Well it’s freedom week day 3…and it’s been rough. Day 1 was
awesome. I was sky high and feeling so free…but then came what I dreadfully
like to call…the “hangover effect.” This happens the day after tons of freedom
foods, especially if I don’t get to weigh. Basically I just feel overwhelming scared, defeated, and huge.
Day 2 I felt puffy,
fat, no appetite. I didn’t want to eat anything, let alone the fear foods I had
planned. In fact, when I looked at my pre-planned meals I was sure I had gone
crazy. Luckily, I have good, supportive friends…and they pushed me through. So
I stuck to plan, did fears, and felt like crap the whole time. I prayed through
it, cried through it, sadly talked negatively to myself through it, and
definitely cursed my N a few times in my head. Important thing though is I did
it. It wasn’t pretty….but I did it. AND I didn’t weigh.
And today is Day 3. I woke up still feeling huge and fat.
But I didn’t weigh. It’s first Fri in a long time I didn’t weigh. I then had a
really awesome poop which anyone with a disorder knows can be a freeing
experience haha. Anyway…I started actually feeling a little lighter…thanks to
hunger and appetite I woke up with. Sure, I still felt huge and ED kept saying
I’ve already gained so much but I chose to say “No. I trust my N. I have no
evidence not too. Even in times past you have said my pants are tighter or face
puffier like you are saying now..and then I have ended up losing and you have
been wrong. But my N is usually right. So I choose to trust her which means I
won’t even gain a lb this week so I’m not huge or fat.”
I chose to focus on my run today and how awesome that was
going to be. I chose to focus on all the work I got done. I chose to focus on
the awesome time I was going to have with my friend at basketball game tonight.
And it was an awesome day again. I faced more freedom foods than even planned
and I enjoyed them again…well I actually didn’t like the taste of two of
them…but the freedom felt great. And I was happy again. I felt free.
So I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. If I will be happy
like today, or pissed and depressed like day 2. But what this has shown me is
no matter what I am pushing through. Because I pushed through the crappy day 2,
and today I feel fantastic! In fact…part of me is excited, not scared for Mon.
Actually trusting it will be okay. Of course, that part also wants to weigh
tom, but I refuse. One because if it was bad, I would have no team support. And
two because it wouldn’t reflect freedom foods for next few days. And three
because Mon isn’t that far away. Prayers and good thoughts more than welcomed.
Hope you all are fighting too J
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