Thanks dad...got my understanding and motivation

Jan 15, 2014

Well my dad gifted me today on his birthday with wisdom and understanding after my nutritionist session. After realizing yesterday there is so much I still have to fight for. Having an interview with UT that made me remember I still have a life and future. And remembering I won’t have my N after May. I realized this weight gain thing..it has to happen. And I’m never gonna feel ready. I’m never gonna want to do it. It’s just…it’s got to happen.

Well..it doesn’t have to. I can stay in misery, fear, ED and choose to maintain in the 80s the rest of my life. It’s an option. But I won’t have a nutritionist. I won’t have guidance. I won’t have a meal plan. And I won’t have any freedom whatsoever. I will be stuck eating miniscule amounts of food, being terrified of fruits/veggies, weighing every morsel of food. I won’t be able to go to grad school, won’t get any job in the ED field, and basically will just live the rest of my life at home in an eating disorder. That isn’t a life I want.

OR I can choose to just let this weight gain happen. It’s going to eventually whether I want it to or not. It has to happen. For me to be healthy, to be normal…well I can’t be in the 80s with a BMi in the 13s. I just can’t. It just doesn’t work that way.

And I want to eat normally and freely. That can’t happen if I am trying to maintain a weight someone of my 5’7.5” stature shouldn’t be at. I will just be restricting and slowly destroying my body. So…I have to gain weight. It sucks…but guess what. I got me here. Well…ED got me here. So I need to leave ED in the dust and get myself out of the predicament I am in. That means coping with weight gain..not running from it.

I kind of see now maintaining a low weight is stupid. I mean...what grad school will give me an assistantship? If I get my MSW what ED clinic would ever hire me? I am basically giving up my dream if I stay at this weight. I say it brings me comfort...but it doesn't. It brings me panic and daily weighing and restriction. It sucks. Gaining weight sucks too.. but at least then I get to work with you and have a chance at a normal relationship with food and of a future. 

How am I going to do this? I don’t know. But now I have an ultimatum from my N and if I don’t gain…we can’t see each other. I can’t lose her. Left to my own devices at this point..there is no way I will ever be able to eat normally. No way I will be able to know what to eat. And honestly…I don’t know if I will survive till the end of the semester if left to myself and left to maintain in the 80s.

So I am going to try and keep my focus of recovery on the things I am accomplishing that I want to accomplish. Freedom foods, eating out, desserts, eating with people. Let that be what I look at every week. Let weight be something I report to my N, but not my focus. I don’t know if it will work, but what I am doing now ain’t working. Plus…this whole relapse thing is getting kind of stupid, boring, and repetitive. I am getting nowhere.

You know why I hate running on tredmills? Because you don’t get anywhere. Same thing with tracks. You just end back up where you started. Well..right now that is my method of recovery. Recover, be scared, gain weight, lose weight gained and then some, start again. So maybe it’s time I get off the track and hit the trail. Time I start taking this recovery somewhere..instead of ending up right where I started. 

What I want....but just can't get

I have relapsed again. Yesterday I dropped my fruit and dairy snack and I used laxatives. All to lose weight and be back in 80s which I was this morning. I restricted knowing I had done 40 minutes cycling and had rounds for duty. But all that mattered was my weight. Now I have another lb to lose till I feel I can be free.

I opened up to my N about my unwillingness to gain weight and she said we may not be able to work together anymore. In that instant I realized everything relapse is costing me. If I lose my N…I lose all hope of recovery. At least outpatient. I just stopped caring about gaining weight because I figured there was no reason to gain weight without my dad. I was gaining to a certain weight based on a pic and a time I was with my dad and happy. Without him..I can’t fight for that reality. But with this relapse. With the misery I feel even only being in day 2 of it. I realize there is so much more to my recovery, so much more I want than just a picture. Things I wanted separate from anything having to do with my dad. Things I wanted for myself. Things I won’t be able to do without my nutritionist. But things I want to do without gaining weight.

• I want to be able to eat freely.
• I want to experience the love for food my dad had.
• I want to cook a meal for the family and eat it.
• I want to go to fro-yo with a friend.
• I want to go through a Starbuck’s drive-through and trust what they make.
• I want to be free to drink diet soda without worrying about sodium.
• I want to eat dessert when I want it.
• I want to walk into the dining hall knowing I can eat anything in there I want.
• I want to be able to eat whatever fruit/veg I want.
• I want to eat without a food scale.
• I want to eat jimmy john’s again.
• I want to be able to eat in front of people.
• I want to weigh only weekly .
• I want to eat at normal times
• I want to not be ashamed of eating.
• I want to exercise for enjoyment not for calories.
• I want to enjoy a rest day from exercise.
• I want to be able to eat a meal and leave it…not carry the thoughts of it with me the whole day.
• I want to be able to go to an interview weekend and worry about the interview not about how to hide my disordered eating.
• I want to be able to go to a restaurant and eat.
• When I have to share my favorite food (ie Peanut Butter) I want to be able to share it knowing I’ve actually eaten it in the past year.
• I want to eat a sample in the grocery store if it looks good.
• I want to try a bite of food if someone offers without worrying about the calories.
• I want to enjoy and partake in communion not look at it as calories.
• I want to be able to trust my nutritionist. To eat just as she asks knowing she can be trusted.
• I want to eat and not deem the meal/day “healthy” or “unhealthy” based on it
• I want to eat without counting fiber in my head.

I WANT TO BE FREE! I want to be truly free. I am tired of the numbers, the worries, the panic. I want to just freaking eat. Like a normal person. Fork to mouth. Eating. Not counting. Just nourishing my body. That’s all I want. I just want to be free to eat. I want to eat as if I never had a disorder. But I am scared of getting huge doing that. I am scared that means being obese again. I am scared it means having no control. And so when I start to gain weight…I start to feel that lack of control and think it to be truth.

So how to I get what I want. How do I do that? I sought a dietitian to help me…but I am told I have to gain weight. That’s not on my list of wants. Can I not just have those and not gain weight. I mean my desire to be free is greater than my fear to gain weight…but I just…I don’t know..something stops me. I just want to figure it out. Daddy…you always knew. You knew how to re-motivate me. How to get me focused on the right things. I need to know what you say. I want to be strong on your birthday tomorrow. I want to fight for all the things I want. The things ED keeps me from. But how…how do I do this without you. How do I find motivation in myself. How do I gain weight? How do I recover…

Dear Dad..WE DID IT!

 January 9, 2014

Dear Papa Bear—

 Did you see daddy! Did you see! I faced blackened tilapia tonight! I know you saw…in fact, I know
you were there every step of the way. Holding my plan and enjoying a plate right there beside me.

I remember almost a year ago when we were at Costco and you saw blackened tilapia (or maybe it was mahi-mahi) and you said now that looks good and I agreed. Then I looked at the nutrition facts and said, but it’s a definite fear food. You tried to reassure me and told me it was silly and was completely healthy and you bought it. I told you one day I would face it, but I was always too scared.

Well..it was on the menu and when in the session with Katherine yesterday when she asked what fear food I wanted to face today…I was honest and said this one. That I wanted to have this one for you. In your honor. But now I see I am not having it for you, but I got to have it with you. Not the same as had you been alive, but still I did it! No…we did it! You, me, and God.

ED tried to sneak in. I got two pieces and he wanted me to do the smaller one. He wanted me to do a lower calorie starch but I didn’t. He wanted me to do low sodium dressing instead of olives, but I didn’t. Nope…tonight I made a choice. I decided ED stole enough of our meals together when you were physically here…I wouldn’t let him steal this meal too. I refused. I was going to enjoy this meal with you, honoring you, and leaving ED in the dirt.

This meal with you…it mattered more than ED…more than my fear of my weight tomorrow…more than my fear. I wanted to honor you and I know….I know you were here by my side. Thank you daddy.

Oh…and just to make the meal complete…I had it on a tiger plate, because in one of your last text to me you told me to let out my roar…and I will daddy. I will!

Love you,

Jess

P.S.---yes I know you could have done it a lot better and can hear you chiming in about all the seasonings they used and all the ones they didn’t. How they could have cooked it better. They tried daddy…but no one will ever be as good a cook as you J

It's Okay to be okay

Today is really the first day of peace for me since my dad died. It was the first day of Tues/Thurs classes and it was hard. I still wanted to call and talk to my dad. Tell him how the day was, how fun class was, how awesome my new professor was…but I couldn’t. Instead of getting down on that though..I called my mom. Instead of living in what parts of life I didn’t have…I clung on to what I did. And it felt good. And I could feel my dad smiling down on me.

I’m seeing it’s okay. I’m not replacing him. I don’t need to feel that way. What I am doing is accepting it sucks my dad died. It was a horrible thing and I didn’t deserve to lose my dad, Joanne didn’t deserve to lose her husband, the tennis team didn’t deserve to lose their captain, my stepsiblings their stepdad, my aunt and uncle their brother…but we did. We did lose his physical presence on earth…and that is just our reality. But we didn’t lose the lessons and love of my father. That’s here with his spirit too.

So I did what my dad would have wanted me to do. I marched on. I lived and experienced the moment. And I talked to him and to God. I told him how the day was and then I realized…he already knew. All the little miracles of the day he was a part of. It made me smile. I realized he is more a part of my life now than he was before. Before, I would get too busy to call or times would get messed up and we would miss each other’s calls or my phone would die. Things could get in the way. But now…now he is smiling down on me every moment and placing little miracles in my life.

So yes…life is different now. It’s not how I planned and it never will be. I will miss my dad. I will have to do things a little differently because he is not there. But I can still be happy. He would still want me to be happy. I can be happy and miss him too. He was happy but he missed his mom and dad. When he lost his job he was sad, but at the same time with us he was happy. Because he knew there was more to life, he knew he would see his parents again, and he knew life and truly living was so important. He put his purpose in life first and kept going step by step. That part of him is in me and will get me through this.

I am going to try and accept this is my reality. He isn’t coming back, but he also didn’t leave. His spirit is still here. His lessons are still here. And his love is still here in my stepmom and my family. There are still people physically here who love me. They won’t take his place, but they will help me get through even with a hole in my heart. My heart may never be whole again…not till I’m in heaven. But the love of others can help fill it up as much as is possible. But I have to let them love me. Just like I let my dad love me.

So today was a good day. Thank you Lord for the peace today and for me being at peace with the peace. I love you daddy and I miss you. Thank you for my little miracles today…they made me smile.

Just have to post honestly. first day of classes and pain of missing mt dad is too much. On top of that weight shot up so I am going craxy and feel huge. For today will stick with my meal plan but only in hopes be back down tomorrow. Relying on God but i need to be back in 80s. i need that simple comfort. Sorry I am a bad example.

30 days symptom free!!

Dear Jess—

Congrats! You made it to 30 days. Honestly it feels like shit because I don’t want to weigh this much, feel so fat, and am waiting for my metabolism to speed up so I can be back in the 80s. I even planned an easy dinner so I could maybe lose, but then instead ate what I wanted. Still really safe I thought because planned 1 cup green peas..that was sure to be under cals. Weighed it on food scale…then typed into cal calculator. FUCK! 120 cals. That’s exactly what supposed to be. And my potatoes are 80 cals which is higher than minimum.

My brain screamed. ED yelled at me. I had already challenged myself with sweet potatoes. My timing was good. And I was freaking eating meal plan. What?! Well I tried something different today. Instead of hopping down that rabbit trail I got on my knees and I prayed the serenity prayer. I prayed that God help me know he is in control of my body, of weight, of calories. I was given instruction through exchanges…that is how I should think. That He allow me to enjoy the meal and bless it to the nourishment of my body. Let me just say…it didn’t provide answers or logic. I didn’t feel any better or feel I wasn’t going to balloon. But I felt peace. And I decided only one way to prove ED wrong…to do the next right thing and eat the dinner and snacks I planned.

It may have taken me 30 days to do it. But hey..it’s better late than never. I still don't feel proud, but hey I don't feel as miserable as I did 31 days ago. So I got my red chip and felt a little proud...but I still want to weigh less...ED is still there...I even dreamed of drinking...but I wanted my red chip and I got it. I have no motivation to stick to plan tomorrow if weight still not down...but I will deal with tomorrow tomorrow. For now...focus on today. 

Yours truly (because I can't say love yet)

Jess

Sorry I've been away

For anyone who is reading...sorry I haven't written in a while. The grief over losing my dad is at an all time high and it's taking all my energy just to get through the day. I just don't have the time to write right now. I am sorry...but for right now I have to focus on my recovery, every moment, and getting through the day. Recovery wise I am still on track..but my steam, motivation..it's all waning. I am maintaining my weight and haven't told my nutritionist because I can't handle another increase. I am back at school which means back with stress. So I will write again...I just don't know when.