t gain by Fri maybe I should add the starch. That way I get best of both worlds. ED proven wrong (way wrong actually but back to that in a moment) and I don’t lose week of progress.

But now I am even more nervous about Friday because tonight my dining hall is having a special event and I am actually going to eat at it. I will be having a Veggie Dog on a bun with relish, corn on cobb, vinegar slaw, and possibly a dessert called Puppy Chow I have been avoiding my whole time here. How in the world will I eat that and not have my weight shoot up. And then Fri when I see my weight has shot up I will be freaking out that body really did lie. Ugh…this is just so frustrating.

I am tired of not trusting my body. It’s a freaking body. It’s doesn’t have emotions of motives. It can’t trick me….it can’t lie to me..because it’s not a being…its just a body. Yet I can’t trust it. This is the issue behind a lot of my ED. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust my body. I don’t trust my N. I don’t trust God. I just don’t trust. I am always convinced people (and in this case my body) are out to get me or hurt me.

So…I don’t know. I hope maybe this week I will see I can trust. But then…if I have to see it is it really trust. I don’t know. And I just…I’m too scared to add in the exchange now. But I’m too busy to worry about Friday. So..guess just going to give it over to God and deal with Friday when it gets here. Fingers crossed, prayers lifted, fears released.

UPDATE!!!

Well I just went to show that ED may sneak into my N session, but when I turn back to God the day can turn back to Him as well. After realizing how I let ED take over my session and how being defiant to my N was being defiant to God….I went into my challenge dinner with an honest anger at ED for holding me back yet again. So I vowed to make this challenge meal one I really wanted.

It was a theme night in my dining hall and the first one I have ever eaten at. That’s right, it’s my senior year and this is the FIRST time I have eaten on a theme night in the dining hall. And it was the Homecoming Dinner. How appropriate seeing as I am living my prison of ED and going Home to the arms of my Savior. So I went in and was gonna do my challenge meal.

I got to dining hall and got what me and my N agreed on: veggie dog on a white bun with relish. I was also supposed to get corn on the cobb but the lovely dining hall added butter which I can’t eat. ED did jump in as I went to get my usual side of peas…but (luckily) the dining hall was out so I was left to make a decision in the moment. Usually I would freak out…but tonight I decided to just choose another starch exchange….calories not mattering. So I went with the black beans I have been craving. When I went to sit down, I knew I wanted mustard on my veggie dog..but mustard wasn’t in the challenges for this week. That’s what ED was saying. But I said screw it…if I am doing freedom I’m doing it fully. So I got mustard too J It was honestly the best meal ever because it was what I wanted. IT was also completely terrifying and filling….but the fear was so worth the joy I felt.

I also told my N I would sneak out some puppy chow my school is known for but only makes on occasion. She told me I had to have some before I graduated…and I was planning to maybe have some on Friday since I was going on a run. But tonight…I decided to screw that idea too. What was the normal, non-ED thing to do. It was to have it tonight. My N said if I decided to do it tonight I could just have a little bit but it wouldn’t count anything. Needed 1/3 cup for it to count. But I had looked up the stats and that terrified me.

But I wanted to be normal, wanted to be free of ED, and wanted to try the puppy chow I have avoided my whole college career out of fear. So I did 1/3 cup. I didn’t actually like it, but now I can say I tried it! And you know what? I’m terrified. Absolutely flipping out. ED is screaming that any hope I had to maintain come Fri is gone that I am going to shoot up like 4 lbs because of my “mistakes” tonight. But you know what I hear more than that? I hear that little girl inside of me..I hear her saying thank you. I hear that freshmen Jess breathing a sigh of relief….letting go of the tension of the chains of ED. And you know what I feel more than this crippling fear. I feel the strength of my God, the joy from doing what I wanted, and the freedom from, for just one meal, letting it all go.

I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow. I don’t know what Friday will bring. But I know no matter what God will see me through. Because He did tonight. He gave me the strength I never knew I had…and He provided for freedom and joy I feel blessed to have received. I thank God for this victory…tonight Jess won, and ED was sent packing. 

WIAW in recovery #1: Freedom Foods

I am rejoining the WIAW party but this is #1 because I am in true recovery now so thanks Jenn for this chance. So I won't really share what I eat in a day...because that's boring. But will share my freedom food for the week. In this case though I have TWO WEEKS to catch you all up on. So let's get this party started.

So there are some things I have eaten but didn't take pics of because....well they just weren't picture worthy. But here is the down low.

Both weeks I have faced bananas. I love bananas and am tired of fearing a FRUIT! It's a freaking fruit! Now I have eaten it and am still scared, but I am going to keep pushing till bananas are accepted. Plus they are freaking delicious. 

The next one I am ashamed of, but it is a big feat for me. I have allowed myself mustard both weeks. I know...it's silly, but I don't allow myself condiments because of extra calories and literally for months have been craving mustard...so I finally had it. First was on my tuna wrap and second time on my freedom sandwich you will see in a bit. 

I also finally faced an everything bagel. I wasn't that much of a fan of it but my N says I have to face it at least two more times before I write it off....I am going to tell her the disordered way I ate it too...and then I might have to do it three more times. I kind of brushed off some of the seeds on top. Honestly, I just want to be able to eat one because they are my dad's favorite. One day I hope to eat one with him and not be scared....one like this pic. 

Now onto my own photography genius :) 

I also went ahead and faced my fear of extra almonds, mixing foods, and almonds that aren't my safe ones and did a mix of these three (6 of each). Definitely the best is cocoa roasted and I have been doing it every morning and now it isn't so scary.  

I also have had to face PB both weeks....and I loved it and hated it at same time. Both times did it on my daily bagel and honestly, the only thing I thought was, I want more PB on this. Also I eat my bagels really weird as you will notice. I only like spread on half of my bagels and the other half I steam in a baggy. Basically after I toast it I seal it back in the baggy without topping...I don't know I just like it that way. But I'm not sure if eating half with topping and half without is disordered...I know it's not normal...but that doesn't mean it's ED...I also will have to sometime soon move away from reduced-fat PB but honestly I like it better because it taste so sweet :) 

I also have had to face raisins both weeks. Last week I tried golden raisins in my cheerios. I wasn't a fan of the golden raisins, but again I have to give them another shot. This week was the normal raisins at lunch. I am so freaking tired of being afraid of fruits all because of numbers. It's a fruit. We tell kids to eat more fruits and veggies and yet I am scared of them. Just another reason I hate and continue to fight ED. 

Another lovely freedom food from this week was turkey burger. I was so scared of this that I decided to buy funny plate to have it on. Who can be scared of something when there is a smiling monkey looking at you? Now I did special request how it should be cooked and then further cooked it on my George Foreman....so I didn't like the taste...but I know I will have to face it again. I also really do want to have it on a bun instead of corn tortilla. But it is baby steps here people :) 

This week I even faced two freedom foods in one sitting: chickpeas and sweet potatoe. I used to love chickpeas. I ate them like they were candy...then somewhere along the way ED took over and bye bye went the chickpeas. And sweet potatoes...they used to be a safe food, but thanks to ED nothing became safe. I still have a ways to go with accepting these two items. For example, I still measure out the sweet potatoe and only eat 1/2 cup. I also washed off the beans. I want to just be able to eat, but I am again taking baby steps...and I inform my N of these limitations. I also refuse to mark them off my list until I face them and accept them completely. 

I also faced a social phobia and food in one sitting because I had deli sandwich with mustard and ate it with a friend. Honestly, I was so scared that day I didn't even taste it. And tummy got upset a few hours later so I think I may actually be allergic, but will ask N tomorrow. The amazing part thought was that despite me eating and her not having anything she was eating..I stayed present. I was anxious and sure was having food thoughts, but was so excited to be spending time with her they were few and far between.

Outside of just eating fear foods we have also been working on this week allowing myself freedom in the moment and trusting exchanges and cravings not just looking at everything as numbers. This led to four events this week. One you saw earlier but I allowed myself a cookie just because I wanted it. Also, I love (but am still terrified of) these yeast rolls at my school. One day I couldn't decide what starches to have for lunch because my typical ones just weren't appealing...and so my N said to have the roll at lunch. I freaked (and was completely excited). I NEVER allow the roll at lunch completely because of numbers. I even expressed this to my N, but she still said to do it and since part of my contract is I can't say no to her...I did it. I cursed her and thanked her the whole freaking time. And then this weekend the dining hall ran out of my safe cucumbers....so I was forced afforded the opportunity to eat tomatoes. This is when I realized they got scary again. A freaking vegetable..when will the madness end. I don't know...but I am going to keep fighting till it does. And then this afternoon I saw orange glazed carrots on menu and remembered how much I liked them...so despite having two other freedom foods I got them. 

And the all time most hated and loved at the same time part of my new meal plan....weekly desserts that count as extras to my meal plan. My N says we will be working up to THREE PER WEEK. Yeah...she is part of training session on ED now...and she heard around the block that is what is typically prescribed and mandated. Part of me hates she learned this (I kind of knew it), but the other part..the little girl in me..she is so freaking excited. So last week it was this PB bar I used to love at my school...though wasn't a fan this time. Again, N said I have to have at least two more times before decided. And then the other one you all read about and was the 5 pieces of candy on Halloween. And guess what...neither one made me balloon. In fact I lost after the candy!

So that's the freedom the past two weeks have brought...and honestly...I am excited to see what freedom awaits me this coming week. It's so scary, but looking back...it's worth every moment of fear.