When the right thing feels wrong

So today I had horrid weigh-in. In two days I have “gained” 1.4 lbs and I freaked. Of course my first thought was to relapse. It would be so easy today. Stuck in car all day, b-fast already wouldn’t be till 1pm, family so oblivious and mad at me that no one would notice….I was set-up perfectly to restrict. And I could sneak away and go for a run too. It was perfect.

But something else happened today. I heard the small voice in me saying to trust Jesus. Saying that I should practice what I said I would do. That I would trust the Spirit, trust the weight gain, trust the process and not turn back. I freaked out and reached out for support and I got it, but still no words were making it okay. I wanted someone to say the right thing that would make me think this was fluctuation and I should keep plan. Even when people said those exact words it wasn’t enough. Nothing seemed to be making it okay to eat. And I was scared, because I wanted to eat and wanted to do the plan. That small voice inside of me was now loud enough to be audible.

I realized in that moment, PEOPLE weren’t ever going to say the right thing. I needed to pray to God because that small voice was His Spirit in me. If I wanted to know and trust it, I needed to speak to Him and ask Him to cure my unbelief and walk with me through this day.

Let me tell you…I have had to go to Him several times today. Today was hard….very hard. I thought 

listening to God and doing the right thing would feel…well…right. But every bite I put into me, the three fear foods I chose to face spur of the moment because I wanted them, even my very safe b-fast…it all felt wrong. I honestly felt in my core what I was doing was wrong and needed to be punished. But I knew in my heart what I was doing was right. I knew I was being obedient. But still it felt wrong.

But you know what was great about today. I didn’t let that feeling or the fear, guilt, and shame that came along with it dictate my actions. And as the day has gone on it has gotten less and even the weigh-in has drifted from my mind. I know had I restricted all I would be thinking about right now is the scale. But by choosing to do something different….choosing to listen to God over ED, choosing facing over hiding from fear, choosing the unknown over misery, choosing obedience over reason, choosing faith over my own understanding….well the scale almost faded away. It has still come up from time to time…but looking back it’s a ton better than when I choose to restrict.

Now why is this so HUGE. Because this is the first time since I was 6 and started my realationship with ED (and also the earliest memory I have) that I have chosen to not listening to ED, to not let emotions dictate my actions, to not let the verbal abuse from my mom (who actually told me to restrict today) play out in punishing myself through food. It is the first time since I started treatment at the age of 14 that I actually did what I was supposed to do and ate meal plan instead of looking for ways to cut corners. It is the first time since I started weighing myself again two years ago that the scale didn’t determine my intake but I let my dietitian dictate it.

So today…today was a lot of first for me. And I am coming to see that’s why it didn’t feel right…because it was different…and it was change..and for me change is something that doesn’t seem right. But you know what..change is good. Change allows flowers to bloom again as the winter frost gives way to spring. Change allowed my parents to re-marry and actually be happy. And change…well maybe change will bring me recovery and my own happiness…maybe change will let me bloom as ED’s frost melts away. So just know in this recovery thing…if it feels like what you are doing is wrong..but in your heart you know its right..its probably the right thing. If your mind is screaming that you can’t do it, that it is wrong to do it….whatever it is….do it anyway. And maybe..just maybe..change will come our way and what’s right will finally feel right. 

WIAAW: Where I Am At Wed #3

It's time for another where I am at wednesday!

Well as you all (may have) read earlier God pulled me out of relapse today. I was so excited this morning! I was so excited to work towards my future because I was miserable in relapse. But as you (may have) also read, ED snuck in and stole that joy with this whole idea that somehow this morning when I weighed I thought I saw one number but was so tired I saw number wrong. Yes…I know that makes no sense…but the thought has taken over all day. Keeps popping up and I keep trying to rationalize my way out of it, but no amount of proof at how it is a lie is proving it wrong or giving me any peace.

I just keep on getting caught up in the thought and I just want to let it go. There is so much proof, but my mind says I don’t have anything concrete like a photo. Well, I just realized this means I would have to trust myself…trust that I saw it right…and I struggle with trust. Good news….I kept with plan today despite the thought, fear, and overwhelming desire to wait till tom. I am just pushing through the fear and talking to God about it all.

God has also shown me that even without the proof it’s obvious this is a lie. Why? Because when I think and trust that I saw weight right this morning I am filled with joy, peace, and praise of God. If I even start to slightly let brain think saw wrong….it’s like an avalanche and I am paralyzed with fear, anxiety, thoughts of restricting, and far from God. So it’s obvious thought is scheme of the enemy (aka ED or satan…whatever you want to call him) to take the glory from God that the victory of today should bring. It’s obvious that it’s the enemy trying to steal joy. So I should choose to trust God, myself, and heck…reason and believe what I saw this morning was right and that I was supposed to do plan today!

But enough about that. Where Am I At this Wednesday. Well..I am hopeful and scared and all sorts of frustrated. Let’s take this one at a time.

Hopeful…well that’s easy. I am out of my lapse and making the right decisions today (even ate full portions of things I usually restrict) and facing fear foods. I was so busy at work that I didn’t even have time to think of exercising so so far so good with that.

Bad news is I struggled with meal timing a ton. It’s so annoying because I do it to myself and feel miserable for it. I refuse to go back to semi-recovery where I only do part of my agreement. I want to commit to meal timing because it’s important and its something I am supposed to be doing and thus needs to be done. I am still though hopeful that I will get back on track and I am accepting that today wasn’t perfect.

This brings me to a new part of my agreement that my N added in through e-mail today and to the next emotion….scared. Basically, I always struggle with knowing when it comes to food decisions what is me craving something and what is ED telling me I am craving something. So new rule is this. When I am questioning how much or what to eat I have to go with whatever is higher calorie/sodium/fear option. That way it’s a guarantee its not ED. It’s been hard, but even been doing that today. And it’s saved me from a lot of e-mails and thinking and all that.

So now onto frustrated…well that comes from this stupid recurring thought. I keep trying to just let go of it to just trust….but it comes right back. And now I have fears circling because about to go on trip with family and we just planned meals. I am having to push myself…to face major fear foods…and to meet meal plan on a trip. It’s going to be hard and I am trying to just let the thoughts go, but again they keep coming too. Like that I am going to gain a ton more. And so idk…I am just frustrated that I have to feel this fear.

But overwhelmingly, this Wed I am hopeful and positive. I am happy to be out of relapse and happy about where I am going, but I am scared too. Going to try and just take it day by day, meal by meal, moment by moment. Going to try and enjoy this time with my family since my meals are already planned out. Going to try and just relax, because soon it is back to school. But I am just so scared to be honest. But pushing into the fear…I just have to push through the fear. 

This is anorexia...

Want to know what anorexia does to your mind? How it takes over, invades, and literally warps everything you do and experience. The insane thoughts it puts in your mind in desperation to keep you a captive. Well...here was my morning. Just a warning...numbers are used...but I mean they obviously aren't real wts...just had to use something to show it. 

7 AM

 You weigh-in and finally it’s 8.2 lbs..you freak out. Overcome with joy and excitement. You finally can recover! Finally. You almost cry. You get on and off scale several times….just checking in amazement. You even change the batteries on your scale and weigh on the other scale in your house. Yep….definitely 8.2 lbs. You get ready in excitement, praising God and hurridly packing the food you have had packed for days waiting for the chance to be able to eat again.Then you get to work. You are still nervous about new plan. 

10 AM

Three hours fly by and your alarm for b-fast sounds. Here it is…the moment of truth. You brought your camera and sneak into bathroom to take pics of your body since you are convinced this is last time will ever be this low and must document.

Now the fun begins…fun for ED that is. He convinces you that this morning you were really 9.2 lbs. That you saw wrong and got excited for nothing. That really you can’t start plan. That you needed to take pic of scale. That you should wait till tom so can do it right.

It is illogical. Even you know that. You are obsessed with scale…you would have easily known the difference between 9.2 and 8.2 lbs. 9.2 would have sent you into full blown panic because it was your fear. Oh wait! You remember there is a scale here and you quickly weigh…8 lbs. Okay..this seems it would push away fear. But ED says nope….see it’s a different scale and its 3 hours later…can’t trust that. So you do next logical thing….you drive to your house with girls you nanny just to weigh yourself on your scale. 

11 AM

8 lbs.But what about this 3 hour business. Good thing you have record of your past weights….you look back to the days you have weighed at two different times. There are plenty of days this is unrecorded because weight was same. Even on day when weghed 4 hours apart after being in hot sun weight only went down .8 lbs. Heck you know even yest when weighed after workout and 5 hours later weight only down .8 lbs. There is no way 1.2 lbs difference could have happened in three hours.

You would think with all this logic ED is silenced…but he is not and your mind still races. The only thing left to do is what you should have started with: journal, pray, trust. You know what you saw. God provided the 8.2 lbs and you have to trust it. Plus you live by faith not sight. You don’t need a picture. And waiting till tom….won’t ever let you know what you saw this morning. Only you know what you saw this morning and in your heart or hearts you know it was 8.2 lbs. It was. Trust yourself, fuck ED, and move on. Okay…time for breakfast and prayer! I am so obsessed with numbers I am choosing to know and trust what I saw....I (and ED) would have never let me get number wrong...and I've spent too much time wasting energy on this thought. 

Lead from Your Own Revival

So today’s church service was just what I needed to hear. It was about inner revival and how that is how great earthly revivals start. Any revival on earth started with one person choosing to pursue God no matter what.

Well God has called me to a revival of sort in my work with people with ED…and that means I must commit myself to recovery from ED. It means I need to ask the Lord and submit to a great moving within my heart to release me from this ED. This means no matter how hard it gets, how much I am asked to eat, how fast weight gain happens, how scary a fear food seems, I push through relying on the Lord and His Strength. Pursuing Him knowing He is doing a revival within me so I can help free others through Him and His work in me.

It just spoke again to me that my recovery journey can be a source of healing for others. Not to make myself seem mighty at all, but it just helps motivate me to stay the track. If I give into temptation…that’s no motivation for others to push through when they are in the same circumstance..in fact it gives others the excuse they need to lapse too. But if I push through and continue to be obedient to my team who are divinely put in my life…continue to listen to the Spirit within me…then it will motivate others to do the same..or so I hope.

Something the pastor said that really stuck with me is that we can’t tell the Spirit what to do other…we just need to submit to the movement of the Spirit and respond to the Spirit’s calling. Let me tackle the first one first. So submitting to the Spirit means you can’t tell the Spirit what path you want to take or how it all needs to happen…you just have to submit to the movement of the Spirit. For me that comes with not trying to figure out or anticipate or calculate the rate of my weight gain, but to submit to and trust God that He is in control. That even when it seems to fast it will slow down and He won’t let it happen too fast. He showed me that this week with this new plan only causing 1 lb of gain, but still my mind said it was too fast and went into trying to figure it out. Instead I just need to trust in the Lord and instead of praying for x amount of weight gain, I need to tell Him my desires and ask for the strength and the courage to submit to His plan if it is different.

This also means submitting to the Spirit in obedience to my plan. However my nutritionist is “inspired” to change my plan or challenge me I need to trust even if it doesn’t make sense. Instead of getting trapped in trying to figure it all out or manipulate my team, I need to submit to their guidance, trusting God has His Hand in it. I need to submit to this path of recovery God has me on. This revival of recovery in my life. I need to stop trying to figure it out, to plan, to manipulate, and just submit to it. By experiencing the path and the fears that come with it, I can better help others going through it. If I keep trying to forge my own path not only will I end up miserable or possibly dead, but it will be harder for me to help others…to spark the revival of recovery I so hope to be a part of for others.

Now onto responding to the Spirit’s calling. For me this means when that voice inside of me wants me to face a certain fear food, pull back reigns on exercising, not use certain ritual..or whatever recovery goal it calls me to accomplish, I need to follow in obedience. Instead of trying to figure out if the voice is the Spirit when it clearly is and then asking for permission from my team to follow the call when I know they will want me to, I need to respond to the calling and ask my team for support in it. I need to stop trying to stall the move of the Spirit in me and just submit to it even when it gets scary.

After the sermon I got prayer and (thank God) got paired with my pastor’s wife and it was an amazing session. One big thing that came out of it is I need to cling to God and to the verse from Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.” This means when weight gain seems too fast, when I hit a certain weight and want to turn back, when meal plan seems to big, when ED is screaming about a certain nutrient, when a fear food seems to big to overcome I need to whisper or shout this to my soul. I need to realize my understanding is full of lies about food and my body and that instead of clinging to my understanding I need to trust the Lord, knowing His plans are good and He has and deserves all control. Knowing He is loving and merciful and won’t let anything too scary happen. Knowing He presents me with only the challenges He knows will make me stronger and that I will overcome. I don’t need to understand all the time, I just need to know and believe Him. And pray to Him when I am scared that He gives me the strength to trust Him and not my own understanding. And that He start to heal my mind so truth replaces the lies.

All of this hit even deeper for me because I was informed today that two people from the treatment center I was at in 2011 died this week. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! These were two young souls that had hopes and dreams. Two lives God had marked for greatness. But the enemy got in with this powerful addiction of an eating disorder. The enemy came in and took their lives and its not fair. I don’t want more souls to be lost to this disorder and I want to be a part of stopping it. That means allowing this revival in my own heart. 

I also got scared by the news of their death because I got scared with this lapse I am in and how weak I am feeling..I don’t want to be the next soul lost because of this disorder. I don’t want to die from this when I feel in my heart God is calling me to be a part of bringing sufferers to Him so they can be healed. In combating the enemy so he can’t steal more precious lives. I don’t want to die because I have a unique story and I know my life has been exactly as it should have been for me to be set up to reach these lost souls in a specific way. That there are people I have not yet met that I am supposed to cross paths with to help them and support them in healing from this horrible disease. If I am dead…what if that means they die too. And I don’t want to die because of a number. My life and my calling are more important than a number on a scale as were the two precious lives lost this week. I want to stand firm against this disease and the enemies use of it to claim innocent lives. It’s not okay and it needs to end NOW! That starts with allowing for revival in me so I can be made strong enough to help others. 

Living in Limbo...

I honestly just feel so lost. I can’t keep living in this limbo anymore. I keep gaining weight, getting close to 90 lbs, then getting scared and losing back. It’s like I am living in this limbo between recovery and ED. I choose recovery for a short time, knowing full well I can go back to ED when times get tough and I do. That way I’m neither fully in ED or fully in recovery.

I know I don’t want to be fully in my ED…because I don’t want to die. That is what keeps me from it. Plus, I like the joy I feel when I am eating larger meal plan and nourishing my body. But then…idk. It’s not that I don’t want recovery. I really, really want recovery.

Yes please! Can I live here!

 I really want to be able to eat whatever I want, exercise because I want to, go to cycling class then go out to eat with my cycling buddies. I want to nourish my body, build muscle, and move on with life. I want to be free to date and one day be married. I want to go out to Denver free from this. I want to be an ED therapist and help others see their way out. I want to have me, my husband, and our dogs living in a cabin with tons of land. Doing bible studies together in the morning as we sip coffee in the rocking chairs and our dogs run in the yard. That’s what I want. Maybe kids I don’t know. But at least to be married and happy. Not thinking of food or exercising. Just living and loving life. I know that isn’t possible in my ED.

My image of recovery. Simple...yet I feel impossible.

But then I don’t want recovery. I don’t want the weight gain part of it. I don’t want the fear I have to feel. I don’t want to have to eat the foods I have avoided for so long unsure of if they will make me balloon. I don’t want to see my body change and have others see it too…especially not now that that is going to have to happen at school so I know people will see. But idk…maybe people seeing it will help open doors for people to ask questions, me to share my story, and me to encourage others. I just don’t want this unknown. I am scared of this unknown. But heck I hate this limbo too.

It’s miserable. Because when I feel freedom I know it’s short-lived and when I am in relapse I make it really bad so I can lose weight quickly and get back to freedom. I mean it’s obvious I want that freedom…it’s just the fear that holds me back.

But maybe I had something there a few paragraphs back. I am so scared of people seeing me gain weight because I am scared they will make fun of me. But what if people seeing me gain weight is actually inspirational. What if there are people out there who I don’t even know who are struggling with similar things and seeing me push through their fear helps them. That would be awesome.

I mean I am hoping it could inspire some of you who read this blog. That is I choose recovery, push through the fear, maybe it could give someone out there hope. Even just helping one person would make it worth it. But still…I’m scared of the people who don’t know about my ED and see me gain. What will they think?

That’s why I am scared to go back to school heavier. I am scared what my coworkers will think. But I am going to have to gain during the school year…so they are going to see it and I guess I just have to get over it. But I mean I think about it and the friends I have who have lapsed and then gained and I saw them gain either in person or through pictures…those are the people who have motivated me. Seeing them do well…seeing them choose recovery…and know how scary it is…it made me feel maybe it was possible for me.

Wow! Didn’t expect to come to that conclusion in this post. That maybe ED is lying and people won’t make fun of me, but may be inspired by my weight gain. Maybe people will see it as a good not a bad thing.

Still I feel stuck in this limbo. Maybe this next time I go to recovery mode since in lapse right now…maybe it will really be my last time. I will need to ask for support as I break through and continue to push on past the certain number I have as a barrier in my mind. But maybe this time instead of running when that fear comes up I will just push through. I have been doing tons of research on how to make weight restoration easier…and all I find is Just Do It. It sucks, its scary, but you just push on and it gets easier.

I’m not sure…but I know I don’t want ED. I know I only run back to ED to avoid the fear. This is why I am so happy about getting an ED therapist finally. Because I need to learn to deal with my emotions. I need to learn to accept weight gain instead of waiting for the next time I can lose it. I need to learn how to work through the fear, disgust, anger, and tears that come up when I gain….and with the uncertainty that comes in weight gain and the rate it will occur at. I need to stop using behaviors, and start facing emotions. I need to break free of this limbo. I need to pray to God to make my want to bigger than my scared to. Thanks for letting me vent. 

Vicious Relapse Cycle. Suggestions?

So…here I sit again relapsing. Though wt was down from yesterday this morning meaning I have only gained x lbs in a week on this plan…I have chosen to relapse. That’s right…chosen. That’s what sucks about these relapses I am in now…I don’t unknowingly slip into them…I am choosing them. Sitting, contemplating, realizing (and being pestered by the thought) that what I am doing isn’t right and is completely ED. Yet..I am choosing ED. I am choosing to exercise and restrict. And this time it’s even worse…because 

I am choosing to do this and I really don’t want to.

It’s weird. I am waiting for someone to tell me the right thing to make me not do this again. I am trying to make a definite end point. And I am trying to figure out how I am going to stop this new pattern I have gotten into. Gain weight, freak out when get close to x lbs, lose the weight back, get back on plan, gain weight, freak out….and so on and so on. It’s like it’s some way to cheat the system. To experience recovery without commiting to it. And it’s wrong. Reality is, in order to recover I am going to have to stop this pattern. I am going to have to break the weight barrier I have in my head and just keep gaining. Even if it is a faster rate some weeks that I want. Even if my brain yells for me to go back to restricting, I am going to have to push on.

Honestly, I know today I could do that. I know that deep down, because I honestly don’t want to even do this. I want to do my plan. Especially since weight starting to go back down on its own. What if it could keep going down without me having to restrict? But now I won’t ever know because I chose to exercise again and have plan set out to restrict. It’s so frustrating. And I don’t even know the goal of this relapse. Do I want to lose back to x? Or to y? Or do I want to just restrict till see new therapist on Thursday? Honestly…I don’t want this to last longer than today. I honestly don’t even know why I am doing this?

So to make myself feel somewhat better and to make me not feel like a complete asshole for going against God…I am using this lapse to make sure and guarantee I get full portions, especially if use food scale. That’s something I started slipping on again. But I realized something this morning when I did that at b-fast.

You see restricting anything now when I am logging calories means I am eating less than the calories I say I am eating and with how low they are that’s dangerous so I really need to ensure I eat them all. Well…I realized this applies when/if I go back to old plan…the same thing applies. Restricting portions for my exchanges is restricting the nutrients that exchange represents which is even more important than calories. It’s means missing out on fiber, protein, vitamins, minerals…whatever my body needs. And the things/amts I restrict are so minimal caloric wise that they probably wouldn’t make a difference to add back in…other than the fact it would stomp ED to the ground.

So when/if I go back to this plan…which will be easier knowing only makes gian x lbs/week and that I will be going on it after restricting less than had before…I am going to make sure to get full portions. I am also going to (try) to only weigh weekly or maybe biweekly. This every day thing is so confusing.

So I am really hoping somehow I manage to drop back to…idk… I just somehow hope and pray it happens overnight so this doesn’t have to drag out. Heck…maybe I will just go back to plan tomorrow. I don’t know….for today just going to focus on full portions and eating what I have planned. Even doing a fear food. But really…I need to break out of this pattern. I need to just buckle in, lean on God, and gain this weight. 

Have you ever found yourself stuck in this cycle? How did you break free? Are you in this cycle now? 

May trigger but need vent

Alright so I ate stupid cake. I trusted and I did it...what happens? Worst fear! Ed is proven right and I gain 1.2 lbs overnight. Could it be from eating late? Yes. Could it be because didn't poo as much? Yes. Does my brain blame cake and meal plan? Yes!
What does this mean? It means I want to restrict and feel I can now. Hasn't even been a week and gained 2 lbs. It feels so wrong especially when wt was down slightly yesterday. But honestly a bigger part of me doesn't want to restrict. It's hungry and wants to give plan just one more day. Heck...if throw in towel now...well won't have even made it a week on this plan.
So I want to give it till tom. Now before you get all excited and proud of me for doing plan let me be honest. Right now I have plan in tom to eat low amt of calories so can lose this wt if its still there. And I plan on exercising. That is if wt is still up. So I'm hoping and praying its not...and I am gonna try and not think about fact having high sodium jimmy johns tonight. I'm scared to eat today...but know tom I can just to back. Will take the two weeks till school off from nutritionist and then when go back to school will try again.
I know its crazy and makes no sense. This cycle I have where gain, get scared, and lose back. That's why I am hoping this wt be down tom and have only gained a lb or less in this week.
For today...just keep with plan. And get timing on track. That's my focus. Wish me luck.

Piece of Cake!

So I finally did it! I went to Publix and bought and ate (well am eating) a cake slice. I was feeling so good about it…then the food scale came out and I weighed it and it was over the 3.0 oz it said it was. So I cut it down to size taking off two layers and putting in garbage disposal. As soon as those layers were gone…something I thought would ease my anxiety…I was overcome with guilt.

ED (who was the one that had me cut out the cake in the first place) started on a guilt trip of how I was disgusting and would never be able to eat a whole thing of cake. Honestly, I was going to let it hold me back from even eating the cake. I wished I had thrown away the slices, not put them down sink so could undo what I had done…but I couldn’t. The only thing to do was to repent and move on. And I did. And I am eating my 3.0 oz and praying God take away the guilt and shame from not doing the whole thing. Still this 3.0 oz is more than I would have ever done before and I am proud God has given me the strength to get through.

One day I hope I won’t have to weigh the cake, but for tonight I choose to look at the victory in eating my cake, and not in the regret I have from the decision I made. For “There is now no condemnation in God.” Plus the part I left had the more icing...the rest was more just cake...and I much preferred the icing to the cake! And it was the scarier part!

WIAW: Recovery update, not food edition

So it’s another rendention of my spin on WIAW (What I Ate Wed...but I am doing Where I'm At Wed) and sorry to say, there aren’t any food pics this time, because I just want this to be an honest post about where I am at in recovery today.

Well…I had weigh-in this morning and it didn’t do what I wanted it to do and I got scared because that didn’t scare me. That’s right…I got scared by the lack of fear. Strange, I know. In fact, my fear of the lack of fear kept me from sticking to my plan or making any recovery decisions, because I wanted to wait for my nutrition appt.

Well…the appt snapped me out of my fear of the lack of fear. It’s just scary to feel myself mentally changing and to know I am physically changing as well. But the reality is if I want a life other than my ED, things are going to have to change. If I feel things are normal…that’s almost bad, because it means I am still acting in my ED. So I did snap out of it and have gotten back on track…something that is great about ED recovery. If you make a mistake, you can choose to the next moment to go back to recovery. One slip doesn’t have to make for a horrid day.

And that brings me to my nutritionist session. We met in  the middle with what she wanted me to do and what I was willing to do. The weigh-in I will admit filled me with some trepadation. I have been hungrier than normal lately and honestly didn’t feel I had gained…but I had. Of course…my brain is saying it’s a fluctuation…we will see. But enough about that.

My nutritionist wanted to increase the meal plan, but I just didn’t feel I could. Instead we are implementing rules to get me to diversify my diet and stop eating foods for numbers but start eating them for nutrients. This means I always have to choose to eat a food if it is calories that are holding me back. It also means facing 5 fear foods this week. AND…the craziest one for me….is eating a real dessert but can’t count it as anything.

So those are the goals for this week and to stick with meal timing which has been going better. But I don't know…I’m just kind of down about recovery. It hit me I am going back to school in two weeks and nowhere close to where I wanted to be after the summer….in fact mentally I feel I am worse than I was at school. I just kept letting myself lapse because school seemed so far away…but it’s not.

And I feel my nutritionist has just given up on me. She is just letting me get away with whatever I want just to appease me, and that is not at all what I need. And then in session today she just kept asking: “What do you want Jessica? Seriously, what do you want?” I want to recover! I do…that doesn’t mean I want to gain weight. So yes…I’m still disorder. Yes, I didn’t want to eat today. But I did anyway…and these guilt trips don’t help.

So I don’t know where I am. Trying to rely on God and not my own understanding…but it’s hard. Today I have the opposite of extreme hunger and I am just so frustrated with my body. I just want it to figure out what it is going to do. So I am fed up, angry, depressed, and scared for the future. But for today I am just gonna go through the motions of recovery and hope for a better tomorrow. 

Give yourself a chance

So today it was because I was too full, other days it has to do with weight, other times feelings..no matter  hat I look for excuse to get out of my plan, to get my way with this recovery. Why? Because I don’t understand it. Because I can’t reason my way through it. I will use today as example.

This morning I weighed despite huge increase yesterday. But timing much better yesterday. Still I was scared and I cried out to God. I got on scale…literally shaking, and my weight was down…and I almost started crying. In that moment, ED was proven wrong....and I saw that I could trust God and my body...that everything would be okay. That I needed to let go of the scale and just trust.  I praised God for it and then ED came in with his reasoning. I had prayed God would show me I could trust N and increase and food and body, but ED was determined despite God doing this he would tempt me otherwise. So weight being down became about being more active yesterday or just being a fluke.

This moment made me realize what I trust is a choice. I can choose to trust God…to view the scale through His eyes…that if it is down it means I can trust body…that I may need more nutrients…or whatever I feel my heart saying. And if it goes up a crazy amount its most likely fluctuation (unlike ED who says its food). Otherwise ED always wins with scale. If it’s up it’s always food to blame and not trust, if it’s down….it’s never about trusting food. That is unless I choose to trust food no matter what the scale says. To trust God has my weight in His hands and knows what He is doing.

So I went along my day with the thought of this weigh-in always there. Kept trying to figure out what it meant…so then I decided if still had extreme hunger of yesterday…well that means that weigh-in because of food.

That probably would have been good had I stuck to my meal timing. But because ED said timing doesn’t matter since I’m not weighing till Wed…well…that didn’t work out. And thanks to some other things causing high anxiety and having to eat really close to each other and of course choosing high fiber items and accidentally taking too much Citrucel…well I felt really full instead of really hungry. And that was enough to have me throw in towel and go to nutritionist telling her what was right and that I wouldn’t do plan. Told that to some of my support to. Then they hit me back with harsh reality.

I keep doing things and trying to understand food, body, weight, fullness…all these things that aren’t always understandable. I keep trying to enforce my own control yet say that I am trusting people. But I am not really trusting. Trusting means committing to your plan no matter what..commiting to eating meal plan despite anything..letting no excuses get in the way. But me….I seek out excuses…one tiny thing goes wrong and I want to run back to ED. That’s not trust…that’s not even recovery..it’s just living a temporary lie.

Not only that but I keep saying I can’t trust my body, yet I don’t even give it a chance. I don’t commit to meal timing or even a meal plan that would help my GI system and metabolism regulate so weight and hunger/fullness can repair. Why…because my body does something I deem “wrong” even though I have no right to do so…and then I run back to ED. I say I can’t trust body, but geez my body can’t trust me. I need to give it a chance to heal…so we can learn together to trust each other.

So I have committed to my N to give her at least till our appt on Wed. No matter what stick to meal plan, to timing, and to no exercise. If I screw up timing…well then the three days of trust is gonna have to restart and push past our appt. But after the misery I feel tonight thanks to timing sucking…well…I want the dang meal timing.

Oh and that fullness that was going to knock me off my plan….it went away and hunger came back. Had I trusted God…and heck…presented my fears and unbelief to Him to help me with…would have saved a lot of misery and time. This new agreement I think will help with that. Because I am commiting to not letting the fear turn me to ED. Instead I need to turn to trust and ask God to help me. I deserve and need to give myself a chance at freedom. A true chance. Not a temporary, guideline filled, wt/feeling/fullness dependent chance. But a---nothing is going to get in the way of giving this my all—chance. And that is only going to be possible if I stay in the moment, not wonder about weight, and completely rely on God and my meal plan. Keep a positive focus and think of what freedom will mean and how great it will be come Wed when ED’s lies are proven wrong. 

When Reality Hits...

Carrots…that’s right. Carrots. That’s what my brain in this moment is choosing to freak out about. Because I measured them with measuring cup and not with food scale my brain has decided to go off and tell me how miserable, stupid, pathetic, and (of course) fat I am. All because of carrots.

The reality. My mind wants to avoid emotions and thus is choosing to focus on something as silly as carrots. The reality is that is how deep in this ED I am. That I can even be so freaked out and distracted by carrots that I drop to my knees in the kitchen and cry out to God to help me. Let’s just say that was a harsh dose of reality. I have fallen deeper into this ED than I want to admit….and I am only going to get out with God. I am afraid of fruits and veggies. The very things my parents told me to finish I am afraid of.

Numbers still swirl in my mind and I am impatient in wanting them to go away. I want it all to go away. I want my mind to be silenced. But recovery…it’s a process. So I have to bear the seemingly unbearable fear and yelling in my mind and push through and do the right thing. But the fears and the yelling in my mind have been there so I can avoid emotions…so having to continue to face the fear instead of letting the yelling stop me from whatever “mistake” ED convinces me I am about to make…well that’s just against my nature…and it’s exactly what I need to do. And things aren’t going to get better that instant…maybe not even that week…but I have to keep pushing through. This is the part of recovery that sucks.

Want to know what else sucks. This has NOTHING to do with carrots. See…the carrots didn’t bother me till I realized I screwed up my meal timing again and thus felt like a let down to my nutritionist yet again. And this time I actually wanted to make her proud because she is going through a lot right now. But ED creeped in and I felt like I failed (something I don’t like feeling at all). While trying to cope with that guilt and shame I get a text from my therapist telling me she thinks I am too severe on an ED client for her to see because she isn’t specialized. So there we go…my whole team…I feel I have let them all down, let myself down, screwed up the recovery summer I set out to have. That brings grief, fear, guilt, shame, sadness. So many emotions that are just too overwhelming for me to feel…so what does my brain do? It takes it out on carrots.

It has me stand by the food scale with my cup of carrots for a good 15 minutes pacing back and forth deciding whether or not to weigh the dang things. “Do it Jess…you failed anyway” it says as I approach the food scale, but then reason steps in “Come on Jess it’s just carrots you CAN do this. Cry out to the Lord to help you.” I walk away from the food scale. “You will overeat if you don’t weigh them.” Back to the food scale. “You deserve to be free.” Away from the food scale. This is absolute insanity and I ended up not weighing the carrots. And now I am sitting here having to feel all these feelings and let the tears flow.

It sucks to feel disordered. It sucks to feel not good enough. It sucks to feel like the sickest in the room even if ED tells you that’s a good thing. Because when you are sitting there freaking out about carrots…you realize being sick just means you are trapped in your own prison. That being the sickest just means you are more enslaved…it just means you have a farther and harder time to get out….it means you, even moreso than others, need to become dependent on someone else to tell you how and what to eat.

I know, I know…it’s not my fault how sick I am. I didn’t choose to have anorexia…I didn’t choose to have this misery..but I am stuck in it. And I keep getting in my own way of getting out. But I guess…I guess tonight I took one more step towards the door…because I didn’t weigh the carrots and am feeling emotion. I guess that’s a positive…but still…I sit here…sad and scared at how stuck I am.

I want recovery. I want a carrot to be a carrot. Food to be food. I want to be free, to be normal, to be the case that got better instead of the case that needs more help. Heck….I want to be a person not a case. I want to feel emotions and be vulnerable…because it’s a heck of a lot better than being afraid of carrots. And you know what…I need to rely on others and on God to do that. Because I am so stuck in this dungeon, in this darkness…that I can’t see the door. But for my friends, family, and God who is standing outside the prison begging me to crawl out….they see the door…and I need them to guide me to it. It sucks to not be independent….but again…depending on others is a heck of a lot better than being afraid of carrots. 

This Independence Day...

I just got back from Denver (don’t worry I will do a post all about the amazingness it was but its time for honesty).I was only there for three days, but I relapsed hard. The reason I call this a relapse and not just a slip, because even just in three days of restricting, ED has reclaimed a lot of ground in my mind. I had a weigh-in today and was sure the number would bring me the comfort to go back to plan. Even though it was lower than I thought it would be…it didn’t bring comfort. I thought it would be so easy to go back to plan after this “vacation” from recovery….but it’s not. I sit here right now crying because I am about to eat my full b-fast, which before I left was my favorite and easiest meal.

See here is the reality. I am miserable every time I choose to do one of these relapses and I realized I have kind of been doing recovery waiting for the next relapse instead of accepting and agreeing to recover. I jumped on new plan, knowing this trip would come and planning to not do plan. Even now, going back to plan my mind drifts to the fact I will be back at school soon and probably lapse then. But I am tired of it. I am tired of living relapse to relapse and misery to misery, I want to choose to leave victory to victory, to love glory to glory with God.

So in some desperate prayer time with God this morning when I realized just how far I had slipped and that the only comfort I would find in getting back on my plan (and only way it will be possible) is dependence and trust in Him…he revealed the date to me…4^th of July. Today is Independence Day. It’s Independence Day and today…once and for all…I am declaring my independence from ED and dependence on God. My body, my mind, my spirit…they can’t take these relapses anymore. They just can’t.

I am choosing to not wallow in this relapse, but to learn from it. To look at it not as steps backwards, but as an opportunity for a new start with new knowledge. I know see that I can’t give ED any ground. Even seemingly small slips can lead to huge falls and huge falls lead to where I am now. Please, if you read this and are in recovery listen to this truth…learn from my mistakes. One skipped snack is a big deal. One purge is a big deal. One exercise session you know you shouldn’t do. Any tiny use of your behaviors is a big deal….because one leads to two…leads to hours..leads to days…leads to your mind being in such a horrid place again. It may seem like the solution in the moment to use behaviors…but it just makes the fight that much harder later on. So fight it in the moment…even if you feel weak and tired, because the truth is you are powerful and strong and can recover.

So I am going to learn from this…from seeing that I can’t choose to just slip and get out of it. Because this isn’t just a battle over behaviors, but over mind. And every time I choose to use symptoms…the ED mindset takes back over. I have to surrender it. I have to stop looking for an ending point of recovery and just jump on board. It’s scary, yes. It’s scary to venture to the unknown and commit to not turning back….but I have to. There may be slips along the way, but I am going to stop trying to seek out chances to slip and as my brain puts its not “take a break” from recovery. Because each of these relapses I am miserable. At the end of them I beg and plead to God to make my wt or something be a sign I should get better…why? Because I don’t want this ED. As scary as that is…it’s the truth. I want life and I want victory. And you know what…I deserve it.

So this independence day I am declaring independence from ED. Independence from living misery to misery, defeat to defeat. Independence from searching for the next way to cheat my plan. I am declaring not just independence from ED but dependence on God and my team. Dependence on the guidelines He ordains through them. What does this mean? It means committing to the guidelines and at least giving them a chance. And in those moments when ED creeps in with excuses or fears I turn to God and rely on His strength and truth.

I know it won’t be easy…and it won’t feel natural.I know my mind may wander back to trying to find the next excuse to slip..to stop gaining…to lose back weight, but in those moments I will take my thoughts captive and turn them to God. I will learn to reach out for support and take the advice I am given. All those years ago America declared its independence from Britain.Were they excited…I bet they were. But were they scared…I can almost guarantee it. There were probably so many unanswered questions. They had never run a country….never been independent of the Brits…but they took the leap of faith…and look at America now. Look at how it is a top nation in the world. But it wasn’t without a literal battle. It wasn’t without fear. And it wasn’t without a leap of faith.

So today..as I declare my independence from ED and dependence on God it isn’t without fear…it isn’t with all the questions answered…heck it isn’t even with a concrete plan. It’s just with hope and with faith. With the knowledge that my God will lead me on the path everlasting…that He will guide me..that He has provided a team, loved ones, and countless support to get me through. With the faith that though I am weak He is strong in me and will get me through. Today…this day…I sign my Declaration of Independence from ED and with the same stroke sign my Declaration of Dependence on God, and with Him, my team who is led by Him. I will post those later today :)  

Update: You can see the two declarations here and here.