Have to keep this short, but wanted to share something I
discovered today. Today was a rough and stressful day. I lost a key at work
which is a huge deal (later found it…woohoo). Had a resident who couldn’t
check-out so now I have to check her out at 8 am tomorrow. I felt sick. Then
got stressed out over coordinating and planning for graduation Friday. This led
me to be hit with grief over my day and missing the excitement he would have
brought. How he would have made a day of it. And then…to top it all off…found
out the huge senior event I have been looking forward to all week…was tonight,
not tomorrow as I thought. And I found this out AFTER it was over.
All of this brought huge emotions for me. And when I got
that last piece of bad news I decided I wasn’t going to eat. That was my
honest, first solution. Just don’t eat. But then I stopped…and I realized that
wouldn’t solve anything. Yes….all of this killed my appetite and I think that
is normal for anyone. Stress and grief causing loss of appetite, but that doesn’t
mean the solution was to not eat.
Not eating wouldn’t make the event happen. Yes…I was angry
that I got the date wrong. Yes…it was my fault (though there wasn’t much
advertisement), but not eating wouldn’t fix it. It would just throw away my 75
days of recovery and stress me out more.
Not eating wouldn’t bring my dad back. Yes…it would express
that I was hurt and sad and angry. But it wouldn’t bring him back and it wouldn’t
honor him. Honoring him would be through eating.
Not eating wouldn’t make the stress and planning go away. It
might make me not feel for a little bit. Or not focus on what I was feeling.
But soon the emotions would be back.
Not eating was not the solution. It seemed like it, but it
wasn’t. And missing the event wasn’t the end all, be all. Honestly, it was
gonna be stressful trying to get to it tomorrow anyway. And I was just gonna
pop in…so it wasn’t even that big of a deal. It SEEMS like it right now, but a
few years..heck maybe in a few weeks or a few days I won’t look back on this
time and be thinking…yes it was a great graduation, but I sure wish I went to
the Alumni event.
So…I did the right thing. I sat down and ate. Right after
the bad news…I did my scariest snack. No…it didn’t make anything better, but
restricting probably would have made everything worse. It didn’t make me feel
better to eat. But it was something I needed to do, so I did it. And I am
proud. Because I took the time to think things out and did the right thing. I
didn’t let ED use the events of life to get me back in his grasps. I ate
because I knew I needed to. And I let myself feel the disappointment knowing
there was nothing I could do to bring my dad back, the event back, or to solve
the graduation issues right now.
And you know what. I am happy for those who are going to my
graduation. Who are making a day of it. I am greatful for the friend who is
doing photos for me tomorrow and the additional time we can now take. I am
greatful for the extra time to get packing done. And had I known event was
tonight, I still couldn’t have gone. I am trusting God has a plan, and His plan
for me didn’t involve this event. There must be something better for me for
tomorrow J
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