Hidden Layer of my ED

A simple text....that's all it took and a huge realization hit me. It wasn't even the whole text....just these words in response to me cutting myself down about drinking a Coke Zero...."Jess, you deserve it." I won't go into the details of how that led to this realization (because a two hour long car drive is a whole lot to type), but I am so thankful it did....and I want to share my realization with you all because I think it can bring someone else healing too.  Btw...sorry for the lack of photos...but this post is about more than that.

For the longest time (literally till today) I have believed my ED was tied to control, and don't get me wrong it is. But today...with that text...with the single word deserve I realized my ED is about something more too. Something I have never worked through in therapy because I never realized it. My ED and inability to complete outpatient treat.....my inability to completely commit to meal plan...my inability to gain weight...it's tied to my overwhelming desire to punish myself. Let me explain.

Let's start with why I feel I need to punish myself. This goes back to something that is very hard for me to share...but I need to. When I was 6 (and probably earlier I just can't remember anything before then) my house was turmoil...absolute chaos. It was a household of abuse, anxiety, anger, and alcohol. There were nightly arguments between my mom and dad, items broken, and people hurt. The person hurt the most...at least in my eyes: my brother. You see my mom and dad exchanged hurtful words to one another...but almost instantly when the fights broke out...before me and my brother even had time to hide...my father would come for him. I will spare you the details....but there was running as my brother tried to escape the alcohol-induced  rage of my father, the lock of the door as he was trapped in his room with the monster alcohol made my dad become, and then the blood curdling scream that rings in my ears even today as my brother cried for help. This went on for years...up until my parents divorce...but not a single night did my dad come for me. Not a single one. No matter if I had screwed up...no matter how bad I tried to screw up....how many rules I broke....or how many prayers I desperately prayed for my father, just that one night, to come to get me not my brother.....he never came for me. Only my brother....all the anger...some I rightly deserved...it all went to my brother. And 6 year-old me vowed then (I realized today) I would punish myself to write the wrong done to my brother....to punish myself since my dad never punished me and my brother took all the pain I deserved.

So at the age of 6 I started binge eating. I literally never understood my binge eating until today. You see I realize now I binge not to fill a void in my heart, but to punish myself. Growing up with a mom who was a recovering anorexic and thus so controlling of the food we ate...I knew she would be disgusted in a daughter who stuffed herself...so what did I do...I gorged myself with food. And every disgusted glance and remark I got from my mom as I got bigger and bigger....it was a form of punishment. And the torment I gave myself mentally after a binge....it was a worse beating than my dad could ever give. Then when I got overweight the kids at school tormented me, picked on me, did and said things I can't even dare to repeat....and all of that...it was punishment too. So I kept binging, kept getting bigger....with each lb gained, each binge completed, my mom, the kids (and even parents), then doctors, and myself....all punished me with their words, diets, and condescending remarks. Yet...I guess it was never enough punishment for me...it wasn't enough to justify what my brother went through. So I found something else.

At age 14, I found a new punishment in the form of a diet packaged in a nice little box. That birthday I begged and pleaded for this diet. A diet that restricted what I could eat and made me have to eat different than everyone in school and everyone there (who was already picking on me for now being obese) knew it was because I needed to lose weight. On my 14th birthday I got this diet and started my punishment regime by banning all the foods I enjoyed from ever touching my lips again. Every hunger pang, strange stare at my lunch box, nightly workout I fit in no matter how late and how early I had to be at school, party missed due to food being there I couldn't have, "special" meals packed for family occasions to stick to my plan....it was all punishment...it all made me feel like the scum of the earth...like this was something I had to do to myself because I could not be trusted with food. Like I was a crazed animal and this diet was my cage. This diet was only supposed to last 6-weeks...but I guess for me the punishment wasn't enough and I did the cycle twice.

Then it got really confusing because people applauded me for the weight loss....but I didn't want applause...I needed that crappy feeling again. So I briefly went back to binge eating, but it wasn't enough a feeling of punishment for me. Especially because I ended up in a huge high school and people didn't pick on me for being bigger. Until one boy told me he wouldn't date me and I told myself it was because of my weight. This sparked that deep pain of punishment...and I knew exactly what to do. Punish myself more with another diet...one I created myself....enter anorexia. And so it began....the dieting, over-exercising, repeated cuts of calories allowed to eat. Any time the scale went up it was a reminder of how much I sucked....and it was time to cut calories again, exercise more, punish myself. And this fire only got fueled by people applauding me and telling me how good I was....because then in the very brief moments I felt I maybe didn't deserve to be punished I had their applause to lean on. And then the boy liked me....and this was the perfect storm because he turned out to be abusive. He was my first real boyfriend and basically gave me all the punishment I felt I deserved. It may sound sick....but I wanted to lose more weight so he wouldn't leave me and the punishment would continue.

And that happened. Despite being sent to treatment (which I saw as my parents punishing me for my behaviors), I left and relapsed and ended up back in treatment again...this time in a different state. Want to make a girl feel punished? Ship her to another state because she is "too hard of a case to handle in your facility" as the inpatient center said. And I did well in treatment...I think maybe I started to break out of the punishment mentality but only because I told myself I would go back to an abusive boyfriend when I got home. Well....then they found out about that boyfriend and I was "forced" to break-up with him. This led to me starting to act on behaviors in the treatment center and being deemed their "toughest case" and being put on the highest level of care they had with a 24-hour nurse to watch me. Again...ultimate punishment. Then my insurance cut out because I wasn't sick enough anymore (aka underweight) and I was sent home.

And at home I found a passion for running. Problem was it kind of got sick and twisted form of punishment. It got to being about forcing my body to the point of complete exhaustion and pain and running through it. As I joined track and cross-country this was seared into my mind. Just running through the pain. Add in the fact that I had horrid performance anxiety and came in last or next-to-last in every race....ultimate humiliation and ultimate punishment. Honestly I think my performance anxiety was due to the fact I knew I had to fail the race because that is the punishment I thought I deserved.

So this cycle continued and whenever I got praised for things (GPA, scholarships, etc) my ED sparked and dieting or overexercising became my focus in a drive to punish myself. So what about now, you ask. How does it fit now that I am not in a full-blown eating disorder. This is what hit me deep today. You see now what I struggle with is not fully doing my meal plan (either choosing safer/low cal exchanges, measuring things I shouldn't, doing extra activity,  or just holding myself back from certain challenges), compulsively weighing myself, and not being able to gain weight. So here is how this idea I deserve to be punished fits in.

With the not meeting meal plan that's an easy one. I want to meet my meal plan because I want the freedom it will bring, but whether it be burning my bagels so I can't eat a bit of it and thus "skimp" (or forcing myself to eat the burnt piece as punishment), not doing meal timing like I should, setting up low-cal maximums for my exchanges....I find a way by the end of the night to "fail" at my meal plan. This feeds into my desire to punish myself which feeds into the desire to use behaviors. Also, I know when it comes time for my N appt I will have to look at my nutritionist and tell her I failed. Problem is....she doesn't really punish me. Sure she adds exchanges, but all I do is skimp on those...hoping I will screw up enough for her to get mad and punish me. What punishment am I waiting for? Her to give up on me. To throw in the towel and say I am too much to handle. To say I can't do it. But I still haven't gotten that from her.

So this past week, when I did a full outpatient plan no skimping for the first time, I didn't know what to do. It just felt strange and uncomfortable. But my brain clung to the idea of how I still measured my bagels and then when I looked hard enough I saw tiny, tiny ways I was still restricting (even some I did unknowingly) and my mind clung to that as deserving punishment. But my N now knows about that and guess what....she hasn't thrown in the towel. And I am really going to try and fight through...to do a week where everything is right (she even has the ruler for my bagels now), but already it's proving difficult. Came home today and did what I promised wouldn't do. Weighed the bagel I brought...and I messed up my timing...all because I think I need to be punished and the guilt I give myself for not meeting my meal plan....it's pre-punishment. The rest I am waiting on for when my N give up on me.

It's so strange. It's like I tell myself I have to screw-up so that there is something to drive the punishment. I tell myself that is all I am...all I am is a screw-up. It's that 6-year old inside of me continuing to punish herself. Sitting in her room all alone, listening to the cries of her brother, and feeling the guilt and shame of the extra cookie she ate. Clinging to that one rule she broke and telling herself she needed to be punished not her brother. She claimed in that moment she was a screw-up...and now...14 years later....I still claim that over myself and keep screwing up to prove it to myself. Instead of trying to prove myself wrong. To accept that maybe I am not a screw-up.

And weighing myself...how does that fit? Well you see I can have these strings of good days like I did this past week and then I weigh myself and either lose or stay the same weight wise and I cling to the hope in that. Any smart person would take this as a pattern and say....maybe I can stop weighing now. But not me. Not the punishment-driven me. My mind waits for that one day....that one time the scale goes up (due to daily fluctuations) and clings to that as I sign I can't be free and need all the rules I make, foods I should avoid, deviations from meal plan to keep me..the crazed animal...caged. And how smart is it for my brain to tie the idea of punishment to the thing my doctors want me to do: gain weight.

Which brings me to my failure to gain weight. My mind has created such an intense fear of gaining weight that I just can't seem to do it. In fact all these rules I invent for myself that hold me back....all the foods I try to steer clear from...they are all still tied to limiting my calories. If I really wanted to gain weight (which I am told I need to do to recover) then I would throw these rules out because they stand in the way. But you see...I know each time I don't gain weight I have to tell my whole team, I have to tell my family, and I have to tell myself I have failed. Knowing I have disappointed them is the punishment my brain tells me I need. So I continue down this path of not gaining weight. Again...waiting for them to get disappointed enough that they give up on me....the ultimate punishment.

So where do I go from here? I'm not sure. I mean...obviously I could push through and commit to doing my plan completely. Honestly....it's not that hard for me to do. But it comes down to not thinking that is what I deserve. Because then I will walk into my N appt and not have something to confess. Not have something to be punished for...and I don't know what that is like. I just...I don't know what to do. I don't even know how to counter this idea because I honestly do believe I deserve to be punished...I mean I have screwed up and do.

So then I had another realization which is why I struggle with my faith so much. Because here is this God who loves me so much that He forgives me. That He took the punishment for me so I don't have to. And I am stuck feeling that I don't deserve it....because I don't. None of us do. But the beauty of my God is He gives the forgiveness anyway. But somehow I don't accept that for myself. I can't forgive myself for "allowing" my brother to take the punishment all those years. All the guilt...it just builds up and I want to take my brother's pain...so I do....day after day. I fail my meal plan even if I do all of my portions....I make my timing go off. And when my timing is on I tend to burn a bagel...or leave a sip of juice...or just keep choosing safe items when I want other ones...all to fall short and all to punish myself withe even more guilt.

I just don't know how to forgive myself and maybe it's because there really is nothing I have done wrong. That 6-year old started punishing herself when she wasn't the one doing anything wrong in the situation. I didn't ask my dad to hurt my brother...but he did. So I don't know why I punish myself....I just don't get it.

But a lot makes sense now. Even the fact of why I am not scared by all the things people tell me will happen if I don't gain weight. That I will lose school, get sent to a hospital, even die (though I don't accept this last one as even a reality). See...to me these are just punishments that propel me to want to use my behaviors because again I feel that is what I deserve.

And then I realized the reason I have to reach to others to give me "permission" to follow my plan is it is having someone tell me my punishment is enough. They are giving me permission to forgive myself. It's like when you put a kid in time-out, but you don't leave them there...when their time is served you go over and let them out of time-out. You ask for an apology, you give them a hug, and you let them run free. I can't let myself out of time-out....so I have to reach to people to do it.

So how do I motivate myself now? How do I break these chains? I don't know. And to be honest...now that I realize I feel I need to punish myself and really haven't found what I need to forgive myself for...I don't know how to break free. I can do my plan...but my mind is saying I will screw up anyway so why bother. So I guess I will start there....with trying to completely do my plan, trying to prove myself wrong. But maybe the key isn't in committing to something to do...but allowing myself to forgive myself daily. Maybe that's where healing is. For now...I am just gonna keep moving forward, keep praying, and let God show me the way.

Finding Control or Being Controlled

Today I got hit with the reality that ,as free as I feel with eating them and as much as I crave them, I am still terrified of dining hall bagels. As much as I think I have "control" over my fear of bagels....the fear is controlling me. Why? Because of my portion obsession. I am obsessed with not going over in portion sizes. Whether that is measuring things over and over again with measuring cups. Or, back when I had it, measuring every morsel on a food scale....I was/am obsessed. Sure...now I don't have a food scale, but I still have measuring cups. And, the problem is, I have to use them because when I don't...the portions just get worse. Then there is the problem when I don't have them in the dining hall and have to trust the measurements my N tells me the bowls are.

Now cups and bowls help with some things...but not bagels. These bagels I used to obsessively weigh and tear so they only weighed the "appropriate" amount (most times less). Well...when I told my N about this and just how much I used food scale....and when I showed I couldn't have food scale and only use it appropriately (for meats or things that can't be measured otherwise NOT for pre-packaged items, breads, things measured in cups)....I had to give it up. So then....I stopped eating the bagels. Well...my N quickly caught onto that and added them back to my plan. So then....I started to tear them and not eat parts "just in case" they were too big. When N got a hold of that information she had me agree to not tear them. So then I got a ruler and started only eating the ones that fit dimensions I find acceptable....making a stockpile in my room of "safe" size bagels...and that's where I am at now.

And until today I was living in an illusion that I was not afraid of the bagels. In fact, I crave them (something I feel guilty about). But how normal is it to have to measure bagels with a ruler (you can't even find a pic on google of this)? How normal and non-fearful is it to "rule out" bagels based on size? How normal is it to hold up the line at the bagel station as you sort through the bagels trying to find smallest one? It's not normal at all...and definitely are all behaviors led by fear. But I was oblivious to that till today.

You see...today I packed some of my safe bagels and went off to class. What I failed to realize, until it came time to do my bagel, was that my bagel had spoiled and was covered in the white dots of bacteria. This is how crazy my fear of portions were...for a not-so-brief moment...I actually debated eating this. I actually wondered just how sick it could make me. Eating a SPOILED BAGEL seemed a better option then having to go get an unmeasured one from the dining hall. Oh...and even more ED behavior....this bagel I had smuggled out of dining hall I now smuggled back in to dining hall where this dilemma was occuring as I sat between classes. That's right....I brought a bagel back to the place I had taken it from, just because I was afraid of not being able to measure a bagel. This would be like going to a bagel shop, buying a bagel and checking it's size at home, just so you could go back to the bagel shop and eat it. If that's not fear and ED...I don't know what is.

Luckily for me and my stomach....I decided it was best to not eat the spoiled bagel and e-mailed my N in a frenzy about what to do. Here's the thing about when I write in a frenzy though....I forget to filter. So in this frenzy I confessed just how obsessed I was with measuring and my use of the ruler.....completely oblivious to the fact that I was confessing something she didn't know the extent of. Well...then her response came and I was instructed to go and get the biggest bagel and that I needed to bring my ruler to her office and give it to her. WHAT?!

Okay...I kind of expected her to tell me to go get the bagel....but the ruler...why did she have to take the ruler? But I didn't have time to worry about that yet as I had to go face up to bagel selection. Well...I was doing my usually sorting through the bagels when on of the employees asked me if something was wrong. I'd never had anyone comment on my bagel selection process....but in that moment I snapped out of my ED-trance and realized how disordered this was. I couldn't look at this woman and tell her "No...nothing's wrong...I'm just looking for the smallest one so I can eat it and not have too many calories." So I made up the excuse that I was making sure they didn't have the poppyseeds from the everything bagels because I can't have poppyseeds. As I quickly selected a bagel and went to sit back down and hide in shame...it hit me.....all these things I did to feel "control" they are controlling me.

Here I've been sizing bagels and measuring them and tearing them and all these things to gain some sense of control. To get some reassurance it was okay to eat them....but all it's done is trap me. I have not gained control a single time I used these behaviors....but instead have slipped further and further into a prison. A prison ruled by a RULEr and by ED. So getting this bagel today....as big as it was...and as long as it took for me to finish it...and as much guilt as I am still feeling...it's getting me one step closer to getting out of this prison. But this is something I have been struggling with for over a year now and it's gonna take more than one bagel. Which brings me to my task for tommorrow....turning in my ruler to my N.

This scares me more than eating the bagel today because it means I lose any way of measuring my bagels. It means that when I have the overwhelming urge to measure....I have no way of doing it. It means I have no way of measuring any bagels ever again. I lose the option completely....and that scares me. Because as much as I say I want to be able to not measure a bagel....or at least I think I do....I also want the comfort of knowing I can. It's like I want to learn how to ride a bike....so I want my training wheels taken off....but I want access to them so I wan put them back on the bike if I feel too unsteady. But turning over this ruler....it's another way of turning over control. It's turning over my "training wheels" that have kept me with comfortable anxiety having the bagels.

And I can't done like I have in the past and not have a bagel either because they are mandatory daily. So this means every single day I will HAVE TO face the bagel without my ruler by my side to bring me comfort. I know this probably sounds nuts.....I rely on a little wooden stick to bring me comfort and peace. Instead I guess I should rely on God. Rely on trusting my meal plan and N. I should cling onto my dream of a "normal life" instead of clinging onto the bagel. Instead of fighting against the freedom not measuring the bagel will bring I should fight for it. But right now, tonight....I am freaking out. I can't believe I ate the huge bagel and I can't believe tomorrow my ruler will be gone. Literally...I can't accept the ruler fact. When I think about it...it's just like brain shuts down. It refuses to accept it....so I'm not sure what is going to happen when the ruler goes from my hand to my N tomorrow. I honestly think I might cry....over a damn ruler. And that, my friends, that's what an ED will do to you.

You see ED will tell you if you follow him you will feel more control. In the brief moments using symptoms bring you a very brief sense of peace he will tell you this peace is impossible without your behaviors. Then something else will get scary and another symptom will be invented to ease that fear (again briefly). And this cycle will continue and continue until you get to the point that you can't fathom a life not measuring bagels with a ruler. Till you can't eat something unless portions are guaranteed. All of these way to "find control" will find you being controlled. You won't be able to function without the symptoms and will have to fight each and every one to regain control of your life.

So, my friends...for me that means giving up my ruler tomorrow and not clinging onto any other behavior to replace it. I am going to have to feel the fear and reach inside for comfort. I am going to have to reach to my motivations for a normal life, to the strength from my God, and from my growing trust in my team. I will probably have to reach out to friends for support as well. But what I won't reach to is my ruler...I won't reach to ED....I won't reach to anything to control the emotions. Because anything I reach in order to feel in control....it just ends up controlling me.

What do you do to feel in control? Now take a second and think about that thing not being their tomorrow.....and ask yourself: is this bringing me control or just controlling me?

It may be scary to feel you are dangling and there is nothing to hold onto. But remember you at least have me here cheering you on....creating a support net underneath you. I won't let you fall. Neither will your friends, your family, your team, or God. Just hold on...feel the fear...and in the end...I think we will all realize just how strong we are :)

Weighing in on Motivation: Double Whammy post :)

So this weekend has been rough. I was flying high on Friday still feeling so proud after the cupcake. Honestly the result of my Friday weigh-in helped with that feeling because my numbers...well they definitely did not go up....in fact that went the other direction. It made me somewhat happy that this happen but also thoroughly confused. I tried to pinpoint what made my weight do that. I mean this is the FIRST TIME ever I have been outpatient and not restricting my portions....I just couldn't figure out what had caused the loss. I just couldn't accept that maybe, just maybe, my body needs more. That maybe, just maybe...it's okay to eat a cupcake. I couldn't open myself up to thinking that maybe what ED has been telling me all this years, the things about foods I have believed...they are all lies.

Anyway...the day continued on and somehow my motivation all the sudden disappeared. Well...actually I think I know how. I committed to not weigh myself on Saturday. After that everything seemed to just not matter. If I pushed myself how would I know it was okay? Without a weigh-in to tell me what I had done on Friday was good/bad why did it even matter? I realized in that moment how sick my relationship with my scale was. I honestly let this lack of motivation get the better of me and ended up delaying meals and snacks way too late. This was made worse by some unexpected things happening while I was on duty for my job that basically made it so I had to cram a bunch of my snacks in at 2 am. It was not enjoyable at all.

Then Saturday came. Usually I jump out of my bed on Saturdays ready and pumped to get to do yoga...this day....nope. I literally had no motivation for anything. I didn't know how my day was going to go on without the scale there to comfort me. How would I know how to feel? How would I know if I was bigger or smaller? How would my day go on? Again...I realized just how sick and twisted my relationship with the scale was. It has become my only reassurance that recovery is safe and possible. It is my quick go-to motivation to challenge myself. It's like..yes you can eat this or that today Jess because tomorrow you can weigh and see whether or not it's okay. Then when I weigh-in it's a reminder that recovery is okay. That my body can be trusted. It's becoming this weird way to give myself permission to eat. So Saturday...without it...I was lost.

It really did make for a rough day and I had to rely on others a lot more than I wanted. But i actually ended up realizing I had played it way too safe that day. That ED had made way too many decisions and that I missed the anxious/nervous/excited feeling that challenges bring me. So I did end up challenging myself that night. And then came today.......and today....well....it's been strange.

You see I woke up and immediately jumped on the scale expecting it to be up a ton. And then I got hit with some scary news. It wasn't up. It was down yet again...and now down to a number I promised myself, swore to myself, I would never get to. And all the sudden I got scared. All the sudden I felt the desperate need to discover what I was doing "wrong." How I was losing weight. I replayed the past few days over in my mind, searching for answers. But I haven't restricted portions. I haven't cut corners. I've done my plan. I haven't overexercised. This has NEVER been my experience outpatient. I am always using some sneaky way to restrict or burn off what I eat. And then...when I lose...I blame it on that.


But now...now the only answer is that maybe I need more food. And for some reason my brain just can't accept that. So it wrote it off as water weight and I continued on my day.....but the number still haunted me. And then I snapped. Right after church I got frenzied. I realized all the fears I had to face today and that I had altered one of my snacks in an attempt to make it "safer" but with this weigh-in....it just didn't feel right to cut corners anymore. I realized how sick I was physically and wanted to do the right thing with my snack and challenge myself. But I couldn't give myself permission. I had to sent way too many text to one of my strongest supports, Sarah, and eventually just had to give her all control and ask her to tell me what to do. I feel like such a baby doing this...but honestly...I am in infancy with recovery and sometimes all these decisions get to be too much. Then I had to commit to what she told me to do. Easy I thought....I mean I had this fear of my new low weight...this was sure to get and keep me motivated...WRONG!

You see this weekend has shown me motivation doesn't last. I mean it makes sense why it doesn't. If we had a spark of motivation and all the sudden jumped on the recovery bus...ED would easily disappear. It would just take one scary medical visit, one scary weigh-in, one "aha" moment, one dream to cling on to and ED wouldn't matter. But our EDs they are like pestering kids and if you don't give them attention they are gonna try their best to distract you and get it back. Easiest way to do this....steal motivation. So my motivation based on fear of my weight...it disappeared as soon as I was faced with lunch.

It was in this moment as I reached to text my friend and get consoled into eating that I realized maybe I am capable or regenerating some kind of motivation. Of consoling myself. So I tried something new. Instead of forcing myself to jump into the meal and just get it over with (something that usually leads to ED behaviors being used and then me having to undo those behaviors so I get full portions, or causes me to send 10 trillion text in a desperate attempt to get forced to do it, or causes me to send the 5 millionth e-mail to my N to get motivated).....I stopped. I gave myself time to gather MY mind....not ED's thoughts...just MY mind. I took a step back. And here is what I did.

I said...Jess...right now you want to tear and leave behind parts of your lunch. Let's think about it....if you do that it will make this meal so much easier to get through, but tomorrow...it will make lunch so much harder. Also....you will cling onto this one restriction as a judgement basis if/when you weigh tomorrow. Also, the guilt of restricting here will creep into your other meals and you will restrict again.

Now let's go to the other option you know you have...finishing this meal. Okay...your anxiety will go through the roof yes. This meal may be less enjoyable (but frankly....at this point you don't tend to enjoy meals all that much anyway). But if you finish this meal...it paves the way to continue finishing meals. And that means one day not even having the thought of leaving something behind just to "be safe." Finishing this meal even though you don't know exactly the weight of everything here and are having to trust pre-portioned things means when you are home....you won't have to use a food scale. It means your family can see you make normal meals without weighing everything. It means you can actually enjoy meal time with family and even friends because the focus won't be on the food and portions, but on the company. Finishing this meal means staying out of treatment because let's be honest....if your weight is going down now...and if you are at such a scary low weight....restricting isn't the "healthy" or "safe" or "outpatient-worthy" option. And frankly Jess....you should finish this meal because you know it is the right thing to do. You were about to text the people who you know will tell you its okay (trust me there are people in my phone who would let me restrict)....because you don't trust yourself enough to tell yourself it is.

Now all of this happened in a span of like two minutes (my brain runs quite fast.....at least this time with positive thoughts). But those two minutes....they made the next 30 minute meal one I conquered on my own. Did my anxiety still shoot through the roof? Yes. But I didn't restrict. I didn't give myself the option. You see I realized surrounding restricting was just momentary relief with long-lasting consequences. Plus, even being in the mindset of restricting being an option made my mind close off to my future. But when I opened up to the possibility of finishing the meal....I began to think about my future. About hope...about things other than weight. And it made eating seem (because it is) okay.

Did this last? No. And at dinner (my big challenge meal for day) anxiety was through the roof and I immediately text my support. She kept texting me to help me through but I just wasn't taking the help. I was so torn because I wanted to do the right thing but nobody had sparked my motivation....no one had said the right thing to make it okay....so I just kept walking away and back towards the corner of my dorm room I deem my "kitchen" (it's literally just a counter). And then I remembered lunch and I did the same thing. It didn't even take as long. It was short and sweet. I could restrict this bean burrito (a family favorite that happens every time I go home but I always have restricted the portion or used food scale both of which I am not allowing myself the option of anymore). Yep...that would make the meal easier...but it still wouldn't make it easy because I would be scared I didn't restrict enough. Or...I could get full portions and then next time at home when I do this...I could get full portions then too. I could make my burrito like the rest of my family. I could enjoy the experience of being with them. So I snapped back into motivation and pushed through that meal picturing sitting there with my family one day doing it too.


So this weekend has taught me two things:

1) My relationship with the scale is completely unhealthy. I mean....it's not as horrid as it has been in the past but it wasn't as "normal" as I thought. I still judge myself, my recovery, and my day based off a fluctuating number. And even then....if it's up I blame food and if it's down....I blame water weight and fluctuations instead of accepting that being down for four days in a row may mean I need more food. Either way...I won't change plan till Wed at my N appt so why even weigh?

2) You can find motivation and reason in recovery even when it is not present. I mean honestly...if I know something is the "right" thing to do or just know that my N or team would want me to do it...there has to be a reason. With how anxiety prone I am....my team wouldn't push me to do anything unless it was needed for my recovery. And I know the reasons I need to do the things I do. I need to do sweet treats so I can enjoy desserts with friends. Finish portions so I can learn what it's like to eat normally and can eat normally with people. I need to listen to my cravings because that's normal. I need to be willing to change my food plans when something isn't available because that's a part of life. I need to not obsessively measure because it keeps me from eating with people and eating out at restaurants. See...I know these reasons...and in the moment when they all fade away...I need to push past ED and see them. Sure it takes a little time...but a few minutes here is worth a whole day of headache and depression listening to ED. This joy I feel now because I haven't listened to ED today....it's been worth all the time spent bring out my motivation. My motivation has been bullied to hiding and I just need to let it know it's okay to come out...that it is welcomed in my life and that ED is who is being picked on now.


It's nothing mind-blowing. This isn't some philosophical post....it's just the reality of my recovery today and a tool I am using to make it happen. I know my full-blown motivation will come back if I stick on the course of recovery. I know when it comes back I can go back to dining with Daddy before the ED thoughts come. But on days like today....when my motivation is as far away as summer break seems right now...on those days I need to just pause. I need to take a moment and remember my motivation. I have to actually work for my recovery. And maybe it's days like today that show I really am motivated...that I really do want this. It's days like today when my motivation is nowhere to be found and I actually have to fight tooth and nail to just get through a meal.....it's these days that show I want to and am committed to recover. That I can fight and I can do this outpatient. That the strength lies within me.That same voice that got me to do a cupcake....that voice can get me through days like today. That voice is that part of me longing for recovery...probably the Holy Spirit if I think about it. It's that part fighting for me, my health, and my future. Sometimes I just need to pause long enough to listen.

Freedom Friday #8

Welcome to another rendition of FREEDOM FRIDAY (brought to you yet again on a day other than Friday :p Anyway...this one is a mega event, because I had to postpone last week...so this is two weeks of freedom slammed into one. Honestly...there wasn't that many freedom foods this past week because I have had so much freedom with finally giving in and doing my whole plan. Honestly I have begun to feel a hope and freedom I can't explain. Today I wasn't so fortunate with those feelings, but I know if I fight through on the days I feel like giving in....those days will get less and less and the freedom days will come more and more.

 Well to start of this mega Freedom Friday (idk how many have actually been on Friday)...let's jump straight to what I eluded to in my last freedom post.....doing a muffin :) I got a HUGE craving for a blueberry muffin....namely a Weight Watchers blueberry muffin. I know, I know...people think...totally ED, but you have to understand. I LOVE THESE THINGS. In fact, back when I was 8 and my mom had me on WW, I was only allowed these once a week....and only if I had "earned" them (aka exercised). I haven't had them in years, but have always wanted to have one again...so I finally got the courage. Well....WW decided to downsize and (frankly) downgrade their muffins....so I felt freedom...but wish it would have come sooner..before they changed their recipe. Just another sorrow of putting things off till tomorrow...

 Now...you all also heard me gripe about sack lunches and I got to experience them for the first time. And because the dining hall loves me sooooo much...they decided (and have for the past two weeks) to give me my biggest vegetable fear of carrots, a double portion of my fear of deli meat...and then put it on the onion roll I have been avoiding since I was 14. So this my freinds...this was freedom. And you know what...freedom didn't taste so bad after all. And now...4 sack lunches later...I not only conquer the sandwich and carrots...but face cookies too (will put them in next post).

 Later on that week (actually on the same day as a nutrition appt) I planned on facing Chicken Fajitas. Well...I didn't plan on getting to the dining hall 10 minutes before they closed and having them run out of Chicken Fajitas. They also happened to run out of "safe" options for me....leaving me face to face with one of my biggest fears...Chick'n nuggets. These aren't real chicken, but are vegetarian....my parents have bought them for me multiple times and had to throw them out because I never ate them. And here...in the dining hall...they were my only option. And I conquered them :) Apparently I am supposed to do 4 to 6 (only did 3) but hey...it's a start. Oh...and sorry for the bite I took out of them.....fear made me almost forget to snap a picture lol. Overall I can't tell you how they tasted either....it's another thing fear does to me. So guess this means I will have to eat them again. Wait...rephrase....I have the chance to eat them again :)

Speaking of parents buying things...my next Freedom Food I got at x-mas and it has been in my freezer ever since.....Reese's Xmas trees. I don't know the last time I had a Reese's....think my N made me do one last year at some point...but I ended up using behaviors later. But this time....that was not gonna happen. Actually...this was a spur of the moment decision to do as well, and boy...was it a good one. I ate Reese's the only way they can be eaten...outsides first...then lick off chocolate on top..then enjoy PB with a layer of chocolate. Yes...I'm still scared of them...but guess what....this came in a 3-pack so there's two more left ;)

And face yet again last week....TURKEY BURGER. The school's grill was cross-contaminated with red meat and cheese....the first of which I don't eat ethically...the later my tummy can't handle....so they had to cook this in the microwave. It was in this moment I saw how dumb ED is. Every time I get this burger I freak out because it looks greasy and get convinced it's smothered in oil. However due to some tummy issues...I would know if this was the case and it never is. Well...this time it really couldn't be because it was microwaved...and guess what..it looked the same "greasy" level as before. Wanna know why? Because like everyone and my N have tried to tell me....it's moisture from the burger itself not grease. I mean really....who wants to bite into a dry burger...NO ONE! So I enjoyed it...still struggled...but there were 5 minutes of tasting and enjoying.

Now this beauty came from a commitment I made to do real Triumph Treats....in fact I am on day 9 of doing that...except now my snack is called a Sweet Suprise.So when the chance came to do Devil's Food Cake...I did it. This is a step towards facing "real cake" like....cake slice from the bakery cake. But this is a step in the right direction and I am proud of myself for it. Honestly...I feel I could easily do this one again....that's right...easily :)

And I am also working on the Spring Semester Goals I set and one of those is trying new dining hall foods. So I decided to face a dish called Mushroom Pilaf at my school. Honestly...there were no mushrooms and it was more just white rice with vegetables. But white rice (or rice of any kind) is a big fear food of mine...and I am continuing to work on incorporating it. Probably won't be with this rice though...because the taste wasn't all that good. But I am now on a 3-try rule...I can't rule something out until I eat it three times....so I will continue to be open to it.

Now on the fateful cupcake day you all heard about I actually ended up facing a freedom food that morning as well. Remember when Peanut Butter and Co sent me all those peanut butters? Well I tried one flavor (Cinnamon Raisin) and have been eating it every morning...one because it is FREAKING DELICIOUS, but also because it is the safest. But I decided I needed to branch out...and so I moved on to Dark Chocolate Dreams. I never let myself have chocolate (even chocolate flavored) especially not at b-fast. But hey...this is a new journey of recovery and a new me, so I broke that rule. This flavor wasn't as good as Cinnamon Raisin to me in the morning (chocolate in the morning just isn't my thing), but want to try it with banana...or maybe some kind of dessert (graham crackers maybe). So for now...I am sticking with my Cinnamon Raisin...but you know what...now I have the option of this flavor too...if I had a craving. Before I tried it...I had too much fear to even have an option. Next one to face: Spice it Up!

And last...but certain not least. Let's get one more look at the lovely Lemon Cupcake! Had to do a double-take...did I really eat a cupcake this week? Did I really, spur of the moment, unplanned eat a cupcake? Did I really eat a cupcake and not restrict at any of my other meals and snacks? Yep, I did....cause this girl....she's hungry for freedom :)


Did you face any freedom foods this week?
Want to suggest any from my list for me to try and tackle?

Bite of Cupcakey Freedom

I can't believe it! I did it! It took support and prayer.....but I ate a whole freaking cupcake. Well...sort of a whole one. Figured this was so big it needed it's own post.....pre-Freedom Friday :) 

So first off I got a dinky cupcake earlier but I wanted one more cupcakey so I went on search at other dining halls after my exam :) Here is what greeted me. I was scared to do this cupcake because more icing it seemed and looked bigger and it was at dining hall other than one I told N was getting from. Thus I didn't think her reassurance applied....well ED didn't...but this was the one I wanted. How do I know? I asked someone which I should eat....the said the red one I had before and instantly I was mad they said it. So I went for what my body wanted :) 

Well it came time to take the first bite and I discovered another amazing part of outpatient treatment. YOU CAN EAT THINGS HOW YOU WANT! So I got out my little spoon and cut off the top (I always have liked to eat top separate :) This was my treat and I was doing it how I liked. It also was quite suprising. I "cheated" my old way of eating cupcakes and ate a bit of icing first (always saved for last). And I got suprised with a lemon flavor. Here I was thinking I got vanilla and I got lemon....which is MY FAVORITE! I know God had a plan in this :) But then things went awry. I took a bite of bottom part and it was dry...so I figured I would just heat it up....

BAD IDEA! Apparently 20 seconds is too long not just for cupcakes....but for plastic tops too. Cupcake got burnt and plastic top got melted.....and ED....he went so happy. He said...see you can't finish this cupcake now. If you don't balloon it will be because of this....well that wasn't gonna fly...

So I opened up the container that had the "rejected" dinky cupcake and I took a bite :) Take that ED....ED was screaming and honestly I was standing in shock. Did I seriously just eat an unknown number of cals to replace an unknown number of cals in something else. Something I burnt? Why yes....yes I did. If I am getting victory I'm not holding back. Part of me is scared I took too big of a bite...but I figure it will just make it easier next time I do a cupcake and don't burn it.












And there will be a next time....because this cupcake is all gone :(

Sorrow in Tommorows

So I am most likely going to have two blog post today, but I wanted to get the positive one out first, lol. Today started as any regular day would for me. I woke up and prepared to cram in some last minute studying before rushing off the class before an exam. As I went to glance at my phone and check the time I realized I had an e-mail from my professor. Guess whose classes got cancelled. That left all day to do studying.

Now normally I would throw myself into studies in the panicked frenzy my long-time enemy of test anxiety brings. But lately....that panic has turned to peace. I honestly feel ready for this exam. Or as ready as I can be (perhaps I will be kicking myself later for saying that). So instead...I took the extra time to do some yoga. This also scared me because my N has now taken my three days of yoga down to two. I cling to those precious two days with all I can. And now I chose to use one today instead of doing it Saturday and Sunday.  But honestly it was the best practice I've had this year.

Then it was time for breakfast and I thought....what the heck. You are on a new plan, why not add in some fun and do an unplanned freedom food. So I opened another jar of the peanut butter PB&Co sent me a while back. I finally faced the Dark Chocolate Dream flavor...but you will hear more about that tomorrow. I continued on my day doing some studying and such.....but in the back of my mind was this dang part of my new meal plan I can't wrap my mind around.

I call this mind-altering part of my plan my Sweet Surprise. It's kind of like my Triumph Treat (it has to be something sweet) but there are no caloric guidelines. No max, no min....just what my body truly wants. This freaks me out. I don't know if I am doing enough or too little...the only way I know I am getting my "exchange" is if I am truly eating what my body desired. So as I continued to study trying to get my food planned out for the day in my head as well I contemplated just doing Animal Crackers for the Sweet Surprise. My body has been wanting them and I've been avoiding them, but it's also not quite what my body wanted.

Looked at school menu during a study break and saw that Corn Chex Krispy was on the menu. Something I have avoided and body wanted...but I just couldn't bear thinking of eating that when I did another fear food that involved my most feared nutrient...dietary fat. But I kind of accepted the fact that was what I needed to do. Fast forward all of 30 minutes as I coped and came to terms with my decision and I get a message from my friend that they have cupcakes in the dining hall today to celebrated my schools birthday.

Let me explain to you the significance of this treat in my life. The last time I had a cupcake was on my 14th birthday on my last day before I began the diet that changed my life. After that day, I banned cupcakes from my life forever. This has made for very awkward birthday parties (really....does everyone have to eat cupcakes at parties...geez), family get-togethers (my family's favorite dessert...you guessed it...cupcakes), and just life in general. Around the age of 15 (they guess) I developed gall stones and had problems eating any desserts without horrid reactions in my stomach....I also plunged deep into anorexia then...so the fear of getting sick was coupled with anorexia fears. Fast forward 3 years to the gallbladder removal surgery that went terribly wrong and started my next big relapse and I was in for even more fear of any dessert. I was told by doctor's due to complications my stomach may not be able to handle desserts and anything higher fat dense. Well my anorexia took off like a rocket with this concept and eliminated any idea of every trying a dessert and banned all fats from my diet.

Actual pic of Mindful Eating at Renfrew Florida

Ready...fast forward again just a few months and I was in treatment sitting in front of my biggest fear....a cupcake. Part of my least favorite group which most people only had the torture pleasure of enjoying twice (my team realized it was a HUGE problem for me so kept me on it as soon as I was Level 2 all the way till I discharged.....so I got to do it 5 times)....Mindful Eating. Sounds peaceful right....WRONG! This was right after lunch and you basically sat at a table with your fellow residential patients and faced an additional treat chosen by the dietitians (chips and soda, doughnut, ice cream cake, pop tarts, candy bar...and you guessed it...cupcakes). This day was extra special too because I had gotten an early morning Boost added for weight loss and my dietitian at lunch came to me and said she was adding a snack to my meal plan that day and then I get this cupcake.....you can imagine my lack of joy in the moment. But you had to do it...there was no option. So I sat at the table with all the other people and ate the cupcake. I asked for a spoon (in my family cupcakes, muffins, etc are always eating with a spoon) and was scolded for my food ritual mentioning. The cupcake was the kind from Publix and I can still remember the overwhelming amount of sugar in my mouth. I was instantly hit with nausea and the intense desire to exercise mixed with the instant calculator in my head adding up all the extra calories for the day and trying to calculate the weight gain that would ensue. But I got through...with tears, messy hands, shaking legs, and a racing mind...I got through. Fast forward a few more hours. After the snack that was added....and my stomach revolted. Excruciating pain, horrid nausea, and some unexpected actions by my stomach had me instantly blaming and banning cupcakes from my life forever (somehow I ignored the fact that Boost increases always upset my stomach due to my reaction to soy and milk, that I had tons of anxiety, and that I had tried a tad bit of cheese which still upsets my stomach to this day).

Fast forward a year and a half to today. I get this message that the dining hall has cupcakes for my univerity's birthday. Instantly I know my N will know this because she works for the dining hall. In that instant I know that the question or e-mail would come up of why I did animal crackers or a krispy instead of a cupcake. And instantly my body told me it wanted the cupcake. I knew choosing anything else wouldn't be utilizing the sweet surprise to its fullest, but my mind told me cupcakes are too scary, it would upset stomach, it was too high calorie for my non-calorie specified treat (yeah cause that makes sense), etc, etc. And it tried its favorite method of getting me out of something: we will do it another day.

It was then that I realized I have been living in what I like to call the sorrow of tomorrows. When fear foods come up, I tell myself I will face them on another day when its easier. But when that next opportunity comes up....I don't take it....I just say the same thing...I will do it next time it comes up. Well I did that a lot over the past years on the meal plan and there have been a lot of missed opportunities as I waited for tomorrows to come. For a tomorrow to come that I would feel strong enough, feel ready to face the fear. But those tomorrows never come. With ED....tomorrow just means never. He keeps adding up tomorrows until eventually he takes your life and there are no more tomorrows. But there is today. There is this moment. For me, today there are cupcakes. I don't know if there will be tomorrow....sure I could bring one back in my room and save it for "tomorrow," but I know tomorrow I won't be ready either.


Here's the reality. I will never be ready to face a cupcake. I will never fear right about doing it. It will never seem okay, justified, or reasonable. Not until I do it. Not until I take this leap of faith, trust my body and my N (who I did e-mail about this dilemma and who has now told me I need to do the cupcake), trust in the strength of my God and eat the cupcake. I will never know if my fear is warranted, I will never know if freedom from my fear of cupcakes is possible, I will never even have the possibility of breaking out of the cage of my fear of cupcakes (or any food for that matter) until I take the first bite. And why wait for tomorrow? What makes tomorrow better than today? What makes it better than right now, this instant? If I do it today, I don't have to wait for tomorrow to experience the possibility of freedom. I don't have to stress about my decision and worry about changing it. I don't have to do anything except trust and open myself up to the possibility of freedom.

So today...as I brave whatever cupcake I am about to go get at the dining hall....I will break free of the sorrow of tomorrows and instead live in the victory of today. I will take today as my day to see if my stomach can handle cupcakes. I will take today to open up to the possibility that maybe I don't have to ban them. I will take today as a possible start to birthdays and family get-togethers I can enjoy. So today...with this cupcake...I break free from the prison of tomorrows and stand in the freedom of today.

Hungry for Freedom?

Sorry for disappearing on you all there. I totally meant to blog over these past few days but have been under immense load of work, school, appts, and just needing time to breathe. But I am back and wanted to give an update....but let me just say...I am not the same person I was on Friday..or even Saturday. I feel new, I feel ready to recover....I feel finally..like I can do this. 

So let's start with Sunday. It was my last day of the "experiment" of giving in to my meal plan. Well...Sunday was rough. Basically...it hit me how much I had been restricting and it also hit my GI system quite bad as well. I had some not so pleasant, completely involuntary stomach things happen and was in excruciating pain. Still though....I pushed through and did the whole plan. You know what this taught me? How strong I am when I give my strength over to God and when I rely on His strength and the strength of others around me. 

And then it came time.....time to "face the music" as I felt it was. I should have known that with that mentality weighing myself on Monday was totally ED geared...but I did it. And my weight was up more than I was comfortable with and I jumped right back into ED. I tried to take back control of my meal plan by lowering to what I deemed "acceptable." Why do I say tried? Because I in no way gained any more control. Despite getting N approval for decrease (which I found out at our appt today was just because she knew I would do what I wanted to either way and was done fighting with me)...I didn't feel okay. I knew in my heart it was wrong and too much of a decrease. But I did it. And guess what...I was hungry all day and though more about food than I had all weekend. I didn't feed my hunger but avoided it with my old anorexic methods. I am not proud of it at all. 

Come Tuesday I was using my new plan to confine me. Besides having an overwhelming hunger and craving that had persisted since Monday (and even woken me in the night) to eat a dining hall bagel, I avoided it. My mind was enthralled back in the dieting mentality that I needed less and had to get rid of the weight I had lost. I am not in any way proud of this. But also....Tuesday brought a lot of breakthrough. Because I realized I was miserable and so ultra-focused on food I couldn't concentrate. Why was this? Because I was trying to control my food again. I realied right then, that I could easily escape this mental obsession...by trusting my nutritionist. By letting her do her job. I am not a dietitian, I have 14 years of experience not knowing what the hell to do with food, and have an absolute terror of weight gain.....I am the epitomy of someone who should not be in charge of food and nutrition decisions. Yet that is what I try and control. All weekend, despite being in pain and eating more....I didn't think about food. My N had made this plan and I was going to stick to it. I gave her control, trusted her with my food...and concentrated instead on living life. Friends pointed out to me I was talking more about dreams and my future and not food and calories. But this came when I gave over the control (the opposite of what ED says). 

Then there was the other realization I had that I was letting meal plan restrict me. You see I was desperately hungry and obsessing about eating dining hall bagel (something I removed from plan) all day....but I didn't want to "cave in." That's how I was looking at nourishing my body...as "caving in." Why? Because I had made this plan and decided body didn't deserve any more. Because in treatment..you can't eat more than your meal plan....you can't eat less but can't eat more either....it is law. So I have almost been institutionalized in my eating and any meal plan I have (either made by me or dietitian) I treat as law. Luckily...I have a major genetics exam and by the end of the night couldn't take the obsession and I did enjoy a dining hall bagel. I dealt with the yelling in my head of my failure (even though really was triumph) and accepting fear of weight gain (which the opposite actually happened so just another lie) and just ate it. And guess what...the obsession went away. And I felt much better. I need to learn that my body...it knows what it needs. My plan is a minimum but if my body needs more...that's okay and I need to honor it. I don't know what's going on in my body...maybe it's fighting off an infection, or needs more because brain being used to study....idk. But it let's me know by sending me signals and I need to respond. 

So when I woke up today knowing I had N session I was excited. I was ready to go in and just be open to what she wanted. I even sent her an apology letter Tuesday for basically wasting her time. For doing her job and telling her what to do instead of it being the other way around. And our session was the most amazing one yet. I told her how much pain I was in this weekend but also admitted I knew my decrease was wrong and too low. When she weighed me and I had lost....I was expecting it. So obviously my plan wasn't working...but she agreed old one was possibly too high for my GI system to handle right now. She said she had to do that...to prescribe that plan...because she had come to distrust me and in giving me that plan she crossed her fingers and hoped I would at least do 60% of it. And each time we had to increase because I would fail to meet even that much. She was shooting for the moon hoping I would land among the stars. 

But with my new mentality and new desire to trust....we decided it was time for a new plan. Not a plan based off the old one. Not a plan (like the old one was) based off of my treatment plans. But a plan based off me in that moment. Based off where my body is now. Based off getting my nutrient requirements without so much tummy pain (basically this weekend my body went through a kind of food rejection syndrome and now its recouping). And it felt nice to actually see my N do what she loves. What she has passion for. She got to write a plan...not based off other plans...but based of her knowledge of my needs. I don't know...it just felt like MY plan, from MY team, and with the love and support of MY N. It just felt better. And there was no way to compare, judge, tabulate.....it was just fresh. Fresh and new. 

It's the first time I left an N appt and felt like maybe this was possible. I wasn't thinking about where I would hold back portions (which I haven't done since Friday despite weight gain) or what I wouldn't do. I took the plan and just wanted to learn it so I could meet it completely. I just feel this is a fresh start for a new me. This is the start of a new relationship between me and my N....one full of honesty and truth...not restriction and secrets. I finally feel that OUTPATIENT RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE. Oh...and another part of my plan I love....my bagel is a part of it :)