Fight on Mighty Warrior (a poem by me)

Recovery isn’t easy

But who said it would be

When has it ever been simple

For people to fight to be free?

But the answer isn’t relapse

As much as ED says it is

It won’t make things better

It for sure won’t bring bliss

Numbers quickly become your focus

A goal to call relapse an end

You become your own worst enemy

Instead of your own recovery friend

In the misery of relapse

All you want is to be free

You want to run back into the arms

Of your once recovery

Because recovery means freedom

It means choice

Means hope

It brings overwhelming feelings

But also a way to cope

Relapse only brings fear

Brings exhaustion

Brings defeat

But don’t believe EDs lies

That relapse means defeat

The strength is in you to get back

To the recovery that brought you light

To refuse to come back to ED

Though tempt you he might

ED will make it hard

He will make relapse seem like the way

But only because he knows

You are numbering his days

Each step in recovery

You discover more of you

Of truth

Of peace

Of freedom

And then his days are few

So fight on mighty warrior

And if you slip don’t fret

Dust off your knees, pick up your head

And don’t let yourself forget

Recovery won’t be perfect

But it will be worth it in the end

You deserve to be happy

You deserve to be your own best friend

Relapse is not the answer

It will never bring you peace

Peace will only come

When your chains release

So fight on might warrior

Don’t give ED another day

Remember you are strong

And with God there is a Way

A way through the fear

Past the numbers

Past the shame

God is in control

And God…well He’s got game

He is already Victor

The enemy crushed beneath his feet

So know no matter what

ED can’t bring you defeat

Fight on might warrior

Your victory is sealed

Recovery is yours

You will be healed

When there aren't words

I feel I owe you all a post...and I tried desperately to find something inspiring to write...but there just...there aren't words right now. These past two days..I've fallen hard. My intake hasn't dropped, but ED has been screaming for it too. Classes were cancelled because of snow and all I could think was how lazy that would make my day. This led to a snowball effect and basically to me falling bad in overexercising.

And it sucks. People ask me why if I keep posting about and talking about getting into recovery I don't just do it. I don't have my usual excuses. I know with God I am strong enough...so I can't say it's because it's too hard. I really want to get back on my meal plan and escape the grasps of ED...so I can't say it's because I don't want to. I feel miserable...so I can't say it's because I am happy. But I don't want to admit the truth. I don't want to admit that I am staying stuck and honestly getting worse because I want to hit a certain weight before I get back on my plan.

But that's reality. And it sucks. Why did I think this relapse would be different? Why did I think I would have any control in my relapse? Why did I think a "break" would make things better. Sure weight gain sucks...weight gain is scary as hell. But guess what. Relapse sucks too. And those same fears swirl in my head. But with relapse there is no hope. Nothing positive. No moments of pride. Those only come with recovery. With strength. With choosing life.

So I'm sorry I am not around much. I hope I will post again soon. I even have a really good post topic about something I realized...a motivation I will have. Basically about how I am committing to really committing. When I get back on plan, committing to it and not letting relapse be an option. I have a new view that makes the no-relapse option less scary. But...ED has zapped my energy and I just can't put the words together to write.

Guys...defeat sucks. Relapse sucks. ED sucks. Please..please be strong for me. Even I am being strong and still in this torture eating fear foods. ED may have won over in exercise and I can't undo that I did that...but I can take positive actions now and I am. I love you all...and hope I will fight alongside you soon.

Just look at this post. ED has brought darkness. He has stolen my light. And I can't wait to reclaim it again. But right now..I'm still in his grasps and letting a scale..a stupid number...hold me back. You know...I may try and write a poem tonight. I haven't prioritized me and made time to write poetry like I used to. Maybe...maybe I will find some time.

Please send me comments/messages of hope or inspiration. I need them right now. 

Today

Today my weight was up…a whole lb. It was up despite workout yesterday. That means today should have been a day I was prisoner to ED. I should have only eaten safe things, restricted intake, pushed off meals. But that is not what happened. Because today…I chose to trust the part of me saying it was sore muscles. 

So instead of what I (according to ED) should have done:

• I ate my cereal without spilling any out.
• I ate lunch and dinner at appropriate times (something haven’t done in days). I ate early when I was hungry.
• I ate my freedom food of a yeasty roll for the day and two unplanned freedom foods of broccoli and a fiber tortilla.
• I ate my snack before my shower even though I was full because I knew I needed to.
• I did not do my abs or upper body like have been doing every night.
• I got the right serving of prunes.
• I added cayenne pepper to my meal
• I allow myself a drink from Starbucks. Unsweetened green tea.

So no..today I didn’t do what ED says I should have done…and you know what…I’m okay with that. Still scared. Still fearing tomorrow. …but okay. 

Testing what's right when ED screams wrong

So I made some big strides into getting back in recovery after this horrible stomach attack and ED is yelling at me about it. Telling me it was the “wrong” thing to do. I know it was right because he is being so loud and because I know it’s what my N would say to do (this is why weekends are so hard…she isn’t around to confirm these doubts). Honestly…one of the ways I know if it’s right or wrong is this process (though it’s EDish in its ways). I ask myself:

• If weight goes down tomorrow will ED say this is the reason or will he be in shock? Whichever behavior shocks ED and gives him no reason to believe I will lose then it’s right one. It means its behavior that challenges ED belief.
• If my weight goes up tomorrow will ED say “See your weight went up even though you did x”? Or will he blame this (though it won’t be cause) for why it went up? Whichever behavior ED will blame for weight increase is the one to go for. Otherwise it’s a behavior ED is trying to get me to do to control my weight and keep it low.

Using this method I ended up doing these very scary things and ED is not happy:

•  I threw out the back-up plan in case I was too scared to do my freedom food tomorrow. I knew if I had back-up plan (aka a safe alternative) and my weight was up tomorrow, ED would make me eat the safe thing and not do my freedom food. This would be going against what my N said. So I didn’t leave ED with any options. I only have my freedom food (a veggie burger) as the choice tomorrow. Doesn’t use the above method…but still a method of questioning whether I am choosing recovery or ED.
• 
  
•   I got a serving of prunes closer to what my N wants. I knew if I didn’t then ED would say tomorrow that was to blame if my weight goes down and if I were to gain ED would say I could never eat right amount of prunes because I was gaining eating the smaller amount. Also, I knew whenever I got back up to the 23 g my N wants, ED would scream I couldn’t if I ended up gaining eating the smaller amount (which really is just 20 g). So definitely when I get back on meal plan it will mean back on prunes too.
• 
  
• I got two pieces of salmon (my fear food for tonight). The filets seemed small, but I didn’t queston it. I smuggled out two so I would have option. When I weighed them back in my room both were less than 3 oz. ED screamed I couldn’t add to them. That they were just less than 3 oz because overcooked or something. But I did the right thing. I took one of the filets and I used to other to make it 3 oz. I am still very, very scared about doing this and fear I overate the salmon. But I used the above method. Here’s how.   
• 
  

•  If I don’t add the extra: if weight down tomorrow ED won’t let me start plan back because he will say it is just because I underrate the salmon. If I gain tomorrow he will say I can never eat 3 oz of salmon, because I underrate and gained. Let me just point out how funny it is that in this way tomorrow somehow I “underrate” when right now ED saying not adding would make it the right weight.
•  If I did add extra:  if weight down tomorrow ED will be in shock. Hopefully he would be speechless (rare for ED). There would be nothing he could say or blame. If I gain tomorrow he would say it’s because I was stupid and overate the salmon. Either way I think this option gives me more victory. ED can’t blame something if weight down or shame me if weight up. This option makes it possible for ED to be proven wrong, or gives me something to blame (though wrongfully so) if weight up. This way brings me more peace. ALSO…this way allows me to go into N and when I ask should I have added I won’t have regret. I know she will say yes…and this way I will know I did what was right.

These may seem small, but they were HUGE accomplishments for me. I still have a lot of things I need to work on. The food scale has crept back in and I am avoiding foods even when I crave them. I need to work on that. But for now…I am proud of what I did. Perhaps tomorrow I will make a side goal of backing off the food scale use. We shall see. Thanks for letting me share. 

He is holding your hand...

Today has been rough. Even after cycling yesterday my weight shot up. Something I didn’t see coming at all. I honestly thought weight was going to be way down as usually is, I was going to be happy, and I was going to be starting back on meal plan. Instead..weight was up, I was up sine 4 AM with horrid stomach pain, and I had no appetite or tummy tolerance for my extra snack. All this added up to me being terrified. What I thought I had known about my weight, the control I thought I had over it, was all an illusion. I was shaking.

I went through the day agonizingly. I still ate my meal plan, but it was just going through the motions. Not tasting anything. Not caring. Just wanting the day to be over. Luckily, before that could happen, I had dance practice for my church.

Before dance we always do a devotional and this devotionals topic: fear. We talked about various things, but something really stuck out to me….God is holding your right hand. No matter what…He is there. No matter how high the waves seem, how scary things feel, He is there. He has your hand and He will see you through.

Right now for me my fears are tied up in food and in weigh-ins. Also in my future after graduation. Here is the amazing thing. God is here. In this fear He is here. He knows exactly what foods I am going to crave and face. He knows exactly how they will nourish my body and He knows they won’t feed into ED’s lies but into His truth. He knows the foods will free me. All the while, He is holding my right hand. He is giving me craving for the foods to fuel me. I just need to listen.

And with weigh-ins (which He will give me the strength to only do weekly) He is there. He knows exactly what the scale will say before I even step on it. And I need not fear it. Because no matter the number…He will be there. He will be there holding my right hand. He will be there giving me the peace to overcome ED shouting if it goes up. And the courage to eat more if it stays the same or goes down. He has control of the scale and will give me the courage and strength to overcome any fear associated with it. I don’t need to fear the number, because God knows it and knows how He will help me cope with it.

And for my future. God knows that too. He knows what UTK is going to say. He knows what path I am going to take after grad school. He knows every single step I will take, every day leading up to and after graduation, every moment that is to come for me. He knows them, and He has them. And every day, every moment, every breath…He will have me too. He will be holding my right hand. And I can’t help but thinking….maybe my daddy will have a hold of my left. 

Finding Hope...in a Cupcake

There are two parts to this post. The first I wrote a few days ago…it’s not as hopeful, but is still real emotion. I put it aside and come back today…with the hope. Read whatever parts you want J

Written on Feb 1, 2014

Sorry I haven’t been around the last few days. Honestly things have been rough and I have been trying to self-reflecting. ED was very loud and I knew he would be the one typing any blog post not me. I did stay on meal plan, but that only made him louder. Luckily, I finally had time to journal last night and get my own head screwed back on. I had a lot of realizations and feel I can come back and write now.

I came to realize why I have motivation for one day and then it’s gone the next. It’s because even in fighting for my purpose as I wrote about a week ago, I am fighting for my future…and right now I don’t like the future I see because it’s a whole lot of unknown.

Yes this is me....

Come May I am graduating. Something most people look forward too. Something I was looking forward to too. But now…now I am dreading it. I feel like time is ticking towards graduation and I just want it to stop. Graduating means leaving the safe life I have lived the past 4 years. And I don’t know what is going to happen after. The school I planned on going to, I just can’t afford to take out the loans for. The even better school and job I found I am still waiting to hear back from. And those are the only two schools with the program I want. So if it doesn’t work out with this one…I have to take a year off and just work some fast food job…not what I ever dreamed of my life being.

May and graduating means a lot of loss to me at this point. I lose the comfort of living in a dorm. I lose my job I love. I lose the safety of doing school…something I know I can do and am good at. Those aren’t the greatest loss. The thing I am most scared to lose…is my N. And it's this fear, the realization of losing her....it's gonna be my motivation. 

I then started crying too much to handle, so I put this aside…and I am back…this time a little more hopeful.

You see, my N is part of the school and come May with graduating…school ends. There’s no way to see her anymore. There is no more person to catch me when I lapse over summer. There is no more just make it through summer so can see N again in fall. There will just be me….and my whole life ahead…without her.

It’s silly I know, but I trust her and she is more than a N. In these three years we have been through a lot: the loss of my grandparents, almost getting kicked out of school, getting kicked out of health center, having organs fail, losing my dad. Through it all she has been there. Supporting me, believing in me, helping me. And to lose her (though she does want to stay in touch)…it’s like losing a whole support.

And it makes me mad for all the time I wasted. May is fast approaching and I’m scared even if I work as hard as I can I won’t be ready to eat without her and I will just lapse and end up back where I am. This must be what everyone was talking about. People never regret starting recovery too early…they always regret starting too late.

All this made me write my N an apology letter. Tell her how sorry I was for taking advantage of her and how scared I am to lose her come May. Today we finally had session….and talked about it. She told me there was no reason to give up. Even if I am not where I want to be in May..it doesn’t mean I should lapse. I shouldn’t sit around trapped by the could of, would ofs, should ofs. I should just start where I am and see what I can do with the time we have.

So I am going to try. The first challenge was today. I walked into my appt expecting a typical appt and there were two cupcakes in front of my nutritionist. Cupcakes with spoons and water…I knew what was coming. FOOD CHALLENGE. My N said I just had to do one bite because they had coconut on the top and she knew I hated coconut. Part of me thought…one bite…I can do that. One bite to start this journey again. ED though felt otherwise and just screamed calories, calories, calories. Especially when want wt down tomorrow so will add back snack. ED said it would be better for me not to eat the bite because wouldn’t want to hurt chances of recovery tomorrow. But I am done with tomorrow..I only had today.

So I did it. I took the bite. It was really bland and I hated it. That’s when N told me it was kind of a test. She wanted to see if I meant what I said in letter. By taking the bite I proved I did. She said she wouldn’t have been mad if I didn’t. It just would have shown I wasn’t ready and that way okay. That was my choice. But she was so happy I took the bite…and so was I.

Now I hated it was bland and thus didn’t seem worth it, but there was a story to that too. My N didn’t like it but needed a student opinion. Enter me….student…student with very bland taste…so if it was bland to me…it was really bland.

Still, blandness, fear and all…I am so proud I took the bite. I am scared to start on this committed journey to my N, but I am beginning to see May as maybe a relief too. I can gain this weight, do these challenges, give it my all and if come May I am miserable…if come May I want to go back to ED…I will have that choice. There will be no one to stop me. It will just be me.

Having this option scares me…but also comforts me. I can give recovery a try…risk all the fear…and just see what happens. Live the life I want. Trust my N like I’ve always wanted to. And I’m not locked in.

So for today I did live. I took the bite…the first step. And it led to me choosing the lunch I wanted to. The lunch ED didn’t want but I wanted. I am scared. I am still thinking of the scale (which yes I am going to take a break from once I get back on full meal plan). But I am happy today I am choosing life. Not heart beating, breathing life. But experiencing, smiling, loving life.

My N was right about a lot today, but one thing that really sticks with me is it’s not too late. Sure…I’ve worked with her three years. Sure, I’ve struggled. But it’s not too late. It’s not too late to start. It never is…not until life is over. Every day, every moment, is an opportunity to start.

Also…you never know till you try. I am scared I will hate my body when I gain. I am scared I will gain rapidly. I am scared I will never repair my metabolism. I am scared I will relapse because recovery will be too hard on my own come May. But I will never know these things. Never have the chance to see gains can occur slowly, my metabolism can repair, and the recovery I dream of can be possible unless I try. 

When Silence isn't Golden

Sorry I haven’t been around much lately guys. Honestly…I hit a rough patch. I’m not really sure when it started…but my old behaviors began creeping back in. It could have been the stress of exams, this hopelessness and fear I feel about my future, the realization I am graduating and that means losing my N (more on this in a later post). I am really not sure. All I know is I slowly started slipping, the scale started becoming my only focus, and then I woke up with food poisoning today. Pretty much the perfect storm for a lapse. And it did happen. I did cut out one of my snacks today. For some reason it seemed the way to cope…but I’m sitting here not feeling any better.

What am I trying to cope with. Right now? The silence. I feel so alone in life right now. I don’t know why. I spent time with my mom this weekend, I am on a campus surrounded by people, and I have people who text me during the day. But at the end of the day, or in those moments in the day where there is nothing but work I am doing…I feel alone. And it scares me.

It’s in these moments grief comes back and hits hard. These moments were the times I would call my dad. I remember I used to find any tiny excuse to call him. I always felt I had to have a reason to call him…even though I really just called to hear his voice. These past few days I have been hit hard with the loss again. The fact that I have these silent moments and he isn’t there to fill them. I close my eyes and can see him. I can feel his arms around me. And yet…he isn’t here. I just feel this emptiness. This longing. And I can’t satisfy it. I just want him back and nothing I can do can make that happen…so I have been focusing on my weight instead. Something I feel I have more control over. Something I can force to go my way. But at the end of the day, in the silence, I still feel this loss.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I have never felt this amount of grief and pain and ache. I know how I can make it right…I can get my dad to come back to earth. Problem is…I’m not God. I can’t make that happen and its not in God’s Will for it to happen. I know His Will is good. That His way is greater than mine…but right now..in the silence…I want my way to be right. I want it to be the way.  I want my dad so this pain can go away. I just want this pain to stop…and it won’t. It won’t ntil he is back.

I have escaped emotions using ED for my whole life, but grief. This insurmountable grief. ED isn’t even big enough to overcome it. Even restricting today I was consumed with thoughts of my dad. Memories of my dad. The love for my dad. And the pain that he is not here. Part of me likes the pain because it means I’m not moving on. But the other part…is just drained by it. Consumed by it.

And a lot of it I know comes from realizing I will have lots of goodbyes coming when I graduate. I am tired of having to say goodbye. I want time to stop moving. I want things to just stand still. I feel like I jumped on this train called life and its chugging down the track at a rapid pace and I’m not ready. I don’t know where its taking me and I feel like its plowing down the things I care about along the way without stopping to let me catch my breath.

I’m also scared I am going to lose my stepfamily. I feel like the longer my dad is gone the less they wonder about me. The less contact we have. And the more silence creeps in. This scares me. I saw my mom’s family fall apart when my aunt died. I saw my dad’s family distance when his parents died. And I’m terrified me, my stepmom, and stepsiblings will distance now that my dad is gone. I just can’t lose any more people. I just can’t.

I think it’s strange that in the midst of all this loss my mind goes to loss for the answer. Just lose weight and everything will be better is what my mind says. It blames all of this horridness on my weight being higher than its been in a while. I wish it were that simple. I wish ED was right about this one. I wish I could just lose to a certain weight and everything be okay. I wish if my weight was stable it would mean my life is stable…but that’s just not reality. I’ve lost, I’ve gained, I’ve maintained and this pain has been there every step of the way. My dad hasn’t come back. My future hasn’t been made clear. All that’s happened is I have felt more lost and confused and scared. All emotions I don’t cope well with. I can usually run from them…but after not facing them for so many years…they are too big to outrun. So I guess I will have to face them…I just don’t know how. 

Sorry this isn't cheerful. That there isn't some happy ending I have right now. But right now..I'm trying to be okay with not being okay.