Seriously..this is how desperate I am to want a sign about
Mon. This is how distrusting I am. I can’t just have faith…blind faith. I need
knowledge. So I search for a sign about my weight come Mon in anything. I was
okay and understanding of it when it was based off how my clothes fit or body
looked. I mean even though seem tighter/bigger I have been sticking to
plan..but this…what just happened…is not okay.
I was watching UGA v Auburn and saw we were actually ahead.
So I prayed for our team’s safety in that final minute…I didn’t pray for
victory..just God’s will. Right then…an unbelievable play happens…we miss a
fumble and the ball falls right into Auburn player’s hand and he runs for a
touchdown that leads to their victory. There was less than a minute left in the
game. All the sudden I felt it was my fault. Because I sent up that prayer…that’s
why they lost. And then I thought it was a sign about Mon. A sign that I can’t
trust and that everyone out to get me. A sign that come Mon weight is going to
be shot up. What the heck is wrong with me?
Why am I saying a football play has anything to do with my
weight. How am I making a lucky catch
have to do with my ability to trust my nutritionist. And even bigger…why am I
letting football tell me anything about the character, nature, and relationship
with God. I honestly want to know what is wrong with me and how I can fix it.
I know this is just because I am not weighing every day. And
honestly…sometimes…I feel my clothes are looser and that I really haven’t
gained. Actually was feeling that before the football play. I think that scares
me most. Because I am scared I will be let down come Mon. If I hope too much
for the good and actually trust the good…only bad can happen. It’s like I feel
I always need to set low expectations..that way I won’t let myself down. I
always need to plan for worst case scenario because I don’t deserve or won’t
get the good things in life.
However if I look back to all the times I have trusted God
and my N and been obedient…everything has worked out fine…including my
weigh-ins. Why can’t I just trust that. Why do I have to get so desperate I let
football dictate whether I can trust God or my N. I get I was addicted to
scale to tell me how plan affecting body…and now without scale I am turning to
football…I just don’t get it..and it sucks. I just want to trust, believe, and
leave Mon to Mon.
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