This Independence Day...

I just got back from Denver (don’t worry I will do a post all about the amazingness it was but its time for honesty).I was only there for three days, but I relapsed hard. The reason I call this a relapse and not just a slip, because even just in three days of restricting, ED has reclaimed a lot of ground in my mind. I had a weigh-in today and was sure the number would bring me the comfort to go back to plan. Even though it was lower than I thought it would be…it didn’t bring comfort. I thought it would be so easy to go back to plan after this “vacation” from recovery….but it’s not. I sit here right now crying because I am about to eat my full b-fast, which before I left was my favorite and easiest meal.

See here is the reality. I am miserable every time I choose to do one of these relapses and I realized I have kind of been doing recovery waiting for the next relapse instead of accepting and agreeing to recover. I jumped on new plan, knowing this trip would come and planning to not do plan. Even now, going back to plan my mind drifts to the fact I will be back at school soon and probably lapse then. But I am tired of it. I am tired of living relapse to relapse and misery to misery, I want to choose to leave victory to victory, to love glory to glory with God.

So in some desperate prayer time with God this morning when I realized just how far I had slipped and that the only comfort I would find in getting back on my plan (and only way it will be possible) is dependence and trust in Him…he revealed the date to me…4^th of July. Today is Independence Day. It’s Independence Day and today…once and for all…I am declaring my independence from ED and dependence on God. My body, my mind, my spirit…they can’t take these relapses anymore. They just can’t.

I am choosing to not wallow in this relapse, but to learn from it. To look at it not as steps backwards, but as an opportunity for a new start with new knowledge. I know see that I can’t give ED any ground. Even seemingly small slips can lead to huge falls and huge falls lead to where I am now. Please, if you read this and are in recovery listen to this truth…learn from my mistakes. One skipped snack is a big deal. One purge is a big deal. One exercise session you know you shouldn’t do. Any tiny use of your behaviors is a big deal….because one leads to two…leads to hours..leads to days…leads to your mind being in such a horrid place again. It may seem like the solution in the moment to use behaviors…but it just makes the fight that much harder later on. So fight it in the moment…even if you feel weak and tired, because the truth is you are powerful and strong and can recover.

So I am going to learn from this…from seeing that I can’t choose to just slip and get out of it. Because this isn’t just a battle over behaviors, but over mind. And every time I choose to use symptoms…the ED mindset takes back over. I have to surrender it. I have to stop looking for an ending point of recovery and just jump on board. It’s scary, yes. It’s scary to venture to the unknown and commit to not turning back….but I have to. There may be slips along the way, but I am going to stop trying to seek out chances to slip and as my brain puts its not “take a break” from recovery. Because each of these relapses I am miserable. At the end of them I beg and plead to God to make my wt or something be a sign I should get better…why? Because I don’t want this ED. As scary as that is…it’s the truth. I want life and I want victory. And you know what…I deserve it.

So this independence day I am declaring independence from ED. Independence from living misery to misery, defeat to defeat. Independence from searching for the next way to cheat my plan. I am declaring not just independence from ED but dependence on God and my team. Dependence on the guidelines He ordains through them. What does this mean? It means committing to the guidelines and at least giving them a chance. And in those moments when ED creeps in with excuses or fears I turn to God and rely on His strength and truth.

I know it won’t be easy…and it won’t feel natural.I know my mind may wander back to trying to find the next excuse to slip..to stop gaining…to lose back weight, but in those moments I will take my thoughts captive and turn them to God. I will learn to reach out for support and take the advice I am given. All those years ago America declared its independence from Britain.Were they excited…I bet they were. But were they scared…I can almost guarantee it. There were probably so many unanswered questions. They had never run a country….never been independent of the Brits…but they took the leap of faith…and look at America now. Look at how it is a top nation in the world. But it wasn’t without a literal battle. It wasn’t without fear. And it wasn’t without a leap of faith.

So today..as I declare my independence from ED and dependence on God it isn’t without fear…it isn’t with all the questions answered…heck it isn’t even with a concrete plan. It’s just with hope and with faith. With the knowledge that my God will lead me on the path everlasting…that He will guide me..that He has provided a team, loved ones, and countless support to get me through. With the faith that though I am weak He is strong in me and will get me through. Today…this day…I sign my Declaration of Independence from ED and with the same stroke sign my Declaration of Dependence on God, and with Him, my team who is led by Him. I will post those later today :)  

Update: You can see the two declarations here and here.