When there aren't words

I feel I owe you all a post...and I tried desperately to find something inspiring to write...but there just...there aren't words right now. These past two days..I've fallen hard. My intake hasn't dropped, but ED has been screaming for it too. Classes were cancelled because of snow and all I could think was how lazy that would make my day. This led to a snowball effect and basically to me falling bad in overexercising.

And it sucks. People ask me why if I keep posting about and talking about getting into recovery I don't just do it. I don't have my usual excuses. I know with God I am strong enough...so I can't say it's because it's too hard. I really want to get back on my meal plan and escape the grasps of ED...so I can't say it's because I don't want to. I feel miserable...so I can't say it's because I am happy. But I don't want to admit the truth. I don't want to admit that I am staying stuck and honestly getting worse because I want to hit a certain weight before I get back on my plan.

But that's reality. And it sucks. Why did I think this relapse would be different? Why did I think I would have any control in my relapse? Why did I think a "break" would make things better. Sure weight gain sucks...weight gain is scary as hell. But guess what. Relapse sucks too. And those same fears swirl in my head. But with relapse there is no hope. Nothing positive. No moments of pride. Those only come with recovery. With strength. With choosing life.

So I'm sorry I am not around much. I hope I will post again soon. I even have a really good post topic about something I realized...a motivation I will have. Basically about how I am committing to really committing. When I get back on plan, committing to it and not letting relapse be an option. I have a new view that makes the no-relapse option less scary. But...ED has zapped my energy and I just can't put the words together to write.

Guys...defeat sucks. Relapse sucks. ED sucks. Please..please be strong for me. Even I am being strong and still in this torture eating fear foods. ED may have won over in exercise and I can't undo that I did that...but I can take positive actions now and I am. I love you all...and hope I will fight alongside you soon.

Just look at this post. ED has brought darkness. He has stolen my light. And I can't wait to reclaim it again. But right now..I'm still in his grasps and letting a scale..a stupid number...hold me back. You know...I may try and write a poem tonight. I haven't prioritized me and made time to write poetry like I used to. Maybe...maybe I will find some time.

Please send me comments/messages of hope or inspiration. I need them right now.